Spin off topic about nosey strangers

[karlamo]

So the last thread got me thinking. What experiences do you or your partner have from strangers when they see either of you out with your child(ren)?

What I mean is your child only looks like one of you, if the NGP is out with the baby, do strangers make comments like, oh, they must look like your husband etc...? Do they get super personal and ask how you had them?

[karlamo]

Due to IF issues, we had to use my eggs to get pregnant. My wife carried R and I L. So of course they both look like me. Twice so far my wife has had strangers tell her that R looks just like her. I wasn't around when this happened but if I was they wouldn't have said it since R and I are twins. The comments made my wife feel good. Which I happy about.


A few months ago at playgroup a PITA mom was chatting with me about breast feeding and I mentioned that R was still nursing and how my wife wants to wean him etc. Conversation ends and I go into the hall with the boys. She comes up to me and says, " So your wife carried R and you L?" Yup. I see the wheels in her head turning trying to figure this one out. I shoukd have put her out of her misery but I just didn't want to get into my family business with a stranger, standing outside of a public bathroom. So after I said yup and didn't offer up anymore info she made a pathetic comment about baby wearing and pro breast feeding and then walked away.

I felt a little bad but damn lady, can't you see I'm with my kids and maybe this isn't something I want to share with a stranger.

[wittyandwaiting]

Pssssh! Don't feel bad for the lady.

I always think of asking people about how they conceived when they ask really personal questions like that. Like seriously lady were are you at home? Was it on the kitchen table? In your bedroom? In the shower? Was it planned?

C and I were at a group this week and some stranger said "she looks like both of you! How did that happen?" I just said "Science."

I wonder how much googling she did that day.

[2brides]

Kids actually look more like DW than me despite biology - although one looks exactly like my mother. People have said to her over the years how much they look like her, to which she just smiles. Occasionally, someone will say C looks like me. And there have been times when people have assumed that L was the biological parent (and depending on the age of the kids/circumstances we didn't correct.)

It has been years since anyone asked about our family. In public, I think we are viewed more as 2 friends out with our kid/kids, sisters with our kids, or (worst of all) grandmother out with her daughter and grand kids (this hasn't happened in awhile, since L started coloring her hair/I've gotten older (and look older!) We drew a lot more attention when the kids were babies, because, OMG, people want to talk about twins all.the.time! But no one is interested in 10y olds (and at this point, people don't naturally assume they are twins because of their size difference and how different they look from each other.) And none of their new friend's parents (who haven't known us since pregnancy days) has ever asked. I have no idea what they think.

Plus, I have found that as kids get older, parents don't talk about pregnancies, breastfeeding, etc - those conversations that feel like they exclude non-gestational parents. Now, conversations are about homework, extracurricular activities, and general life with kids - and those topics are universal to all parents.

[kh826]

So, yesterday when we were at CHOP waiting for Lu's appointment with the ortho there was a VERY curious little 6 yr old in the waiting room who was obsessed with William. They were off playing in this little playroom alcove that was a few steps away from the seats in the waiting area. I was in the play alcove with them (as was the 6 yr old's mom), and J was sitting a few feet away with Lu who was napping on her shoulder.

William was chatting away as usual, and at one point he gestured over to J and said "Mommy and Lucie" and I said "yep, Mommy and Lucie are just waiting over there so Lucie can sleep for a little bit"... a minute later he called me Mama. The little girl immediately said "Wait. Who is his mom?" I responded that we were both his Mom -- I am his Mama and J is his Mommy. I glanced over at the little girl's mom to see if she was going to react or intervene in the conversation, but she didn't. The little girl then said "But who HAD them?" (meaning William and Lucie)... I replied that both of them grew in my belly, but that we were a family and both were their parents. The little girl said "Hmmm...." -- Note: this little girl was ADORABLE and super articulate and curious. She clearly had never encountered a gay family before.

After another minute or so the little girl said "But how come she (pointing to J) didn't have any babies." I said "That's just the way that we grew our family." The little girl looked like she wanted desperately to ask a follow up question, and her mom finally chimed in and said "It's just like how Daddy and I are both your parents, but you only grew in my belly and not Daddy's." The little girl seemed to accept this answer, and after another minute she moved on to ask about Lucie's harness and why we were there to see the doctor.

It was the first time that I have been asked about my family by a child that I didn't know. I was admittedly nervous that I would say the wrong thing, but it actually worked out really well, and I was happy with the way the little girl's mother reacted and ultimately joined in the conversation. It was definitely an interesting experience, and I am sure as our kids get older and start interacting more and more with other kids who we do not really know that this scenario will come up more.

[wittyandwaiting]

kh826, I love that little girl and that story makes my heart feel all melty.

The children and youth of today give me so much hope for future.

[mahler5]

That would annoy me too. And I'm glad you posted this as I have thought more about this recently since baby #2 is biologically L's but I'm carrying.

When we announced the pregnancy in FB my aunt asked if who was carrying. I actually emailed her instead of replying to the comment because I didn't want all of FB knowing I'm carrying but it's L's egg. I'm not secretive about it. I even told this woman I barely know at work all the details because she asked and L thought I shouldn't tell people I don't know that well. But at same time I didn't feel like sharing with all of FB. Any of my friends I have talked to since conception pretty much know.

But I imagine once I have this baby I will love it (and probably not always correct it) if people assume the child is biologically mine.

But as C and baby #2 gets older I need to find out a better way to respond to these questions. We want to be very transparent with them. But I think I would feel weird talking to a stranger in front of them. C understands a lot more now even. The other day she was coloring and said she was drawing "mom and dad" and then I heard her say "momma and lala". She calls L either momma lala or lala. And occasionally she has called L dad recently. I'm thinking all the shows and books with a mom and dad might be confusing. Plus, I wonder if they talk about moms and dads at school. We do tell her she has 2 moms and explain how some kids have a mom and dad, or just one parent or two dads etc.

Anyway, I am totally digressing. I look forward to reading others comments.

[karlamo]

mahler5, I always forget you did RIVF. It's so special!!! Your wife is totally going to get," why didn't you want to carry?" comments.

When people learn both my wife and I carried, they eat it up, lol. They think it's *wonderful* we both got to experience pregnancy and birth. Which it is, but why do they have an opinion on it?

[kh826]

My wife has ZERO interest in experiencing pregnancy or birth now that she has seen me do it twice. She said that 5% of her still wonders what a biological child of hers would look like, and that curiosity every now and again makes her think about carrying for a split second, but then she remembers it really isn't that important to her and our kids are OUR kids. Plus, we still have 9 embryos in the freezer, and it will be hard enough to not use them all and eventually encounter the "what do we do with these?" discussion -- it just wouldn't feel right to create any other babies in addition to those embryos. We agree on that. So even if she carried, she would carry one of our existing embryos (my egg), which basically makes it a mute point.

At any rate, all of this to say it is definitely complicated and a deeply personal choice and decision on how you grow your family. When "strangers" ask about it, it feels really invasive. Strangers wouldn't just ask a woman randomly what her bra size was, what cycle day she is on, what her blood type is -- and those are MUCH less invasive questions in my opinion. So why people think it is OK to ask people they don't know about why they did or did not carry their children is beyond me!

[karlamo]

kh826, Does J get asked about carrying now? I got asked often when my wife was pregnant if I wanted to carry.

I'm the exact opposite of your wife im that I had no desire to be pregnant till I saw my wife give birth and those weeks afterwards. I knew then I wanted that experience.

[mahler5]

May 5, 2016 11:23:48 GMT -5 karlamo said:

mahler5, I always forget you did RIVF. It's so special!!! Your wife is totally going to get," why didn't you want to carry?" comments.

When people learn both my wife and I carried, they eat it up, lol. They think it's *wonderful* we both got to experience pregnancy and birth. Which it is, but why do they have an opinion on it?

Ha! Yeah, I think in many ways L would have loved to carry but with her uterine fibroids she would have had to have surgery to remove them, plus she already has scar tissue from previous surgery so more likely to miscarry. So I think it generally made sense to do it this way. Plus, I'm one staying at home so easier for me take more time off and breastfeed. I wish she would try to breastfeed too but would have had to go off a Med. I'm not sure how she will handle "why didn't you carry" comments. I think from people she knows well he doesn't mind talking about it but if a complete stranger asks I hope she makes them feel bad for asking!

[cetcar]

So far, we haven't had too many questions yet. Except one time, during our first dinner out just the three of us, an older woman was very nosey about how we got pregnant, who carried, where we got the sperm, etc. Pretty personal questions in a practically empty restaurant. She later threw in that her boyfriend was bisexual. Didn't expect that. Our waiter, who happened to be gay, apologized. I typically don't mind answering and sharing our story but usually it's not with a total stranger across a practically empty restaurant right when our entrees came.

[kona]

We had an awful experience when we were out with O at the mall when she was really little, maybe a month old. (I may have already shared this).

M was breastfeeding O in an open seating area at the mall. She was covered by a nursing cover. Some older guy walks by and says "I know what you are doing under there". He walks by but then we see him again as we are leaving the bathroom after changing O. He assumes we are sisters (we don't look alike but we dress and wear our hair the same). He was a real creep asking us if he could pray for O and talking about his grandchild who was sick.

I wish I had the nerve to say something and stand up for myself and my family. The whole interaction really bothered me. I can chalk it up to newborn haze but I hate that we were treated that way I couldn't stand up for my family.

[Deleted]

I have never been perceived as straight- until DS came along. I could fly a flag on a rainbow stroller and would get husband comments all of the time. Now that I have a SO- who is pretty obviously queer, we are perceived as one big happy gay family. My kiddo and hers are roughly the same age, so the twins thing can crop up. and I try not to be rude, but how to explain Im not the mom of some kids, and am the mom of one, and... it gets complicated. Not trying to step parent it up over here just yet. They are my gf's kids, and they have their own two moms, someday that may change. J has one mom, me and no just because we are together R is not Js mom. I love how accepting everyone has been- its like they want us to be a family. and in many ways we are, we are just careful about boundaries,and not throwing too much at these guys all at once.