Having a total why me moment

[littleowl913]

I'm watching the news and there's a story of a little girl celebrating her first birthday. It's a special birthday because noone thought she would make it to one. She was born 4 months early and they gave her a 20% chance of surviving. She weighed 9 oz at birth. This is an incredible story. She's a miracle and I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. Why? because all I can think about is why couldn't they save my baby? Ronin was 14 oz and perfectly healthy. My body failed him. The doctors told me that he couldn't survive, he's not "viable" and there was nothing they could do. This story just makes me think that they could have tried. Why didn't they try?

I just had to get that out. Just typing this out helped me calm down.  

[rslh10]

I'm so sorry. I literally have to tell myself not to think about all of the what ifs/why nots. I think we will always "blame" ourselves/doctors/bodies ect because In a fucked up way, having someone to blame makes it feel like...I don't even know the right wording. But for me, in my head, I have to make an effort every second of every day to not think about it. If I do, I'm right there down the dark rabbit hole thinking there was something ANYONE could have done to save her....when In all reality, I know there wasn't. Same with you and Ronin. If there was something anyone could have done, it would have been done. I'm so sorry. I find myself thinking my doctors failed me quite often and it's a fucking awful feeling. (((Hugs))) momma.

[wrenofthesea]

Those kind of stories get me all the time, and they love to have them on the news and people love to share them and send them around Facebook. Yes, it is great that these babies/children survived, but why couldn't ours? Why couldn't ours have been the miracles? It sucks, it is unfair. As rslh10 said, if anyone could have saved them, they would have been saved. Lots and lots of hugs and venting here is a good place- we all get it and as you said, once you type it and get it out it can really help.

[iheartbroccoli]

So many hugs littleowl913. I've had those same thoughts as well. It stings when I hear of miracle babies. I have gone through wanting to blame my doctors and thinking they screwed up, to thinking they just didn't try hard enough and weren't willing to try everything, and that they lied to us. It's a bad hole to fall down, and only creates more anger and bitterness in my experience. It takes a lot of effort some days not to let myself think those thoughts.

There was nothing you could have done differently. You couldn't have made the doctors try different treatments or procedures, you couldn't have done anything differently during the pregnancy.

It's good to vent to others that get it, we're always here. Big hugs.

[littleowl913]

I don't know what I would do without this place and you ladies. Venting here and letting it out stopped me from going deeper into that dark hole of what is and blaming myself. Thank you.

[flutterfly88]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry, & I know how you feel. I've read similar stories of babies being the same size or gestational age of my Parker, and I've had the same why's and a lot of jealousy too. Why does that other person's baby get to live and mine didn't. Why did I just accept what the doctors told me, why didn't I push harder for them to try? Sorry, I'm rambling now. (((hugs)))

[mommytoava]

I ask myself why me all the time. Not that I wish this on anyone but why my baby. It's so hard seeing little girls around her age and just thinking she should be here and getting to do the same things they are. This sucks so much.

[heartpresidents]

I have the same thought so often. I often despise seeing those "miracle" "feel good" stories. They don't make me feel good, they just make me feel like we didn't do enough.
I know it sucks, but it's reassuring knowing you ladies feel the same way and I'm not just a terrible person.

[mrswheelo]

I replay all.of the "what ifs" in my head all the time. I have to remind myself that not every situation is the same, even if every measure is taken. But it also makes me angry that this wasn't the outcome for me and my babies. The world is so unfair and unkind. I understand how you feel completely. ((HUGS)) Momma!