TTCAL Check-In 5/31

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: Are you good at networking? Any advice or recommendations?

[doodler]

How are you doing? I'm good.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unicorn Uterus, RPL, AMA

Updates/questions: I keep bleeding after sex. This was happening last summer too right before I got pregnant in July. I went to my OB and she ran a few tests but nothing came of it and then I was pregnant so it was a moot point. It is just so annoying and I wish I knew why it was happening.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Same as last week, I'm just having such mixed emotions now that we are TTC again. Some days I wonder if I even still want another child, but I know I do and I think it is just my mind's way of protecting myself from another loss.

QOTW: Are you good at networking? Any advice or recommendations? Socially or professionally? My job involves a ton of community outreach and making connections to find jobs for my students. I think I'm pretty good at it. For me it is all about feeling everyone out and identifying who is going to be sympathetic/willing to help. I get a lot of doors slammed in my face as well.

[Rama]

So many hugs, doodles. If TTC weren't enough of a mindfuck already, right?


How are you doing? Okay loss-wise, badly IF-wise

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TWW?

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP

Updates/questions: Triggered on Saturday and my chart doesn't show a shift yet. I know during treatment, it's frowned in to keep charting because the meds can mess things up, but it's always been reliable for me. I'm worried and upset that maybe it didn't work and I never ovulated. Again. That's right, a body so fucked, even triggers don't trigger.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Along with the above, I had a meltdown on Sunday night, which happened to be when I'd most likely O. Neither of us wanted to have sex, but we did anyway. I hate how my sex life is dictated not by a desire for intimacy, but by a desperate frenzy during treatment. It's practically lost its value. I don't know if the result is worth the turmoil anymore. (That's a lie, but still.)

QOTW: Are you good at networking? Any advice or recommendations? I'm fairly good at it. I get along with people and remember details well, so I always seem to have someone to ask for help when I need it.

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? I'm good.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained, resected uterine septum

Updates/questions: Acupuncture hasn't made much of a difference for these 2 cycles. Next cycle we're moving on to Clomid, but the RE is telling us that only has a 10% chance of working. I'm applying for jobs and hoping I find one with better infertility coverage.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): It's been almost 2 years TTC for us. A baby feels more out of reach than ever.

QOTW: Are you good at networking? Any advice or recommendations? Nope, not at all. I feel pretty awkward around people I don't already know, and I feel embarrassed asking for favors and dealing with rejection. I'm really working on it though, but it's exhausting!

[notagoddess]

May 31, 2016 9:48:23 GMT -5 Rama said:

. I hate how my sex life is dictated not by a desire for intimacy, but by a desperate frenzy during treatment. It's practically lost its value.

I know what this is like and I hate it so much.

I hope you did O, regardless of your chart. It would be awful to not get a shot after that.

[doodler]

Rama yesterday I got a positive OPK and immediately got frustrated because we had to have sex. DH was drinking(and on his way to drunk), my in-laws were at my house hanging out, and I didn't feel good. The last thing I wanted to do was get frisky. I am totally with you.

[kayladawn91]

doodler sorry about the bleeding. Do you plan to ask your doctor about it again?

Rama I feel the same way. Yesterday neither of us wanted to have sex so we didn't, and then I felt guilty for not forcing it since I could O any day now. I'm sick of it having to be this way too.

notagoddess It will be two years since first TTC for us in August and sometimes I feel the same way. I wonder if I'll ever be a mom.

[wannabmama]

I'm with y'all on the sex not for fun anymore frustration train. And then...we will have a bunch of days with fun sex (this weekend for example...) and it looks like I haven't yet O'ed...so it was fun and all, but now I'm frustrated that I need to "force" it tonight to still have a chance (we didn't yesterday, either). Why can't it just line up?! Not that it matters since we prob can't do it ourselves anyway.
I'm also coming up on two years TTC in July.
I feel completely apathetic and know I need to focus on getting our IVF cycle in, but just don't feel the requisite urgency right now. Like I can't handle the disappointment if it doesn't work so instead I'll just watch my fertility shrivel up and die.

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? I don't really know how to answer this anymore. I've been worse obviously, but I wouldn't say I'm doing great or anything.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, WTO in Cycle 12, Month 15 AL

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: I'm just hanging out here and WTO. If this cycle doesn't work out my OB will do the SHG next cycle and we'll go from there.

Debbie downer: I had an emotional weekend. I often vent to MH about TTC and tell him I'm sad that I'm still not pregnant which he translates to me being unhappy in every aspect of my life. Then we argue because he says things like "well I'm sorry I don't make you happy" which isn't what I said at all. But once that thought is in his head, there seems to be nothing I can say to change it. He doesn't seem to be able to understand and our communication surrounding IF testing and TTC is really poor. It's frustrating.

QOTW: Not really.

[pinkcat]

doodler Rama wannabmama notagoddess Hugs- I totally get what you guys mean about feeling like TTC is taking so much away from sex. DH really struggles when sex feels "forced" rather than just for fun and we have been running into performance issues that way. I wish we could all just have sex when we wanted to, how we wanted to, without having to think about timing it! TTC is hard enough without adding that struggle in as well.

kayladawn91 Sorry you are having trouble with your H, I know exactly what you mean. My H gets that like as well sometimes when we talk about the loss or now trouble conceiving. It makes talking about IF testing so awkward for us sometimes, I hope that gets better as we get more used to it. I hope you are able to get your H to understand how you're feeling!

[pinkcat]

AFM, I am doing OK I guess. I'm at the end of my TWW right now but not feeling hopeful at all. We had "great" timing at first, or so I thought...but then my body faked me out a bit and I O'd a little later than normal. It was just frustrating because we finally had several days in the FW, which is rare for us. By the time I did actually O, we ended up with only -2. We tried on O day but DH just can't enjoy it as much when there is a lot of pressure and we ended up giving up. Then I feel bad because in the back of my mind I get irrationally irritated at him when I know it's not his fault. I do everything I can to not let him see when I'm frustrated this way but I feel bad for even getting frustrated in the first place. Sorry for the dear diary post here!

I have my first RE appointment tomorrow so hopefully we can come up with a plan and I'll feel better moving forward.

[Rama]

I both love and hate that we're all in the same area for how long we've been trying.

[kayladawn91]

Hugs wannabmama.

[hydrangea1019]

SPOILER: Click to show

Thanks for starting notagoddess
doodler the mind works in mysterious ways... It probably is trying to protect itself. TTC is stressful!
Ugh Rama I really hope the trigger worked! And sex pretty much lost all form of spontaneity within the last year for us as well. ((Hugs))
kayladawn91 I'm sorry for the miscommunication between you and H. Sometimes I think spouses hear one thing and run the opposite direction. I hope you two can clear it up together ((hugs))
pinkcat I hope your RE appt goes great tomorrow and you can start that journey.

Hi guys. I've been MIA for what feels like forever, but I think it's only been maybe two weeks... +1 more hitting that two year mark.

How are you? I'm ok
Status: NTNP right now due to new job
Diagnosis: all I know definitively is that I've got polyps
Updates: so DH got his 2nd SA results and everything came back NORMAL?! Not quite sure how we went from horrible news to normal... I also had my saline ultrasound, but I think last time I posted I mentioned this...?
Debbie downer: I'm not quite sure on this one. I go back and forth lately on being a downer, but then not...
QOTW: I'm HORRIBLE at networking, both socially and professionally. I wish I was better at it!

[Deleted]

Hey y'all. I haven't been in much, so much going on.

doodler I'm sorry for the bleeding. I also totally get sometimes thinking "do I really want another?". I think that is normal. Or I tell myself that.

Rama I hope it's just the meds messing with your temps.

notagoddess hugs

kayladawn91 my H is the same way! It makes me crazy. I always say he puts words in my mouth or twists things.

pinkcat hugs

AFM

**Trigger warning: children mentioned**

How are you doing? Meh. I go back and forth between totally fine and a mess.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): nothing official yet, just started with RE but high FSH and very few follicles points to DOR. Also AMA

Updates/questions: this is my first medicated TI cycle. I finished clomid today and go back Friday for monitoring. He ordered ovidrel and crinone so I guess we will discuss all of the Friday. This is all new to me and I don't really know what to expect.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I have been such a ragey bitch this week. I was so sad Friday when I saw the results of the u/s and BW. I guess I was expecting more of a "everything looks pretty normal" result.

***this might be triggering, I hope it's ok for me to discuss here, please let me know if I need to edit it out***
Whenever I do actually talk to someone about it (like close family) I get the "well at least you have 2 kids, be grateful." Of course I am grateful. But it still hurts that I may not be able to have more. I don't feel my family is complete, I often feel like someone is missing. I don't know if part of that is bc of the loss or what. But it sucks that I feel like I have to defend my right to be upset about this.

QOTW: Are you good at networking? Any advice or recommendations?
I suck at it lol.

[caer]

doodler - I'm sorry about the bleeding. Will you ask your doctor about it again?

I'm another one who "gets it" Rama. I fucking hate what this process has done to our sex life. I wish this was easier. (((Hugs)))

(((Hugs))) notagoddess for the milestone. I'm so sorry. I hope you find something with excellent IF coverage soon.

All the ((((hugs)))) wannabmama.

I'm sorry for the conflict with your H kayladawn91. I know my DH also sometimes takes my sadness/frustration about IF/loss as a commentary on our marriage as a whole and that's really hard. Sending hugs.

I'm sorry your timing wasn't what you wanted pinkcat. The pressure of FW is the freaking worst. All the things crossed for you.

[caer]

***LC mentioned***

@irish - I only have one child but I understand where you're coming from. I also often feel like people don't get it. Even DH will say things like "we're lucky to have DS." And I know that. Of course I do. But that doesn't mean my heart doesn't feel emptiness for the baby we lost or the one we're struggling to have. I can't pretend to know how primary infertility feels or how horrible and heartbreaking it must be. But there are definitely triggers unique to secondary IF/loss after living children that make it very painful as well. I have an empty nursery gathering dust and carefully saved baby clothes that may never get used and a son who would be an amazing big brother if my body would fucking cooperate.

So all that to say, I think it's ok to be sad and feel whatever you're feeling. You're not being ungrateful or greedy or anything else. This is hard stuff. Sending hugs and love.

[caer]

How are you doing? Ok today.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): AMA, Unexplained IF, MMC

Updates/questions: this will be our last natural cycle before moving onto treatment.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I was really, really sad that our first AL cycle was unsuccessful and had a rough weekend with AF showing up. DH and I talked and decided we're going to finalize our home equity loan so we can afford treatment and start next cycle. We're at almost 15 months of this bullshit now. And I know many, many people try for much longer and have it much worse. But we decided we personally can't live like this anymore. All the planning and scheduling sex, the despair over negative HPTs, the jealousy and sadness about other pregnancies, all of it. We either need it to work or we need to move on and heal.

QOTW: Are you good at networking? Any advice or recommendations?
This was one of my least favorite things about being a lawyer! I wish I had advice but it was never my best area.

[doodler]

May 31, 2016 12:10:49 GMT -5 caer said:

***LC mentioned***

@irish - I only have one child but I understand where you're coming from. I also often feel like people don't get it. Even DH will say things like "we're lucky to have DS." And I know that. Of course I do. But that doesn't mean my heart doesn't feel emptiness for the baby we lost or the one we're struggling to have. I can't pretend to know how primary infertility feels or how horrible and heartbreaking it must be. But there are definitely triggers unique to secondary IF/loss after living children that make it very painful as well. I have an empty nursery gathering dust and carefully saved baby clothes that may never get used and a son who would be an amazing big brother if my body would fucking cooperate.

So all that to say, I think it's ok to be sad and feel whatever you're feeling. You're not being ungrateful or greedy or anything else. This is hard stuff. Sending hugs and love.

***LC mentioned***
Yes, yes, and yes.  Right now we have clothes saved from DS, and clothes saved from our nieces.  We have bins and bins of clothes in the basement.  The other day I went and bought two new bins for DS's winter clothes and DH got an attitude with me because we already have so much saved and don't really have room for more.  I absolutely melted down and cried at him that we should already have our second child by now and I would be able to get rid of half of it but since that didn't happen WTF does he want me to do?  He was great and immediately realized he triggered me big time but I was pretty sad afterwards.

[caer]

Hugs doodler. We've had similar discussions. It really sucks.

[Rama]

Hugs to the 2IFers here. I think it's very similar to IF, with the added bullshit of people pointing out you already have a DC. It's not fair and I hate it for you. If your family is incomplete, it's incomplete. Period.

[Deleted]

Thanks caer hugs to you

[Deleted]

Hugs doodler

We had planned to move DS to the spare room and make his room a nursery, but were holding out until I was pregnant so we could plan based on the sex (I love pink so if it's a girl it's all pink all day lol)

Now it's just waiting waiting and it's like a constant reminder. I want to get him new furniture but why do it now and then have to move it, rather do it all at once. It seems like so much is affected by the waiting.

[Deleted]

Thank you Rama

[mosdub]

How are you doing? Doing okay. I had a rough Friday last week.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC (CD4)

Diagnosis (if applicable): PMP last pregnancy, higher chance of recurrence

Updates/questions: Nothing

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Temp drop and CD1 hit hard last week. I had so many high hopes. My rational mind knows this is normal but part of me hoped that after all we've been through that we would have an easy time this time around. I know that's not how things work though. Right now I'm telling myself that conceiving in June/July is better anyway since the EDD would align with our spring break and I could take the rest of the year off and have an extended maternity leave. But then I imagine not being pregnant in July and it breaks my heart. We will be going on a camping trip with our friend who will be 7+ months by then and I just don't know if I can deal with it if I'm not pregnant by then - which is a realization I am not comfortable with. OPP haven't usually bothered me like this. I'm really struggling. I'm having a pity party and just feel so frustrated.

QOTW: Are you good at networking? Any advice or recommendations? Not really someone who needs to network a lot, but when I have I guess it's best to connect on similar interests even if it's not work related.

[wannabmama]

mosdub I am with you on not usually being bothered by OPP but then there are a few that just sting. I try to rationalize my way out of it but I just can't stop the way I feel. It's completely distanced me from one of my best friends, but I just can't control my emotions when I'm around her. It's totally unfair to her and it sucks bc it's ruining a friendship that would be great to have as I go through my IF. It just sucks.

[mosdub]

Rama, I'm sorry for the IF struggles. I hope your temps are just messed up and that you did indeed O. I can in my own way understand the frustration with sex in relation to ttc. Hang in there. I hope you have a positive update.

doodler I also have those "do I really want this or just think I want this?" thoughts. Deep down I know I do.

kayladawn91, I'm sorry you and your H are having trouble communicating around ttc/IF. I know that MH feels frustrated that he can't give me what I want - he can do anything else for me but this is one thing that's just out of our hands.



I'm at 2 years right around now from when we first started ttc. Just looked - my first chart temping was April 2014. Granted, I wasn't actively able to try for about a year and a few months, but still.

[mosdub]

May 31, 2016 17:11:23 GMT -5 wannabmama said:

mosdub I am with you on not usually being bothered by OPP but then there are a few that just sting. I try to rationalize my way out of it but I just can't stop the way I feel. It's completely distanced me from one of my best friends, but I just can't control my emotions when I'm around her. It's totally unfair to her and it sucks bc it's ruining a friendship that would be great to have as I go through my IF. It just sucks.

I'm sorry, it does suck. My friend struggled with IF and I am SO happy for her after her long journey to conceive, but I guess I feel left behind or something.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's not jealousy, it truly isn't.  I think Rama used the word "wistful" which I think is so accurately.  Sometimes painfully wistful.  Almost like nostalgia for something that never happened. 

[caer]

Many hugs mosdub.

[mosdub]

May 31, 2016 12:19:27 GMT -5 caer said:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I was really, really sad that our first AL cycle was unsuccessful and had a rough weekend with AF showing up. DH and I talked and decided we're going to finalize our home equity loan so we can afford treatment and start next cycle. We're at almost 15 months of this bullshit now. And I know many, many people try for much longer and have it much worse. But we decided we personally can't live like this anymore. All the planning and scheduling sex, the despair over negative HPTs, the jealousy and sadness about other pregnancies, all of it. We either need it to work or we need to move on and heal.

I'm so sorry for the hard CD1  I'm with you there.  The AL ones seem to carry an extra weight.  

I hope your treatment goes smoothly and successful in no time!