Suggestions--I need more help

[brachysira]

It's hard (first world) times at our house--my 3 year-old needs to nap but doesn't, so she's a lunatic by about 5 PM.  My 20 month-old barely naps, is still into everything--throws all the clothes/toys/books out of drawers, eats whatever he finds, climbs everything, etc. (which means it's hard for DD to do many things she likes without his interference and hard for me to get anything clean).  My husband leaves as the kids wake up around 7:30 (he often changes the little one's diaper at least), and then he's gone until 6:30 or 7.  Many nights, he walks in, we eat dinner, and then together we get the kids in bed, and he sees them for 30 minutes or so.  Weekends he usually doesn't have to work too much, but he's tired and has to deal with house issues (e.g. lawn mowing), which pile up anyway. 

Maybe I am old and I am definitely not in good shape, but 13 hours/day of childcare without a break is killing me.  We do not have family near.  My DD goes to preschool 6 hours/week and I sometimes get a baby-sitter about 4 hours/week, but it isn't enough.  My DD is super high maintenance and wants lots of lap sitting and reading and doesn't play well by herself.  

I'm not sure what to do.  We don't really have the funds but I could try to find part-time daycare.  One reason I don't want to do that is because I don't want us to get a ton of illnesses now that it is  finally nice outside.  I could hire more baby-sitters, although that is even more pricey.  Another expensive choice is to put DD in some summer camps, but I'm not really sure she can handle that, plus I don't get a break from DS when she's there.  Another choice is to join the Y, but that also isn't cheap and it's not like I can totally rest when there, plus their childcare hours are kind of limited.  I could hire a housekeeper, but I don't know if our house is ever tidy enough for someone else to help.  Does any of this help you?

Any other suggestions?

[ashiscute]

Do you do quiet time in lieu of nap time? Even if my kids don't nap I enforced quiet time until DD was 4 (almost 4.5). I do the same with DS who is 3.5. They have books, a magna doodle type toy, stuffed animals and they have to stay up there for 1 hour. Not in bed but in their room.

Do they watch TV? Can you turn on an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Little Einsteins and get some stuff done then? Can you put her at the kitchen table with some crayons and paper so he can't bother her? They are both at a good age for play doh. Can you set them up with that and maybe clean a bit and play a bit? With it getting warmer a water table and kiddie pool should give them lots of fun and then you can maybe get a few things done?

Can you rearrange your playroom so that your DS doesn't have access to all toys all the time? Maybe take some stuff away for a break and only have some things out? By 20 months he should have some grasp of not making a huge mess and being able to pick up after himself. Maybe start having him pick up with you after? Try to get them involved with clean up (which will def slow things down). Have them match socks, fold washcloths. Your DD can dry dishes, set the table, etc.

I don't have a housekeeper (although I regularly check groupon for a good deal I've never had one come). My big kids are both in preschool but DD in the afternoons and DS in the mornings so it only overlaps about an hour twice a week. And then I always have the baby. I do the majority of my cleaning during the week when he's napping or when they're all playing. My house is def not super clean but I figure one day I'll spend more time on that and right now isn't that time.

[brachysira]

Thanks for the suggestions--

I don't have any super close mom friends, so when we have playdates here, I usually have to clean a lot which is pretty stressful. I do go to a lot of moms' group stuff, but as you may know from other posts, it is only semi-relaxing most of the time because I don't really click with the much younger, higher maintenance moms and my kids fight and get into enough trouble that I can't just sit back and chat that much anyway. Still, try, try, try because it is much better if I have some people to visit with during part of the day.

I was requiring quiet time, but a couple of problems...first, DS usually falls asleep on car rides home from preschool or playdates, so many days he's up and then DD is quite resistant b/c she hears him playing. Or he wakes up from his short nap and she hears, and then she's like, oh quiet time must be over! I can't seem to make DS do any more quiet time beyond his short nap because he gets hysterical if he doesn't need to nap and I make him be in his crib. The other issue with DD is that some days she's pretty hysterical about going to quiet time, which can wake DS up and then he's hysterical and does not go back to sleep. So usually I do not get a break one way or another.

They do watch TV. TV helps us a lot, but they get way too much screen time. Even if they're not watching, sometimes when DD is about to slug DS, she gets distracted by the TV for a second and forgets. But of course this means their play is distracted too, and I really don't want a million hours of screen time. I can usually get a few things done with TV, but mostly very short things like tossing things into the crock pot for dinner. If I'm gone longer they either seek me out and make demands, become insane if I've gated them from the kitchen b/c the oven is on or something, or I hear drama and have to find out what's happened.

DS is 20 months, but he still eats a lot of stuff and they fight over everything, so although the water table is fun, I can't leave it unsupervised except to run inside to get something, and I can't leave them around a tiny pool for even a second.

The thing about DS is that he seems sort of uncharacteristically demanding about DD's activities. He is about as mobile and large as she is, so the only way to keep him out of her stuff is to gate him out, and he stands at the gate and howls.

My kids are actually very into helping, but it's more like I just don't have the energy for it. Like, indeed at 9 AM DD puts away all the laundry as I instruct and DS will put a few of his socks away, but I just can't keep being so functional for 13 hours every day. Around 4 PM, I just crash and I just want to drop them off at the fire station. I would not, but I do send DH frantic messages about how I'm so tired and when will he be home?

So I guess my problem is just that my children can't really be unsupervised for more than a minute and require a decent about of parenting and intervention unless watching TV (and even then), and I am just too tired to do that for 13 hours without a break. I was so tired today that I turned on a show and told them I was going to lie down in our room next to the TV room, which I never do. DD immediately said she needed a milk refill. By the time I did that, DS was in my bed. I said, okay, you can nap too, but he proceeded to hit me with a car saying "car car car" and then drove the car all over, etc.

Do I need parenting classes? Is it just that I haven't helped them be independent enough? DD goes to the bathroom and puts on her shoes and coat at preschool, but she "needs help" at home...

[penguin129]

I don't have any experience with 2 kids yet so I can't offer much advice on that. As far as the nap/quiet times, maybe you are just waiting too long to put them down or in quiet time. I ran into this on Tuesday with DD. I was out running errands and when we got home she was yawning, but by the time I fed her lunch and got her ready to go in her room it was too late. She fought it the whole time. I think about 5-6 hours after they wake up is the best timing. Maybe try that if you aren't already.

[penguin129]

ashiscute I love the idea of limiting toys the kids can get to. I really need to do this myself.

[ashiscute]

Here's some suggestions. Some of these are things we do and others are things I think might help you feel a little less overwhelmed.

Decide how much tv you'll allow each day and then turn it off when that's over. If my kids are watching ban episode of Daniel Tiger the TV goes off when it's over. I do not do background tv as a distraction. First of all, the pay better attention to the tv when it's on when it's on less. Second, it's not good for them to have it on in the background all the time.

Second, try to be home before your DS needs a nap so he won't fall asleep in the car. Mine both transferred well at that age but if they didn't I made sure to yell and sing in the car to keep them awake so they were ready to sleep. I also would put your DS down earlier and do some special time with your DD. Then put her down. IME, if you are consistent that quiet/nap time is the same time each day and is happening they'll do it. If they know they can whine and kick and fuss and you'll give in they will. At that age they know what's up and are fine to kick and pout. If those are the expectations then keep it that way.

Don't be afraid to tell them no. If you tell them you're laying down and she asks for milk say "I'll get it when I'm finished laying down". Milk isn't a must have need so she can be okay without it. As for going to the bathroom on her own, by that age she should be independent with peeing but not pooping. Tell her you think she can do it on her own and let her try. Tell her you'll help her with zippers, buttons, snaps but she's responsible for putting her shoes and jacket on by herself. My 3yo can't do the zipper but he can get it on. He's also responsible for putting his stuff away when he get home. Yes he needs reminders but he doesn't need physical help.

At 20 months your DS should understand no and be able to give his sister a little bit of space. My DD has oral sensory issues so she still put tons of stuff in her mouth way passed when it was "normal". I just made sure that things were safe as possible. All toys were things she could do that with until she was older. If you gate your DS away to give your DS time to herself and he cries, let him. He's expressing himself in a developmentally appropriate way but your expectations of him are too. Just ignore it and eventually he'll get the picture.

One of my BMB moms suggested listening to Janet Lansbury's podcasts to me. She's really, really helpful. It's basically about acknowledging your child's feelings but taking a step back and letting them deal with it and not trying to fix it. It isn't always easy but we can't fix everything and it's something they need to learn. My DD has anxiety, sensory issues, and developmental delays and there are days when I want to rip my hair out rather than deal with it anymore. But I have found a lot of her stuff helpful. Validate her feelings and then let her feel them. Don't get angry or frustrated just let it happen. Don't be afraid to say no or to leave them crying.

If you can make it work financially I would join the Y before doing some of the other things. Using the childcare and getting some time to exercise is huge. Even if you just walk slowly on the treadmill you'll still get time to decompress and not be in charge of them. Exercise is also fantastic and so important for mental health.

I hope this is helpful.

[Deleted]

I don't think you need parenting classes. Those ages are really really difficult. Chances are they will outgrow a lot of this, and you just have to hold on until then. I know that doesn't help you now.

I do think it is good to encourage your kids to be more independent. Not saying that my 3 year old is super independent, but my 5 year old is, so its really just seeing an age appropriate opportunity and pushing them a little bit into it at small intervals. Its not a quick or immediate fix, but its something you sort of have to do as they get older and can do more. If she can do it at school, she can do it at home. I still help sometimes with bathroom , and zipping the coat, so you aren't describing anything out of the norm for that age. I make my kids get their own water, which is helpful. They can reach the faucet in the bathroom, so for examples like milk- if they already had it at meal time, I say no more milk go get yourself some water. It works cause she has an older sibling, so she sees him get his own water and wants to be like him.

I think it is normal for those ages again to need more supervision. It does get better slowly. I can now send my 5.5 and 3 year old outside by themselves (fenced in back yard) or in the play room by themselves. I can see them out the window and also check on them frequently. Maybe you can work on nap time a little more to give yourself more downtime.