TTCAL Check-In (6/21)

[caer]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: What were you like in high school?

[caer]

Quiet in here today. I hope that means people are doing ok!

How are you doing? Not awesome

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): MMC, Unexplained Infertility

Updates/questions: nearing the end of the TWW with BFNs. Moving onto medicated cycles when AF arrives.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): the last three days were really hard. Father's Day was announcement-tastic. Then BFNs the last few days. I'm only on my 2nd AL cycle but now almost 16 months into this mess and I'm starting to wonder if we'll ever get a rainbow. I know we have lots of options ahead of us, I just don't know how far we'll go.

QOTW: What were you like in high school?
I was quiet. And a horse nerd, if that's a thing. I was really into riding and spent every second outside school at the barn, so I did zero extracurricular activities. I kind of regret not having a more well-rounded high school experience!

[kayladawn91]

Hugs caer!

[kayladawn91]

I was going to start this earlier but work got in the way.

How are you doing? Alright

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, C12/M16 AL, currently 7dpo

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A, slowly going through some IF testing with OB

Updates/questions: Nothing new since this cycle has been forever long. If this cycle doesn't work I'll probably get AF this weekend and I'll call to schedule an SHG for Cd8-9.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I've never felt more hopeless about TTC. A baby just seems like something so far out of reach. I don't even expect it to happen. It's been almost 23 months since we first started trying. It just seems like a distant dream that we'll never reach. I don't like feeling this way. It's so hard to watch everyone else in my life lap me and make these happy memories with their children. I'm sitting there just wishing I had an ounce of that hope and happiness back that I had almost 2 years ago.

QOTW: I was really focused on school and didn't have a lot of friends. I dated an asshole who was emotionally and verbally abusive. I wouldn't want to go back for sure. It's ironic that I picked being a high school teacher as a career.

[caer]

I'm so sorry kayladawn91. I can certainly understand how this process can leave you feeling so helpless and hopeless. It sucks. Sending love and light.

[wannabmama]

caer I like the term horse nerd, ha! Sorry you've had a rough few days!
kayladawn91 I'm right there with you feeling like its never gonna happen (and almost exactly same amount of time trying :/ ) here's hoping we are both closer than we think!
How are you doing? Ok
Status: TTC
Diagnosis: just old with old eggs and some MFI
Updates/questions: decided to wait a month to do IVF. I hope it's an ok choice.
Debbie downer: I'm scared to do IVF again bc if it doesn't work I don't know what we'll do.
QOTW: I was a nerdy party girl...I hosted parties, went to the parties, had jobs to pay for my horse and car, and then was in the statewide science fair. I moved before my freshman year and the before my junior year, so it was a lot of adaptation. I have almost no friends from HS still but I mostly really enjoyed it.

[caer]

I'm sorry you're nervous about trying IVF again wannabmama. I hate that this has been such a hard road for you. I'm rooting for you so much.

[kayladawn91]

Hugs wannabmama, I'm sorry you're nervous about trying IVF again. FX for you always!

Hugs @samrs22. I'm sorry about the conversation with YH. I've said so many things out of anger and hurt before. I hope he realizes that's all it was.

[irish14]

Hugs kayladawn91 and caer, I hope you can find some hope in all this crap.

wannabmama good luck with the month of waiting! I'm so impatient with waiting!!

@samrs22, sending love, I hope your doc is right. Mine said a similar thing, that it was just bad luck likely - but she's also doing some basic testing after 2 in a row, so if you really want some data to work with, maybe consider a second opinion from another OB? I know most go 3 but I got one that only goes 2. She said its specifically because she doesn't want to put someone through 3 losses.

How are you doing? Ok

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): benched

Diagnosis (if applicable): nmc, mmc, otherwise nada

Updates/questions: had my d&c f/up. Surprisingly, doc is doing some basic testing, just thyroid and a loss panel. She said the dye test to check the uterus would be after that. We could possibly do DH and my chromosomes. If all is normal, it's probably just bad luck, and we'll be good to try again. I was sure she'd wait another try but I'm glad we can hopefully rule some things out.

I posted about this already elsewhere so I won't rehash everything. Works out that doc wants us to wait for testing, bc I feel like I need a break for at least a month, maybe a couple. I'm thinking we may just take most of the summer off, enjoy it, then revisit. Idk. I might get impatient in a cycle or two, but I'm actually sort of looking forward to a bit of a break. Mood could change tomorrow, but I'll take it for today.

I keep thinking about wanting to do something to remember my lost little ones. Like get a piece of jewelry or something so I can feel like I'm remembering them. Idk, I can't decide what I would want to do but feel like I should do something.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): eh. Just sucks to be in this position, but trying to manage it as best we can.

QOTW: What were you like in high school? I was a little shy except on stage. I was really into music and the arts - theatre, choir, orchestra, dance. I miss it sometimes, though I wouldn't do high school again just because I worried so much about typical high school things that in hindsight really weren't a big deal. I had a pretty good run though - definitely found my niche in the arts community.

[caer]

I'm glad your doctor is going forward with some testing irish14.
I hope it provides you with answers or reassurance. I think doing something to honor losses is a lovely idea. I've heard of people doing birthstones or charms. Sending (((hugs)))

[kayladawn91]

irish14 I think getting a piece of jewelry is a beautiful idea. MH got me an angel wing charm for my Pandora bracelet for Christmas this past year. I love it. And everyone always compliments me on how beautiful it is, even though they have no idea what it represents to me. I also have an ornament on my Christmas tree and I love that our angel baby is represented there as well. I hope you find something to do/get in remembrance of your angels that will be beautiful for you.

[icedtea]

irish14, Whatever you pick, the thought is beautiful. I hope you're able to take that break you need.

[jlincoln]

Hugs caer!!
kayladawn91 - totally understand the hopelessness....hopefully we will all get our rainbow.
wannabmama - nerdy, party girl - I love it! I think the month break will be nice so that you can help out your mom and grandma (I think that was why!)
@samrs22 - Sorry you are having to wait - I'm in the same boat unfortuantely. I just don't know what is a normal wait after a CP/MC.
irish14 - breaks can be nice, we are on one now, but I'm already getting anxious and possibly wanting to move our tentative late fall IVF date up sooner. I hope you get some answer from testing.

[jlincoln]

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched, waiting on AF, hopefully will be TTC soon.

Diagnosis (if applicable): early MC at 5 weeks, doc referred to it as a CP, but numbers got to 1500+, whatever the case, it was a loss at 5 weeks. Personally, I have super thin lining and possible egg quality issues.

Updates/questions: No updates, just waiting on AF.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): It's hard to remain hopeful when people are announcing pregnancies left and right. Also, I think pregnancy announcements on sensitive holidays (mothers day, fathers day, thanksgiving) are tasteless....but that's my opinion. Had to deal with a few on Father's day.

QOTW: What were you like in high school? I was a sporty nerd. Played 2 sports, but was also in the honors classes. I didn't party and was very shy.

[doodler]

caer kayladawn91 wannabmama I'm right there with you ladies. It's such a mind fuck.
@samrs22 my OB said the same thing after my 3 losses. She totally blew me off and said "If you were 39 or 40 I'd be more concerned but since you're only(ha!) 34, i'm not that concerned." I looked at her like she was insane and told her I cannot keep having miscarriages over and over until something magically clicks. I walked out and immediately scheduled an appointment with the RE who immediately did the whole battery of RPL testing.
irish14 I had to take a 3 month break for several reasons. In hindsight it was really healthy for me to take a break and not ride the rollercoaster of emotions every month. I'm convinced it really helped me. Of course, now I'm sad that I'm not pregnant yet, but to be pregnant in the emotional state I was in probably wouldn't have been a good idea anyway.

[kayladawn91]

jlincoln pregnancy announcements are the worst, ((hugs))

[doodler]

How are you doing? Ok I guess, but it has been a rough week at moments.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unicorn uterus, RPL, AMA

Updates/questions: Nothing right now. Just entering FW so of course keeping my fingers crossed.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): ******OPP mentioned******
My BFF had her baby on Sunday. I have been fine with all my emotions so I thought I would be ok with going to see them in the hospital. Instead I walked into her room, took one look at her and the baby, and burst into tears. I excused myself to the bathroom, sobbed for a few minutes, then composed myself to visit. That was fun.

Then this morning I get a text that DH's unmarried cousin is pregnant. Awesome. Also, his family apparently all got together last night for the announcement and we weren't invited. So that's wierd.

QOTW: What were you like in high school? I was an athlete. I played sports year round. I had friends from many different groups and also had a good core group of friends. We all hung out with guys from the local Catholic school(I'm married to one of them) on the weekends.

[caer]

jlincoln - I alluded to it in my post above, but Father's Day was a clusterfuck of announcements for me, too. I literally cried for about 30 minutes after the last one. I'm so sorry you had a similar experience. (((Hugs))

doodler - I was just thinking about you this morning because I hadn't seen you around recently (hopefully that's not too creepy!). I'm so sorry your visit with your friend was difficult. I completely understand. Sending love your way.

[mosdub]

Sorry I'm late to join in this week

Hugs caer, I hope your journey is short from here and that the medicated cycles do the trick.


kayladawn91 I'm so sorry you've been feeling hopeless. I'm hoping everything goes well in this next part of your journey


wannabmama I'm thinking of you! I think it's okay to take a break before IVF, enjoy your "you" time.

@samrs22, I know what you mean about being changed and not sure if you can handle another loss. I'm not sure I can either, but I'm diving into it hoping I can muster the strength if it happens again. I know your H is just trying to be optimistic and hopeful, but it's so hard. If I were you I would have also been frustrated by the doctor not doing more to Dx an issue. I hope he's right though and it's just been bad luck.

irish14, enjoy your break from ttc, I think it helps sometimes when it all gets too overwhelming.

jlincoln sorry for your loss hugs

[doodler]

Thanks caer! Last week was insane at work. Huge drama, my boss resigned, half our admin team is going with her, and the new people promoted are, well....questionable. Also someone in my direct office got fired and it caused allll sorts of drama. Now I'm off this week and it's always hard for me to get on here when I'm not working!

[mosdub]

doodler, I'm so sorry about how the hospital visit went! The emotions hit hard out of nowhere sometimes

[caer]

I'm so sorry last week was so crazy doodler. Hope this week goes easier on you!

[mosdub]

How are you doing? Pretty good

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Previous partial molar pregnancy, slightly higher chance of another.

Updates/questions: Nothing this week

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Testing day is Friday which is the beginning of our family vacation. If I get a bfn I'll have plenty of day drinking to look forward to. I'm hoping I get KU this cycle because the EDD would be ideal for my job, and I am hosting my nephew's 1st birthday and two of my pregnant friends will be there and I'm just not looking forward to it.

QOTW: What were you like in high school? I had friends in a lot of different cliques at school. Outside of school I rarely hung out with friends.

[kayladawn91]

doodler I'm sorry it was difficult to visit your friend and new baby in the hospital. ((hugs))

mosdub FX for you as always!!