TTCAL Check-In 5/10

[doodler]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.



Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.



**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**



How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations.  Do you have anything planned?

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? Not so great. Feeling really angry, sad, and hopeless this week.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, CD2 of Cycle 12/ Month 14 AL

Diagnosis (if applicable): None

Updates/questions: So at my appt Friday my OB ordered some bloodwork, coded as "irregular period" so insurance would cover it (thank goodness!), to check a few things. I'm going in for an US on the 23rd and we'll look at that as well as the bloodwork to see where to go next. She mentioned cutting out starch and other bad stuff from my diet to try to get to a healthier weight and said we would talk about the possibility of metformin at my next appt as well. In addition, she suggested MH see a urologist to see if he can get answers about things from his side. I'm glad I went but I feel like I'm not going to get any real answers for a while and I just want them NOW. But I am glad she'll do stuff there since I don't have money for an RE.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): CD1 yesterday was so hard. I just feel so hopeless like I'm never going to get pregnant again. I don't expect that it's going to happen on its own anymore but it's still hard ever single cycle. I just want my rainbow so badly. It's so unfair.

QOTW: We just booked a trip to Florida in July. We may have to cancel if I get offered a summer school position, but I really hope we get to go!

[ellabee]

How are you doing? Alright I think.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): None. CP, MMC

Updates/questions: O came pretty early for me this cycle. Wonder if this is just because it's the first one post d&c, or because I've been trying to exercise more and be healthier? Who knows...

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm feeling oddly detached during this TWW. I think it's me subconsciously guarding myself against any hopefulness. I'm not sure I agree with FF on my CHs, so I may be 5dpo or 7. Regardless, I find myself not really caring because I just assume AF will come either way. Low expectations and a potential to be surprised seems way better right now than high expectations and crushing disappointment. That's probably not the healthiest mindset...but the self/emotional preservation urge is strong right now.

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations. Do you have anything planned? A few weeks in the summer down the Cape with family. Other than that, nothing. I could seriously use one though.

[doodler]

kayladawn91 I'm so sorry. I hope you can get some insight from these tests. It feels so wierd to wish for something to be wrong, but then at least you have answers and can fix it!

How are you doing? Pretty good. Glad to be back to TTC.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC! Currently in TWW.

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unicornuate Uterus, AMA, RPL

Updates/questions: Nothing new since last week. Just waiting out this cycle now.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing this week!

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations. Do you have anything planned?
Ugh, well this is kind of a debbie downer. Another time when all of this crap just messes up everything. We usually go to the Outer Banks with my brother's family and some friends every year. When we went to book the house last year I was pregnant and would have had a 3 month old for the trip so DH and I said we weren't going this year. They ended up looking for a smaller house and didn't find it until a few months later. By that time I had lost that baby but was due to have another one. Would have been 8.5 months pregnant for the trip now so we again turned them down. Then we lost that one too. So here we are with no vacation planned and we get to watch our family and friends go on a vacation that we should have been on. Ugh.

[Rama]

Hugs kayladawn91. I hope you get your rainbow soon, too.


How are you doing? Decent atm, but have moments

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): T?TC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP

Updates/questions: I finished taking Provera on Sunday, so I'm crossing my fingers CD1 is before Saturday, so H can come with.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I don't really have one this week?

**possible triggers** I went to dinner with my SIL on Sunday because we're both loss moms. She doesn't talk about hers much (the circumstances around having that child caused her a lot of anguish, so she has a different relationship with her loss than we might), but she cried when I gave her a memorial bracelet and she brought it up a little. It was a really nice dinner and we got to celebrate our motherhood in a low-key kind of way. :)

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations. Do you have anything planned? Nothing planned, but lots of ideas. I want to visit bibliothecary, go to the TCF convention at Disney in October, and maybe something else, idk. We'll see what ends up happening.

[akraus2015]

kayladawn91 , the waiting is the worst. I feel like I’m constantly sitting around waiting for something…my period, a test date, blood work results, a RE appointment…the list goes on and on.

ellabee , I am starting to get that “oddly detached” feeling, as well. Yesterday after my whole false positive debauchery, I was texting with my BFF and she asked me how I was doing. My response was “I’m starting to think I’m incapable of feeling any emotion other than anger.”

doodler , is it too late for you to try and book something still? I am headed to the outer banks on Thursday…it will be my first time visiting that part of the country.

Rama , are there a lot of people going to Disney? I really wanted to go, but I wouldn’t go without H, and theme parks are SO not his thing.

How are you doing? Well, I got out of bed this morning. Considering yesterday's events, I'm calling that a success.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC...in the TWW but definitely not pregnant (F U CBE test!!!), so just waiting for AF to arrive.

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR and unrelated RPL

Updates/questions: No updates really...I'm guessing I'll start another cycle of Clomid once my period arrives. Fucking hormones.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I did plenty of venting yesterday, but its just weird how this journey evolves. I feel like this experience has hardened me, which in a way isn't a terrible thing, but on the other hand, its kind of sad when you get so desensitized to things that you don't even bother crying over a false positive test. I just went home, slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day, and then got up and resumed my life. It's like I'm starting to become numb to any feelings, and it's spreading into other parts of my life beyond TTC.

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations. Do you have anything planned? Thursday I'm headed to the outer banks for a "work" trip with Stella & Dot. It will be my first travel event since becoming a stylist, and I'm really excited. We're doing leadership training at someone's house on the beach. Then in July I'll be in Orlando for another S&D event called Hoopla, which I'm SUPER excited for. There's a fashion show! And a dance party! And free bling and booze!! H and I decided to hold off on any trips together for the summer because I keep thinking I'll be pregnant soon...

[Rama]

akraus2015 I'm not sure exactly how many people are going, but I'm excited anyway. Naria would have a better idea. :)

[ladytiffany24]

How are you doing? Feeling a little down again. I'm feeling like and hoping it's normal for my emotions to be like a roller coaster through this process.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): None, CP in early April

Updates/questions: Nothing really today.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I think what's got me down is that H kind of broke my heart yesterday. He finally admitted that he's SO ready for another baby. And that this process is starting to hit him hard too. He said that at first, it was more about me and trying to give me what I wanted, but now, he's all in. He wants DD to have a sibling. It made me kind of sad because it was the first time he'd actually shown any kind of emotion through this whole process.

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations. Do you have anything planned?
Nothing super big. We're doing Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg over Memorial Day weekend. We hadn't planned anything big because I wanted to save any extra PTO days for in case I got pregnant.

[ellabee]

ladytiffany24, I hear you on saving PTO. I've been so stingy with allowing myself days off, even for things I really wanted to do, because I need to save so far in advance for any potential maternity leave. This PTO rationing started back at the beginning of 2015 and now I'm just so mad that I didn't take more time off for vacations and holidays and "me" time. It's beyond frustrating and it hurts to think about all the time I've "wasted" while focused on TTC instead of enjoying myself in the moment.

[kayladawn91]

ellabee I felt really detached during my last TWW as well. I didn't do any of the things I normally do during the TWW and for the first time I didn't get my hopes up. I totally expected AF to come, even though I still got upset when it did. So I get that hopelessness you're engaging in. It stinks.

doodler I'm sorry about your lack of vacation plans. Is it too late to book something fun with just you and YH? The time away might still be nice.

Rama I'm glad you were able to have a positive experience with your SIL.

akraus2015 I am just sending you so many hugs. I am less and less sad as the months go by too. The biggest emotion I feel now is anger, which isn't fun either.

ladytiffany24 hugs to you and YH. I think it's important for us to know that our SOs are emotionally invested too. MH shows very little emotion and sometimes doesn't seem to care about this whole process at all and it's hard. I'm glad he opened up to you about it so you know he's on the same page as you.

[ellabee]

I'm so sorry that the waiting game seems like it's never ending kayladawn91. I'm glad that you're able to get some of the testing covered though. Hopefully you'll get to go through with your Florida trip!

I'm glad you're feeling better this week doodler. ((hugs)) for all the vacation feels. It's so so hard to watch milestones and events like that pass by when they make you remember what would have been. I was supposed to be pregnant during our vacation this summer. I was supposed to be the one who had to decline the beach gin & tonics and oysters and wrangle my bump into a maternity suit. Instead, I'll be watching my SIL do all those things instead. Life is cruelly ironic.

I'm glad that you were able to have that dinner with your SIL Rama. That was so sweet of you to give here a remembrance bracelet. Fx that CD1 comes soon for you.

So many ((hugs)) again akraus2015. I know what you mean about feeling "hardened". It's one of the most difficult parts of loss I think - that knowledge that you've been emotionally burnt out and will never be the same. Hopefully your trip this Thursday will give you some much needed distraction.

[pinkcat]

Hi all. I'll be back later to tag, but lots of hugs all around

AFM, no real updates this week. I do want to AW DH for a minute, he wrote me the sweetest letter on Saturday. There have been a ton of pregnancy announcements in our circle of friends lately, and last week's CD1 hit me hard. He wrote about how he knew Mother's Day this year was going to be tough but he knew someday I would make the best mother, no matter what our journey was to getting there. There were a lot of other things he said, but it was just a really nice note and it made me happy to feel like I have a partner 100% of the way in this, and I'm not alone.

Other than that we have our first appointment with my OB next week to start some testing....nothing else new here!

[doodler]

May 10, 2016 10:39:05 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

doodler , is it too late for you to try and book something still? I am headed to the outer banks on Thursday…it will be my first time visiting that part of the country.

Ooh, fun!  We have been going for about 5 years now.  It is such a chill, beach town, but without all the touristy stuff.  Everything is so laid back.  Hopefully you will be able to go have some fun times with your team down there!

[akraus2015]

ladytiffany24, it is absolutely normal for this process to be a roller coaster. It’s a ride I’ve been on for over a year now, and I can at least say that the ups and downs get a little less….intense, I guess you could say? It’s very hard when you see how it affects your loved ones. I also hate to see H hurting, and I’m sure he thinks the same about me.

pinkcat, I love that your hubby thought to send you a sweet note! MH was actually the only (close) person in my life who didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day. He said he thought it would upset me if he got me a card or anything…

doodler, how is the beach this time of year? Should I expect nice weather? I have dresses/shorts/swimsuits picked out for most of the trip…

[doodler]

May 10, 2016 12:45:28 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

ladytiffany24, it is absolutely normal for this process to be a roller coaster. It’s a ride I’ve been on for over a year now, and I can at least say that the ups and downs get a little less….intense, I guess you could say? It’s very hard when you see how it affects your loved ones. I also hate to see H hurting, and I’m sure he thinks the same about me.

pinkcat, I love that your hubby thought to send you a sweet note! MH was actually the only (close) person in my life who didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day. He said he thought it would upset me if he got me a card or anything…

doodler, how is the beach this time of year? Should I expect nice weather? I have dresses/shorts/swimsuits picked out for most of the trip…

Well, normally I would say yes but I don't know about right now. I'm in MD and it's usually 80 degrees every day by now. Meanwhile this year we can't break out of the 60's. So make sure you check the weather down there before you pack!

[caer]

kayladawn91 - I feel you on the impatience. After trying so long, it's really are not to want an immediate answer and plan. I hope th testing goes as well and as quickly as possible for you. Sending (((hugs)))

All the (((hugs))) ellabee. I know I'm guarding my heart now that we started trying again. It's so hard not to, although I also hate that I can't just feel excited and hopeful.

I'm glad you're back TTC doodler and that you're feeling ok! I'm sorry that your summer plans were impacted by your losses. I hope you can find some time to get away.

Your story about your dinner with your SIL was lovely Rama. Thinking of you both. (((Hugs)))

You've been in my thoughts akraus2015. I'm sorry for everything you've been through in the last few days and for all the experiences that have left you feeling numb. This is all really unfair. (((Hugs)))

(((Hugs))) for the hard conversation with your DH ladytiffany24.

[caer]

How are you doing? Ok this week

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): MMC, AMA, unexplained IF

Updates/questions: still just hanging out, WTO

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Mother's Day was a little rough around here. There were several announcements on or around that date that hurt. I'm trying just to be happy for others and understand that my fertility has nothing to do with anyone else but it's not always easy for me.

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations. Do you have anything planned?
We just got back from a cruise. Nothing else planned right now but we might try to visit Maine in August.

[mosdub]

How are you doing? Pretty good this week

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC (CD 6)

Diagnosis (if applicable): PMP, slightly higher chance of another

Updates/questions: I'm feeling really optimistic about this next cycle. No idea why.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing today really.

QOTW: Last week we talked dream vacations, this week let's talk real vacations. Do you have anything planned? Going to a cute town a few hours away with some friends this month! I'm so excited! Beaches, cute downtown area, wineries... Yes!

[mosdub]

caer sorry for the tough announcements around Mother's day.

akraus2015 in a totally non-creepy way I was thinking of you today. I hope you can continue to process and heal. We're here if shit hits the fan and you need to word vomit all the feels.

pinkcat what a sweet note from YH!

ladytiffany24 Even though it's sad it's nice to know YH is on the same page as you. MH is supportive of me, but hasn't really expressed what YH has to you.

Rama Glad you had a nice date with SIL.

[caer]

What a sweet gesture from DH pinkcat. ❤️

Sounds like a nice weekend you have planned mosdub!

[kayladawn91]

pinkcat that was so sweet of YH!

caer hugs for the rough time you had with Mothers Day.

mosdub I'm glad you're doing good

[wannabmama]

kayladawn91 so many hugs, the whole process takes so long and there are so few real answers. I hope you get to go to FL!
ellabee I'm so self protective now, I honestly can't remember the last time I felt just truly hopeful and optimistic, which sucks bc two years ago those would be in my top five personality traits. I hate that we lose that in the process sometimes but I totally get it.
doodler I'm so sorry you're missing out on the trip...can you and YH or a friend or something go away for a weekend or even just a night around the time of the family trip so you can look forward to something then too?
Your dinner with your SIL sounds so lovely Rama I'm glad you got to have that time!
akraus2015 I was just talking to a friend who has done IVF and such and I was saying that I really have no emotional attachment to the process at this point. Maybe if I ever get to a point where I feel really pregnant again, I'll feel joy. Until then it's all needles and numbers and I feel so detached.
ladytiffany24 when MH says anything remotely emotional it breaks my heart...he's not programmed to be that way so it always hits so hard (esp when it's something I can't "fix")
pinkcat major kudos to Mr. Pinkcat! How sweet!
caer it's so hard to balance the emotions around my pregnant friends. It seems to hit me out of nowhere when I do get upset and I feel bad thinking "it's all about me" when I can't be totally happy all the time for my KU friends.
Yeah mosdub I love the positive energy in your posts. I need to remind myself it's ok to be optimistic for any reason...or no reason!

I don't have much to report. Just waiting. Still more. Waiting.

QOTW: we are going to visit my grandmother for a family reunion (that likely messes with my IVF cycle) and then if she's up for it, I'm driving with my gma and my mom to my gma's lake house so she can spend what is likely to be one last summer there. I'm hoping H and I can go to Maine in Oct for an annual trip. All pretty low key given everything we have going on.

[mosdub]

Thanks wannabmama, I am definitely not positive all the time. Today, right now, I'm feeling okay! I don't know where this optimism is coming from but I'll take it I'm probably just setting myself up for disappointment but I'm sick of worrying so whatever. I'll deal with the feels next CD1, for now I'll try to blissfully enjoy WTO. (After almost a year of having to use the barrier method I'm also just glad we don't have to worry about that anymore!)

[wannabmama]

May 10, 2016 18:56:40 GMT -5 mosdub said:

Thanks wannabmama, I am definitely not positive all the time. Today, right now, I'm feeling okay! I don't know where this optimism is coming from but I'll take it I'm probably just setting myself up for disappointment but I'm sick of worrying so whatever. I'll deal with the feels next CD1, for now I'll try to blissfully enjoy WTO. (After almost a year of having to use the barrier method I'm also just glad we don't have to worry about that anymore!)

Hey, remembering to enjoy the little things is what makes life bearable and fun. Go and enjoy it!

[caer]

I'm sorry the waiting continues wannabmama. I think I asked you this before, but where do you go in Maine? We also make an annual trip there.

[wannabmama]

May 10, 2016 19:16:03 GMT -5 caer said:

I'm sorry the waiting continues wannabmama. I think I asked you this before, but where do you go in Maine? We also make an annual trip there.

We go to damariscotta it's a tiny town kind of near Bath. We went on one of our first trips together to stay at this teeny cabin and now we go back every year. The dogs are welcome so it's perfect!!
Where do y'all go?

[caer]

May 10, 2016 19:18:42 GMT -5 wannabmama said:

May 10, 2016 19:16:03 GMT -5 caer said:

I'm sorry the waiting continues wannabmama. I think I asked you this before, but where do you go in Maine? We also make an annual trip there.

We go to damariscotta it's a tiny town kind of near Bath. We went on one of our first trips together to stay at this teeny cabin and now we go back every year. The dogs are welcome so it's perfect!!
Where do y'all go?

I'm not familiar with that area but that sounds lovely! Maine is so beautiful during the summer. My husband's family has a cabin on a lake about 45 minutes north-west of Portland. He's been going every year since he was an infant and I've joined in the fun for the past 10 years.

[mosdub]

@samrs22 That donation thing doesn't make sense. I looked it up and they say to wait 6 weeks after pregnancy OR miscarriage. Not sure why a miscarriage "wouldn't count" but maybe there is some sciencey reason.

eta:  sorry for that reminder though  I hate how I have to check "not pregnant at this time" every time I had to go get my blood work done.  

[mosdub]

May 10, 2016 20:04:22 GMT -5 @samrs22 said:

mosdub I tried finding a reason online. Can't find one. I just don't like being told my pregnancy didn't count. I counted it. It happened. That's all

I get it.  It did count.  

I get that feeling a lot when I'm around pregnant women who are commiserating about their symptoms and I want to commiserate too.  Sometimes I hold back, but sometimes I share (if they are my close friends) about my experiences.  Even though it didn't end in my take home baby, it happened.