Are we really that...

[tjr42px]

I'm not even sure what I would call it, but this isn't the first time...Unreliable, easily overwhelmed, unable...

I was off from work this past week and will be home this upcoming week as well. I dropped LO off at school yesterday and he had a stack of art work in his cubby from the few days he missed while MW and kids were visiting family. His teacher pulled all the papers out and then hesitated. She then asked "do you want me to keep these and give them to your wife?" Lol! What? Every time something like this happens I really question what the expectations for a father are.

For the record, the construction paper mittens and summer themed snowmen arrived home safe and sound. They are pretty awesome by the way.

When I used to stay home with LO I'd take him to the park, jog with him, go to the grocery store, etc. I would observe a million and one smiles, very friendly people holding doors, offering to carry bags, etc. but I didn't see similar reactions toward mothers unless they had two kids. Like...oh she's got this...he's going above and beyond and could use help.

I feel this does two things (probably more):
1) it minimizes my role as dad. I'm perfectly capable of a grocery run with a kiddo in a carrier just like all the mothers out there. Are we not all caregivers?

And

2) it drastically minimizes all the hard work of the mommies out there. Shouldn't we offer anyone some help in opening a door or carrying a bag if they could use it? Why a dad, but not a mom?

I'll dig out a blog post a buddy of mine wrote not too long ago on the subject. I couldn't agree with him more. I feel a way about interactions that seem to suggest that doing what a parent does (if you're a man) is going above and beyond. Being a parent requires going above and beyond everyday. It's an insane amount of work even if you have a ridiculous amount of help. I say hold that door for the person, not for the gender!

[tjr42px]

papadoespreach.com/2014/10/14/dear-scarymommy-marginalizing-dads-is-a-scary-mistake/

So this wasn't the post I was looking for, but is an observation on the damage marginalizing fathers can have on sons. He took a lot of heat for it by some, and received a lot of praise by others.

Here is his original post

papadoespreach.com/2014/04/05/the-marginalization-of-dad/

[tjr42px]

My original reference is contained in here:

papadoespreach.com/2013/08/15/im-an-average-dad-and-i-love-it/

The part about going to the doctors appointment. I can totally relate. Been on the receiving end of numerous of those from doctors visits to school/daycare functions.

[eddiegotsole]

Feb 7, 2015 12:16:22 GMT -5 tjr42px said:

I'm not even sure what I would call it, but this isn't the first time...Unreliable, easily overwhelmed, unable...

I was off from work this past week and will be home this upcoming week as well. I dropped LO off at school yesterday and he had a stack of art work in his cubby from the few days he missed while MW and kids were visiting family. His teacher pulled all the papers out and then hesitated. She then asked "do you want me to keep these and give them to your wife?" Lol! What? Every time something like this happens I really question what the expectations for a father are.

For the record, the construction paper mittens and summer themed snowmen arrived home safe and sound. They are pretty awesome by the way.

When I used to stay home with LO I'd take him to the park, jog with him, go to the grocery store, etc. I would observe a million and one smiles, very friendly people holding doors, offering to carry bags, etc. but I didn't see similar reactions toward mothers unless they had two kids. Like...oh she's got this...he's going above and beyond and could use help.

I feel this does two things (probably more):
1) it minimizes my role as dad. I'm perfectly capable of a grocery run with a kiddo in a carrier just like all the mothers out there. Are we not all caregivers?

And

2) it drastically minimizes all the hard work of the mommies out there. Shouldn't we offer anyone some help in opening a door or carrying a bag if they could use it? Why a dad, but not a mom?

I'll dig out a blog post a buddy of mine wrote not too long ago on the subject. I couldn't agree with him more. I feel a way about interactions that seem to suggest that doing what a parent does (if you're a man) is going above and beyond. Being a parent requires going above and beyond everyday. It's an insane amount of work even if you have a ridiculous amount of help. I say hold that door for the person, not for the gender!

Great points!  I do feel like expectations for dad's are completely different!  I've even heard someone tell me, OH you're baby sitting today?!  Babysitting?!  This is my son, I have the right to go out with him if I want!  I work an alternate work schedule so every other Monday I have a day off, usually on those days I will take my son on a long late morning or afternoon walk and I don't think its expected that I would be out walking with him on my own.  

I agree with people wanting to be extra helpful with dads.  Maybe they feel sorry for us because they think we are clueless about how to navigate around with a baby?!  Its quite confusing to me!  I mean, sure I appreciate people being nice to me, but don't treat dads like we're not capable!

[tjr42px]

I too appreciate the help. I don't think being female comes with a manual for parenting...I know I didn't get one as a dad.

Strange...I used to do some child custody evaluations for a probate court system. As part of any divorce between individuals that have children in the state, the couple must attend co-parenting classes. I found this to be crazy. If they had the option of attending parenting classes and communication classes (like they did when divorcing) I bet they could have saved a ton of marriages. -but I digress. I'm all about preventative initiatives.

[eddiegotsole]

That's a great point tjr! You get lots of tips and advice for caring for your child, but not for the co-parenting part! I'm not sure what is involved with that but it sounds like it could be very helpful!

[tjr42px]

Thought I replied to this already but I guess not.

TLTR: Communicate! And it's something I suck at. Lol. But you only have to be a "good enough" parent to not screw your kids up. There is something refreshing about not having to get it 100% right 24/7.

The program divorcing parents went to "parents apart" was awesome. It discussed what to expect when going through a divorce, likely impact to kiddos, etc. but most valuable were portions on communication, consistency of both homes, etc. essentially what is good for intact families too. Consistency and communication between the parents. It's just easier to do if you are not experiencing the emotions of divorce to have those conversations. It also reviews normative development and what average kids need by way of limits, rewards vs punishment effectiveness - finding your kids "currency". Very basic communication and conflict resolution between parent and child but also parent and parent. Co-parent is essentially about parenting with similar values. The goal or specific implementation might be different, but the value is consistent. Like if quality sleep is the value, bed time routine might be important. However is bath then story better than story then bath? No. That's an oversimplified example, but the specifics give room for compromise between parents with in the limits of the agreed upon goal. For divorced parents often the goal is recognition your ex is a good parent, but does 30 mins difference in bed time really matter if the outcome us still a rested little one? I'd say no. That 30 mins could equate to being "the better parent" but then you are talking about manipulative parenting. I'm saying if the child is the priority, not one upping the other parent, the small differences mean very little. Which research shows leads to less conflict between parents and better outcomes for kids. I think the most "wowing" research around divorce is that children in the middle of high conflict divorce have poorer outcomes than those who have experienced the death of one parent (academically, socially, and emotionally). Absence of conflict is huge! So whynot invest in preventative programs and marketing that way. My clinic has such a program now, but it's run by a DCF like entity. No one attends because of the stigma attached to the center. Again I digress I could go on all day...whether your married, divorced, partnered, a single parent, good communication between all caregivers (schools, baby sitters, family, etc). flexibility in the context of your values, and a basic understanding of kids goes a long way.