TTCAL 6/7

[mosdub]

doodler I never used to get affected by pregnancy announcements but it's starting to affect me. (effect?)

Rama, I'm sorry you're feeling out but it's still early! I'm holding onto hope.

caer I'm so sorry about the anxiety I've been having waves of anxiety ever since the loss. Sometimes it can feel so overwhelming. If you ever want to chat you can PM me I hope you find some methods that work in bringing it under control. I took yoga for a while and found some of the breathing techniques helpful. I had an instructor once say "try to clear your mind. If you remember something you were supposed to do, or what you need to do next, or something that happened today just acknowledge it and then let it pass through". For some reason that helped me. The "acknowledge" part was essential because I would do the same thing of trying to clear my head and then have a quick thought of "did I unplug the iron?! Is the house burning down right now?!" and I used to get frustrated with myself. Now I just acknowledge it and let it go.
TL;DR - brains are sons of bishes.

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ladytiffany24 I'm approaching the "12 month mark" soon too. I'm counting the months we tried prior to our loss as well, so maybe the clock "resets" after the loss. I don't know - I decided I'd call for a check-up and consultation with my OB once we hit 12 months (hopefully we don't though)

irish14 I'm so sorry. I'm sending you so many hugs and love. Please take it easy and take care of yourself. I don't believe you brought this on yourself, sometimes these things just happen.

nuggetrn Sending you all the love. I think when I was confronted with my loss I had the same "this is happening, let's figure it out" attitude. I think being in your profession that's partly just the way you're wired - deal with the crisis in a calm and collected manner. But you can let yourself feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it now. It's okay to be sad even if it's months/years later - don't let anyone tell you that "enough time has passed". I've told my H that "I'm just having a case of the sads today" which kind of sounds like belittling it now that I type it out, but it was the only way I could communicate what I was feeling without breaking down. If you need to take a personal day, and if you CAN take a personal day, do it. I'm so sorry. I wish I could come give you a hug.

jlincoln I'm so sorry. I know how the hCG drop frustration can be. Hope your levels are negative before long and you can move forward. In my experience (and due to my personal situation I've done a LOT of reading on hCG) your cycles generally return to "normal" when hCG is below 100. But, everyone is different and there isn't an exact science to it.

@samrs22 the grief can strike at seemingly random times. There have definitely been times where I thought I should have cried (like when students bring up my loss over a year later) and I'm totally fine, but something else might set me off. I'm sorry about your gpa. I'm sure he means well, but it still sucks to hear. I'm glad you're trying to get a handle on your body. I've been feeling like maybe I drink too much too, and I've been at least trying to cut down/back - even if it has nothing to do with fertility, it's good to do in general.

notagoddess I'm so sorry about the housing stress!!! Something will come together - I hope it comes together sooner rather than later. Crossing my fingers that things line up for you guys soon.

[caer]

Thank you mosdub! The program I've been doing does tell you to acknowledge whatever thought you're having and remember it will be there when you're done, which I thought was helpful. And I legit lol-ed at the meme! Yep, that's about right.

[nuggetrn]

doodler Big hugs coming your way. Yea, I think when I finally have a complete and total mental breakdown at work my coworkers are going to all have heart attacks. They know a lot about all of the crappy stuff we have been through this last year but nothing about our losses. It's getting harder and harder to come to work happy and bubbly and not let the bad things creep in.

Rama I am so sorry that you have lost hope for this cycle. I hope that you and your husband don't have to talk anymore about what you might have to do next and this cycle works. So many hugs!!

caer I hope that the meditation starts to help a little more as you get more into it.

ladytiffany24 Gathering information won't jinx you, promise! I am sorry it even has to feel that way I am sadly noticing all of the pregnant people around me as well. And the babies. Thankfully (??) the people who are most painful to me are the 2 people close to me who are due in the months I should be having babies, and my very close friend who had a baby last December. So not yet been affected by randoms being pregnant. If that makes any sense at all as a thing to be thankful for.

irish14 I am so so sorry to see you back here. So many huge ((hugs)). I hope that the genetic tests tell you something helpful. How long will it take to get results? Please please don't blame yourself for this. I know it is a hard thing to do but there is no sense in carrying around that guilt. 

jlincoln I am so sorry about your loss. Big hugs. I would definitely clarify with your OB about what the plan is for you guys next.

mosdub That is such a sweet story about the 7 year old!! You handled it beautifully I came home the day I posted all of that and sobbed to my husband. Which I haven't done and I never do. And was much needed. I told him the same thing, that I am just sad today. There's nothing I wanted him to do, I just wanted to be sad.

The weekend I was miscarrying I think in a grief induced stupor I gave my 30 day notice for my home care job. Which I needed to do anyway. I am finally done and getting some more time for myself which has been much needed. I was working 12 days on and 2 days off for the last 8 months so for the moment I have all weekends off and 2ish days off a week (sometimes I go in for a half day on one of my days off). And now I am looking for a full time job which is it's own little ball of crap... but I already feel super long winded so i will just leave it at that.

@samrs22 So so many huge hugs I want to give you!! I really hope that you are able to take some of this blame off of yourself. Nothing you did in your past is making this happen to you right now.  I am so sorry about you grandpa, that sounds like such a hard thing to deal with. Does he have any idea what you are dealing with? Are close enough that you can tell him what is going on... or maybe you just want to bluntly tell him what's going on. Anyway to make his comments stop really.

notagoddess That all just sounds like so incredibly much to deal with and being overwhelmed by it all is completely understandable. I hope that things all settle down for you sooner rather than later.

[irish14]

nuggetrn I actually forgot to ask how long the tests would take. I have a follow up appt in 2 weeks so I'll ask then if I haven't heard anything yet.

Thanks for the love, hugs to you too, lady.

[nuggetrn]

Jun 10, 2016 11:29:27 GMT -5 @samrs22 said:

nuggetrn I don't want to tell anyone. The reason my immediate family knows about my first loss is because I was so exited to be pregnant and it was the holidays. I made it really clear that I didn't want anyone to know. My second one I told my two sisters and plan to keep it that way. I guess I am ashamed, that's the only reason I am keeping it secret

This makes me so sad for you... You have no reason to be ashamed!! Has the family that does know been supportive of you? Or do their responses make you not want to share with others either?

[nuggetrn]

Jun 10, 2016 11:36:02 GMT -5 @samrs22 said:

Jun 10, 2016 11:32:40 GMT -5 nuggetrn said:

This makes me so sad for you... You have no reason to be ashamed!! Has the family that does know been supportive of you? Or do their responses make you not want to share with others either?

They are not bad people but they are not emotionally supportive in any department. I just get judged and don't need it

So many hugs coming your way. Ugh. I am glad you found TCF. Hopefully having like minded people to talk to is helpful for you.

[irish14]

Jun 10, 2016 13:54:47 GMT -5 @samrs22 said:

Jun 10, 2016 11:44:09 GMT -5 nuggetrn said:

So many hugs coming your way. Ugh. I am glad you found TCF. Hopefully having like minded people to talk to is helpful for you.

It really is helpful. Thank you

they should be ashamed for making you feel ashamed!!! For me it helped once I told one of my best friends and realized she would just give hugs, then sit and drink wine and watch bad tv with me if I didn't really want to talk about it... Totally understand if you don't want to tell people IRL though. I hope you find some creepy internet hugs here that help.

((Hugs))

[nuggetrn]

Jun 10, 2016 21:55:02 GMT -5 @samrs22 said:

Jun 10, 2016 18:22:17 GMT -5 irish14 said:

they should be ashamed for making you feel ashamed!!! For me it helped once I told one of my best friends and realized she would just give hugs, then sit and drink wine and watch bad tv with me if I didn't really want to talk about it... Totally understand if you don't want to tell people IRL though. I hope you find some creepy internet hugs here that help.

((Hugs))

I appreciate my creepy internet hugs. I have really good friends that support me. One friend who brought me here. My family are good for some things. When we moved to my house I had 7 cars and trucks at my apartment and moved in two trips. They have my back in so many ways. But My family isn't the type you can cry infront of or be emotional. Unless we are fighting. Being angry and happy are allowed. That's it.

I think unfortunately too that the reality is this isn't a subject most people talk about. Lots of people just have no idea how to react or be supportive in a situation like this.

Which completely and totally sucks and I wish it would change. Even people who mean well put their foot in their mouths when it comes to this stuff. And then there are the people who think they know things and give insensitive advice. None of this is easy unfortunately.

[caer]

I'm so very sorry for your loss eameselephant. My loss was at 8w3d and I chose a D&C. My personal reasoning was that I couldn't stand the thought of waiting for it to happen naturally and wanted the physical part over with as soon as possible. My situation was a little different in that the baby was measuring ahead, so I was worried about how long it would take for my body to catch on. But I think it's a really personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer. I'm so sorry this is a decision you have to make. Sending you the biggest (((hugs)))

[wannabmama]

I'm so sorry for your loss eameselephant enjoy your wine, cry, and just take care of yourself. I've had two early losses, neither required a D&C but MH and I had discussed that we would do it if it came to that. I think it really is something personal to each person. I also agree that many of our Hs, no matter how great they are and supportive, just don't feel these losses in the same way. It can be a very lonely sadness. I'm so glad I've had these women here with me to lean on on the days that I'm very sad. Lean on us if you need it. In the meantime, sending you hugs.

[irish14]

eameselephant I'm so sorry to see you here. Please be kind to yourself and lean on anyone who offers you support. Agree that drinking was weird for me, too.

I don't know if this will help your thought process as you decide which direction to go, but here's how my experience went. (Does this need a trigger? Details) Both my losses were at 7w. My first started with bleeding, so I let that go naturally. I passed everything within a few days, and the heavy bleeding lasted about a week. My second, just two weeks ago, was a missed, where I was measuring 1-2 weeks behind when they confirmed it. I gave it the weekend and when my body still didn't get the hint, I had a d&c. I really really didn't want to go in for a procedure initially, but the waiting around for things to happen was a lot more taxing on me emotionally than the natural mc, where at least things were happening and I wasn't in limbo thinking it could be weeks. The procedure was actually not bad. Physically, the IV was the worst part. I was crampy for the first couple of days afterward. It's been nearly a week and I'm still light spotting (doc said that could go 2 weeks), but most of the cramping is gone.

In retrospect, I probably wouldn't change anything about how I handled either one. I think the hardest difference with the missed was waiting to start bleeding, and though I would have liked to let my body do its own thing, it didn't get the hint after a week or two, and I just needed out of limbo for my mental health, and I don't think I could have handled it if I had waited, gone through it naturally, then needed a d&c anyway. Still struggling with it emotionally, but there is a finality to the d&c that I didn't feel with my natural.

[nuggetrn]

eameselephant I am so very sorry you find yourself here. Great big ((hugs))

I found out at 8 weeks there was no heartbeat, then diagnosed officially at just over 9 weeks with a blighted ovum. My body clearly had no idea there was no baby and my hcg was almost 100k. My OB said my body might not figure it out for weeks and I could wait it out safely and just let things happen if I wanted to. That sounded like the most terrible idea ever so I chose to go with cytotec. I was just under 10 weeks when everything passed. There were moments during where I questioned of that route was the best decision, and then the fear that I would have to have a d&c anyway if things didn't work. But honestly I would choose that route again if I found myself in the same situation. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[kayladawn91]

Hugs eameselephant, I'm so sorry for your loss. Here's my anecdote: I went at 8.5 weeks where we found a sac measuring about 7 weeks and no fetal pole or anything. So I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. I opted to wait for my body to miscarry naturally. My HCG continued to rise and it took about 8 weeks for my body to realize there was no baby which was a hard 8 weeks but I just didn't feel comfortable agreeing to a d&c. I don't have a real solid reason, I just felt better letting my body do its thing. I would probably make the same choice again, but everyone is different.