We have started our classes and are watching our training videos before our next class at the end of the month. We also will be submitting our application/information packet along with references and background check information.
We have started going through some of the common areas (that have become more storage than a usable pool table currently) and trying to figure out how it is going to work. We want to move so we aren't dealing with in-law's crap and that is not helping the process.
We have also scored some more deals on some things for fostering so I'm excited about that....picked up a pack n play that plays music, bassinet, etc for reasonable. Along with the deal I got on the clothing she had some toys, stuffed animals, and blankets that I got as well (along with some boy clothing...she has more to go through and will offer to me first!). And picking up the changing table tonight!
Feeling overwhelmed currently with figuring out what we all should get to be ready for a home study and also once we are licensed to be ready at a moments notice. We want to be licensed for 0-5 years of age and there are a lot of things kids need that we are trying to figure out so we can get a deal on them if possible.
ETA: I'm not sure how to answer this because we are early on in the process....
Last Edit: Mar 15, 2016 12:57:20 GMT -5 by butlerfan
Engaged May 2003 Married June 2005 TTC #1 since October 2014 H-1% morph, low motility, low count Me-.1 AMH levels, low AFC, DOR/POI, perimenopause Foster Care journey begins March 2016-licensed 11/7/16 Foster parents to A & J 1/31/17 www.fertilityfriend.com/home/5525ef
Hi all!! I don't post much, but I'm lurking! We actually finalized on Monday! It was a great experience and can't believe we've gotten to this point. As always, I'm thinking of our son's birth mother. I actually sent her flowers just to let her know we were thinking about her. As much as it is final for us, it's final for her. She seems to be doing well
Post by redandblue on Mar 16, 2016 20:15:04 GMT -5
Thanks for the check in ceejay! This board is very quiet lately and it seems difficult to get people engaged! Good on you!
As for us, we signed our finalization paperwork February 26 and are just waiting for official word that's it complete (2-3 months) . In the meantime just loving our absolutely adorable son! Like alaskadee we think of our sons birth mom every day. It does make me sad that she does not feel she wants an open relationship, as I would love nothing more to be closer and get to know her more. I am still making sure she knows the door is always open and in the process of trying to set up a blog of sorts that she can check when she wants /is able to. (difficult with limited ability to have contact) .
QOTM: hard to say, but in one respect I think that I wish I didn't stress as much over the home inspection stuff. Also I guess knowing that really anything is possible and that no two adoptions will be the same, which makes it so beautiful, just like every family is different and beautiful.
I hope everyone is doing well and I look forward to seeing the updates!
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
We are doing well. Little girl will be 6 months on the 21st. Finalization is in the 30th.
Relationship with Birthmom is great. She and her Mom visited our house a month ago. Visit went well. We are texting on a regular basis and planning another visit when the weather gets better.
I didn't expect to get this comfortable with the birth family let alone in 6 months. I'm excited about how the relationship is developing so far. Also, I hadn't thought about it ahead of time, however leaving the hospital was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My heart broke for the birthmother.
Wow my update got long and rambling TL?DR: My AS has been a handful.
We finalized at the end of December. Things were going really smooth until they weren't. We had a MAJOR blow up a couple of weeks ago. AS has been bullying kids at school and it finally came to a head. I don't really think that he is bullying to be mean, but he so badly wants friends and is very impressionable. After we met with the teacher and principal over a humping issue (he's 10), things got really escalated at home. The night ended with my H (trained in crisis management at his school) putting AS in a restraint to prevent further harm to himself, us, house, and by accident, pets. The whole thing has left me pretty raw and I feel like I'm having a hard time reconnecting with him. Which I know is what he needs most right now. I think I'm having the hardest time with him seemingly not being remorseful. He has RAD and really doesn't understand empathy, so I get it, but it doesn't make it any easier.
His therapist gave us a book to use to try to help him. I think it's called Love Rituals. We are also trying to find resources about teaching empathy. So far everything I've located has been teaching empathy from birth - 3, I guess it's a start.
QOTM (question of the month): What is something you wish you had known before starting the fostering/adoption process? I wish I would have known how important it is to find a therapist prior to having a child in the home. It would be nice now to be able to see one that already knows me rather than trying to get up to speed in a crisis.
It's good to hear from all of you! butlerfan - I'm glad things have been going well as you start the licensing process! Yay for getting good deals on kid stuff! We went to a few consignment sales and garage sales last summer to get kid supplies and clothes; it feels a lot more real once you have all the kid stuff ready! alaskadee - Congrats on finalization!!! redandblue - Congrats on your recent finalization! chicago - It's great that you have such a good relationship with the birthmom. roxy - Sorry for all of the recent issues with your son. Hopefully the therapist and the book can be helpful.
We have had our foster sons for just over 6 months now. It's already been such a roller coaster, and we have no idea how this case will end up. For a while, the bio parents showed very little interest and we thought it was likely that we would be able to adopt the boys someday. Then the parents showed up again about 2 months ago and appeared to be very interested in getting the boys back. Since then it's been kind of on and off... they aren't very consistent with their visits and aren't making much effort yet to start their services. So who knows. H and I are trying to be open and emotionally prepared for the case to go either way. The bio parents will have to do A LOT and make a lot of changes if they want the boys back, so we'll have to wait and see if they do what they need to do.
QOTM: After our PRIDE training, I had gained this new respect for bio parents and was determined to build a relationship with our future foster children's bio parents. I had kind of idealized the situation and figured that the bio parents would be grateful for us and want to be friends. In our current foster situation, that couldn't be farther from the truth. I wasn't prepared for how cruel the bio parents would be towards us and how they would always be looking for new things to accuse us of. I know part of it is just them trying to feel in control of the situation, but it's still hurtful when we are giving our lives, 24/7, to care for and love their children, and in return, they basically hate us.
Engaged May 2003 Married June 2005 TTC #1 since October 2014 H-1% morph, low motility, low count Me-.1 AMH levels, low AFC, DOR/POI, perimenopause Foster Care journey begins March 2016-licensed 11/7/16 Foster parents to A & J 1/31/17 www.fertilityfriend.com/home/5525ef
Engaged May 2003 Married June 2005 TTC #1 since October 2014 H-1% morph, low motility, low count Me-.1 AMH levels, low AFC, DOR/POI, perimenopause Foster Care journey begins March 2016-licensed 11/7/16 Foster parents to A & J 1/31/17 www.fertilityfriend.com/home/5525ef
Post by gnomesweetgnome on Mar 17, 2016 11:25:19 GMT -5
No real updates this month, J has been with us for 2 months now, has gone from just lying there during tummy time to crawling all over the place, and has gained at least 1.5# since placement. Presumed bio dad has been court ordered to do a paternity test and has no showed 3x and says he refuses because he "knows Junior is his". Both parents are ordered to do hair strand drug tests and haven't gone yet. They did cheek swabs at his bio visit last week and dad was positive for amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana. Mom's test was inconclusive for lack of saliva.
CPS and CASA are pretty sure dad doesn't actually want to parent (he wasn't before placement), and believe mom will always be physically and somewhat mentally incapable of caring for him adequately, even with parenting classes, OT, or other supports.
CPS told me this week that she doesn't believe the case will take the full 12 months to resolve, but I know there's really no way to tell this early on. The bios keep presenting new family members for consideration of placement, but everyone has had prior CPS history, felony charges, or some other reason they would be unsuitable.
B is doing great, nothing new on that front. I'm looking for a preschool for the fall for him. His birth mom recently got a car so she came to our place to visit last month, and will come down again on Easter.
Something I wish I'd known before fostering in particular is how hard the unknown would be for me to deal with. I manage it OK most of the time, but it is a bit anxiety producing for me, which stinks.
Post by oneslybookworm on Mar 18, 2016 10:18:41 GMT -5
Thanks for the check-in, I love coming to this board and seeing activity, because it's nice to read about other people going through similar things.
We're smack-dab in the middle of the home study process. We've compiled nearly all of our documents, minus the background check from the Netherlands (we were expats there for three years...repatriated in 2013). I'm worried that the background check from there will take forever and it'll slow things down. Otherwise, everything else will be finished up and ready to send in by Sunday. I'm quickly learning to keep copies of EVERYTHING I do, in case something get's lost. After that...we'll start working on our book, and then the actual home study at our house will happen after we get back from our cruise in April. We'll pass off our book at that time, and become eligible for BMs to view!!
QOTM: Not really sure (yet). I'm nervous about the home study, but not horribly so. I wish I would have realized that we would need a background check from the Netherlands so I could have been working on that sooner. Ugh...foreign paperwork is the worst!
Post by packerfan4life on Mar 19, 2016 20:57:49 GMT -5
Thanks for starting this ceejay. I'm sorry the boys are still in limbo. And sorry you're struggling with bio parents. I can't imagine how pained birth moms who decide to place feel when they see their children with adoptive parents and I can only imagine it's so much harder in a foster situation. Still it would be nice if everyone could get along for the sake of the kids' best interests.
butlerfan that's awesome you've been able to start accumulating stuff at a good price!
I'm sorry you're struggling roxy. RAD is so, so hard. I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope you're able to find a good therapist who can help work through the behaviors
gnomesweetgnome glad J has made such gains! If it's decided that parental rights would be terminated do you think you'd try to adopt this little guy? How has attachment been, I know you struggled with that with the last placement?
Thanks for starting this ceejay. I'm sorry the boys are still in limbo. And sorry you're struggling with bio parents. I can't imagine how pained birth moms who decide to place feel when they see their children with adoptive parents and I can only imagine it's so much harder in a foster situation. Still it would be nice if everyone could get along for the sake of the kids' best interests.
butlerfan that's awesome you've been able to start accumulating stuff at a good price!
I'm sorry you're struggling roxy. RAD is so, so hard. I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope you're able to find a good therapist who can help work through the behaviors
gnomesweetgnome glad J has made such gains! If it's decided that parental rights would be terminated do you think you'd try to adopt this little guy? How has attachment been, I know you struggled with that with the last placement?
Attachment has been loads better this time around. We're planning to adopt him if no family is found/suitable.
Post by packerfan4life on Mar 19, 2016 21:03:54 GMT -5
oneslybookworm good luck with getting ready for the home study!
Does anyone know if bookworm or any other birth mothers are still around? I really miss seeing them here.
L is 18 months old. She's turned into quite the little toddler! She's so smart and such a joy to be around. I'm almost 28 weeks pregnant and it still doesn't feel real. I stil l have a lot of anxiety about striking a balance between raising an adoptive and bio child (especially with transracial adoption issues) and hope we're able to find a good balance so L knows exactly how wanted and what a crucial, loved part of our family she is.
QOTM (question of the month): What is something you wish you had known before starting the fostering/adoption process? I really wish I had known how much I really wanted a more open adoption. I wish we would have set up a way to communicate with L's birth mom without going through the agency. I wish I would have thought to ask more questions and take more pictures in the short time we spent with her. I'm not sure she would have been open to more contact at this point, but it just makes me sad that as L gets older we won't be able to give her all the amswers to the questions she may have
Well with a recent BFP we are in limbo. I need to call our Social Worker and let her know, by my PgAL mind is terrified to put our file on hold for another year.
Congrats! When did you get your BFP? Maybe I missed it. But I do know there have been a couple on this board recently. I wish you a boring and healthy 9 months!
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
Yay ladies! Sorry I totally disapeared from here! DD has been with us for almost 4 months and SW said adoption is supposed to finalize in the next 3 months! We have our ups and downs, some days more downs than ups but some days are great. We are still looking for services for her, school has been a major struggle, amd sometimes i feel like a fail in some things... April we are moving to a bigger house and better school district but we are keeping DD at current school to make the changes a bit less.
Aside all the struggles, i just absolutely love that girl. She is so amazing, smart, and caring... She just doesnt show that side very often so we have to enjoy it when she does... Lol
QOM- i wish i would have found the services needed before placement. We have a therapist and PCAs that we found before but that was it... DD needs way more than that!
Post by browneyes8 on Mar 29, 2016 12:21:58 GMT -5
Hi, been off this board for a while....
Our update is we now have DS2 new birth certificate and social security card and have an appointment to get his passport!
We took our first flight as a family of 4 to FL (part work, part fun) last week and both kids did great! Surprise visit to Magic Kingdom THRILLED DS1 too.
QOTM (question of the month): Hmmm probably more information/detail on various state laws (but we didn't know what states we would be adopting from)
We don't have much to update from an adoption perspective. The boys are big and active and keep us on our toes. Our little guy is a climber and is trying to give me a nervous breakdown . He climbs up and sits on the kitchen table. He also wants to be mr independent and walk everywhere.
Our 3 year old is having sleep issues so we are pretty exhausted being up a few times each night with him.
Post by packerfan4life on Apr 14, 2016 7:15:02 GMT -5
@bookworm92 thanks for checking in. I'm so sorry you're struggling and regretting your decision to place. I wish there was some way we could help. I'm glad you've been able to find a role to help support and educate expectant parents. I can imagine it's impossible to really understand what the decision to place really looks and feels like and I'm sure they really appreciate your perspective. I hope your relationship with DS and his adoptive parents improves and they realize how important it is for you all for you to remain in his life.
Thinking of you. I completely understand your stepping back. Unfortunately it seems most adoption groups/sites tend to become one sided. But know that if you ever do decide this is a place you feel comfortable being around again there are people thinking of and rooting for you and really just here to listen.
I'm sorry you are struggling @bookworm92. Adoption involves a lot of grief on many sides and it sucks that this is not addressed in a real way by so many agencies. I feel daily sadness for my daughter's birth parents and for everything my daughter has lost. I can feel this sadness at the same time that I feel immense joy at being a parent and watching my daughter grow. And then I can add a helping of guilt alongside it all. It's all such tough stuff and too many agencies gloss over the tough parts.
I hope you have good support in other places. I know that it is very AP-centered here.
---- 39 years old, MH is 43 TTC since 2010; Dx Unexplained Infertility; possible male factor 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, 1 mmc, 1 CP Started Adoption process Feb 2015, officially waiting July 2015
Sorry bookworm, I'll make note of that and be clearer in my language. I am not talking about my sadness, but that I feel sadness for my daughters birth family. I am guilty for feeling joy while I know that the flip side of my joy is devastating grief for some, but I didn't mean to sound like I was commiserating or make this about me. I meant to say that I empathize and I feel for you and I think some agencies do a crappy job at acknowledging grief. But intent has nothing to do with impact so I apologize. Bowing out of this conversation out of respect for what you're saying.
---- 39 years old, MH is 43 TTC since 2010; Dx Unexplained Infertility; possible male factor 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, 1 mmc, 1 CP Started Adoption process Feb 2015, officially waiting July 2015
QOTM.....I wish I understood that as an AP, I am the ONLY one who gains anything in adoption. My happiness is only because my son's birth mom now has a lifetime of loss and grief...even in an open adoption. My son has his own grief, low self esteem, suicide rates, and other huge obstacles already piled up in his life.
I wanted to be a mom more than anything but the cost of domestic infant adoption is greater than I knew and much, much greater than any agency would ever tell PAP's or expectant moms or admit to the adult adoptees looking for answers.
QOTM.....I wish I understood that as an AP, I am the ONLY one who gains anything in adoption. My happiness is only because my son's birth mom now has a lifetime of loss and grief...even in an open adoption. My son has his own grief, low self esteem, suicide rates, and other huge obstacles already piled up in his life.
I wanted to be a mom more than anything but the cost of domestic infant adoption is greater than I knew and much, much greater than any agency would ever tell PAP's or expectant moms or admit to the adult adoptees looking for answers.
I have say that I sat on this for a week now, but I just need to say that I feel your comments to be inaccurate and highly offensive to some of us on this board. We are all aware that with any adoption there comes it's own set of challenges, but I do no agree that AP's are the only ones who gain anything from adoption. And quite frankly feel offended by this.
I do know everyone has the right to their opinion, which includes me, which is to say I disagree with you.
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
redandblue and jrrzygrrl, I have been thinking a lot about this (more so due to the reading I've been doing in another online group I am a part of) and I have some thoughts and feelings that I hope are constructive. If not, please know that they are honest and heartfelt.
I agree with some of jrrzygrrl 's post. The reason I adopted was to become a parent, and my happiness comes at the cost of my daughter's birth parents' grief. That is not offensive to me. It is sad, and it is a reality - one that my daughter will benefit from me realizing (rather than be all puppies and rainbows about it). I also realize that the situation my daughter's birth family finds itself in (not sharing too much because of privacy) is actually a long term outcome of inequalities I fight so hard against and will try my very best to mitigate for my daughter. This is a sad irony of adoption. In a perfect world, birth families would have true options that included parenting.
What is not talked about above is the (stark) reality that my daughter's birth parents cannot parent her. I will not share details, but know that they cannot. Without a magic wand (or time machine that fast forwards through generations of anti-racist equality work) that changes this reality, I have become a parent who will do her level best to make sure my daughter knows her birthparents as healthily as possible. I will do all of the work that I can to preserve my daughter's ethnic and racial heritage. I will acknowledge all of her feelings and let her become the adult she will become. I will tell her her story repeatedly and I will let her have all of the feelings about adoption she will ever have. I will fail. A lot. I will keep trying anyway.
And lastly, birth families are not a monolith. Some of them have more agency than others. No one truly has total free will - there are always societal pressures at play. Adoption is an institution and it is flawed. But we need to acknowledge its nuances and talk about them. It's freaking hard. But none of us who are adoptive parents has the luxury of seeing this in black and white - we can't say that adoption does not come with the pitfalls that jrrzygrrl discusses. But we can't say adoption is wholly bad and should not exist. Where would my daughter be today without the magic wand to make everything else better as well?
I can agree that adoption should be very rare - in a world where we have solved a lot of issues and everyone had equal choice to parent. We do not live in that world right now -that is a reality.
---- 39 years old, MH is 43 TTC since 2010; Dx Unexplained Infertility; possible male factor 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, 1 mmc, 1 CP Started Adoption process Feb 2015, officially waiting July 2015
Upon further digging, I'm not sure that jrrzygrrl is actually here for dialogue. She created the account on April 14th just to make that one post and it doesn't sound authentic to me, but more like an agenda. Oh well.
---- 39 years old, MH is 43 TTC since 2010; Dx Unexplained Infertility; possible male factor 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, 1 mmc, 1 CP Started Adoption process Feb 2015, officially waiting July 2015
Upon further digging, I'm not sure that jrrzygrrl is actually here for dialogue. She created the account on April 14th just to make that one post and it doesn't sound authentic to me, but more like an agenda. Oh well.
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