Timing between children

[microworm]

What do you think is the best timing between having children? I know this will be different for everyone, but I am curious as to your reasons.

We are trying to figure out when to start TTC for the next one and right now all I'm basing my decision on is the ideal season to have the baby (I loved having a May baby and the summer off to spend time with him). I'm a FTM and really have no idea what a 2, 3, 4, etc year old is like and how hard it would be to handle one and a baby.

[Deleted]

The general consensus from doctors is to wait 18 months to let your body fully *heal*.

That being said, I'd like to get pregnant sometime between May and August.. that would mean that my kids were at the very most, 2 years apart.

My sister and I are 3 1/2 years apart.. and although it was ideal for my parents, so that my sister was in preschool when I was born, we were just far enough apart to not get along very well.. ever.. until we were adults who no longer lived under the same roof. My sister was very resentful of me, it never really went away, and I was just too young to play with her most of the time.

I don't want that..

My sister didn't want that either and opted for her boys to be 2 years apart. It was extremely challenging taking care of two babies, esp with potty-training. But they do love to play together, even if the older will still pick on the younger.. they do play together and love each other dearly.

Like my sister, not having them very far apart will be hard w/ a second c-section.. but I feel like it will be hard as long as the other kid is under 5.

Also, I'm 33 this year. I know it becomes higher risk after 35, so I'd like to be done before then.

/soapbox

[Deleted]

We are waiting until we buy a house, so DS will be about 2 yo. We have a niece who is 3 yo who spends all day with DS and they are great together. It's pretty manageable with the two as she is old enough to understand when we explain to her why it's important to be gentle.

[rainbowsockmonkey]

I'm hoping to start trying in a couple of months. I would like for the spacing to be between 18-24 months apart. My sister and I had 5 years between us, and we hated each other. My brother and I are 18 months (almost to the day) and we played pretty well together. AF hasn't come back yet, so I just started temping to see if I'm even ovulating right now.

[ksyknelvr73]

I really think it depends on so many things....what's most important to you? Having them close in age so that they are in school together and you kind of "get it all out of the way" quickly (re: diapers, nursing, etc), or maybe being able to have an older child is more independent, able to help, potty trained? Stuff like that.

For us, I knew we wanted another baby and I couldn't really figure out the timing either. I decided that I wanted them far enough apart that my older son was potty trained. I didn't think we could afford two in diapers. A couple months before he turned 2, I really got the baby fever. He didn't seem so baby-ish to me anymore, he seemed like a little boy and I wanted another baby when I realized that. We started trying the month after he turned 2, but I had two miscarriages, and ultimately DS2 was born when DS1 was 3 years and 3 months old.

It has been really nice to have an older child who is pretty much able to do most things on his own and is potty trained. He is such a help for me. I also think we lucked out b/c he hasn't really been a "terrible two" or anything like that. The only thing I don't love is that the boys will only be in high school together for one year.

We are pondering a third baby and if we go for it, we'll be trying the end of this year so that would definitely put DS2 and any future baby closer in age than the first age gap.

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2015 13:11:57 GMT -5 @bunannie said:

The general consensus from doctors is to wait 18 months to let your body fully *heal*.

That being said, I'd like to get pregnant sometime between May and August.. that would mean that my kids were at the very most, 2 years apart.

My sister and I are 3 1/2 years apart.. and although it was ideal for my parents, so that my sister was in preschool when I was born, we were just far enough apart to not get along very well.. ever.. until we were adults who no longer lived under the same roof. My sister was very resentful of me, it never really went away, and I was just too young to play with her most of the time.

I don't want that..

My sister didn't want that either and opted for her boys to be 2 years apart. It was extremely challenging taking care of two babies, esp with potty-training. But they do love to play together, even if the older will still pick on the younger.. they do play together and love each other dearly.

Like my sister, not having them very far apart will be hard w/ a second c-section.. but I feel like it will be hard as long as the other kid is under 5.

Also, I'm 33 this year. I know it becomes higher risk after 35, so I'd like to be done before then.

/soapbox

I had an older sister less than 2 years older than me and a younger sister a little over 3 years younger than me.

My older sister and I were very close until high school.  We were very different (I was fairly social and she was very shy and defensive) and that caused a lot of problems.  We did not get along at all.  Even now my older sister holds onto things from high school.

My younger sister and I always got along very well.  Even now we are super close.

I guess my point is that no matter what age gap, there is no guarantee that one age difference will get along better than another.  It really comes down to personalities and whether they clash or not.

Just my two cents

[kendy20]

Ideally we want them no more than two years apart. But with DH's job and the chance that he will be gone for awhile towards the end of the year, we aren't sure what we will do. If he doesn't have to leave due to his job the plan is to start TTC in September. That way baby would be born in June.

DD and I both have our birthdays in May and Mother's Day is in May. DH's birthday and Father's Day are in June so we are hoping to have the second LO in June and fingers crossed it's a boy! All girl stuff in May then all guy stuff in June ;-)

[ricola0522]

We are currently not trying not to get pregnant. Of course AF has shown up twice, 3 months apart so I'm not sure if I'm ovulating or whether pregnancy is even possible at this point. I turn 35 at the end of the year so I'm really hoping I can get pregnant before then. If that doesn't happen then we will likely be one and done. To be honest though I'm not sure I would be ok with OAD so who knows. I'm not sure if it's rational or irrational but I keep thinking that it isn't as if my eggs/genes go bad at midnight on my 35th birthday so does that number really matter?

[mamarazziof3]

I can only speak from my own perspective, but my oldest two are 22 months apart, and my youngest two are 25 months apart, so about two years in between each. Right now, with three of them so young, life is a little exhausting, but I can say that I think the positives are:

-They will be good buddies and able to play together and even have some of the same friends (they already do- one of my oldest two's best buddies is a boy from church who is a year younger than my oldest and a year older than my youngest)

-We may be in the trenches now, but once we are done with this phase, we will be done! I won't get used to having a "big kid" and then start over with a baby again.

-My oldest two share a room with no problem, which allows me to use the extra bedrooms for a playroom and a guest room

- I didn't have my first baby until I was 30, and wanted to be done by 35, so we knew we needed to have them close if we wanted more than two.  

I think a lot of the difficulty can depend on the temperament of your children as well. My May baby is VERY attached to me and doesn't like to be left to play independently or have me out of his sight, or be left with ANYONE else. If he was as independent and easy going as my first was, things would be super easy right now.

My two younger brothers and I were all about two years apart as well, and we did our share of fighting, but we also got along great most of the time and played together a lot. I loved having them close enough in age to do things together. (Only wished I had a sister growing up!)

Those are thoughts from my perspective, but I know what works for everyone is different. I have a friend who is due with her third boy and she spaced them all three years apart and I think she really likes having more space.

[Deleted]

I seriously don't know how people do it (more than one). I really, really don't want to go through teething ever again. That being said, I always wanted to adopt but don't have that kind of money. So I'm looking into adoption through fostering. I will gladly adopt an older kid, just to never have to deal with teething again. I'd still love for my kids to be close in age though.

[ho11yday]

I want 4 children before I turn 35. I'm 30 right now. With my first two, ds1 was born when I was 27 and DS2 when I was 29. There was a 2 year 3 month gap. It's prefect. I love it.

However I want a 3 hear gap next time due to some personal things going on and that there will only be two children at home at any time.

[aimeefarrahfowler]

I don't think there is any right or wrong age gap between kids.

My boys are 22 months apart and it's pretty great. When the baby was born, DS1 was just old enough to entertain himself and be a helper. Now that my May baby is more mobile and more like a little person, they actually play well together.

I got KU the first PP cycle after DS1, but had a MC. That baby and DS1 would have been 15 months apart. I was heartbroken we never met that baby, but now I can't imagine having two babies that close in age.

I can see the advantages to having them farther apart, too.

[microworm]

Feb 5, 2015 13:53:03 GMT -5 @usernameedit said:

Feb 5, 2015 13:11:57 GMT -5 @bunannie said:

The general consensus from doctors is to wait 18 months to let your body fully *heal*.

That being said, I'd like to get pregnant sometime between May and August.. that would mean that my kids were at the very most, 2 years apart.

My sister and I are 3 1/2 years apart.. and although it was ideal for my parents, so that my sister was in preschool when I was born, we were just far enough apart to not get along very well.. ever.. until we were adults who no longer lived under the same roof. My sister was very resentful of me, it never really went away, and I was just too young to play with her most of the time.

I don't want that..

My sister didn't want that either and opted for her boys to be 2 years apart. It was extremely challenging taking care of two babies, esp with potty-training. But they do love to play together, even if the older will still pick on the younger.. they do play together and love each other dearly.

Like my sister, not having them very far apart will be hard w/ a second c-section.. but I feel like it will be hard as long as the other kid is under 5.

Also, I'm 33 this year. I know it becomes higher risk after 35, so I'd like to be done before then.

/soapbox

I had an older sister less than 2 years older than me and a younger sister a little over 3 years younger than me.

My older sister and I were very close until high school.  We were very different (I was fairly social and she was very shy and defensive) and that caused a lot of problems.  We did not get along at all.  Even now my older sister holds onto things from high school.

My younger sister and I always got along very well.  Even now we are super close.

I guess my point is that no matter what age gap, there is no guarantee that one age difference will get along better than another.  It really comes down to personalities and whether they clash or not.

Just my two cents

Agreed. My brother and I are 18 months apart and did not get along. We still are not close at all. We have very different personalities.

[microworm]

So much to think about! Thanks ladies for your input.

[lissiehoya]

Feb 5, 2015 14:03:15 GMT -5 surprisepartysue said:

I wanted to wait at least 3 years but now I'm open to anything. We are NTNP. We might start trying after DD's first birthday. DH asked me to research OWT on how to conceive a boy. I rolled my eyes.

One of my friends from my program has 4 girls. With the last he tried every OWT to conceive a boy... but nope!

[lissiehoya]

Feb 5, 2015 14:10:34 GMT -5 ricola0522 said:

We are currently not trying not to get pregnant. Of course AF has shown up twice, 3 months apart so I'm not sure if I'm ovulating or whether pregnancy is even possible at this point. I turn 35 at the end of the year so I'm really hoping I can get pregnant before then. If that doesn't happen then we will likely be one and done. To be honest though I'm not sure I would be ok with OAD so who knows. I'm not sure if it's rational or irrational but I keep thinking that it isn't as if my eggs/genes go bad at midnight on my 35th birthday so does that number really matter?

We're dealing with some similar questions. DH wants 2 kids but I turn 35 in September. I think the ideal for me would be to start TTC around my birthday, but we have to talk about it because of the age thing.

[minae01]

I totally see both sides. I always wanted a 2-3 year gap between kids. I love the 1-2 year old stage and really wanted to enjoy each child thoroughly during that time. That is not how it happened for us for a few reasons:

1. I got started having kids later than when I wanted to.
2. DS1 was born 7.5 weeks early and left me really mourning being pregnant. I felt it was stolen from me when I wasn't ready to be finished.
3. DH and I are both teachers and wanted a spring baby so we could enjoy the summer off. That restricts timing a bit.

My sons are 18 months apart. The last 9 months have been very chaotic for us. DS2 had colic and was quite a handful at the beginning. In addition, he wouldn't nurse, so I EP'd for a few months until I couldn't handle it any more. It was a super stressful time, as I knew it would be. However, now, the two are interacting more, and it is such a joy to see! My hope is that they will be best buds. They will only be a year apart in school. I can't wait to watch them grow up together! I am finally becoming certain that our sacrifices due to 2u2 were/are worth it.

That said, we are probably going for a third. Since we are teachers and both moving towards our mid-30s, we will likely start TTC this summer in hopes of another spring baby. If that is in the cards, DS2 and child3 will be close to 2 years apart.

[bazingaa]

Sincerely hoping the magic gap is 15.5 mos. Originally I was thinking more in the 2yr range.

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2015 15:29:02 GMT -5 bazingaa said:

Sincerely hoping the magic gap is 15.5 mos. Originally I was thinking more in the 2yr range.

My younger brother and sister are about 15 months apart.  They are very different but were also very close growing up.

[becole]

I'm thinking whatever I try to accomplish with a gap won't work the way I plan it too.

[scotty138]

Growing up my older brother was 14 months older and my younger brother was 23 months younger than me. I got along better with my younger brother. I was moved up in school for half of my classes and I was put into my brothers class. We never got a break from each other until he graduated college. We get along great now.

My older brother and I have the same interests and friends, which constantly led to conflict. I would like to have my kids spaced closer to 2 years apart just from my experience. I'm sure it is different for every family though.

[SpinsOffResonance]

Mine are 18months apart. The first 3months were hard due to the terrible twos and toddler sleep issues. But things are great now. However I did chose to be done forever rather than attempt 3U3. I can't imagine 3U3. I think it would be nice to have them in sets. About 2 years apart for the first set, then wait 6-10years, then another set about 2 years apart. Not gonna happen tough, and I'm too old for that anyways.

[meggypoo1]

For us we were sure we wanted another one but now we are unsure. We feel like we have got it pretty easy with DD so we don't want to chance it! I am starting to think about wanting another. I would like them close in age because I want them to have each other later in life. My sister and I are 13 years apart (half sisters) and we weren't all that close when we were little. I mean she was teenage so of course that would happen! We are best friends now! But we won't be able to have another financially until DH is done with school and has a job. He has two years left before a year of internship. The internship is a paid one but we may have to move so I would have to find a new job and who knows how long that would take. On the other hand DH believes the summer before internship will be the last time in life that he would be able spend as much time as he did with DD with the new baby. So we are looking at 2 - 3 years apart and I think that will be hard when they are little (for the not getting along part) but perfect when they are older!

[haykay13]

Anyone follow Emily Ley of simplified planners? All her twins pictures are giving me some major baby fever!!
Thankful that I have an IUD so I can't talk DH into trying again without a visit to the Dr too haha

We were originally thinking we would start trying around DS's 1st birthday but as that's getting closer I am getting more nervous about having another baby and thinking we should wait a little longer, even though newborns are so darn cute!!!

[kc83]

We would like to start trying in March for the second. I'm older and want to have them super close if I can. I feel like my clock is ticking.

[tiffbabey]

I am a teacher and really would like to try and time it with having a March-May baby. That would mean trying for a baby soon after DS first birthday and we are just not ready for another one yet. I think it will be closer to three years, I am Also looking forward to having one school where I'm not pregnant or pumping in between children.

[jerssey]

I have a sister 18 months younger and two more sisters who are 7 and 10 years younger than me. I get along great with all of them. During a period of teenage years my closest sister and I fought as she us outgoing and social and I was shy and liked to stay home. I also helped take care of my youngest sisters a great deal but that made us closer.

I wanted kids close together as well. I ended up having my two 27 months apart and I love it. It is a great age as my DD is pretty independent and also the highlight if her baby brothers world.

[buster]

This is an impossibly hard question because even of you knew all the ideals, you can't predict how baby #1 will be 9 months (or longer) in the future. Mine are 26 months apart and it's just now starting to be good after 9 really hard months. I think a smaller or bigger space would have been easier, despite thinking 2 years would be perfect before living it.

[activebaby]

I would like to start trying in May. I am 32. Not sure how many I want, but more sounds great! I just don't want to think about costs of daycare. My husband is one of five and thought he wanted a big family, but now he isn't so sure he has discovered babies are hard work.

[letal316]

I agree with what a lot of pp's said, you can't really predict what will be ideal in terms of the kids getting along but I think most of us revert to whatever we know and what worked or didn't work. I really wanted to have another kid asap because I personally like the close age gap. But we likely won't start trying until the end of the year so if all goes well, they will be 28-ish months apart. For career reasons I'm delaying it but I'll probably have my third fairly quickly after the second.