Birth/Labor Anxiety

[kona]

I'm not sure how to approach this with M. I can tell that she is dreading the labor and birth for #2. I want to be supportive and give her the tools to feel more confident and stronger going into this birth.

She was doing some personal training with a lady she really liked but due to finances we cut that out.  She was going to continue on her own but didn't. I did buy her another 6 sessions for Mother's Day but she hasn't made any appts yet.  They offer classes at this place too but she won't go to those, I think she is embarrassed of her body. We also switched to a midwife group this time rather than the OB to see if that helps to make her and I feel more in control. We won't know that until the time comes though.

Any suggestions from anyone who has been here or has some insight?

Edited because I'm apparently not very tech savvy with this spoiler thing.

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{Background story}
The background is that with O, she broke a high pocket of water that did not start labor. We were admitted and put on Pitocin for 3 days to induce. The rest of her water finally broke, then she ended up pushing for 3 solid hours. As a result of the position she was in while pushing (and an old injury), the day after we got home from the hospital, we were back in the ED because she was in so much pain with her shoulder. She essentially damaged the nerve in her upper neck/shoulder and couldn't lift her arm past her waist. Nerves heal slowly and she was really limited in how she could care for O in the beginning due to her shoulder.

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[mahler5]

I don't know what to tell you if she doesn't want to go. Maybe encourage her to get out and exercise and do activities with you.

The odds are her second labor will be easier, so she may not have the same issues. My water broke with C but I didn't go into natural labor either and had to be induced. I'm really hoping I go into natural labor this time! Hope she does too!

I get the whole feeling fat and not wanting to exercise. I am determined to take C swimming today but I really don't wanT To get in a swimsuit but I know I need to.

I know L gets frustrated at me when I don't want to do certain things because I'm pregnant and don't feel well. And she feels she has no control over the situation. I get annoyed because I'm the one going through being pregnant and remind her of that. I feel pretty out of control of my body too and hate it (and I'm not saying this is the case with you guys.)

Anyway, I digress, but I'm not sure what to tell you. Maybe she will feel better and want to go. Good luck!

[karlamo]

From what I've read on my own, being "in shape" while pregnant has little to no bearings on the type of labor you'll have. People who've never exercised a day in their life can have the "easiest" of labors and vice versa. Did her provider tell her to work out in order to prevent birth complications?

As for her feeling good about her body, I didn't work out at all while pregnant. It was my choice not to. I never had body image issues till I got pregnant and started gaining weight.
Since giving birth I'm back to my old work out routine and weigh less now than before I got pregnant. I would say post baby is the time to cash in on those personal training sessions.

Sorry if I'm not helpful.

[kh826]

I definitely agree with the idea that being "in shape" has little to no bearing on the type of labor and delivery you will have. I think a lot of it is the individual baby and how they make their way into the world, the individual birthing person's body, and a little bit of genetics.

I was NOT in shape at all with either of my pregnancies.
I gain an obscene amount of weight, and I did not work out at all.
Both labors were very different from one another in terms of experience, but both lasted about 12 hours and progressed similarly.
I pushed for 10 mins with William and about 30 mins with Lucie.
My recovery with William was horrendous, and with Lucie it was like I never had a baby 24 hrs later.
All this to say that in some ways I think you get what you get.
I think a lot of "being proactive" in terms of prepping for labor is a mental game -- at least for me. We did a lot of talking to my OB about plans we had for labor and delivery the second time around because we wanted to try to avoid certain complications that I had the first time post partum. Honestly, the prep talk made me feel better and feel ready, but it did not change a darn thing once I was in labor and in the moment. I felt better about it though, and honestly I think THAT is what helped me.

I also have been uncomfortable with my body and had body image issues my WHOLE life. Oddly enough, I am more comfortable with my body now (having had 2 babies, one of them 15 wks ago) than I was in high school or college. When pregnant though, I am NOT comfy with my pregnant body at all, and I am always worried about "being covered up" during labor until I am actually in active labor and then I care about nothing other than giving birth. Being comfortable with your pregnant body is HARD. For me, it is all mental and has nothing to do with fitness.

I think all you can really do is support her. Tell her you will listen if she wants to rant or complain. Tell her you understand how she is feeling. Support her desire to buy new clothes if that helps (it helped me sometimes to find things at different phases of pregnancy that fit better). If she tells you she feels fat, tell her you think she is beautiful and that her body is doing amazing work. I honestly think all of that is ten times more important and helpful than a personal trainer... but that's just me. Good luck to both of you!

[Stringy]

Does her OB or MW have any insights into things? What about a doula? I would try to talk with her about it and see what part she's nervous about, and likely there isn't anything changeable that you can fix. I'm getting pretty nervous myself - this being my first time. My wife was acting a little too "oh its all fine" this week so I finally sat her down and said, "ok, you did this before. I watched you suffer thru pitocin for hours before you had pain management. I watched you push for 3 hours and have M come out not breathing. Maybe I'm traumatized, but none of it was fun to watch. If you were truly doing this this time around, would you be nervous again?"

And she eventually admitted that yes, she would be nervous somewhat even though she's done it before.

If she's nervous about the actual physical ramifications for her body, she should really talk to her health care providers for some insight. If its the typical/general nervousness - all you can do is be there for her. Ask her what you can do to help in the moments, acknowledge that its normal to be scared...etc.

[kona]

Thanks for the responses. I probably didn't explain the situation very well. I'm really trying to find the best way to support M and let her know that I know she is strong enough to handle another birth like a pro. She did great the last time. I bought the training so she might feel stronger and therefore be mentally stronger as well. It wasn't so much about actually being physically strong but more the attitude that she is a strong person and can handle another labor and delivery. It may have been a misplaced gift (my heart was in the right place).

I think talking with the MW as we get closer may also help to lay out the plan we have and talk about various scenarios even though things may go completely different from the plan.

I will try to communicate better with her so she can tell me how to best support her.

[mahler5]

May 13, 2016 13:19:19 GMT -5 kona said:

Thanks for the responses. I probably didn't explain the situation very well. I'm really trying to find the best way to support M and let her know that I know she is strong enough to handle another birth like a pro. She did great the last time. I bought the training so she might feel stronger and therefore be mentally stronger as well. It wasn't so much about actually being physically strong but more the attitude that she is a strong person and can handle another labor and delivery. It may have been a misplaced gift (my heart was in the right place).

I think talking with the MW as we get closer may also help to lay out the plan we have and talk about various scenarios even though things may go completely different from the plan.

I will try to communicate better with her so she can tell me how to best support her.

Sounds like you are being a very supportive and awesome wife! I hope talking to the Mw more will make you both feel better.

[wittyandwaiting]

I had a really rough birth with DS, enough of one that it impacted my thoughts on getting pregnant again.

Almost ten years later I realized that j had experienced some birth trauma and how real it could be. During this pregnancy, as I approach the third trimester I found myself truly terrified of giving birth. I cried in our midwives office when we discussed birth.

We ended up doing a private in home prenatal class with a Doula and a prenatal educator where we talked about what my previous birth been like and went through strategies on how to prevent the same thing from happening.

It was really helpful and I ended up having a really positive birth experience with O despite a few anticipated complications. I felt really empowered to advocate for myself and to communicate my needs to C and my midwives. To be honest, before the class I wasn't even sure what some of my needs were.

Also, helpful resource: www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/what_is_trauma.htm

Sorry for the delayed reply kona.