Deciding To Adopt

[daystardreams]

Hi all! I've intro'd here once or twice before. This is because I'm crazy indecisive...I know pursuing adoption is a big step but we've been sitting on the fence for almost a year now. I'll give a background followed by a question, thank you for reading!

My H and I got married in June '15. By the time of our wedding we had already had two miscarriages (a BO & a CP) and had been TTC for 16 months. Right after the wedding we called our DFS agency and signed up for the foster care classes that were set to start in September. They are only offered twice a year. We were excited and scared but I felt pretty ready for it.

****TW****
(do we do that on this board?)

At the end of July we got our 3rd BFP. After promising betas and seeing a HB, I called and had our names removed from the list for foster care classes. The worker had told me it was very important to let them know if we couldn't make it since we are such a small county, she said the classes frequently get cancelled here due to lack of attendance.

We lost the third pregnancy at the end of August, just days before the foster classes started. We chose to not attend the classes due to circumstances. The worker told us when we were ready, we could be a respite home over the winter. We told her we'd call when we were ready.

It's been 8 months, we still haven't called. My question is when did you know you were ready? Were you ever truly ready? I'd love to hear your story of how you took that first step and the emotions related to it.

Thanks!

[Rogue]

I think your question is a personal one. We started foster care classes with the intention of eventually adopting. The day we were told we got licensed and got offered our first placement we felt completely unprepared. I called our licensing case worker and parent coordinator and they even came to visit.

When we got offered a placement that sounded right for us I called and said we were nervous but felt like this was right for us. We were encouraged to pursue the placement. It's been almost 4 months and we are doing great.

I think there may be a difference between confidence and readiness and you sort of need both or a support system to get both.

[redandblue]

First off, sorry for your losses. I know how difficult that is.

I agree that the decision of when to pursue adoption /fostering is a very personal one. I guess my question is whether you are looking to pursue fostering or adoption? In my mind I don't know that there is much difference in beginning the journey, but does definitely mean very different things (ie/ are you wanting to be that support for families while they are unable to parent their children and committed to being that kind of a support? Or are you wanting to start your family their adoption and permanency?).

Our story is probably some what similar to most. We had always talked about adoption as a way to grow our family. We were married in 2010 and tried to get pregnant for 5 years (only 1 BFP that ended ectopic) . We had discussed our comfort levels around how we would grow our family and ex0plored some fertility treatments. After 5 years we decided we were at the point of expanding our information. We knew we wanted more children and really did not matter about biology. So we decided to contact our local CAS for information. We knew it was going to be a lengthy process for approval and then matching, so we got started. The process does help you to understand all that is involved in adoption and/or foster care and the different level of needs that children may have when placed for adoption or in foster care. (both the training and home study did this for us). We were fortunate though to have been matched very quickly (9 months from our first call to our son being born).

IMO I wonder if you should start the classes and attend some information sessions. It will allow you to process the information in relation to your own family situation. But it is such a personal choice. We were always told that the approval process was a journey for us, and helps to prepare for the next steps. If along the way of training you decide it doesn't feel right for your family, then you can always stop. One other thing our CAS had said is they wanted people starting the process when they were not actively trying to conceive on their own or doing fertility treatments.

[daystardreams]

Rogue Thank you for your insight.

redandblue We've questioned whether we are strong enough to support reunification or not. We decided we were interested in fostering (with adoption on the back burner) after my cousin went into foster care last year and I think how strongly I wanted her to be with a family member was very eye opening for me. My husband and I decided to keep that feeling in mind when you do start foster care. Also thank you for mentioning TTC. I was wondering if they would care if we were still trying or not. I think we are very close to letting that chapter of our lives end but not yet. Thank you again for your insight!

[Rogue]

daystardreams, related to TTC. many infant adoption agencies recommend if not require applicants to not pursue actively TTC while going through the process. This was not something established by the foster care folks. If you ar still wanting to TTC, You probably want to consider the what if of what if you got pregnant? What if it was a term pregnancy? What if it led to miscarriage? Would you still want to continue to foster? Could you provide continuity of care to any child placed in your home?

We found out I was pregnant the same month we got our foster license. We had no doubts about continuing fostering. We let the agency know and they are fine with it too.

As we get closer, family and friends are going through the process to be approved caretakers so we have someone to watch our kid when labor happens. We also have a back up plan of respite caretakers in the event no one else is free.

[daystardreams]

Rogue Thank you again! All really great thoughts for us to take into consideration.

[gnomesweetgnome]

It is a totally personal decision and it can be hard to know when the right time is. For us we closed the door on TTC before moving on with adoption. We first pursued and completed an infant adoption, and our agency at that time strongly encouraged couples to be sure they had finished grieving biological children/what could have been before moving on. Adoption is a very emotional process and it would be hard to go through when you are still dealing with very raw emotions. (Obviously you'll never completely forget those feelings, etc., but it does get better with time)

We are now fostering with hopes of adopting if children placed in our care happen to become available for adoption. Our first placement was a true eye opener - we had twin girls who were 4 months older than our AS. I didn't bond particularly well with either of them, but one in particular and I had a really hard time with one another. They were reunified with their mom, and it was a huge relief. In many cases it seems difficult to support reunification, and I have a lot of thoughts on that subject in general, but that is for another time. Our current placement has been with us for 3 months, and in a "fictive kin" placement for 2 months prior to that (he was removed from that situation because mom was still living in the home and being left unattended with J, which was against the agreement established for fictive kin and also dangerous to the baby). It is already looking highly unlikely that he will be reunified, and all kin/fictive kin that have been home studied so far have been unacceptable situations (per CPS and CASA. If he ends up moving it will be much harder to let him go, and we will be reconsidering foster care at that point because dealing with the system is exhausting and disheartening a lot of the time, and I've come to the point in my life where I would be perfectly content having our AS as an only child.

Sorry for the novel. Perhaps it will give you some things to think through as you consider the next chapter of your journey.

[daystardreams]

gnomesweetgnome Thank you for sharing your story!