On Friendship

[roseinbloom]

Every single one of us is making a daily effort to find and bring balance to our lives. Parenting, maintaining marriages/relationships, general adulting, maintaining health, pursuing interests and hobbies, etc. In this quest for balance, a number of us have mentioned how our friendships have been changing and often suffer as a result of new and overwhelming demands on our time and sanity.

Here's a place to vent, muse, celebrate, or brainstorm ideas to maintain, repair, and strengthen the family we choose for ourselves.

"Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow."

[katespade]

I think one thing that's helping me is treasuring the friendships I DO have.

One friend, we've grown closer over the past year. She and her H had their baby a few weeks before J was born, and we joke that they are boyfriend/girlfriend. It's so nice to have someone close by going through the same thing, and we've met up a few times.

I mentioned in the regrets thread that my "BFF" has ditched me. I have another friend- the three of us were a little band in college- and we've gotten closer in the past year. She's been so supportive and awesome and genuinely seems to want to know about j even though she has no interest in children and years ago told me she hates when people talk about their kids.

I only have so much time in my life now to worry about people other than J and my H. So I'm trying to focus on devoting that energy on good people rather than being sad about the ones who have dropped me.

[roseinbloom]

Thanks for participating, katespade. I love especially what you wrote about your friend who is making an effort despite not having a real interest in talking about kids.

I had meant to ask a question to get conversation going, but we had a really rough night and morning here. So now...

Since you brought up holding on to the good folks, I wonder if anyone wants to share a kind or unexpected way that their friends (or cousins, aunts, uncles, whomever falls into that category of friendship without obligation to you) have reached out during either this pregnancy or early birth?

ETA: Not that the only friends worth having are the ones who do things for you surrounding pregnancy/newborns. That wasn't what I meant.

But in what ways have you allowed others to feel good about helping you, and/or what kindnesses have surprised and touched you?

[katespade]

For me, a kind thing my newer friend did was she made us two freezer meals. They came by the day after we came home from the hospital and brought it. She did that for us even though she was caring for a 6 week old and healing from birth herself. It meant a lot to me.

[katespade]

Also, I told my friend who doesn't want kids how much it means to me that she asks about J, and listens to me tell her weird things (i.e.: like when I told her about the "baby period" J had) and she told me that she is just so happy to be an aunt.

The other thing that is nice is just when people sort of check in. A quick text or email asking how we are doing is awesome.

[roseinbloom]

For my part, I am very appreciative of the people who have continued to keep in touch with me and who haven't become disillusioned with my spacey responses or my silence while I deal with things.

One friend in particular has been sending me "mom texts" where the "rules" are that I don't have to respond. She'll say cheesy but adorable things like, "Kiss that cute baby for me!" And, "Let your smile shine like the sun!" She doesn't have kids. She just got the idea from the radio and wanted to put it to action. It's a little gesture with a huge impact on me (especially during the months we were told to isolate ourselves) and I'll remember it and be grateful forever.

[arbe]

I'm gonna be the downer... maybe its because she's my 3rd but very few people came by or checked in. Hell my in laws haven't even made an effort to meet her. Doesn't bother me just realized it, we don't have many close friends. The people we'e met sine moving here (4 years ago) are nice but they're not really friends. Like I wouldn't just call or text to just say hey or meet up for dinner/drinks. And since we met through our kids and wanted new friends we really tried but have nothing in common and we're significantly younger.

MY HS bestie live far away and we talk every few weeks but we have little in common now. She's a SAHM and I work, we have very different parenting styles and well I knew her H in HS too, never saw eye to eye with him esp after all their on again off again.

[jewel441]

I never really had a lot of friends. Just a few close friends... I have my childhood best friend, who is really more like family. She is a few years older than me, we have been like sisters our whole lives (I mean that in the good and bad way, love like sisters, fight like sisters, etc). We were preg at the same time and don't live near each other so we haven't seen each other a lot, just while we were both home for holidays but she is coming to the beach with her 2 kids (2.5 and 2 months) after the 4th of July. We text and talk.

I have 4 other "close friends" two from childhood /HS and 2 from college. I text/talk to them all occasionally and they are all sweet and I love them so but none of kids and none live near me. I made friends while we were in Boston, all of whom I grew apart with during internship (when we were away and I was pregnant) when I got back I mostly hung out with this other spouse from my H's program who has a baby too. We got mom close and she was awesome but idk if we will stay close or not. Now we are moving again and I will have to make new friends again. It's much easier with a baby though... At least I have found.

My mom told me something while I was in college in reference to drifting from old HS friends. She said you have a few life long friends and that is one type of relationship but other than that friends have to be convenient. And that's really how I feel. I have kept a friend or 2 from each phase of my life but other than that friendship should be convenient. So when we get to Texas I will go to moms groups and such and try and make friends that are close by and in the same stage of life as us.

[chatterbox]

I have a few close friends. The friends without kids work long hours but I usually see them every couple weeks or so. My best friend is a SAHM but moved over an hour away after she had her first so I don't see her very often. We try to talk on the phone but that's hard with kids.
I definitely felt disappointed after having my first that certain people who I thought would be more involved were not. I always went out of my way and traveled to see people who had small kids but it wasn't really reciprocated with certain friends and family members and it has definitely changed the way I approach my relationships with them.

[rachelilly23]

My sister and I are 4.5 years apart. When I was in high school and she was in college, our relationship was strained. We were just in different parts of our lives. But as we grew older, we became more friends. She had her kids, a girl and a boy, before I had kids, so I was an aunt first. Then I had my 2 boys. Once I got pregnant with my 3rd, I felt like she became more distant. When I found out it was a girl, it was even worse. I got the sense she was jealous because I finally got the one thing she had that I didn't have before. I only think this because she hinted several times that she thought I was having a third boy, and it was almost like she was rubbing it in and that I didn't deserve to have a daughter. Weird, maybe, but it's how she made me feel. Fast forward to K being born. My sister made no effort to come visit. We live in GA and she is in PA, but she went to Disney in April to run a half marathon but couldn't come see her niece. Fast forward to last week. Her family, my family, and my parents were supposed to spend a week in the mountains together. This had been planned for over 6 months. She and my BIL "had to work", so we were stuck with her obnoxious, spoiled kids for a week. Master plan for free childcare and food for them I guess? All I can say after all that is that I won't be making much of an effort to have a relationship with her anymore.

[chatterbox]

Jun 21, 2016 20:49:36 GMT -5 rachelilly23 said:

My sister and I are 4.5 years apart. When I was in high school and she was in college, our relationship was strained. We were just in different parts of our lives. But as we grew older, we became more friends. She had her kids, a girl and a boy, before I had kids, so I was an aunt first. Then I had my 2 boys. Once I got pregnant with my 3rd, I felt like she became more distant. When I found out it was a girl, it was even worse. I got the sense she was jealous because I finally got the one thing she had that I didn't have before. I only think this because she hinted several times that she thought I was having a third boy, and it was almost like she was rubbing it in and that I didn't deserve to have a daughter. Weird, maybe, but it's how she made me feel. Fast forward to K being born. My sister made no effort to come visit. We live in GA and she is in PA, but she went to Disney in April to run a half marathon but couldn't come see her niece. Fast forward to last week. Her family, my family, and my parents were supposed to spend a week in the mountains together. This had been planned for over 6 months. She and my BIL "had to work", so we were stuck with her obnoxious, spoiled kids for a week. Master plan for free childcare and food for them I guess? All I can say after all that is that I won't be making much of an effort to have a relationship with her anymore.

She sounds like my SIL, except she doesn't have kids yet. She cried when we told her we were pregnant with #1 then planned her wedding to happen on my due date. We decided to let mil tell her about #2 because we didn't want to deal with her drama. MIL said she was very upset when she found out we were having a boy because she wanted to have the first boy but that she's "okay with it now." At this point she barely acknowledges that my kids exist. Everything must be all about her ALL THE TIME!

[rachelilly23]

Jun 22, 2016 17:24:30 GMT -5 chatterbox said:

Jun 21, 2016 20:49:36 GMT -5 rachelilly23 said:

My sister and I are 4.5 years apart. When I was in high school and she was in college, our relationship was strained. We were just in different parts of our lives. But as we grew older, we became more friends. She had her kids, a girl and a boy, before I had kids, so I was an aunt first. Then I had my 2 boys. Once I got pregnant with my 3rd, I felt like she became more distant. When I found out it was a girl, it was even worse. I got the sense she was jealous because I finally got the one thing she had that I didn't have before. I only think this because she hinted several times that she thought I was having a third boy, and it was almost like she was rubbing it in and that I didn't deserve to have a daughter. Weird, maybe, but it's how she made me feel. Fast forward to K being born. My sister made no effort to come visit. We live in GA and she is in PA, but she went to Disney in April to run a half marathon but couldn't come see her niece. Fast forward to last week. Her family, my family, and my parents were supposed to spend a week in the mountains together. This had been planned for over 6 months. She and my BIL "had to work", so we were stuck with her obnoxious, spoiled kids for a week. Master plan for free childcare and food for them I guess? All I can say after all that is that I won't be making much of an effort to have a relationship with her anymore.

She sounds like my SIL, except she doesn't have kids yet. She cried when we told her we were pregnant with #1 then planned her wedding to happen on my due date. We decided to let mil tell her about #2 because we didn't want to deal with her drama. MIL said she was very upset when she found out we were having a boy because she wanted to have the first boy but that she's "okay with it now." At this point she barely acknowledges that my kids exist. Everything must be all about her ALL THE TIME!

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my sister wanted the only granddaughter. And her daughter is spoiled as shit.

That's so lame about your SIL. But I obviously sympathize. Sorry you have someone in your life like that too.

[chatterbox]

Jun 22, 2016 17:33:19 GMT -5 rachelilly23 said:

Jun 22, 2016 17:24:30 GMT -5 chatterbox said:

She sounds like my SIL, except she doesn't have kids yet. She cried when we told her we were pregnant with #1 then planned her wedding to happen on my due date. We decided to let mil tell her about #2 because we didn't want to deal with her drama. MIL said she was very upset when she found out we were having a boy because she wanted to have the first boy but that she's "okay with it now." At this point she barely acknowledges that my kids exist. Everything must be all about her ALL THE TIME!

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my sister wanted the only granddaughter. And her daughter is spoiled as shit.

That's so lame about your SIL. But I obviously sympathize. Sorry you have someone in your life like that too.

I always wanted a sister and we have similar interests so I was hoping we'd be close but the more I got to know her, the more a realized that will never happen. Oh, well. It must hurt though when it's your actual sister acting that way.