new here: devastated and embarrassing basic question

[elephantmomma]

Just under two months ago, I went to the hospital in labor to deliver my 37 week son.  When we arrived, we found out his heart had stopped and delivered him shortly after.  We still don't know why his heart stopped--it almost seems like a dream.  Some of the initial shock has worn off, but it is hard for me to get through each day.  I don't know what to do with myself or my time.  I am a teacher so I am off for the summer.  My chest and arms ache to have my son back. I am devastated, and don't want this to be my new reality. 

I am also not sure what is going on with my body.  I have always been very regular/trusted my body, but how can I trust my body when it failed my beautiful boy.  I would like to try for another baby soon, but embarrassingly, I don't know if my period has come back yet.  Did anyone have a very light first period? I had light bleeding for two days (8 weeks post delivery), and don't know if this could be my period.  My OB said periods typically resume 6-8 weeks post loss.  But of course, I am wondering if my grief could have delayed it, or if it might just be very light.  How long did it take most of you to get your periods back?  Was anyone's light?

[rslh10]

Hi there. I am so sorry for the loss of your Son. What did you name him if you don't mind me asking? I lost my daughter Kenley @ 38+4 on 12.29.15; the shock is overwhelming at first and slowly fades into some weird...lesser shock? I don't know if that makes sense, but it slows down. The grief is there still, very much so. I'm 6 months out and I do not go through a day without thinking of my sweet girl most of the day. The nightmare hasn't ended for me, and I'm positive it never will. It will fade, maybe, but I can't see that far ahead yet.

As for the period, the only recommendation I have to really know, is grab some OPKS (ovulation tests) and start taking them to see if you can make sense of where you are at.

Another small piece of advice, take some time. In the early days I was just like you, I NEEDED to get pregnant again. My doctor initially told us to wait a year. It was the most devastating news to receive directly after losing our daughter. We eventually were cleared at the 3 month mark and almost immediately went into IVF. I don't regret this, but, I can see why people wait. I feel very overwhelmed and scared and we haven't even transferred yet. It's a HUGE roller coaster of emotions and you're just creating that first hill. Be kind and gentle on yourself, you've been through the worst thing in the world. Sending you many (((hugs))). You are not alone here

[snowbigdeal]

Welcome elephantmomma . I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I too would love to hear what you named him, if you want to share. I lost my son Henry at 33 weeks. His heart stopped beating, also for no apparent reason. This was just about two years and two months ago, and I too wanted to get pregnant again right away.



*rainbow baby mentioned*




My doctor suggested waiting to try to conceive until after I had two periods, so that dating the next pregnancy would be more accurate, so that's what we did. We were very lucky and I became pregnant as soon as we started trying, and I now have a little girl who is 15 months old.

My two post-pregnancy periods after my loss were a little heavier than normal. The first arrived around 6 or 7 weeks.  I believe that heavy first periods are common, though your lighter-than-normal bleeding could still be your first period. Or it could be ovulation bleeding. Things postpartum are wonky for awhile, and it can be very hard to tell (which was part of my doctor's reasoning in suggesting we wait two cycles before trying again). There is also a lot of normal postpartum bleeding -- I know it is also common to stop postpartum bleeding and then to have a resurgence around the 6 - 8 week mark (unrelated to ovulation or menstruation). So I think the only way to tell for sure would be to consult your doctor or to track with an ovulation test, as rslh10 suggested.

Trying again after a stillbirth is a rollercoaster. I found a great book called, appropriately, "Trying Again" by Ann Douglas. I highly recommend it. It is very helpful in anticipating a lot of what you will physically and emotionally experience as you go through the process. It also is more oriented toward people who have gone through stillbirth and child loss. There are not many books like this.

In my experience, the physical toll of back-to-back pregnancies was greater than I anticipated. Emotionally it was hard as well, but I wanted a baby so damn bad that nothing else felt like it mattered. I also had a kind of "lightening can't strike twice" feeling, like since I had gone through this random, unexplained loss, there was no way it could possible happen twice in a row. Not totally logical, but not illogical either since unexplained stillbirths are statistically very unlikely to happen again.

I wish you the best in your journey. Please continue to come here to share your story or if you have questions for any of us. And again, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

[heartpresidents]

Jun 30, 2016 21:14:21 GMT -5 cardhard said:

elephantmomma , I am so sorry for your loss. I can't be of much help- I lost my little guy 2 weeks ago and am feeling a lot of the same emotions you are- like this is all one big nightmare.

I still have 5 weeks of maternity leave left, and I am planning on starting E's baby book. I am hoping that getting all of his pictures and memories written down and in an album will be therapeutic for me, plus it will be something tangible I can flip through when I am thinking of him. Maybe something like that would help?

Love this idea. Finishing Lincoln's baby book was difficult, but at the same time therapeutic and I cherish it.

One thing I recommend (feel free to ignore, but it helped me) is to remove the pages you won't be able to fill out. Our book had the pages kind of sewn in a way that they could be removed and you can't even tell they were ever there. If the page was attached to one I didn't want to remove, I just covered the page that would otherwise be blank, top to bottom, with photos. 
Then on pages where there were only some blanks I could fill out, I covered the empty spaces with photos so you can't see the blanks at all. 

That gave me an entire book I could flip through without having to pass over blank pages.

[elephantmomma]

Thanks everyone. We named our son Sidney, after my grandfather. I miss him so much and still cannot believe he is gone--the past 8 weeks have been like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Today, I am just irritable. I sit around and do so little. Tonight, we will take our living son, who is almost 3 and a half, to a dinner in a park at his school. There will be people there who knew I was pregnant but don't know that Sidney died. I am dreading going. What should I say to the congratulations that are bound to happen, or even the 'how are yous?' of people making polite conversation. Leaving the house is hard for me, as I look like I just had a baby, since I did, but I do not have my beautiful little son with me, strapped to a carrier and accompanying his older brother to the dinner. My heart is broken, and my anxiety is bad. Wishing you all a little peace this evening.

[snowbigdeal]

Jul 1, 2016 14:30:31 GMT -5 elephantmomma said:

Thanks everyone. We named our son Sidney, after my grandfather. I miss him so much and still cannot believe he is gone--the past 8 weeks have been like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Today, I am just irritable. I sit around and do so little. Tonight, we will take our living son, who is almost 3 and a half, to a dinner in a park at his school. There will be people there who knew I was pregnant but don't know that Sidney died. I am dreading going. What should I say to the congratulations that are bound to happen, or even the 'how are yous?' of people making polite conversation. Leaving the house is hard for me, as I look like I just had a baby, since I did, but I do not have my beautiful little son with me, strapped to a carrier and accompanying his older brother to the dinner. My heart is broken, and my anxiety is bad. Wishing you all a little peace this evening.

You say whatever feels most comfortable to you. Do you have any friends going who know what happened? You could ask them to spread the word in advance so that people know what happened. That may help you avoid some of the more painful questions.

Our response was simply "he didn't make it." Honestly, socializing was awkward and sad for a long time after. Be prepared for a potentially difficult and painful time, and give yourself permission to hightail it out of there if you need to.

[iheartbroccoli]

elephantmomma I am so sorry for your loss. I love the name Sidney. I'm sorry to welcome you here, but I'm glad you found us.

I agree with snowbigdeal, say whatever you feel comfortable saying at that moment. I like her idea of having a friend discretely let others know until you feel comfortable. I've found that what I'm comfortable saying has changed as time has gone on. At first, I couldn't bring myself to say that he had died, but now I tend to tell everyone he's gone. I just can't stand the thought of getting to know people and making new friends who don't know I lost my son.

Be gentle on yourself. MH and I created a little code that I can use when I start to get too overwhelmed and need to leave. It's come in handy more times than I wish it did.

[snowbigdeal]

How did it go, elephantmomma? Thinking of you.

[elephantmomma]

Thank you for checking in on me. It means a lot--and makes me feel like people care. Friday night went better than I thought it would, I think because I either only saw people who knew what happened or who didn't know me at all/know I was pregnant. But inevitably, as I expand the small bubble I've created for myself, I will start running into people who knew I was pregnant but don't know what happened. My anxiety is really bad lately, and when I think about trying to resume a regular work routine in the fall, I get overwhelmed. We are going to go to Philadelphia today and tomorrow (we are about three hours away) to stay with a friend and her two boys. It seemed better than staying alone in the house or doing something local, but I am also nervous about how I will do at someone else's house, and also watching brothers interact, and knowing my living son does not have a living brother. Basically, no options feel good. Has the grief gotten more manageable for any of you? Will this ever get better?

[snowbigdeal]

It does get better. But it takes time, and there are many ups and downs along the way. And it never goes away completely. But it becomes...manageable? I think that's the right word.

Try to find things that help you process - for me it was this place, meditation, therapy, and talking to h, but it is different for everyone. Give yourself permission to leave places if you are out and are triggered. It's okay to feel however you feel whenever and wherever you are. Be prepared for people saying hurtful and unhelpful things (though it sounds like you're already thinking about that). It's okay to walk away or have a blunt response or to cry in front of them or whatever. It's not your responsibility to make the people around you comfortable. You take care of you.

I'm glad the other night went well and I hope your trip goes smoothly. We're here if you need anything!

[rslh10]

elephantmomma, +1 to snowbigdeal saying it's not your job to make them comfortable. I told everyone who spoke to me that Kenley died. I still do. I can't help it and honestly it helps me heal. I hope that your trip goes smooth, and if you need to leave for a minute, I hope you allow yourself that.

(((Hugs))) momma. It's so incredibly difficult. We are all at different stages so I find this place to be so helpful. We are here for you.

[shandorfml2]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I also lost my daughter at 37 weeks, no reason found. I also wanted to try right away. Unfortunately it took us a while because I have pcos. I also recommend the book Trying Again. It took me 11 weeks to get my period back, actually started the day I buried my daughter. I definitely think that grief affects your cycle. My first one was lighter than anticipated, then the second one was huge.

Good luck (((hugs)))

[wrenofthesea]

elephantmomma I am so sorry for the loss of your son Sidney- what a wonderful name. I am glad that the get together Friday night went better than you thought. Social situations were so hard for me for a long time, and truthfully they are still sometimes hard. So, it does get better somewhat though there will always be times when something will trigger your grief. I hope that staying at your friend's place goes ok for you.

I also had a hard time with returning back to work. I took off almost three months (I had been planning on taking off at least four for maternity leave so my work was expecting me to be gone anyway). My transition back was really hard too, but I was able to start part time and tried easing back in slowly. I think communicating to your manager/supervisor and also trying to get some co-workers support will help. I also met with some co-workers for coffee or lunch prior to returning back and that also helped. Unfortunately I did not have a very compassionate supervisor and after about two months I ended up resigning.

I too wanted to try again soon after I lost my daughter at 41 weeks. I did have some complications from labor and delivery so I needed to wait a few months, but then I wanted to start trying. I think that grief can definitely mess with when and how you get your first pp period. For me I believe (and my OB thought so too) that my grief was causing my pp bleeding to continue longer than it should have. It would stop but then I would have a day that I would cry so heavily and grieve so hard and my bleeding would come back. I ended up having to get on bcp to help regulate whatever my body was trying to do. I stopped the bcp after a few cycles and started temping and opk to see what my body was up to. Things were weird for awhile and while I cannot confirm this it seemed that I did not ovulate until 6 months pp. After that my cycle was back to normal and my body felt better. I don't know if that was just my body with pp hormones and still trying to believe that we did bring home our baby or grief.

lots and lots of ((hugs))

[angelsnight]

I'm so sorry to have to welcome you here, but I am glad you found us. I didn't read the other replies, but do you have a name for your son? We would love to know if so, we like to be able to call our children by their names.

When my angel was stillborn, I received 6 weeks maternity leave at work since I technically gave birth. My husband was home with me for two of those weeks, but then he had to go back to work. I was very nervous about being home all day, worried I would slip into a deep depression. So I made a list of things to do. Some days the list was very small, like call my RE, or go to the ATM, and others days I had more to do, like clean out closets, or organize my home office.

I tried to give myself just two or three days a week of busy days, and made sure the rest were light days. If I just couldn't complete one or all of my tasks in a day, then I left them for another day, but it definitely helped to give myself these goals so I wouldn't just lay around and cry (though somedays I needed to). Other than that, my number one goal for each day was to get up, shower, and get dressed. Even if I just laid around and/or napped all day after that, I had to complete my goal of showering and getting dressed, because I knew how easy it would be to just give up on life if I physically felt like crap in addition to emotionally.

As far as periods go, my body was kind of weird. Before my stillbirth, I suffered from infertility. My ovulation was very irregular, sometimes I wouldn't ovulate for months on end. But as soon as my PP bleeding stopped, the next month I got a period....and the month after that. But I've heard it is quite common to become suddenly regular after giving birth and after dealing with infertility. We wanted to try again right away too, so it was such a blessing that my formerly broken body was now working.

I would say to try to give it some more time, it could be a light period, or it could just be spotting. Every one is different so it may just take a little while longer for you to regulate. I am not sure if it makes a difference, but did your milk come in? Mine did not, so that could also be why my periods returned so quickly. If you are up to it, you may want to try charting and using OPKs, that might be able to help you figure out what your body is doing. Good luck, and big hugs to you.

[elephantmomma]

Thanks, angelsnight. I think it was just spotting--because my actual period just began today. And I am so angry about it--even though I know it's a good sign that my body is returning to normal. We just had friends over, one of whom is 22 weeks pregnant. She is considerate (and even asked if I was sure it was okay that she came) but it still hurt, especially in combination with getting my period back. I just want baby Sidney here.

*Living children mentioned.

And my friend said she had just told her 3 year old that he was going to have a sibling (and I knew she had waited until the 20 week appointment, since she is considered high-risk), and I am heartbroken, remembering how excited my other son was to be a big brother, thinking of all he has lost, all we have lost, and how everyone he knows has siblings except for him. And I am so angry and sad that he won't get to have this. I want to cry and scream but it won't make a difference. I am just really struggling today. It's been nearly 12 weeks, and it doesn't seem like this is getting much easier. I know this post is basically one big whining tantrum but I don't know how to keep doing this and I needed to let it out. Thanks.

[rslh10]

Jul 23, 2016 19:08:21 GMT -5 elephantmomma said:

Thanks, angelsnight . I think it was just spotting--because my actual period just began today. And I am so angry about it--even though I know it's a good sign that my body is returning to normal. We just had friends over, one of whom is 22 weeks pregnant. She is considerate (and even asked if I was sure it was okay that she came) but it still hurt, especially in combination with getting my period back. I just want baby Sidney here.

*Living children mentioned.

And my friend said she had just told her 3 year old that he was going to have a sibling (and I knew she had waited until the 20 week appointment, since she is considered high-risk), and I am heartbroken, remembering how excited my other son was to be a big brother, thinking of all he has lost, all we have lost, and how everyone he knows has siblings except for him. And I am so angry and sad that he won't get to have this. I want to cry and scream but it won't make a difference. I am just really struggling today. It's been nearly 12 weeks, and it doesn't seem like this is getting much easier. I know this post is basically one big whining tantrum but I don't know how to keep doing this and I needed to let it out. Thanks.

Do not feel bad for venting to us; we are here for that and support. It's a shitty situation to be in, and to add to it, your son lost his sibling as well. So watching that child grieve the loss of his sibling as well is incredibly hard. I understand that all too well. Each persons journey through loss is so unique, but we are all feeling the same thing on some level. (((hugs)))