How are you doing? I'm ok. I'm 7dpo on my first cycle ttc again so I'm sure I will be a mess if it's a bfn.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC
Diagnosis (if applicable): Unicorn Ute, RPL, AMA
Updates/questions: Nada
Debbie downer (a place to vent): Just dealing with the emotions of finding out another best friend is pregnant. I fucking hate that I can't just be happy for my friends anymore and I have to deal with my own emotions regarding my losses and then the guilt of not just being happy for them.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? Aries, and I have the fiery temper to go with it!
Updates/questions: I've pretty much lost hope for this cycle. I'm devastated.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): We won't be able to do treatment again for several months. I don't know how well I'll handle this. I'm starting to wonder if I should give up, but I know MrRama really doesn't want to. We're on the same page for trying, but not for how to pay for trying.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? I'm a Dragon or a scorpion, depending on which zodiac you meant
doodler - sing it, sister. I feel you so hard. I cried over a pregnancy announcement yesterday, I'm dreading my BFF's baby shower this weekend...basically I feel like an awful person. I hate what loss/IF can do to us. I wish I had advice but I can offer commiseration. Sending you many (((hugs))).
Holding out hope for you Rama. I'm so sorry you're feeling down about this cycle. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers for a happy outcome. (((Hugs)))
Debbie downer (a place to vent): my anxiety has been pretty extreme for the last couple of weeks. I've been doing the Circle + Bloom meditation program that was mentioned here and doing daily mindfulness exercises but I can't seem to get it under control.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? Pisces. They are supposed to be be dreamy and artistic and laid back. This type A lawyer was born under the wrong sign, I think.
Rama I don't really know what to say except that I'm sorry. My chart isn't looking promising this cycle either. Oh, and I just looked at it and I'm 8dpo, not 7 ;P I hope this cycle surprises you and you don't have to make the hard decisions.
caer I absolutely hate it. My BFF is having her third on Father's Day. I know we will go see the baby at the hospital but honestly I don't know how I will react. The last time I was in the maternity ward at our hospital was on the day of my D&C when I ran down the hallway crying because I saw a Mother leaving the hospital with a newborn. I am SO freaking happy for her and I don't want to feel this way but I just can't stop it.
One of the things I like about this check-in is that it is a safe place to talk about these things with like-minded people who are likely going through the same thing. I can't even say most of the things I say in here to my husband. He doesn't get it. But you guys do.
Post by ladytiffany24 on Jun 7, 2016 13:41:37 GMT -5
doodler, Hugs. Friends getting pregnant is such a mind fuck. I completely understand.
Rama, I'm smothering you in creepy internet hugs right now. FX so hard for you that something will work out.
caer, Do you like meditation? I'm kind of interested in checking it out as well. I tend to get super anxious and I know the stress can't be helping anything. FX you can get your anxiety under control soon!
Post by ladytiffany24 on Jun 7, 2016 13:43:35 GMT -5
How are you doing? Meh.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC
Diagnosis (if applicable): None, CP in April
Updates/questions: Now that we're into month 8 of TTC, my brain is starting to go to thinking about what we'll do if we hit the 12 month mark. It almost scares me to even look up RE's, like somehow I'm going to jinx myself by even looking.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): I seriously feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant. And celebs too. I can't avoid it no matter what I do.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? I'm a Sagittarius. And true to it for the most part too. Very fiery personality. Rawr.
(((Hugs))) ladytiffany24. I feel like 75% of the people I know are pregnant. That's an exaggeration but it certainly feels that way sometimes!
As for the meditation, it's going ok. It's a little hard for me because my brain doesn't want to shut up. One minute I'm following the instructions to relax my shoulders and the next I'm thinking "damn, I forgot to buy the onions for dinner." Lol. But I guess that's the point - learning to deal with intrusive thoughts. I really like the part that talks about imagining tying your bad feelings to a balloon and watching float away. I'm trying to remember that when I'm sad or angry or jealous. But bottom line, I think it's worth a try if you're interested.
How are you doing? A little rough to be back here.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): benched
Diagnosis (if applicable): nmc, mmc, OB thinks both were random
Updates/questions: I had my d&c this morning. Spending the day sleeping off anesthesia. I just slept for five hours after I got home... Drugs are no joke.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): I only broke down once this morning, when they were giving me meds in preop right before taking me back. I consider this doing ok given where I am today. At least my OB and the nurses were all really sweet about it.
I had 2 back to back mc's, without cycling in between. I was told to wait to cycle but I wasn't very diligent (obviously), plus we were excited to TTC again, and I can't help thinking maybe I brought this on myself. My OB today said I absolutely had to wait to cycle this time before getting preggo again, you can bet I'll be taking her advice. I guess I just figured my body wouldn't do something it wasn't ready for. DH is also a little overwhelmed with all this, and I think he might want to wait a bit, though we're not far enough through this to seriously talk about it or make any decisions.
We're doing chromosomal testing this time since I had to do the d&c so maybe that will tell us something, though I know it might not.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? +1 for Aries. I've got the independent headstrong part down more than the temper.
Hugs to everyone who needs hugs, I'm on mobile or I'd tag you all.
If you made it through all that, here's a cookie for you
doodler, - I'm right there with you on the announcements. I had to sign off of facebook until my mental state was OK after this last loss. Rama, - I'm sorry you lost hope, I hope you are wrong. caer - this accountant got the wrong sign too - pisces here too. ladytiffany24 - I know - celebs keep popping up pregnant too...some twice while I'm still trying. big hugs irish14
Last Edit: Jun 7, 2016 15:50:02 GMT -5 by jlincoln
**losses and lo mentioned** 2012 - 3 IUI - all BFN 3/13 IVF #1 OHSS, 4 frozen 6/13 FET #1 2 transferred, BFN 8/13 FET #2 cancelled, thin lining 11/13 FET #2.2 cancelled, thin lining *new doctor* 3/14 IVF #2 3dt of 3 8-cell embryos BFP, all implanted, lost 2 babies, one baby born 11/14 2/16 FET #2.3 of 2 embryos, BFN IVF #3 4/16 early MC at 5 weeks TI with follistim 8/16 - CP IVF #4 Fall 2016
Hello friends. Finally deciding to come and play in here. I am roughly 6 weeks out from my miscarriage. This was my second loss as I had a CP in November of 2015. So that's where I'm at right now.
How are you doing? Not as well as I would like to think I am doing most days.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTA for 3 cycles
Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS
Updates/questions: Just plugging along. I had about 7 days of spotting a week ago that is gone now. No real period as far as I can tell. Which I did not expect anyways all things considered. I need to get betas drawn again but I keep getting busy or staying later at work than I thought I might so the place is always closed. I will be able to get them tomorrow morning for sure though. They were 123 2ish weeks ago so we will see what they are tomorrow. I have a script for Provera that I am putting off taking for who knows what reason. I need to look up how to take it because the idiot OB I was seeing wrote the script for "take 1 tab by mouth once for 1 dose." But there are 10 pills in the bottle. Oh, ok...
Debbie downer (a place to vent): I knew from the very first appt when they couldn't find the heartbeat that things were not going to end well. Even though they drew betas and they were high, and the second set only dropped a tiny bit. The doctor was hopeful that I would come back in a week and everything would be fine and they would find something. I always knew though. I was very matter of fact about it. This is what is happening, this is what happens next, I'm fine, everything is fine... this is what it is and nothing I do will change anything so I just have to do it. Six weeks out and past all of the necessary medical stuff and I am sort of just falling apart. Living my regular life, pretending like everything is just fine is the most exhausting thing I have ever done. I am so so tired.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? Aquarius.
I would tag but I am at work and should honestly leave before somebody comes in here and sees me crying at my desk. I have been writing this post all day. So finally posting and then running.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched I think.....my beta was a 39 on Monday (down from 350 a week before). We are anxious to try again - but I guess nothing is possible until number is back to negative? Bleeding has stopped for now....wondering if I should expect more (bled/spotted for 12 days).
Diagnosis (if applicable): MC at 5 weeks
Updates/questions: See status. I guess we are just waiting until my period/heavy flow comes? My history is that I have very light and short periods (problem with thin lining), so not sure if I'm doing bleeding, or maybe I'm not since my HCG isn't down to negative?
Debbie downer (a place to vent): Like a few have mentioned above, so many people (including celebs) are announcing their pregnancy and I'm trying really, really hard not to let it affect me.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? Pisces - pretty sure I was born in the wrong month
**losses and lo mentioned** 2012 - 3 IUI - all BFN 3/13 IVF #1 OHSS, 4 frozen 6/13 FET #1 2 transferred, BFN 8/13 FET #2 cancelled, thin lining 11/13 FET #2.2 cancelled, thin lining *new doctor* 3/14 IVF #2 3dt of 3 8-cell embryos BFP, all implanted, lost 2 babies, one baby born 11/14 2/16 FET #2.3 of 2 embryos, BFN IVF #3 4/16 early MC at 5 weeks TI with follistim 8/16 - CP IVF #4 Fall 2016
(((Hugs))) nuggetrn. I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself. I'm finding that while the shock and immediate pain fade, the actual healing is going to take some time. I'm 3 months from my D&C and there are days I still cry about it. It's ok to feel whatever you feel now. Sending you love and light.
jlincoln - did your doctor give you any guidelines for trying again? I've found that there's a wide range of recommendations - some docs say 2 or 3 cycles, some say you can start right away. Mine wanted my hcg > 5. FWIW, I got my period before my hcg reached that level. I think someone here said AF can return if your hcg is less than 20.
@ramamdiculous I'm sorry you and YH aren't on the same page. Hugs.
caer sorry you've been feeing anxious. I hope you find something that helps soon.
ladytiffany24 I hear you on feeing like everyone around you is pregnant. Both of my sisters are pregnant and I don't even like to go to family functions anymore
irish14 I'm so sorry. So many hugs being sent your way. Also, those cookies look delicious.
nuggetrn I'm sorry that you find yourself here. Big hugs.
How are you doing? Loss-wise pretty good. It's the end of the school year so life is a bit hectic but will all be calm again soon.
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC
Diagnosis (if applicable): Prior PMP, higher chance of recurrence
Updates/questions: Nothing this week
Debbie downer (a place to vent): Did I ever share that I had a 7 year old recently say to me "are you sad?" while I was helping her. I said "no, why would I be sad?" and she said "because of your baby..." I was kind of shocked she brought this up out of nowhere (it's been over a year since the loss) - we weren't talking about babies, kids or anything so it must have just popped into her mind somehow. I said something like "well, that does makes me sad sometimes. But I'm not sad all of the time. We can feel a lot of emotions and that's okay. Sometimes I'm sad, and that's okay. It's okay to be sad. But right now I'm happy because I'm working with you! And I'm excited because I get to see how your project looks at the end of class". She ended up smiling with those last 2 comments -- Overall I feel pretty good about how the conversation went. Maybe it's good for her to learn that bad things can happen and we can persevere, even though those things still can make us feel sad, we can be happy too.
irish14 I hope you are OK today(as OK as you can be). I know for me the build up and waiting for the D&C was so bad that I was relieved in a way after it happened. It was like I could finally start the healing process. Thinking of you this morning.
nuggetrn I'm so sorry. I hope that wandering into this group will help. Just know that what you are feeling is normal. I totally understand the difficulty with pretending you are OK. My co-workers are always so surprised when I finally break down or mention something about how hard things have been for me. I've done such a good job of pretending I was ok that nobody knew that inside I felt like the world was crumbling down around me. I will say that I'm now 5 months out from the last loss and life doesn't feel so totally overwhelming anymore. Big hugs lady.
jlincoln with all of my losses I was instructed to wait one cycle. So after I stopped bleeding from the loss I waited until I got my next period, then we could start trying again. This last one was different but only because we suspected it was partial molar.
mosdub good job with that little girl. It's amazing the things kids can come up with and the way you react is so important. You handled it great!
Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):TTA until my doctors appointment 6/20 Hopefully starting some testing
Diagnosis (if applicable): 1 NMC 11/15 1 CP 5/16.
Updates/questions: I'm starting to wonder if I brought this on myself because I used to smoke for years and experimented with drugs as a teenager and now I drink to much. I started the whole30 Yesterday. I just want to have more control over my health and what goes into my body. I stated TTC in August 15 so 10 months, that makes me sad. But I know it's not anything in comparison.
Debbie downer (a place to vent):
I sort of dread seeing my grandpa. He lives 4 hours away He came to my wedding in October 15 and in January I realized it been to long since we talked so I called him. He was busy so he said I gotta go but I need to know am I going to be a great grandfather ? (He is not yet) I was just finishing my miscarriage and all I could think of was,no maybe soon? I just saw him again for my sisters graduation and again asking for an update. I told him that my cousin who just got engaged would have a baby before us. I didn't know what else to say. He shrugged I got"well she is ready to start having kids right away" which sucks to hear because I am too. And I got "I well I hope you have a kid before I'm dead" he is 90, and says stuff like that all the time. But I actually wonder if I will have a kid in his life time.
I called my old boss. Found out we both had a loss the same week. But it's her 4th in a row and she didn't know she was pregnant since she gave up on trying after the third one a few years ago. I feel so awful for her. And am afraid this will be me. Which is selfish but it's a very real fear.
Two days ago I was working and looking for a teacher to ask a question. Other people were in her room and so wanted to wait for her to return. But one women started talking about her pregnancy and I had to leave. I started crying at work. I didn't expect that. I mean I cry all the time but I have a pregnant friend that doesn't make me cry so I don't know why she did.
QOTW: Whats your zodiac sign? Taurus all the way
So, so, so many hugs. Please, as much as you can, try not to blame yourself for your past behaviour. You are taking control of your life now and you are a wonderful, amazing mom. We all have things we may regret in our pasts, but working for a better you in the present is definitely the more important factor to consider. *squeeze*
Updates/questions: Due to travel, we did not get the best timing this cycle. Not that great timing made much of a difference before, but it's still frustrating.
Debbie downer (a place to vent): My life is so freaking chaotic right now, and I keep thinking that is the reason I have not been able to get pregnant again. I have to be out of my apartment within a month and I can't find an affordable short-term place. I can't sign a one-year lease because I'm job hunting all over the place. It looks like the short sale house we have been trying to get is going to fall through. I honestly have no idea where I'm going to be living or working. If I find a job far away, MH will have to job hunt and we may have to live apart.
In the past two years we've moved to a new state and we've moved apartments twice. I left my job in Boston to focus on grad school, which I am now finishing. We put two offers in on houses, and one was accepted but now it's not looking so good many months later. We've both had finalist job interviews that would disrupt our living situation. I am so so so sick of the stress and instability. I am certain my uterus is picking up on it. Yes, I know people get pregnant in all kinds of stressful situations, but I feel like for my body, I need to feel settled down. And that settled down thing is so far out of reach.
Post by notagoddess on Jun 8, 2016 10:42:27 GMT -5
Great big hugs, @samrs22. Your grandfather's comments are really not helpful and I am sorry you are dealing with that while going through another loss. I hope the new diet will give you a sense of being proactive about the TTC process. But it is so hard, not matter what you do.
mosdub, your response to your student was beautiful.
jlincoln, I'm so sorry you have been through so much in terms of IF treatments, only to have a loss. I hope the physical process of loss isn't drawn out. I do know some people ovulate with levels of HCG that are considered positive. When are you meeting with your doctor again?
nuggetrn, I also knew things were not going to end well after I started bleeding, even though the ultrasound was fine. It was a very strong sense that the writing is on the wall, as you said. I'm sorry you're struggling. The few months after my loss were worse than the month right after, for the reasons you said. It did start getting better with time about 3-4 months after.
kayladawn91, it sucks to be at this point. I hope you are surprised this cycle, but I understand not getting your hopes up anymore this far out.
irish14, I am so sorry for your loss. I hate that you are going through this. It is devastating.
ladytiffany24, I hope you don't need the RE appointment. It's hard having to think about next steps.
caer, I'm sorry about your anxiety. I'm in the same place. Are you seeing a therapist or getting medication, along with the meditation? I know all too well how out of control it can get. Hugs.
Rama, why do you think you are out? I know most treatment doesn't have the best chance of working, but could it be a self-preservation thing? I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and can't afford more treatment soon, that is a horrible place to be. Sending you good thoughts.
doodler, your Debbie Downer is such a common experience after loss. It's a natural reaction so try not to feel so guilty. I have my fingers crossed for you this cycle.
jlincoln - did your doctor give you any guidelines for trying again? I've found that there's a wide range of recommendations - some docs say 2 or 3 cycles, some say you can start right away. Mine wanted my hcg > 5. FWIW, I got my period before my hcg reached that level. I think someone here said AF can return if your hcg is less than 20.
Sending you many (((hugs)))
My doctor didn't give us any quidelines, but did say we may try an IUI/TI with meds the cycle after I get AF. He doesn't want to check HCG again until I get AF. I didn't think about getting my period before HCG drops to below 5. That's interesting. Thanks for answering!
**losses and lo mentioned** 2012 - 3 IUI - all BFN 3/13 IVF #1 OHSS, 4 frozen 6/13 FET #1 2 transferred, BFN 8/13 FET #2 cancelled, thin lining 11/13 FET #2.2 cancelled, thin lining *new doctor* 3/14 IVF #2 3dt of 3 8-cell embryos BFP, all implanted, lost 2 babies, one baby born 11/14 2/16 FET #2.3 of 2 embryos, BFN IVF #3 4/16 early MC at 5 weeks TI with follistim 8/16 - CP IVF #4 Fall 2016
mosdub - loved your response to your student. You said it perfectly.
@samrs22 - hugs to you. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's comments. That would be hard to hear.
notagoddess - I'm sorry about your stressful situation!! I hope everything moves into place soon, so this stressful time will be over and your uterus can be happy again.
**losses and lo mentioned** 2012 - 3 IUI - all BFN 3/13 IVF #1 OHSS, 4 frozen 6/13 FET #1 2 transferred, BFN 8/13 FET #2 cancelled, thin lining 11/13 FET #2.2 cancelled, thin lining *new doctor* 3/14 IVF #2 3dt of 3 8-cell embryos BFP, all implanted, lost 2 babies, one baby born 11/14 2/16 FET #2.3 of 2 embryos, BFN IVF #3 4/16 early MC at 5 weeks TI with follistim 8/16 - CP IVF #4 Fall 2016
I'm glad you're doing good right now mosdub. Your story was very sweet. ❤️
Many hugs @samrs22. I second everything Rama said. Please don't blame yourself.
I'm so sorry things have been and continued to be so unsettled notagoddess. I really hope things come together soon. I know it's so hard to live in such a chaotic state. (((Hugs)))
notagoddess: Re: counseling/meds. I was on Zoloft a couple of years ago but weaned for TTC. I could go back on it I guess but I have a lot of complicated feels about it. When I used it before, I had more generalized anxiety related to PPD. This time, my anxiety feels so situational - I feel like if I could just get pregnant and have a normal pregnancy, I'd be ok. So I feel like if I go back on them, I've admitted that that's not going to happen anytime soon and that I've failed in some way. That's absolutely ridiculous and I'm a huge proponent of taking meds when needed but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have been looking into counseling and there are a few therapists who specialize in loss/IF in my area. If I can work out scheduling, I will do it.
Post by notagoddess on Jun 8, 2016 15:52:58 GMT -5
caer, I hope the scheduling works out and you can see someone. I understand and relate to your complicated feelings about meds. I weaned to a low dose of an antidepressant before I got pregnant, but some time after the loss, things got bad. I had to raise the dose and I'm also taking clonazepam for the worst of the anxiety. I'm not thrilled to be on those meds while TTC, but I honestly don't think I could function without them for this long.
I hope one way or another, things get better for you. Hang in there.
Thanks notagoddess. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and wish this wasn't so hard for you too. I think it's something I will talk abut with my RE at my next appointment.
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