Need F14's Ettiquette ruling

[katybriggs]

I was contacted today by my friend's mom & I want to pose the question to F14.

summary: My friend is having twins, it was a surprise at 20 weeks (they were told singleton until then). They are a single income family with 2 children already. Dad is a teacher (read: not loaded). They live in a 3 bedroom house and live well within their means, and budgeted for kid #3, but not a #4. They are going to need to upgrade to a minivan so they can have a vehicle haul the entire family now. (Existing vehicles would have worked because oldest child is out of carseats now).

The grandparents are trying to pool money to buy them a minivan.  They were going to give other family the opportunity to chip in, and and want to know if they should open up the opportunity for friends to chip in as well through a gift registry, as a surprise.

Part of me thinks tacky, but part of me thinks it's a really good idea. Knowing their circumstances, as a close friend, I wouldn't feel weird about contributing or being asked if I wanted to participate. And I think the people who are close to them likely wouldn't think odd of it either.  They'd likely be buying a used, cash vehicle. Not something they'd be financing.

What does F14 think though? I have a feeling I might be too close to this to give an impartial ruling.

Thanks for your input!

[anji1820]

I don't think it's tacky, but I also have friends in a similar situation- 2 older kids, planned for a third and had twins, mom is a teacher, and they had to get a minivan! People who want to contribute can and those who don't, don't have to. If my friend's family had done this, I would have contributed.

[mevaroo]

Feb 3, 2015 13:02:41 GMT -5 scaredofcats said:

If your friend was asking it would be tacky. Her parents trying to coordinate a useful and practical gift from people that would most likely want to give a gift is nice.

Agreed.

[boogerbear]

I dunno, I feel kind of weird about it being opened up to friends. Here's my rambling thoughts - by being asked I would feel pressured to give, regardless. While the intent is nice, and it's not unequivocally bad, it's borderline IMO.

I also wouldn't be happy if my folks (or my ILs) coordinated that for me. ETA to clarify - I have my own issues with pride/etc so I would feel very uncomfortable if I knew a bunch of my friends/family bought me a car. If it were just my parents, it wouldn't feel as awkward but if I knew my friends pitched in too I'd be more embarrassed than excited, TBH.

[broccolisgirl]

I agree with PPs. I think it's fine.

[suzyqq02]

So, I think it's fine to ask, and I wouldn't be put off.

But in some ways, this sounds like a logistical nightmare for the family. If they have an existing vehicle, they'll need to sell it themselves now that they won't just be trading it in (though they'd have to do that on their own if they were going to not go through a dealer). But that can be a bit of a headache, and if they don't, they'll owe excise tax and/or insurance on 3 cars. And while it's a hugely generous thing, a car is a purchase they'll have to stick with for a long time... I would really want a say in what that car looks and drives like.

Their heart is in the right place, for certain... but it just seems like there might be other ways to help alleviate the financial burden so that they can get what they need for a car, vs trying to gift that to them.

[tec124]

I agree with pp that I wouldn't consider it tacky since it's the family arranging the gift as a surprise.

[laur]

Feb 3, 2015 13:25:25 GMT -5 boogerbear said:

I dunno, I feel kind of weird about it being opened up to friends. Here's my rambling thoughts - by being asked I would feel pressured to give, regardless. While the intent is nice, and it's not unequivocally bad, it's borderline IMO.

I also wouldn't be happy if my folks (or my ILs) coordinated that for me. ETA to clarify - I have my own issues with pride/etc so I would feel very uncomfortable if I knew a bunch of my friends/family bought me a car. If it were just my parents, it wouldn't feel as awkward but if I knew my friends pitched in too I'd be more embarrassed than excited, TBH.

This.

Are they actually going to surprise them with a mini van? Or give them the cash? I would hate to say here is $9K we collected you have to go use on a minivan and then have their hands tied.

Are they having a shower? Considering they will need an extra one of lots of things, getting gifts and then paying a monthly car payment might be better for them then making lump sum purchases like an extra crib, double stroller, swing. But it sounds like the plan is in motion so this isa a moo point.

[Deleted]

I actually think it's a really nice gesture. I don't find it tacky. Since they are doing it through a gift registry, I think it would take the pressure off of people feeling as though they have to contribute.

[codypup]

My first instinct was "that's an awesome idea!" But then I read suzy's post and it brought up a lot of good points I never would have even considered.

Could you call your friends' mom back and bring those things up? Or would that be weird?

[bluedot]

Feb 3, 2015 13:02:41 GMT -5 scaredofcats said:

If your friend was asking it would be tacky. Her parents trying to coordinate a useful and practical gift from people that would most likely want to give a gift is nice.

This.

[likethewheels]

I'd be ok with it, but I can also see why it might be considered tacky. I think, like in any other instance where you're pooling money, you have every right to decline chipping in, and simply state, "Oh, I'm sorry, I already have a gift picked out for them" without feeling guilty. Lord knows that family is going to need some diapers in a few months.

[tangerinetart]

I think it's a great idea and I wouldn't feel pressured to participate if asked.

[Charlys Mom aka NBeaut]

I don't think it's tacky since it's being done by the parents.
I think it's very nice of them to think to do that for them. Yes they might have a pride issue when everyone knows their business but when it comes to making sure your kids are provided for, I'm pretty sure most of us would put our pride aside.

I wouldn't start a gofundme account or anything, but opening it up to friends as well as family would work.

I hope things work out for them!!

[boogerbear]

Suzy brought up good points wrt long term implications of the purchase and also whether what is picked out is even what they want? Also, if this is a surprise, is it because friend mentioned "Hey we want a van, have to figure out how to get one." Or are the parents making assumptions here and thinking "wow twins! we'll surprise them with a van!!!"

I think the intent is in the right place, but I don't think a surprise car is the best gift, IMO. And asking friends just involves more people where perhaps they don't belong.

[suzyqq02]

Since I'm currently a "busy season widow" should probably add...

I don't know if there are tax implications to receiving a gift over a certain value as a physical item. I know the rules for cash and they'd be well within it, but accepting a gift like that may screw them over come tax time... I'm not sure.

[broccolisgirl]

If they're gifting the cash for the purchase of a vehicle, be it van or suv, I see no problem.

[katybriggs]

Thank you all for the input. I did talk to her more about it. She said it would be a casual thing they brought up. "If you're thinking about a gift, but would rather do this, here's the info." Her mom did mention that they (pregnant friend & DH) have some money saved they were going to put towards it, so although it was sold to me as a surprise, I get the impression that they will be given a lump sum and told to get something better/ more reliable than what they would have on their own.

To feild some questions/concerns:

boogerbear brought up a good point about pride, and I've known them both 15+ years, and I can't see them being embarassed, I can only see them being grateful. I know not everyone is the same way though, I don't know if I would react the same way.

suzyqq02 the cars they have wouldn't be traded in. One is ready to be donated, honestly. The "good" car was one they purchased from a family member. They're not particularly picky about vehicles, they're very utilitarian in that manner. You do bring up valid points though.

laur - they are getting a lot of things from family members as hand me downs, plus the things still in good shape they lent us, I'm returning. And the couple things we have like RNP, bouncer, etc we are lending them as well. I think they are getting a lot second hand, and someone already sent dual carseats. I don't think a monthly payment is an option for them. I imagine her church will have a shower for her, but I haven't heard of any formal plans for a shower (I'm not part of her church). She has 2 boys, and the youngest just turned 5, so she is almost starting from scratch. She's lucky that they have a large network of benevolent people. Also that she's not hung up on material things.

codypup - I told her mom I was bringing this up with you gals for feedback. I can absolutely share concerns with her.

Thanks again for giving input. I really appreciate it, there's lot of things I did not consider. I will let her mom know & try to be a good friend and make sure a nice guesture doesn't turn into a giant boner move.

[djtippietoes]

Late to the party on this one, but I don't think it's a bad idea. It's not that different than a registry.

[katybriggs]

suzyqq02 - The tax implications are an excellent point, I will make sure someone smarter about that stuff than I am considers that.

boogerbear - it's been established that they would like/need a van. So it's not an out of the blue twins=van. I do tend to agree that it's kind of peculiar, but I know the parent's heart is in the right place on this one. I think that's why she came to me for my opinion. From what I can tell, the question is not so much of should they do it, it's just how many people should the allow in on it. But I will definitel broach the tax & other issues with her (in a tactful way, of course)