Extreme tantrums

[kleigh926]

This is about DS, not my Feb. '13 child, but wanted to get some insight/opinions. He is almost 22 months old. For about 2 months he has been throwing tantrums about literally everything, and once he gets going, almost nothing calms him down. Food, sleep, or leaving the house and going to a different location are usually the only things that will stop the cycle. Being tired greatly contributes to the problem. If he wakes up early or doesn't take a long enough nap, we are guaranteed to have a horrible day. And once he is up in the morning or wakes up from a nap, no matter how early it is or how short the nap was, he will never go back to sleep. 

His therapists and doctors all tell me it is developmentally normal to have this behavior at his age. I understand that tantrums are normal, but he takes it to the extreme. There are clear triggers; it's not like he throws fits for no reason. But sometimes the triggers are completely unavoidable. And I don't want to get into the habit of giving him everything he wants just to avoid a tantrum. He is getting special instruction through EI. She has told me to try to get him enough sleep (do an extra nap if necessary), use emotion words to show him we understand how he feels ("I know you're mad, but you must hold my hand while we walk on the road because it's not safe for you to walk alone"), stay calm with him, and ride out the tantrums as best we can. Okay, first of all, easier said than done to stay calm when I am listening to this day after day, and second of all, I am not convinced that these frequent, never-ending, intense fits are really normal. DD went through the Terrible Two's just like any other toddler, but it was not nearly this bad. 

Has anyone else's kid gone through this? Am I overreacting out of frustration? Do I need to have patience and hope that it's a phase that is over soon? 

[creepyeyeball]

I've never experienced anything extreme like that. All of mine have gone through disobedient phases where they throw little tantrums, but usually ignoring it nips it in the bud pretty quickly. What happens if you ignore it?

I have no advice, just hugs.

[brachysira]

Well, DD (Feb 13 child) was a terrible tantrum thrower...she did not tantrum for long periods--so that was nice--but she was terrible with transitions, directions, and insane things, like not being allowed to get all the equipment out at tennis class. We just tried to avoid things that would set her off and tried to appease her more than you would a normal child. She's much better now so for her it was a phase although also reflects her general personality. I used all the tricks--snacks, TV, driving in the car, going places, having a baby-sitter, walks in the stroller, and it doesn't seem like this has ruined her.

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking more help. When the people at the preemie assessment told me my child was a terrible tantrum-thrower and I needed help, they suggested EI, so you've already got one line of help. But I would go to the pedi. It could be something like an ear infection that is causing pain. Maybe a developmental pedi will suggest some overarching cause and you can use the tools they have.

[holly321]

Did had really extreme, what I thought at the time was tantrums, but they were meltdowns. There is a difference and I think knowing that helps. She would be inconsolable a d sometimes even vomit or get her nose bleeding. Nothing calmed her, sometimes she would just fall asleep after screaming for over an hour.

She outgrew it for the most part. She occasionally still has them.

If it is a meltdown, the best thing I do is not interfere. The more I touched her or talked to her, the worse it got.

[kleigh926]

Jul 9, 2016 15:38:38 GMT -5 creepyeyeball said:

I've never experienced anything extreme like that. All of mine have gone through disobedient phases where they throw little tantrums, but usually ignoring it nips it in the bud pretty quickly. What happens if you ignore it?

I have no advice, just hugs.

Ignoring it doesn't help, he will just walk around screaming regardless of whether or not I am paying attention to him. And sometimes I can't ignore because he starts throwing things, and I will not allow him to be destructive. I have put him in his crib for a few minutes to try to give him a time out and calm down, but it doesn't really work. The crying slows down eventually but when I come in to get him he usually starts right back up.

brachysira I did take him to the pedi a few weeks ago to check his ears and rule out illness. He was perfectly healthy.

holly321 he has vomited once from crying. It's rare for him to fight sleep anymore, but it was a time when he was very overtired and crying uncontrollably at bedtime. We usually let him CIO in those situations because whenever we would try to put him down he'd wake up and it would start all over again. However, after he did that we were quicker to go in and figured out that just sitting in his room while he was in his crib until he fell asleep helped. I wouldn't necessarily call what he does "meltdowns" because it usually doesn't get to that level and sitting with him/talking to him does help to an extent sometimes. It's just exhausting to have to deal with it everyday.

[crimsonandclover]

Sounds similar to my DD2's (Feb 13 child). I also talked to her pedi about it because I felt like it was maybe not normal, but she said it was. DD2 has problems with transitions, and she can scream, kick, hit, etc. for up to 90 min before calming down. She won't let me hold her, she doesn't want eye contact during that time, but she does want me in sight range. With her, if I touch her it gets worse and she tries to hit me, if I put her outside of the room I'm in it gets worse, and if I let her stay on the kitchen (or whereever) floor, it doesn't get worse but also not immediately better.
Reading your description and going off what my pedi said, I would tend to say it sounds like the extreme end of normal, kind of my like my DD2.

With DD1 we never had this issue. Of course she had smaller tantrums, but I could always hold her and she would calm down.

[kleigh926]

Jul 10, 2016 2:48:28 GMT -5 crimsonandclover said:

Sounds similar to my DD2's (Feb 13 child). I also talked to her pedi about it because I felt like it was maybe not normal, but she said it was. DD2 has problems with transitions, and she can scream, kick, hit, etc. for up to 90 min before calming down. She won't let me hold her, she doesn't want eye contact during that time, but she does want me in sight range. With her, if I touch her it gets worse and she tries to hit me, if I put her outside of the room I'm in it gets worse, and if I let her stay on the kitchen (or whereever) floor, it doesn't get worse but also not immediately better.
Reading your description and going off what my pedi said, I would tend to say it sounds like the extreme end of normal, kind of my like my DD2.

With DD1 we never had this issue. Of course she had smaller tantrums, but I could always hold her and she would calm down.

This makes me feel better. DS also gets violent sometimes if we pick him up and he's mad, he will pinch, hit, and pull hair. Leaving his sight or walking away from him (especially going behind a closed door) is sometimes enough to trigger a tantrum on its own, and definitely makes it worse once he's started. Transitions are an issue at times with him as well- we have been trying to warn him when things are about to change but it doesn't always help. He is a major daddy's boy, and if DH needs to leave the room or put him down, we will tell him first, but usually he just starts crying right away then instead of when it actually happens. DH is a teacher so he's home every day right now, and I wish he wasn't, because when DS knows he's here or sees him going in and out of the house but not spending 100% of his time with him, doing exactly what he wants to do, it's tantrum city.

[dc2london]

This sounds exactly like DS1. He was like that from 3 until about 5. Like holly, ours were meltdowns and not tantrums, but they were extreme. We just had to ride them out. We kept his room essentially bare and, for his and his brother's safety, would put him in there and let him basically exhaust himself until the meltdown subsided. I felt horribly doing it but our developmental pedi assured us that it was the safest thing for him and for us, and that thete really was nothing we would be able to do to stop it except wait. So we just had to kind of mitigate the damage.

[dc2london]

But, he has outgrown the meltdowns (knock wood). He still has moments of explosive anger but he doesn't just completely dissolve into screaming and violence anymore

[kleigh926]

With the age that DS is at, it seems like a Terrible Two's type thing, just a lot more frequent and harder to calm down than DD ever was. I would still classify it as a tantrum vs. a meltdown I think. I guess I get a little worried because I wonder if he has behavior or other emotional issues accompanying his seizure disorder and developmental delays- but only time will tell I suppose.

[expatmama]

DS2 does this and has done this since a bit before he was two. It is a lot easier now that he can vocalize his reasoning, but sometimes his reasons are insane and usually more built on being tired. The most I can do is let it pass or escort him out if we are in public.

For example, yesterday he decided he was not going to wash his hands when he came home from the nature center, even if he had touched feathers, dug in the dirt with his fingers, and needed to wash his hands. This is usually not an issue but he just declared 'No, I will not'. So ten minutes of screaming later he went in and washed his hands. Ignoring him does nothing. It just needs to run its course. I put him in his room and sit outside the door until it passes.

Every two minutes I just poke my head in and say 'Are you ready to stop this now?' and sometimes he says 'NO I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!' and then at the end he will say 'Yes, let's go downstairs' and it is over.

They have gotten fewer and further in between now that we understand each other better, but sometimes I am jus like 'really? This is your hill to fall on?'

[beenandgone]

DS1 (Feb 13) is STILL like this. This morning, he threw a 45 minute screaming, kicking the floor, slamming doors, knock down drag out tantrum because I wouldn't give him gummy snacks for breakfast.

Sometimes it's because I won't let him play with something—usually not his, and not a toy (like my hairbrush, or H's not work glasses). Yesterday it was because I wouldn't let him go play outside at bedtime. It's exhausting and frustrating. And he IS verbal so he could tell us what the problem is, he just won't. And like you said, absolutely nothing helps calm him down.

Our worst time is bedtime. Six out of seven nights a week we have these massive meltdown tantrums at bedtime. And they last upwards of 2+ hours. It is just awful and I'm so very over it.