MIL rant - long!

[mommarn]

Really I just need to rant. She's just trying to be helpful, and I know that. But she is so damn pushy. It's honestly making me resent the help she's trying to give. Our nursery still has a lot to be done. We need to paint the trim and walls and apply the chair rail among other things. I've known the basics of the wall colors (gray and blue) for a while but was waiting on a swatch of fabric from the crib bedding to arrive to actually pick out the wall colors. For weeks she's been saying, "you really can pick out the gray without seeing the bedding and just pick out the blue later." So I've been trying to be nice and tell her that I'd just rather wait. She's even gone as far as, "well I think I'm going to go tomorrow and just pick out one of the grays so we can get started." Finally this week she said in front of DH, FIL, SIL, and her kids that she just didn't see why I wanted to wait. I just ended up flat out telling her that I wanted to wait and that was that...and then I felt so bad afterward. I know she's only trying to help move things along, but DH and I own this house, not her. And it will get done when I'm damn good and ready. Also there are some things that i'd like to include my mom in and the nursery is one of them. I have a mind to wait until the last month out of spite. Another thing is that I'm planning a surprise birthday party for DH's 30th...and she's basically hijacked it. She's telling me where to put tables and chairs, what foods we should have, where I need to get those foods, I need to call a family friend and ask her to make the cake, the list goes on. She also told me that I need to call my 12 and 16 year old nieces and ask them to make a HBD banner for him. She just kept going on about the cake and banner. I told her that I'd rather not and that I would be getting the decorations myself. Her response was, "why don't you want people to help you?" I told her that when I let people help I feel like I have to take their suggestions and opinions even if I'm not ok with them and I don't like being in that position. But what I really wanted to tell her is that this is a party that I'M planning for MY husband and I want to make the goddamn cake! And shut up about the banner already! I have a hard time saying anything to her about this because she and FIL really are very good to us. I don't know if I've just been in a pregnancy rage for seven months or if it's really that annoying. But I have very little tolerance for her pushy ways anymore.

[pbnugget]

I support your feelings and I don't know because I'm not there but to a perfect stranger who has experienced a little bit of deep end it sounds like a teensy bit of pregnancy rage. (Enjoy all those qualifiers?) I don't say that to belittle your feelings or say that you aren't right- but it sounds like you're overwhelmed and maybe she sees that and is being pushy just to help, and out of anxiety what you would normally either be glad for or at least able to write off as "grandmotherly excitement" is grating your last nerve. i suggest accepting some help-i think you'll be glad later for it being off your plate- and relax, chickie. No one is judging you- you're effin pregnant. You don't need to turn out a Gatsby style 30th all yourself to prove anything. I know you feel out of control with this whole pregnancy thing, but try to let go a little more. Would be my random ass stranger advice. Also good luck.

[mommarn]

I do feel a little better today. I'm absolutely sure she's just excited and not trying at all to cause trouble. I do probably need to accept more help, too.

[angelasashes]

Actually, I wouldn't be so quick to write this off as preg rage. The person you describe is disregarding your opinions, trying to insinuate herself into situations she has not been invited into, and trampling any reasonable boundary you try to set. All under the guise of "helping you." But here's the thing: you're decorating the nursery for YOUR baby. You're putting a lot of effort into planning something nice for YOUR husband. These are important, even precious, milestones for you and your nuclear family, and you have expectations and plans about them that deserve to be honored. MILs can be so tough to manage because some of them are REALLY struggling to find their own new place and significance in a grown child's life. And their decisions about where exactly they fit can encroach big-time on your territory. I'm right there with you, struggling to define and defend the parts of my little family's life that I don't really want MILs fingerprints all over. A tough battle, to be sure! So stick to your guns...wait for your paint, and make your own hubby's cake! And enjoy! Good luck.

[mommarn]

angelasashes, I do think you're right about her findig her own place. But here's the thing, DH and I have been together for almost 8 years, living together for almost 3 1/2 years, and married for almost 2 years. She's had time. I think she's just also very overbearing and pushy. She and FIL live about 10 minutes away and usually see us three to four times a week. Yet for the past 5 days they have been at my house for almost 8 hours at a time. I've been working this weekend and they're still there when I get home at 8:30 at night. I know DH loves his parents, and I love them, too. But I'm going to need to set some boundaries sooner rather than later, because if not it's only going to get worse when baby is here. So frustrating!

[scrappypom]

Have you talked to your husband about it? With in law issues it really makes a difference to be on the same page with your husband and present a united front. Also, I could be misinterpreting, but it doesn't sound like you have been terribly clear. Stop sugar coating so much. Don't feel bad when you state your plans. I think the best thing in your post was when you finally said you were going to wait and that was that.

It sounds to me like you are meek with her, and she tramples you. Probably without meaning to. Might even be a great time for an air clearing talk. 'Sue, I love you and appreciate our relationship so much. But right now I'm feeling out my role as a wife and mother, and I want you to know that as much as I appreciate your help and input, I really want to take the lead on things pertaining to our home and family right now. I want to be in charge of DH's birthday party, and baby's nursery. I just wanted you to know that I'm feeling the need to run the show a little more in our house so you would not think it's about you. It's just about me becoming a mom.'

[abaybay27]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Having someone being so pushy is very annoying. Especially when you pretty much know what you want to do. Maybe this will make you feel better though: it could be worse. You could have in-laws who have shown very little interest in your pregnancy. My MIL told me that she's happy we're having a baby, but she's more excited for the day my SIL gets pregnant (my SIL is in a new relationship, and nowhere near ready for a baby). Either way, both situations are frustrating. And neither is needed when we're already under so much stress! Hope the situation gets better for you!

[puplove80]

mommarn, have you tried giving your MIL something to do, so she feels like she is helping? Does she sew, or knit, or something? You can ask her to make something for the baby. Is there a part of your husbands party you really don't care about? See if she will help with that aspect of his birthday. Sounds like she just wants to be helpful, but is coming across as irritating. She may just need some direction.

[Bluedaisy]

*Total Lurker* but really needed to say that when she said SHE might go pick out paint for YOUR house I would have completely lost my shit over it. I don't think that's a pregnancy thing at all, I think it's a boundary thing.