Mommy/Daddy Issues

[14joa31]

How would you characterize your relationship with your parents?

Do you want to have a similar relationship with your children? Or a completely different type of relationship?

What would be the ideal type of relationship for you to have with your children when they are adults?

The Oprah needs to know.

[NellieOleson]

My relationship with my parents is definitely a source of stress in my life.

I did not have any relationship with my dad - like no contact at all - for much of my childhood all the way through my 20s. We do keep in touch occasionally now, but he is quite the character and doesn't really feel like "dad" to me. He feels more like a wacky, stoner uncle or something.

I always thought my mom and I were close, but our relationship has grown more and more strained over the years - I think about the time I realized she is kind of crazy about some things. I love her so much, but I feel like I have zero patience with her most of the time. I'm trying to be better about that, and accept her for who she is, but it's difficult. She also isn't the type of parent to invite us over to hang out, or want to spend much time together. She will watch the girls for us once in awhile, she's happy to have us visit if I'm the one to initiate it, and we get together for holidays, but that's about it. Ultimately I know she's there for me no matter what, and I could talk to her about anything, but I wouldn't say we are close anymore at all.

I would like a completely different relationship with my kids.

I hope we can all feel comfortable together and enjoy each other's company. I hope I can stay close to my girls as they grow up and become adults. I'm sure I will drive them crazy in some ways, but I hope it's fairly mellow! I think 14joa31 once mentioned something about having beers and game nights with your kids when they are grown... That sounds kind of perfect. I guess overall I hope we hang out because we think it's fun, not purely out of a sense of family obligation.

[14joa31]

My Mom has clinical depression, and she did not manage it well when I was growing up. She was flat-out fruit-loopy. She once threatened to commit suicide if we went on a family vacation without her - so I told my dad and sister to go and I stayed home with my Mom. I was in high school at the time. That is just one anecdote of many.

Now my Mom is old and mellowed out and on lots of medication. I try to love her as much as I can, but the damage has been done. I really prefer the company of my Dad, who is just sweet and silly and generally kept the whole family together during the crazy years. Yes, my parents are still together. I would have divorced my Mom a long, long time ago - but my Dad is a devout Catholic (as am I) and wouldn't even consider it.

So when I meet people who have a close relationship to their mothers, I feel like I am observing an alien species. I have no idea how my relationship with my kids will pan out. I hope that they know that I love them unconditionally, that I always will - and that they can talk to me about anything. And yes, I would like to do board game nights and just generally have good time with my adult children. I would actually like to be great friends with them. We shall see what time brings!

[sjames2015]

Pre kids my relationship with my parents was pretty good. I talked to my mom everyday and we had dinner and drinks almost every Friday night. They were rude sometimes and have always been the first to blame DH for anything. Short story my parents loved my ex and his family so much that during a fight that DH and I had (not married or engaged of course) they were going to buy me a plane ticket to see my ex.
Post kids. They are crap. I see them 1-3 times a month and that's usually me taking the kids to see them or going out to eat (us paying) I've complained before about them. They say they will come over and come up with so many reasons why they can't. They post on Fb about how much they love their grandkids. But if we are in public or with extended family then they act like they are the perfect grandparents and are there for everything. DD1 loves them so much but is starting to realize that she doesn't get to see them as often. DD2 isn't old enough but won't let my parents hold her.
I will say that our relationship is better than my mom is with her parents. She was an accident and they have always treated her like that.
I would want a better relationship with my kids. I think good relationships start early on with trust. Board game and drink night sound awesome!

[14joa31]

Jun 10, 2016 11:01:28 GMT -5 sjames2015 said:

Pre kids my relationship with my parents was pretty good. I talked to my mom everyday and we had dinner and drinks almost every Friday night. They were rude sometimes and have always been the first to blame DH for anything. Short story my parents loved my ex and his family so much that during a fight that DH and I had (not married or engaged of course) they were going to buy me a plane ticket to see my ex.
Post kids. They are crap. I see them 1-3 times a month and that's usually me taking the kids to see them or going out to eat (us paying) I've complained before about them. They say they will come over and come up with so many reasons why they can't. They post on Fb about how much they love their grandkids. But if we are in public or with extended family then they act like they are the perfect grandparents and are there for everything. DD1 loves them so much but is starting to realize that she doesn't get to see them as often. DD2 isn't old enough but won't let my parents hold her.
I will say that our relationship is better than my mom is with her parents. She was an accident and they have always treated her like that.
I would want a better relationship with my kids. I think good relationships start early on with trust. Board game and drink night sound awesome!

sjames2015 - I hate to say it but it seems like your parents are letting their dislike of your DH ruin their relationship with both you and with their grandchildren. I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you

[valie]

My relationship with my parents was pretty tricky growing up. I was the oldest of three and my youngest sibling has Down syndrome, and my Mom had pretty major ongoing issues with Chron's. I didn't get a lot of attention in the time I remember. I was the only child who was spanked. My Mom was on medication that gave her roid rage from 12-14 and I was her outlet. They never apologized or would admit to being wrong. I was punished for sharing opinions that upset them. They had a really hard time with my sexuality (bras, skinny jeans, dating, kissing, etc...). They stopped hugging me, saying they loved me when they found out I'd had sex (and responded much differently with my sister.) I had a clinical depression diagnosis about a year later. A few months after that I left for university. So apparently I decided to share my life story...
Anyway, things are a lot better now. My Mom is probably my greatest supporter. They are much better parents to me as an adult than as a child. And they are amazing grands. I will be watching them like (my parents) a hawk when the littles hit puberty because there is no way they are pulling the same shit on my kids.

I'm planning to have a completely different relationship with my kids. For starters, no one will be spanked. I'm working to develop body positivity. I will not punish them for thinking differently than I do and I do apologize when I mess up.

I hope when my littles are grown they look forward to my calls and visits. I want to be a support for them and for them to be confident that our relationships are loving and stable.

[crimsonandclover]

My parents were amazing. They supported me, punished me when I deserved it, trusted me to make good decisions (even though I didn't all the time...), and were there for me. As an adult they gave me lots of support (mostly emotional but in the early stages financial, as well), and especially my dad adored my kids. His death 2 years ago hit me pretty hard. Since then, I have come to realize that while my mom definitely loves me/us and I love her, dad was usually my go-to parent. Maybe it was because he was the one who always did my horse-riding stuff with me (every day year round), maybe it was because he was the one who always stayed home with us when we were sick (he had way more vacation time than my mom), maybe it was because my mom was in charge of getting us up and ready in the morning while Dad was there for us when we got off the bus and gave us our afternoon snack and played (I think Mom got the raw end of that deal!!). For whatever reason, though, I recently had the revelation that while my mom loved/loves her kids, we were my dad's life.
Anyway, as I blink back the tears, I had / have a great relationship with both of my parents. While we were visiting 1.5 years ago, my mom, my brother, my SIL, her brother, and I played Cards against Humanity (with wine and beer). My dad would not have gone for that, but it was a lot of fun with my mom. When dad was alive we also played board games, but cleaner ones. And we usually had a glass of wine with it. Geez do I miss him.

I hope that my relationship with my girls is just like mine with my parents, except I don't want them to move a continent away...

[kcrkcs]

My mom and I are very close. Probably more the past 12ish years than when I was a kid. She is amazing in so many ways (a little kooky but amazing!)
My dad was always the fun time guy. I got to do so many things with him as a kid. Looking back he was just using me to get to do those things himself. But I can't complain. I loved every minute. My dad has serious problems connecting emotionally due to a kind of messed up childhood. My sister and I definitely inherited some of that. Lucky my mom is the opposite and balanced us out. After a messy divorce, he didn't have much to do with my sister or I. His new wife sucked. I still remember seeing them out skiing with her kids. One was up on his shoulders and they skied right past me with no acknowledgment. I would like to credit him with at least not recognizing me...
Anyway we do better now. He recognizes he was douchey. The woman he married and he got off the drugs and alcohol (she also was the one that passed away last fall) and tried to have my sister and I be part of their lives.
I hope that I can give my kid all the fun experiences I had with my dad, the love and emotional support my mom gives me and the grounded advice and real world kick in the pants neither of them did, but should have given me.

[sjames2015]

14joa31 I don't think they dislike him. And it's so weird that pre kids we all had fun but post kids their lives are too busy for us.

[silverspoon]

My mom and I are close. We're not a very lovey family (that's the best word I can think of to describe it). We don't say "I love you" and I honestly couldn't tell you the last time we hugged. We talk every other day and she adores munchkin. I'm so grateful to have somewhere I can drop him off to if I just need a break. We have a much better adult relationship than when I was younger and lived at home. My mom is not easy to live with.

My stepdad is just an all around great guy. He's been around for 20 years and while I don't call him "dad" he absolutely he is one.

My bio dad is a non factor in my life. Every couple of years he feels sorry for himself and calls (usually drunk) and tells me how much he loves me and a long spiel on basically why he thinks the world is against him. My parents split when I was a baby and he's never really been in my life. He has a lot of kids, some I've never met, in more than one country. He's abandoned all of them.



ETA I hope that there can be more affection than I had growing up. I don't wish it was different for myself, but I'd like different for J if that makes sense. hope that I can be as involved of a parent as they were and as I watched them be with my brother (he's 12 years younger than me).

A monkey could do better than bio dad so I'm good there.

[gizmo]

I can barely speak to my mom. It is constant drama. She called last week, didn't like my attitude when I answered, (?), and immediately started crying. Ugh.

I am closer to my dad, but our relationship is strained due to my relationship with my mom. He knows why my brother and I feel the way we do, so he understands. Calling him usually results in talking to her, and I'm ashamed of admit that I call him less than I should because of that.

[chimomma19]

Can I have my therapist answer this question? Lol

[14joa31]

crimsonandclover and kelltothekell - can I just say that I'm relieved to know two people who have great parents? Having two great parents seems to be the exception rather than the rule. And crimsonandclover - I am so sorry to hear about losing your Dad - T&Ps

sjames2015 - then I am mystified as to why your parents got weird after you had kids!