SAHM or keep working part time??

[dreemkin]

My DH wants me to be a SAHM and brought it up again last night. Of course I would love to be home with my girls more but my part-time paycheck always goes straight to savings and I like having that extra money to keep building up savings. On the other hand while I like WHAT I do, I never come home from work happy; It's so stressful and the scheduling sucks. There is so much more to this decision but I want to hear about how you made it.

What made you be a SAHM or not? Are you happy with your choice either way?

[aggiebug]

Wow that is tough and so personal.

Since you are asking for personal stories:

I had an awesome job and loved what I did. For me I knew I could be an awesome veterinarian, an awesome mom, and an awesome wife but I could only pick two. My job has long, unpredictable hours with little flexibility (it's hard to just clear your schedule of appointments without feeling guilty) and I would come home be a mom and go to bed. I couldn't do that to my husband. Working part time was just unrealistic for me as finding part time care is difficult here and we have no family in the area. I have toyed with the idea of part time since DD has been born but I never get further than that. I am totally satisfied with my choice. I love being home and watching our child grow, I love the flexibility it gives our family - we don't spend days off taking care of the house etc.

Being stressed and unhappy when you come home is never ideal. Do you look forward to going into work?

[tortor4]

Agree that this is such a personal decision.

For me, I kind of lucked in to an awesome paying job but my boss was horrible and I was miserable there. It was a smaller, family owned business so it was like there was just always drama. So for us, it was a very easy decision. My job wasn't a career so I didn't think twice about staying at home.

The money was hard to get used to. For a while, we were still spending like we had two incomes and when we realized we couldn't do that anymore it was tough. But personally, it still was so worth it to be home. And like aggiebug said, I love that I don't have to come home from work and worry about juggling everything like cleaning and cooking and being a mom and wife.

If you are unhappy at your job and have the option to stay home, go for it. IIRC you mentioned a couple times that you love your SAH days. Still a tough choice though!

[dreemkin]

aggiebug and tortor4 It is a rare occasion I look forward to going to work. And it is a 30-45 min drive one way. Thanks for your prospective. And I know it ultimately is a personal decision. I just don't have any mom friends to talk about this with other than you guys. And talking to my mom and MIL seems...not current enough.

[agm04]

I'm tempted to say I'm jealous, but in reality, it's a really hard decision and there is no right or wrong answer. I BEGGED DH to be okay with me quitting when leave was over, and he finally said okay, but our lifestyle would have had to change so dramatically. I went back to work on a scaled back schedule (35ish hours instead of 50+). For us, it's really not about the few years of a single income, it's about the longer term impact of me being out of the work force. I work in financial services, and can't keep my licenses longer than 2 years if I quit. So leaving the workforce is a bigger deal than the few years I want to take off. Money was always tight for my family growing up, and while I had a wonderful childhood, I always wanted my kids to worry about money less than I did. Either way, you sacrifice something.

I go back and forth...some days I'm very happy with my decision, and others I hate it. I'm worried about how I'll balance things if we have another child (we want to), taking more time off, etc. I would absolutely love to work like 2 days a week until my kids are in school, but that's nearly impossible in my field. I know one thing: I'm going to teach DD that she can't expect to have it all. I know my parents meant well, but the message that you can do anything and have it all is unrealistic. You choose what you think is best, but there are sacrifices!

In your situation, I would probably choose to stay home, but it wouldn't be an easy call.

[seamonster]

It's a tough call. Your commute sounds miserable.

I'm not particularly happy with my job, but I already know I'm a terrible housewife and taking care of DS all day is exhausting. I'd love to spend more time with him, but we're both better off with me working. I do have a lot of flexibility at work which helps.

[dmorgendorffer]

I think DH would have liked it if I wanted to to stay home but I never really considered it. I think we would have to move for it to actually be financially feasible, we could probably swing it for a few years but we would really need to cut back.

I share a lot of the same reasons agm04 mentioned: the long term career impact of taking a few years off, being wary of the difficulty of getting back into the workforce, and wanting to provide the financial security my family lacked growing up. Even though I don't love my job everyday I also can't imagine myself not working, I feel like what I do is a big part of who I am - basically I think I would really miss my professional life. It is depressing when I do the math of how much time I get to spend with DD during the week but is seem like she loves being a daycare most of the time. Having flexibility is definitely key, I leave early and work from home when I need to but I know not every have a job that allows that.

[agm04]

dmorgendorffer what do you do, if you don't mind my asking? I also get sad when I consider the amount of time I see DD during the week. But it's even worse for my husband, who often doesn't see her M-F at all. I feel like it would put more pressure on him if I didn't work. (Not at all saying this is the case for everyone.) So grateful that I have quite a bit of flexibility too.

[lilyelayne]

Such a tough decision with all kinds of factors at play.

I loved my job. I was good at it, I was building up our department, we provided a great service to our community and the medical practice we were a part of. I had a lot of personal responsibility and freedom. But it wasn't a part of my identity, probably because being a SAHM is absolutely what I want to do, and I knew that going into it.

Going from two pay checks to one is terrifying. We weaned off by having me work part time from home for the rest of 2015, and then I was really done at the beginning of this year. Like you, my paycheck was for savings or fun things. We had to make small adjustments to our lifestyle, not big ones, but our savings does grow more slowly now.

Staying home with DS is the best, happiest, most fulfilling thing I've ever done. Not the easiest, though. I was nervous that it wouldn't be everything I wanted it to be, that I would get lost in the monotony and the minutia.

I also really like how much more flexibility I have in managing the household and in protecting DH's time with DS and our time as a family. It's important to me that I get the chores done during the week so our weekends are free- total opposite of when I was working.

But on the other hand I went from leaving at 7am and getting home at 630pm five days a week & working remotely some weekends, to being at home all the time. I can't speak to something in between like what you have.

That rambled. A lot. I've been trying to streamline it all morning but I can't get my thoughts in order.

I can't imagine SAH if it wasn't what I wanted to do. I would feel so resentful and trapped. But, on the flip side, if I, personally, me, were working when I didn't have to- then *I* would feel resentful.

If you stayed home for 6 months and decided it wasn't for you, would it be difficult to find work again, do you think?

[lilyelayne]

Agh of course I immediately thought of something else.

I love being available to my family when they need something. I ferry grandparents to doctors appointments when needed. I'll keep my nephews when they can't go to daycare if MIL has plans or needs to be at the office. If BIL gets a new job, I'll likely be picking up nephew(s) from school when they age out of daycare- which is this fall for the older one- and keeping them til their parents get off work.

I don't know if that aspect of not having a job is in any way applicable to you, but it's big for me.

[dreemkin]

If I keep up my certification (which i would plan on doing) I *could* probably find a job if needed or it doesn't work out. But it would probably not be as ideal (another shift, more hours, another department, new location). The idea scares me because I'm a creature of habit. This decision is impossibly multifaceted. I'm going to share all of these thoughts with the hubby tonight.


ETA: lilyelayne I would be able to take my kids to their growing activities and not have to worry about bothering my parents (their caregivers when I work) with it. That would be a huge relief! Scheduling in general would be so much better. My job is NOT flexible at all. I work weekends and holidays and I miss a lot of family/friend things because of it.

[aggiebug]

Apr 28, 2016 12:59:04 GMT -5 dreemkin said:

If I keep up my certification (which i would plan on doing) I *could* probably find a job if needed or it doesn't work out. But it would probably not be as ideal (another shift, more hours, another department, new location). The idea scares me because I'm a creature of habit. This decision is impossibly multifaceted. I'm going to share all of these thoughts with the hubby tonight.


ETA: lilyelayne I would be able to take my kids to their growing activities and not have to worry about bothering my parents (their caregivers when I work) with it. That would be a huge relief! Scheduling in general would be so much better. My job is NOT flexible at all. I work weekends and holidays and I miss a lot of family/friend things because of it.

Yeah that would be difficult for me personally. With H working '9-5' M-F me working weekends would mean we wouldn't see a lot of each other and we would not be able to take trips easily. But we travel a lot and have no family near by so that makes a difference too. I mean I took the job I did, and stayed there, even with some of its down sides because I worked during the week no significant weekend responsibilities which is insane in my profession.

[kartish]

I'm a working mom, not by choice. We need my paycheck right now. However, when I returned to work, I chose to work 32 hours a week instead of 40+ hours, which means that things are slim at times. DH would prefer that I go back to 40+, but understands that I don't.

I enjoy my job, love my boss and coworkers and have flexibility to switch hours and days around or work from home if needed. I feel that my work, wife and mom balance is going okay at the moment.

That being said, if DH gets a promotion or a new job that allows my paycheck to be savings only, I would love to quit and stay home. DH thinks I would miss working, and maybe I would, but I'd love the chance to try it out. My job requires holiday and weekend working, and I feel I miss so much in V's life sometimes due to that. I would love to not miss church cause I'm working, not miss family get togethers, not miss sharing these things and more with V.

Not sure if any of that helps dreemkin, but if you are even leaning slightly to one way or another, stick to that feeling. Besides, no matter what, if you choose to keep working, you can quit and SAH anytime later, and if you choose to SAH, it may be tougher to get back in the job field, but moms do it all the time.

[dmorgendorffer]

agm04 I'm a product manager working in ed tech, and there is a lot about what I do that I really enjoy. I like building software and working with engineers to solve problems, working with designers and doing user research so we can create new products and improve our existing ones. I've also been working in companies that are just moving from the start up phase into growth which means I get to work on small teams that are really empowered. And I like to think that the since these are educational products they are having a positive impact.

DH actually spends more time with DD than I do during the week since he does daycare drop off/pick up and they are usually home for a while before I get home. The biggest con of my job is the commute time from Jersey to NYC and that so many of my coworkers are young and shift their working hours so they come in later and leave later. I've established that I don't do meetings after 5 unless it is urgent and in that case I need to be remote so that I can actually see DD everyday. I've also started doing at least 1 work from home day a week which means that I get to be home when DH and DD get home and I get an extra hour with them on those days.

[mishka29]

This sounds terrible but the thought of being a SAHM never crossed my mind. It was never on my radar or something I wanted to do. I have a great job that I love. We need the second pay cheque and I have a good pension so taking large amount of time off affects that. My job is super flexible and I leave work at 3:45 so I have a good amount of time with my girlies before bed.

Maybe when the girls are in school I could do leave with income averaging where I could take the summer off but still get paid since you get 9 months of pay stretched over 12 months.

[aggiebug]

Apr 28, 2016 19:03:29 GMT -5 mishka29 said:

This sounds terrible but the thought of being a SAHM never crossed my mind. It was never on my radar or something I wanted to do. I have a great job that I love. We need the second pay cheque and I have a good pension so taking large amount of time off affects that. My job is super flexible and I leave work at 3:45 so I have a good amount of time with my girlies before bed.

Maybe when the girls are in school I could do leave with income averaging where I could take the summer off but still get paid since you get 9 months of pay stretched over 12 months.

It does not sound terrible at all. Some moms are much better parents because they work, and they are able to provide much more for their family monetarily and emotionally working outside the home which is completely OK. Don't ever feel guilty for not thinking about staying home you are doing what is best for your family.


Eta and in some ways I am envious that it wasn't a hard decision for you! I have been struggling with the idea of being a SAHM vs a working mom before I went to vet school. Including if I should even apply/ go to vet school and potentially 'waste the spot' and 'not use my expensive degree'. Yeah it was tough and only 2 of my classmates know I sah.

[lilyelayne]

mishka29 not terrible at all. No one would say to any of our husbands/partners "I can't believe you didn't even consider staying home with your children." Like I said, I can't imagine being a SAHM if I had a job I preferred.

[dmorgendorffer]

mishka29 I don't think it sounds terrible, it never seriously considered it either.

I mentioned this thread to DH last night and asked if he still thought he'd like it if I stayed home and he told me that he'd prefer I hurry up and get promoted so that he can stay home.

[taberbtb]

mishka29 it doesn't make you sound awful. Truthfully, I always thought I wanted to be a SAHM. Then we had DD, and she is amazing but staying home with her made me realize it's not what I wanted.

aggiebug my sister is a large animal vet in a mobile practice and she will likely never have children because she chose her career over family. I'm not saying her decision or yours is the right or wrong one, just that she battled the same thoughts you did.

[aggiebug]

Apr 30, 2016 13:14:56 GMT -5 taberbtb said:

mishka29 it doesn't make you sound awful. Truthfully, I always thought I wanted to be a SAHM. Then we had DD, and she is amazing but staying home with her made me realize it's not what I wanted.

aggiebug my sister is a large animal vet in a mobile practice and she will likely never have children because she chose her career over family. I'm not saying her decision or yours is the right or wrong one, just that she battled the same thoughts you did.

Dude it's tough. There is no wrong or right decision just a hard one to make.

[mmarie]

Coming from someone who also has a messed up schedule and works holidays and a lot of weekends, it is hard. Especially when the work is so stressful. I have days when I wish I could be a SAHM and not miss out on things, but I also really love my job and could never really see myself doing it. Financially it would not work for us anyway. Luckily I work for an amazing boss and a great group of nurses who are flexible and always willing to switch shifts when we can. It's not as bad right now when DD doesn't have activities (we did sign her up for some things in the summer but they are one day a week so I have already asked for those off) but things like her first day of school, programs, and any after school things that she will have, it makes me sad to think about missing those.

It is a hard choice, and I wish you luck and happiness in whatever you decide to do.

[dreemkin]

After lots of talking and thinking I feel it is right to leave my job, for a while. If things don't work out in any way, I can look for something closer to home. But I'm excited to "be my own boss" and for the flexibility it'll bring and most of all how I'll be able to spend more time with my family (run on sentence lol).

Thanks for everyone's input. It was nice to hear both sides and gain some insight into how your decision was made. Before it was asked on a reply, I totally ignored the fact that I never looked forward to going into work and always looked forward to days I got to be home.

[tortor4]

Congrats on your decision dreemkin! I hope everything works out!

[dreemkin]

Now how do I quit?? Lol

[tortor4]

Lol I'd do it as gracefully as possible so you don't burn any bridges. As for what to say, is just being honest a no? I'm really not sure!

[lilyelayne]

May 1, 2016 7:37:07 GMT -5 dreemkin said:

Now how do I quit?? Lol

I'd be honest. Let your boss know you'd like a minute to sit down and talk when it's convenient. When you get to, you can say good things about the job, etc (if you want) and that you've decided to stay home with your daughters. I'd ask if two weeks is enough time for them to find coverage or would they prefer more time (assuming you're amenable to 4 or 6 weeks or something) but I would have an end date settled if possible during the meeting.

You're probably not required to tell them why you're quitting but since it's nothing to do with your job in particular, if it were me, I'd say why.

No need to apologize for quitting. You're not letting anyone down. You're doing what you feel is best for you & your family, and you're not calling and saying I'm never coming in again & leaving your scheduled shifts uncovered, y'know?

[kartish]

Yay for a decision dreemkin!

As for quitting, I think lilyelayne had some good points. Do you have to submit anything in writing? That's worse to me than sitting down and talking.
I would stick close to 2 weeks if you can, unless it leaves them in a bind. Those last few days are annoying, especially if they cut your work since you won't be there to finish things. Not sure if that applies in the lab world, though.

[dreemkin]

I will be willing to give 2-4 weeks but I actually have vacation scheduled toward the end of the month anyway so 2 would work best for me. I guess I'll just have to get the conversation going and go from there...

[dreemkin]

4 more days of work!