Post by Leapinglizards on Feb 6, 2015 13:34:42 GMT -5
Hi all! I need some advice. I am kinda new to the whole SAHM thing and have one DD. For the most part I love it. I love being able to see all of her firsts. The problem I have talked about here briefly is that my husband is in the camp that it's what I signed up for the do all of the childcare and housework. He said he doesn't have an issue with watching her for a bit but does not do any housework. This just bugs me. I don't wanna feel like a servant. We have been fighting a lot and I just can't seem to put it in a way that makes him understand that it's not that easy to do it all. All I want him to do it put up dinner and put the dishes in the sink. I don't know why he is being so resistant to helping me. I don't mind doing most of the work but I don't want to do it all.
Post by sarahandeddie on Feb 6, 2015 14:05:59 GMT -5
I'm in the same situation. To be fair, my husband works 60+ hours a week and is on an odd schedule. However, it is still frustrating. I've just done my best to keep on top of things. I've also realized I'm only one person and have let some things go. Sometimes dishes sit in the sink for a day or dusting doesn't get done as often as I'd like.
I've tried to let go of the resentment and just enjoy my girls. The housework can wait! And if my husband has a problem with it he can do it himself.
I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm kinda in the same camp. I do almost all of the housework, and it's a little irritating. Have you tried talking to your husband that you don't want him to do a lot, but at least help clean up after dinner?
I think you need to explain that staying at home is wonderful for you and your kids but doesn't relieve him of his need to contribute. When my DH is home we are 50/50 on everything. Yes I do all of the big stuff (laundry, bathrooms, etc) but dinner, dishes, child minding is all shared.
Has he ever had to take care of her by himself for an extended period of time while having other things needing accomplished? Maybe he would benefit if you took a Saturday to yourself and left him in charge with a list of to dos just to understand.
I don't want to sound rude but I honestly would not be okay with that attitude. Parenting and taking care of a house are about teamwork. Being a stay at home parent should never mean resolving the other parent of their responsibilities.
Hi! I'm sorry your having trouble getting your husband to cooperate. Tell him that raising a family and owning a home is a two person job and that while you are doing the best you can to do as much as you can, you still need a little help in order to keep everything in tact. It's not an easy thing to do, and your husband really should be more receptive to your suggestions. I would also to bring to this up during a quiet, non stressful time so both of you can work things out peacefully. I, on the other hand, always feel like I'm not doing enough to contribute to the family because I'm not working, so I usually end up doing everything, unless DH wants to do it himself. I know he works many hours and takes care of other things like finances and the yard, so I prefer to let him take a break from that. But that's just me.
I agree w PPs. Talk to your husband and then don't be too hard on yourself in terms of hpusewpek. Let things go if you are top tired and of he complains that is tge time you ask him to pitch in..
Nw that i sah, DH made the comment that MOTN diaper change and rocking to sleep ( i bf so all motn ferds are mine) shld all be mine since im a 'full time' mom and he needs to sleep bec he is working the whole day.
Would have called him to it but I was to sleepy and tired to argue. Besides he helps a lot in housework like he does dishes 30% of the time. Does the bathroom cleaning, mopping and deep cleaning since he is more of a neat freak than I am.
I agree w PPs. Talk to your husband and then don't be too hard on yourself in terms of housework. Let things go if you are too tired and of he complains that is tge time you ask him to pitch in..
Nw that i sah, DH made the comment that MOTN diaper change and rocking to sleep ( i bf so all motn ferds are mine) shld all be mine since im a 'full time' mom and he needs to sleep bec he is working the whole day.
Would have called him to it but I was to sleepy and tired to argue. Besides he helps a lot in housework like he does dishes 30% of the time. Does the bathroom cleaning, mopping and deep cleaning since he is more of a neat freak than I am.
I agree with talking. Let him know that things aren't okay because it will drive you nutzo thinking about it every time you pick up something after him. DH doesn't do anything around here either. He takes out the trash after asking him 95634957 times but I do just about everything else. I'm content with it now, but it used to drive me crazy. And after a major melt down in front of him, things are better. But they could have been solved sooner.
Do you ask him to help or are you waiting for him to offer to help? Maybe I missed that. If you ask him and he says no I would say no this is not ok. Sahm doesnt transpire to maid or servant. It's stay at home mom. You are not his mom. Did he help out before you had children? If he did I would remind him of that. Just have a conversation and let him know you need help and he should be helping you.
I agree with PPs. Just because he's working outside of the home doesn't mean he's not a parent who has responsibilities within the home. You're not staying home with your feet up, you're working all day too. There is no reason he shouldn't pitch in. If you talk with him and he's still refusing to help, maybe consider going together to a counselor? Sounds like maybe he's being kind of passive aggressive refusing to even put dishes in the sink, which isn't really even cleaning.
After being home for 2 years now we are still in the same situation you are. I have however gotten him to start taking the trash can out to the road and bringing laundry baskets to the laundry room since I hit around 25 weeks. I hope things will get better for you.
Hi, lurking and jumping in, I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years now. My best advice is to talk to your husbands about his expectations and your reality. Make lists if you have to have a visual to see where you aren't matching up. Have this conversation when you are both fairly rested and aren't actively providing care for your child.
If he can't understand your perspective from a chat, I recommend having him choose a day to do childcare and all the chores he expects you to be doing for an entire day. You use the time to do some things out of the house. (If you are nursing, you can come back every couple hours to nurse, during which time, he does NOT get to complete chores.) Set him up for success by sharing your routine, though he can choose to use it or not. This should provide him with some much needed perspective and may even help you make your routine more efficient. The last part of the exercise is to have another conversation to discuss how each of your expectations and contributions need to be adjusted. Repeat as necessary.
Post by KC thepouchh8r on Feb 6, 2015 17:06:42 GMT -5
He doesn't mind watching her for a "bit"? He thinks the house is all your responsibility because you signed up for it? Oh hell no. Remind your husband he is a grown ass adult, not a child and to start acting like one. Your obligation is to your child, not your house. Of course in being home you logistically have more hours in the day to get household duties done but that doesn't mean he gets to sit with his feet up and do nothing-it isn't 1950. I assign chores to dh as needed. At times when things were hectic and I had two babies his list was longer. With two preschoolers who are capable of chores his list is shorter but he is still expected to contribute and pull his weight. Parenting is a joint effort. When he's at work obviously he's unable to help but when you are together he needs to realize it's his responsibility to do half the work in all things Childcare. Lay down some ground rules. If he refuses to budge you have some tough decisions to make.
I'll also second PP's recommendation to be very direct when asking him to do things. My DH always says "subtle doesn't work on me." If I want him to unload the dishwasher before the kids go to bed, I have to say "DH, I need you to unload the dishwasher between dinner and putting the kids to bed." And he will do it. If I say, "Could you unload the dishwasher tonight?" He'll do it, but probably not until right before he goes to bed, leaving me either upset that it didn't get done when I wanted or doing it myself and complaining.
Post by thechickencoop on Feb 6, 2015 17:43:46 GMT -5
What was the division like before you had your LO? And how old is your LO? When DS was a newborn DH helped out a bit more with stuff like yardwork and dinner. Once DS was like, I guess a year, and our schedule at home leveled out (sleeping through the night, etc), then I took over almost everything.
TBH, there's a big difference in our house between 'housework' and 'cleaning up after yourself'. I do the housework. That's pretty much how it's always been even before DS because even though we both worked, my hours were much more regular and much less than what H was working. His job has long hours, physically tiring, stressful, so he's pretty much beat when he gets home. But if he makes something to eat? Makes a mess doing something? Etc? He better pick that shit up.
You need to spell out your expectations for him though; he can't read your mind. And keep in mind how you're asking for help. If you're finishing up eating and just say, 'you're cleaning up tonight' then it's probably going to start a fight. Lay it out like, hey, so I made dinner, can you clean up after?. KWIM? I mean, your H is an adult, so he should be able to figure it out.
Also, he should not be 'watching LO for a bit'. He's a father. He should be a parent just as much as you are. This is like saying 'H is babysitting'. NO. Sorry. Your H is not a babysitter. He's a dad, and he's just being a father. Gah.
Post by younglove316 on Feb 6, 2015 17:46:15 GMT -5
I agree with everyone to sit down with him and talk it out. Watching her for a bit sounds like babysitting which isn't, he signed up to be a parent not a babysitter. Watching her shouldn't be a job but a responsibility.
As for the housework I would just simply explain to him that you need the extra help or it isn't going to get done, taking care of a baby is hard enough let alone trying to complete 10 other tasks as well. Plus even if this was your job that you signed up for, jobs allow you some time off every week.
I would cook dinner, serve myself, put away the rest and clean up (then eat my dinner). I actually did that a couple times when DH made me feel like a maid.
I do pretty much everything around the house. DH will take out the trash and recycling, he does his laundry (putting it away is another story), takes the clean clothes upstairs for me, and vacuums the upstairs for me. I used to get like you and be overwhelmed. Then I decided to do as other PP's and let some stuff go. I do all my main cleaning on Fridays and sometimes let DD watch Elmo so I can get it all done. As far as the dishes I load the dishwasher every time DD is in her high chair. It gives me less to put in the dishwasher at the end of the night. Make sure you ask your husband for some time to yourself. I don't do this often, but when I do I savor it.
Do you ask him to help or are you waiting for him to offer to help? Maybe I missed that. If you ask him and he says no I would say no this is not ok. Sahm doesnt transpire to maid or servant. It's stay at home mom. You are not his mom. Did he help out before you had children? If he did I would remind him of that. Just have a conversation and let him know you need help and he should be helping you.
I asked him to help me out.
Actually before we had kids I commuted over 5 hours a day so I really wasn't home so he did most of the cooking and cleaning
I had the same problem with my husband at first. He said it wasn't fair he had to work all day, then come home and work more. After I finished laughing at him, I asked if it was fair for me to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week because I never leave my "job". We talked about it and came up with a solution that works for us. He does nothing in the middle of the night- I can take a nap the next day if I need to. I cook dinner, he puts it up, does the dishes, and usually gives the baby a bath. He does all outside chores, including taking out the trash and keeping the wood bin filled. He does more when I remember to ask. He's started to realize how much work is involved with running a house.
Good luck. It can be a very big adjustment at first. I think husbands believe you're just playing with the baby all day (I still get that sometimes. I go to the grocery that night and leave him alone to remind him it isn't just playing!)
What was the division like before you had your LO? And how old is your LO? When DS was a newborn DH helped out a bit more with stuff like yardwork and dinner. Once DS was like, I guess a year, and our schedule at home leveled out (sleeping through the night, etc), then I took over almost everything.
TBH, there's a big difference in our house between 'housework' and 'cleaning up after yourself'. I do the housework. That's pretty much how it's always been even before DS because even though we both worked, my hours were much more regular and much less than what H was working. His job has long hours, physically tiring, stressful, so he's pretty much beat when he gets home. But if he makes something to eat? Makes a mess doing something? Etc? He better pick that shit up.
You need to spell out your expectations for him though; he can't read your mind. And keep in mind how you're asking for help. If you're finishing up eating and just say, 'you're cleaning up tonight' then it's probably going to start a fight. Lay it out like, hey, so I made dinner, can you clean up after?. KWIM? I mean, your H is an adult, so he should be able to figure it out.
Also, he should not be 'watching LO for a bit'. He's a father. He should be a parent just as much as you are. This is like saying 'H is babysitting'. NO. Sorry. Your H is not a babysitter. He's a dad, and he's just being a father. Gah.
I agree with everyone to sit down with him and talk it out. Watching her for a bit sounds like babysitting which isn't, he signed up to be a parent not a babysitter. Watching her shouldn't be a job but a responsibility.
As for the housework I would just simply explain to him that you need the extra help or it isn't going to get done, taking care of a baby is hard enough let alone trying to complete 10 other tasks as well. Plus even if this was your job that you signed up for, jobs allow you some time off every week.
I agree with what everyone else has said, you need to talk to him. I personally don't have this problem, but when DH and I were dating and moved in together we did. It's not that he didn't think he should have to help around the house, it's that he didn't realize what needed to be done. We had a lot of arguments over it and it took some time but he's much more active in doing things around the house now.
Once your DH starts helping out I suggest thank him for it. I think it goes a long way. If my DH does something I didn't ask him to do, for example, he folded the laundry the other day, I said "thanks babe, I really appreciate it." He appreciates the acknowledgement and I appreciate the folded laundry
Good luck!! Hopefully he understands your point of view and learns to appreciate all that you do.
Post by namastebiotches on Feb 7, 2015 17:55:13 GMT -5
Yea, I wouldn't be able to deal with that. You have a lot of good suggestions here. The biggest part of a relationship is communication so sit him down & voice your concerns. It's not right or fair.
I never feel like I have good advice to give in response to questions like this because I just can't imagine being married to someone with this mindset. My husband and I just seem to both innately understand that during the hours he is at work my responsibility is to the children and that is it. In fact, he is often the one to remind me of this when I am too hard on myself about not accomplishing much else. He is always pointing out how our boys are thriving and thanking me for it.
When he is home from work, household responsibilities and childcare are split 50/50. In practice that often means he plays with the boys while I get things done around the house simply because that is my preference. I like having uninterrupted time to accomplish stuff. But he will do anything I need him to do without complaint. He has never said one negative complaint ever about the house even when it is trashed for days.
I'm not saying he is perfect. He can be oblivious to things that need to be done, and I just frankly care a hell of a lot more about the state of the home and our budget, but he does not possess this 1950s mindset that he is somehow exempt from family responsibilities. Neither he nor I is "off" for the day until both kids are asleep. We do frequently give each other breaks to sleep in or go out solo. But he is not "watching the boys for a bit" he is being a parent.
I guess if I realized I was married to someone who viewed my role the way you are describing I would go back to work and hire a housekeeper. If that didn't restore balance to the marriage I would consider separating. I don't say that lightly. I'm sorry OP it sounds really difficult. Keep us posted!
Post by gnomesweetgnome on Feb 10, 2015 13:06:07 GMT -5
We have always split household duties. They aren't assigned, so if I need help with something, I ask/tell DH to do it, and he does, for the most part. DH is great about giving me a break from child care duties in the evenings and on the weekends, he understands that staying home is very draining for me, and he loves spending time with and taking care of DS.
I would try to sit down and have an unemotional conversation where you discuss exactly what everyone's expectations are and work to compromise.
Post by Leapinglizards on Feb 10, 2015 14:27:48 GMT -5
So this weekend was a test run. He did do the dishes and his own laundry and help with the baby more. He still acts like he is a saint for doing it but I guess baby steps. I think he will get it over time I just think I need to do it gradually instead of continuing to harp on him because then he will think I am going to nag him if he does stuff or not
So this weekend was a test run. He did do the dishes and his own laundry and help with the baby more. He still acts like he is a saint for doing it but I guess baby steps. I think he will get it over time I just think I need to do it gradually instead of continuing to harp on him because then he will think I am going to nag him if he does stuff or not
I've found that praise goes a long way.
Yeah, I shouldn't have to thank my husband for putting his laundry in the freaking laundry bin, but the more I do that, the more he does around the house. He's just the kind of person that likes the acknowledgement, and it keeps us positive. I thank him for what he does at work, and when he does stuff at home, and he thanks me for getting up with the baby at night and all that stuff.
So this weekend was a test run. He did do the dishes and his own laundry and help with the baby more. He still acts like he is a saint for doing it but I guess baby steps. I think he will get it over time I just think I need to do it gradually instead of continuing to harp on him because then he will think I am going to nag him if he does stuff or not
I've found that praise goes a long way.
Yeah, I shouldn't have to thank my husband for putting his laundry in the freaking laundry bin, but the more I do that, the more he does around the house. He's just the kind of person that likes the acknowledgement, and it keeps us positive. I thank him for what he does at work, and when he does stuff at home, and he thanks me for getting up with the baby at night and all that stuff.
It's the same way with MH. If I don't constant tell him thank you and let him know I notice and appreciate what he does he gets upset about being unappreciated. Of course I had to figure this out on my own because he doesn't communicate (but then I have to be very specific with what I ask him to do because hints or subtleties don't work).
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