Loss Check-In 2/8/15

[mrswheelo]

Hello ladies!! I hope that this has been a good week for you all.

1- How are you feeling this week?

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones/plans?

3- How do you respond to ppl who don't know about your loss?

happyin14- I hope all is going well with your planning for Jack's benefit

flutterfly88- I hope things are going smoothly with your sister

[mrswheelo]

1- How are you feeling?
as usual, my mood fluctuates through the week. I had some tough encounters and feel hurt, but stronger at the same time.

2- Milestones? Plans?
We are approaching what would have been our EDD for the twins in a few weeks. I'm so sad thinking of it. Knowing we were so close. On a lighter note, we are "off the bench" now and are actively ttc. So, our plan is to get KTFU. We definitely want to add little people to our family. Just more than we originally thought.

3- How do you respond to ppl who don't knkw about your loss?
I avoid ppl who don't know about our loss and have let my husband do the explaining here lately. Its easy to talk about them to pp who know what happened. But the words "they died" are so fucking hard to say on repeat.I've been hit twice this week.
The first was at the store when one of DH's friends approaches us. I'm not paying much attention to their conversation when he looks me in the eye and says "Well, I can see she isnt pregnant anymore, how are those twins doing?". Holy mind fuck! I just looked at DH and he calmly told his friend that we had lost the twins in November. I was so hurt, but I didn't break down. I was very thankful DH took control.
The second was less up close/personal. A client at work who comes in alot, knew about my pregnancy anf we would always chat a bit when she came in. Yesterday, she came in and as much as I tried to avoid her, I ended up with her chart. Before I leave the room after checking her in, I can tell the words are on her tongue about to ask me how I'm doing. She then makes direct eye contact with my belly and pauses. I just mumbled something about the dr being right in and closed the door behind me. So I have been avoiding it. And it isn't helping me. I need to find a new way to approach these situations.

[shandorfml2]

I had similar experiences early on. I came up with a response so that I would know what to say when that happened. I usually just said "she passed away" and tried to end the conversation there. It happens less and less as time goes on. (((hugs)))

[mrswheelo]

Feb 9, 2015 7:20:05 GMT -5 shandorfml2 said:

I had similar experiences early on. I came up with a response so that I would know what to say when that happened. I usually just said "she passed away" and tried to end the conversation there. It happens less and less as time goes on. (((hugs)))

Yes, it does. And for that I'm grateful.  I handled these situations so much better right after our loss than I do now, almost 4 months later. I was prepared to talk about their death then. It just reopens the wound to tell someone for the first time. Strangely,  I am fine talking about things with ppl who know about the loss. (Shrugs shoulders). Im a work in progress.  

[shandorfml2]

*Siggy,dont know how to disable on mobile

We're all a work in progress

[penguininthecity]

1- How are you feeling this week? Like a yoyo... Mostly on the uptick this past week, but have had some mopey periods (including this morning). Found out one of my former student asistants is pregnant. Congratulated her, but turned off the notifications so I wasn't bombarded with notifications of well wishes.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones/plans? - The 6th marked 2 months since Aurelia earned her wings. That was definitely one of my mopey days. Finally got a replacement frame for the broken one holding her photo at my work desk. Photo's now right by our wedding photo.

3- How do you respond to ppl who don't know about your loss?
"I'm sorry to say she's passed away". Generally it hasn't been too bad -- except for last Tuesday when there were a *lot* of people asking. Comfort is subject to the law of diminishing returns (same-day).

[mrswheelo]

penguininthecity, feeling happy for someone that has what you want and can't have is TOUGH! I think you're handling it the best way possible. I'm glad you got a new frame for baby girl's picture. I think its wonderful that she can be front and center

[flutterfly88]

mrswheelo I'm sorry for the encounters you had this week, that really sucks. I don't think it's strange to be able to talk about things with people who already know, because you don't have to prepare your mind for the condolences that will come, and you can have a "normal" conversation.

penguininthecity I have to hide people on FB who I know are expecting, (or women who have a pregnant child), I just can't handle all the unexpected notifications. I think you handled the announcement perfectly. I'm glad work seems to be going alright.

1- How are you feeling this week? I'm doing okay, had a busy weekend and kept myself distracted. Things are okay with my sister, she asked for a picture of Parker, but I think only because she saw that I gave one to my other sister. But I'll take what I can get. I'm not telling her that I have a full photo album to give to my oldest sister though.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones/plans? We're one week out from Parker's due date, I don't have specific plans yet, but I know I want to do something. We'll probably visit his grave.

3- How do you respond to ppl who don't know about your loss? I'm usually very open about it. Other than strangers I haven't encountered anyone in person who doesn't know, but we were very public on FB about our loss. I was in the hospital for 10 days on bed rest before he was born, so we asked all our family and friends to pray and put updates on FB. On Saturday we posted pictures, and one of my mom's friends was asking questions, so that was a little hard.

[littleowl913]

Feb 9, 2015 8:51:05 GMT -5 mrswheelo said:

Feb 9, 2015 7:20:05 GMT -5 shandorfml2 said:

I had similar experiences early on. I came up with a response so that I would know what to say when that happened. I usually just said "she passed away" and tried to end the conversation there. It happens less and less as time goes on. (((hugs)))

Yes, it does. And for that I'm grateful.  I handled these situations so much better right after our loss than I do now, almost 4 months later. I was prepared to talk about their death then. It just reopens the wound to tell someone for the first time. Strangely,  I am fine talking about things with ppl who know about the loss. (Shrugs shoulders). Im a work in progress.  

I feel the same way too. In the beginning you prepare yourself to talk about your loss because you expect questions. A few months out, it hits you like a ton of bricks.


1- How are you feeling this week?
I'm feeling better. The last month or so has been pretty difficult with Ronin's EDD and my friend giving birth to her son a week or so later. I was taking it pretty hard.


2- Do you have any upcoming milestones/plans?
Not much. We're TTC again so my FW is coming up this weekend.


3- How do you respond to ppl who don't know about your loss? It's tough. There have been quite a few people that knew I was pregnant but haven't seen me in months so I get the random "aren't you due soon!?!" I usually say he's gone as tears well up. 

[mrswheelo]

littleowl913, thank you for understanding. Approaching the EDD is hard for me bc I'm just reminded that we were so close. I'm glad you made it through ok. Good luck with TTC! It's a scary journey.

[wrenofthesea]

1- How are you feeling this week?
Well, it has been a tough one, especially this past weekend. It has been just over four months since losing Lillian and all of a sudden it has been feeling like it was just yesterday. Trying to take things slow and be open with H. I finally decided to start posting over here now (was seacatch on TB)- I had just started to post and participate in the group late Dec/early Jan and then things happened (not all TB related) and I had to take a break for a bit.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones/plans?
We have decided to start actively ttc this cycle. Last cycle we weren't avoiding but not really trying either. I am also trying to find a tree to plant for Lillian. I have some ideas but as we are strongly hoping to be moving soon I won't be making any purchases yet.


3- How do you respond to ppl who don't know about your loss?
For the most part everyone knows, at least those close to us, so I haven't had to encounter this much. There is this lady that walks through our neighborhood and often sees me with our dogs. She usually asks how things are and makes a comment about the dogs as she passes by. First time I saw her after Lillian she asked me from across the street about the baby (last time I saw her I was 40 weeks). I was not about to yell across the street that we unexpectedly lost her so I just said that yes, we had her and tried to walk on. She then asked her name and how big she was- I replied to those questions and at the time it actually felt good to just tell someone that yes, I had a baby, she was beautiful, and here are her stats that all proud parents like to share. That was all she wanted to know and kept walking. Now, however, I try to avoid her since I don't know what to say anymore- not sure what to do about that but I am trying to let it go. For people that know me a little better, or at least aren't yelling at me from across the street, I tell them that we unexpectedly lost her at 41 weeks.

[CattyNattyRN]

1- How are you feeling this week?
This week was a weird week. DH and I were trying to decide when to TTC again. It's been almost 6 months since our loss, and at 6 mo we have the go ahead. With my cycles being how they are in relation to our 6 month mark, it will be exactly the perfect time if we want to try this cycle. We decided to go ahead, and I'm currently CD5. So it's a mixed bag of emotions. Ready and not ready. Anxious and excited vs dreading and fear.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones/plans?
We had our son Tucker placed with family at a cemetary and haven't been to visit his gravesite yet. We planned on visiting once we hit the 6 month mark and before we TTC again, so that's another milestone we need to meet before we TTC. I don't even really know how to feel about this.

3- How do you respond to ppl who don't know about your loss?
I am a nurse, and after losing our son, I made the decision to transfer to a different unit. I wanted to work in the mother care/ postnatal area since nursing school, and seeing the love that was shown to us after of loss, I decided it might offer some healing, and in turn I might help heal couples going through what we did. I get a lot of, "you're so good with the babies, how many children do you have?!?". It's a question that comes up probably once a shift, and I've begun to answer truthfully, with the answer of "I have one son. We lost him while I was still pregnant almost 6 months ago." Patients/family are always amazing and offer their apologies along with hopes that we have many more children. I'm amazed about how beautifully these new moms handle it. Occasionally I get a mom whom I know has had a loss, and their responses I cherish most, and they have just had their Rainbows. I am dealing with all of this just as they have, and I'm lucky to get to talk about my loss as openly as I do with so much support from coworkers and patients alike.

[littleowl913]

Feb 11, 2015 15:53:57 GMT -5 wrenofthesea said:

1- How are you feeling this week?
Well, it has been a tough one, especially this past weekend. It has been just over four months since losing Lillian and all of a sudden it has been feeling like it was just yesterday. Trying to take things slow and be open with H. I finally decided to start posting over here now (was seacatch on TB)- I had just started to post and participate in the group late Dec/early Jan and then things happened (not all TB related) and I had to take a break for a bit.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones/plans?
We have decided to start actively ttc this cycle. Last cycle we weren't avoiding but not really trying either. I am also trying to find a tree to plant for Lillian. I have some ideas but as we are strongly hoping to be moving soon I won't be making any purchases yet.


3- How do you respond to ppl who don't know about your loss?
For the most part everyone knows, at least those close to us, so I haven't had to encounter this much. There is this lady that walks through our neighborhood and often sees me with our dogs. She usually asks how things are and makes a comment about the dogs as she passes by. First time I saw her after Lillian she asked me from across the street about the baby (last time I saw her I was 40 weeks). I was not about to yell across the street that we unexpectedly lost her so I just said that yes, we had her and tried to walk on. She then asked her name and how big she was- I replied to those questions and at the time it actually felt good to just tell someone that yes, I had a baby, she was beautiful, and here are her stats that all proud parents like to share. That was all she wanted to know and kept walking. Now, however, I try to avoid her since I don't know what to say anymore- not sure what to do about that but I am trying to let it go. For people that know me a little better, or at least aren't yelling at me from across the street, I tell them that we unexpectedly lost her at 41 weeks.

Sorry you had a rough week. I get like that too sometimes. Have you thought about seeing a therapist or joining any support groups? Just remember, we are always here!