TTMA moving through your grief

[rslh10]

**LC mentioned**

Hi Ladies,

I just want to thank you all in advance. I feel like sometimes when I post I'm asking you to revisit your pain and grief etc....and I really really appreciate you going there to help me out. 

Today, my IVF meds came in. I've been really looking forward to getting them because it means were one step closer to trying again. But...The past few days/weeks I've found myself in a weird place. Sort of between depression and acceptance? I don't know if that makes any sense at all. I guess I'm just feeling really depressed in the sense that there is literally nothing that can be done EVER to bring her back to me. I could try everything in my power, all the money in the world, ANYTHING, and it wouldn't matter. She is and always will be my daughter who died. I feel that I'm standing one foot in depression and one foot in acceptance. I know there is nothing I can do to bring her back, or change what happened so I feel that is the "acceptance" part. And the above is the depression part.

I won't lie, there are ok days, but there are the days where I would rather just be dead so that I could see her sweet face again and hold her in my arms. There are days where I wake up and she is not IMMEDIATELY the first thing on my mind (but this is because we have a 5 year old who wakes me up and I need to tend to him first thing). She is the last thing on my mind at night, though, always. I kiss her urn good night, and kiss her photo good night as well. It seems like the night time is harder for me. Maybe because that's when I am able to relax? I don't know. 

I have noticed that as IVF is becoming a thing that will be happening, I'm feeling guilt? I want another child, I would seriously like 2-3 more (in a perfect world). It just makes me feel like, every step I take forward is one step away from my baby girl. I know that is inevitable, and life has to go on, but...it still causes me serious guilt. I know I will never "replace" Kenley, and I would never want to/try to...but it's just a mindfuck.


So all that being said, I'm asking you to tell me how you feel you moved through the grief? Do you remember the time it took you to do certain things again, or how long it took you to feel certain ways? I know each individual is different, but I figured this was the best place to ask.

pickles4prez showed me this image, and I'm sure you all relate to it. 





 

[flutterfly88]

I agree with everyone else. Mostly, it just takes time. Your love for Kenley will always be there, just like your grief will always be there. But slowly, time helps to ease the intensity of it, but then like the waves at the beach, there will be triggers that hit when you least expect them. Embracing those sad moments, and doing things to honour your sweet girls memory will help.

One of the things that helped me a little was joining a grief share group. It was a 13 week program to help worl through the grief, (it is Christian based, so I know not for everyone, but they're is probably something similar out there not based around religion.)

[shandorfml2]

You are expressing a lot of the emotions I felt, and continue to feel. Your grief changes over time. I still have my hard days, where I am just sad and irritable. In the beginning I wanted to be dead with her. It took me a year really for there to be a shift in my grief, and be ready for another child (we tried as soon as I was cleared at six weeks post partum, but it took a year and a half).

We are currently TTC our second rainbow. Like you I wanted three (or more) kids. I am finding that ttc again is bringing back a lot of emotions.

There will always be triggers, or hard times. I found bringing home my rainbow was very bittersweet, as I longed for my daughter to be with us too. I had a hard time with her third birthday, and have been struggling more lately. It waxes and wanes, and as time goes on you learn to manage it better.

Big hugs...it is so, so hard. Some days are exhausting to just put one foot in front of the other. Wishing you luck in your TTC journey.

[CattyNattyRN]

**Current Pregnancy mentioned**

This is something that has been so hard for me to deal with, even though we are due any day now with our rainbow.

We lost Tucker in a stillbirth in August of 2014. It took us a year to conceive when we got pregnant the very first time we tried with Tucker. The entire time we were trying to get pregnant I felt SUCH guilt. And then, when it finally happened I only experienced happiness for a short time before I felt guilt again.. This time for wanting a baby SO badly and GETTING it and feeling like I was moving on too fast, or that I was replacing him?

I am going in to be induced in less than a week and just yesterday I sat in the nursery and cried for our lost boy. I want this baby, but I also want Tucker. It's not fair that I wanted them equally and lost one. This should not be how things happen, but it is. The whole time we were TTC this baby we felt grief, but we also felt a determination and hope to get pregnant and have another baby. Once we were there it was like all the determination and hope just left us. We have been so plagued by fear and uncertainty this entire pregnancy. Even now, in the last few days there is still fear and uncertainty.. and grief for Tucker. Our feelings are probably going to be mixed with grief from now on.. throughout all of the milestones that this baby has. Because babies shouldn't die. Any emotion you have at any time is normal, because what happened to you, to us.. is NOT supposed to happen.

It is okay to feel more than one way at the same time. I feel the way you are describing every single day, and it's been a little while for me. For the most part, things are okay. But when someone asks me "is this your first?" I always tell them the truth and mention Tucker, because HE WAS REAL AND HE COUNTS. That may or may not be how you choose to remember K, but for me it is equally healing and depressing. Some days I feel more depressed and some I feel more healed when this comes up.. but most of the time I just feel Okay?

This is terribly long and rambling. I just wanted to share in hopes that it might help some. I think of you and your sweet family all the time. I pray for you guys and hope that you are able to embrace your journey as it comes and that you find a way to cope with all the mess that comes with it. Take care!!

[peaseblossom55]

I feel like my grief is always there in some way, shape or form. Some days I miss her so much, hate the unfairness of the world I don' want to get out of bed ( I do). There are days when she isn't on my mind as much. I wish the grief was more linear, I wish it didn't flare up more around holidays. I just wish she was here with me. Since she can't and nothing I do say or wish for can make that happen. I like to think that she would want me to be as happy as possible. On my drives in to work every morning, I talk to her some days it's happy things, some days it sad, it varies, but it gives me time to acknowledge and "be with her" daily.

With each step in the TTC process H & I were assuring ourselves and taking comfort in the idea that we are trying to make Anne.liese a big sister. I'd like to think she in some way will choose the soul of our rainbow and give us that gift.

Sorry rambling done.

[murrt]

****pregnancy mentioned****

Everyone already covered so much so I'm going to reiterate what I shared on the 3T/IF board to you in the grad check-in.

I had a little PTSD doing IVF again (maybe it'll be a little different for you since this is your first IVF?). But once I got pregnant, three IVF/FET cycles and 6 months after trying again, I had an enormous amount of PTSD. My main feeling in early pregnancy was fear and guilt. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve this pregnancy and like I was forgetting my other child if I embraced this one. Therapy helped. My therapist gave me the best advice that I will now give to you, invite your lost child to participate in this pregnancy.

For you, it's about inviting K along in the pursuit of a pregnancy and in rooting for you, and her future little brother or sister. And remember that if you do get pregnant, this will be its own baby...not better or worse....but still deserving of your love and K would want you to be joyful and to be invited to join in that happiness with you.

Sending you all my good thoughts and feelings.

[heartpresidents]

Lincoln will have been gone 2 years this weekend and my emotions are still all over the place. I still sometimes have days where I can't fathom living so many more years without him, it feels unbearable. I think that's always going to be how I feel, but I guess I'm getting better at carrying the weight and accepting it. Not accepting his death necessarily, that's something I still often can't wrap my head around, but accepting the weight of the loss and the fact that I have to carry it. Apparently forever. Again, unbearable. But here I am, bearing it. It makes no sense, really, so I've been less than helpful.

However, I did want to say that you don't have to apologize for asking me to revisit my grief. It doesn't ever completely leave, so it's not really revisiting. I don't go a day without remembering the loss and the grief. Please feel free to ask, vent, cry, everything.

[rslh10]

Seriously you guys are the best. I don't really know how I feel at any given time until the feeling hits me- if that makes sense? I'm sure you know what I mean.

I know that this pain will be with me forever. I know that I will figure out a way to carry it and go on, but it literally feels like the hardest fucking thing to enter my brain. Like I have to live the next however many years without her? And that's it? I get NO say in it? It's just unfair. It's fucked up is what it is. I know there are going to be good days and bad days but man.

Even when I'm feeling "happy" I'm still like..."oh right, I just experienced a pretty fucked up thing..." Always having the grief tied to everything is going to be a really long process to understand.

I appreciate all of your replies!!!
heartpresidents, murrt, peaseblossom55, CattyNattyRN, shandorfml2, flutterfly88, snowbigdeal, cribs4life

[flutterfly88]

((((Hugs)))) rslh10, it really is just crappy and so unfair.

[mrswheelo]

***LC Mentioned****

Trying for and carrying a rainbow is so so hard! Especially bc no one understands you IRL. When I was carrying Squishy, I felt like a bad person for feeling happy. Like being happy somehow meant i didn't love or miss the twins. Bc the only reason we tried for Squishy was bc the twins had died. Was he a replacement baby? Sometimes I think maybe. There were times that I thought of him as his brother. At the time I felt like i needed that baby. But the only thing that really matters is that I love him no matter what and now I can say as his own little person. He is my first parenting experience, so my situation is a little different than yours. But I actually had to take a step back from all the grief and saddness in order to enjoy my pregnancy and open myself up to bonding with Squishy.
I remember my twins and think about them often. How amazing it would be to have all 3 of them running around our house!
I just found that focusing on the pain of them not being here took a serious toll on me mentally and physically. Allowing myself to be open to the future possibilities and accept Squishy as his own person really helped. I had to think more about his life, than about their death. That's a bitter truth for me. There isn't a day that I don't wish they could be here, but DH and Squishy have become my main focus. I'm happier for it.
Good luck with your upcoming IVF! It's all difficult and a total roller coaster, so don't he beat yourself up for still feeling sad. Hope this helps!

[rslh10]

mrswheelo thank you! Yeah I know that when/if we get pregnant I will have to make an effort to connect to the baby. Or maybe I just will automatically who knows. I do wonder about the replacement feelings etc.

Thank you for sharing with me!

[mrswheelo]

I'm sure I'm wording it wrong, but hopefully it makes sense! Lol. Also, bonding with him was only delayed for me bc I was so afraid of losing him. And a little guilt for wanting him so.badly.

It did help me to think of him as a younger sibling. And we gave him his brother's name as his middle name. We often talk to him about them and how he is the baby brother. But before he was born, our house was like a shrine to the twins. It was really tough, but we had to put some things away to make room.for Squishy. It was hard, but I had to make the decision to celebrate him just as much as them.

I am wishing you so.much luck with your TSC journey. Looking back, I probably wasn't ready when we got pregnant with Squishy, but he ended up really helping me.

[wrenofthesea]

I have tried responding so many times, but would end up almost writing a novel so stopped. It is an incredibly unbearable burden to live the rest of your life without your child. Sometimes I don't know how I do it. I do admit that much of the time I still only think about a week, to maybe a month, into my future. Some days it is still just thinking about getting to the end of the day, or to the evening when my husband comes home. It is sort of sad that I don't do any long term planning, or to other people it seems sad and weird, but that is all I can do right now. Nineteen months out I do still think about her most every day and she is very much a part of me and my heart, but I don't always think about what happened. Now when it comes I feel a sickening drop in my stomach and I can't believe that it happened to me, to my child, and to my family. No, that kind of stuff doesn't happen to me- how could my child not be in my arms right now smiling and giggling?!? But I remember that it did happen, that Lillian is gone, that she is not in my arms and I will never know what her giggle sounds like, what color her eyes are, or the feel of her little hand in mine and I just break.

As PP have said, once acceptance starts to happen the grief gets a little easier. It still kicks me in the butt and I have really rough moments/days/weeks, but overall once I really accepted that she is gone, that nothing can bring her back, and that all I can do is live life and try to incorporate her in it as much as I can a little of the weight lifted, at least enough that I could start to see that I could live my life still. Certain things are still major triggers and I have come to accept that they will always be for the rest of my life. It saddens me, especially since one is very pregnant women and anything surrounding birth- so even IRL friends and family I just cannot be around or handle during that time.

It was hard those initial months not to want to be dead and with her. I had a really hard time and often cursed the nurses and doctors for stopping the bleeding after I delivered her and also for stopping the infections that I had. It finally took H talking about it in therapy and telling me how scared he had been that he was going to leave the hospital alone that I finally started to stop thinking that and decided that I needed to live and be there for him, for Lillian's dad. To this day H still can't handle watching or hearing about someone losing their wife.


TTC after loss is incredibly difficult. The guilt you are feeling is similar to what I felt. H and I had known before we even conceived Lillian that we would like to try and have at least two living children and after she died we still wanted to try and have a sibling for her. So, I knew that we were not replacing her in any way and that our next child would be their own special, unique person that we wanted because we wanted them, not their sister- but when we actually started trying again I felt incredibly guilty and like I was leaving her behind and trying to make this new life without her. Part of it also was that if she had lived we would have waited longer until TTC a sibling, we would have spent longer with just her before trying. I also had a problem with some IRL friends and family that thought TTC again and getting pregnant would provide this great happy ending to our story- that hurt a lot and eventually I just had to keep my distance from them and/or try to never bring the subject up.

I feel this is a novel again, sorry.

[rslh10]

wrenofthesea I want to read all the novels. I love hearing about all of our children and I appreciate every single thing each of you has said to me. Your reply hit hard with me. Thank you for your honesty and raw emotions everyone. Seriously

[snowbigdeal]

Hugs wrenofthesea, there are so many things you wrote that I relate to.

[mrswheelo]

I still get angry when someone "accidently " gets pregnant. Or when someone doesn't take care of them self during pregnancy. A little bc they have no idea what they are risking. But mostly bc nothing bad will happen. Not that I want it to. But it's unfair. I did everything g right and my babies died. while over here, this girl doesn't get prenatal care, smokes, and doesn't know who the father is has a perfectly healthy baby. I'll probably never completely leave the anger phase.

wrenofthesea, I never felt like ending my life, but I did refuse certain treatments while in labor bc I wanted to keep my babies in longer. It took DH crying, begging, and telling me he was afraid he was going to have to leave the hospital alone, to get me to do it. I never wanted to leave him, but it really opened my eyes to his point of view and it made me sad. I got strong for him. And it saved me.