TTMA The first "Holiday Season"

[rslh10]

Hi guys,

I know it's only July but I just know the Holiday season is going to sneak up on me so fast and I don't want to be in a bad place when it does.

What did you do to handle the holiday season better after your loss. I know mine is going to be extremely hard because Kenley was born 4 days after Christmas. I will forever hate it now I think. I want to be able to find joy in this Holiday again, if only for my son and future children.

I am having a hard time with thinking about decorations and giving gifts etc. I'm seriously so afraid of being triggered by all things holiday related. We listened to Christmas music starting the day after Halloween last year, and Kenley would dance around in my belly loving it. I want to smash the cd now. I don't want to feel these things but I just know I'm going to.

I'm hoping to be pregnant again during the holidays this year, and I'm sure that will "help" but honestly it freaks me the fuck out thinking about being so during those times again. I know every pregnancy is different and all of that but, I want to try to prepare myself.

I know I won't be able to really prepare myself because I'm going to feel whatever I feel and I'm alright with that...I just don't want to fall apart. I also don't want to forget her, or not do something special for her birthday because of the busy season.

I just hate this so much. I wish my brain would relax for a second but I don't think that's possible. I've been struggling emotionally and mentally a little since I have my transfer coming up on Monday. I'm so incredibly nervous and everything just seems to wrap up into one giant ball of emotions in my mind.

I'm not looking for advice, really, just more of how you handled it. I'm going to be nearly a year out from her death, so I'm assuming it will be a little easier than the dark days immediately after her death. Sigh. I hate that we all even have to think about this shit. Thank you guys for being amazing. Your strength has held me up so much these past 6 months. Thank you.

[iheartbroccoli]

Ugh. Theo's due date last year was the day after Thanksgiving, and he was born/died 2.5 weeks before Christmas. It was a rough Christmas.

We made a lot of different plans with different people, being very, very, very clear with everyone that there was a good chance we would not show up. And I told them if they got upset I wasn't there, I would bite their head off (and to their credit, no one has said anything to me still). I made all of the different plans because I wanted contingencies. If I really wanted to be around people, but hanging with one set of family friends had a lot of kids present, I wanted to be able to leave and go somewhere there wasn't a lot of kids. I wanted options to do whatever I wanted without feeling judged, and having plans in place gave me some sense of control over the holiday.

We ended up seeing the new Star Wars film, and spent about 15 minutes with some close family friends before leaving. We went home and I had a few drinks, and spent the rest of the day lying in bed.

This year, we'll probably visit my grandparent's (we usually do this for Christmas but couldn't last year because my grandfather had surgery). We'll stay in a hotel so I have somewhere to escape to if needed.

We also plan on writing letters to Theo this year for Christmas and putting it in his stocking on Christmas Eve. Then we'll read the letters on Christmas day. We plan on doing this every year, with future children hopefully writing letters to Theo as well, and reading all of the letters each year. I got this idea from the lady who runs my IRL support group.

I also plan on getting a small tree just for Theo, and each year buy an ornament that is just for him and goes on his tree. We usually buy an ornament every time we visit a new city, so I like the idea of getting Theo an ornament each year and having a present under the tree for him.

That's the plan anyway, we might throw all of these plans out the window depending on how we feel.

My mom died on Halloween when I was 19, so I've just ignored that holiday for the past several years. But Thanksgiving and Christmas are big events in family, and though they will be triggering for me for a long time, I don't know if I can ignore them. Part of my wants to, part of me wants to try enjoy them... But mostly I just hate how grief and child loss make everything such a mindfuck.

[wrenofthesea]

The holidays after losing Lillian were hard. I lost her early October so it was still fresh and raw for Thanksgiving and Christmas. For that first Thanksgiving H and I went on a road trip just the two of us. We dropped off our dogs and cat at my parents the day before Thanksgiving and had a small supper with them and then all Thanksgiving day we were on the road. That was what we wanted, to just be away and just the two of us and not having to deal with and think about the holiday. It was perfect for us. We have a small ceramic bird that I used to represent Lillian and we took pictures of it throughout our trip in all the various places we went. It was still really hard at times and I remember breaking down at the end of one day in the hotel room- just a huge puddle of tears and anguish- but it felt better than being at home or having to be with others trying to pretend the holiday could be happy and wonderful.

For that Christmas we just stayed at home. Nothing really big. Initially we had wanted to do the trip over Christmas but with winter weather and trying to get through the passes we decided it was best to do the trip at Thanksgiving. At first I wanted nothing to do with Christmas and tried avoiding it all together. I just didn't know how I could get through this holiday. I did paint and decorate two frames, one for each of our parents, that held a photo of Lillian taken by NILMDTS as I felt that was a gift I wanted to give. I did think about some other gifts but H was more into that than me so I let him handle it. About a week before Christmas I all of a sudden needed to have a tree and we went out and got one. I just felt that I needed a tree for her. I decorated it all the while thinking about her and what a little girl would have wanted. We got some ornaments special for her, two of which are small picture frames that we put some photos of her in. Then, as if by fortune, I was going through Target and they had this gold bird tree topper and it was like 75% off or something. It was perfect as birds are very symbolic for us with regards to her. It was still a tough Christmas but out of nowhere I needed to celebrate some to just honor and remember her.

While those holidays were really hard I almost felt like the second ones were harder. Part of it was that others had moved on and weren't as understanding of the pain H and I felt at times during the holiday or why we didn't want to go to some parties/get-togethers, but a large part of it was that she would have been older and more a part of the holidays. This past Thanksgiving was really tough, she would have been 13, almost 14 months, and so definitely eating solids and would have been a part of the table. That first Thanksgiving she would have only been 1, almost 2 months. It was so hard to look at the food I had prepared and not miss the little girl that would have had so much fun trying out these holiday treats and traditions. I just ached for that empty seat/highchair where she should have been. Christmas was also harder this past year too for the same reason. She would have still been too young to really get the holiday but she would have loved all the lights and maybe we would have gone to see a Santa or just gone to parties and had fun. We got another tree this year and decorated it with the ornaments we got last year and we got a few more (one of which was one of those corny holiday balls with her name on it).



****Rainbow pregnancy mentioned****

I was pregnant with Lillian's little sister through the holidays this past year and while I guess it helped some it was still incredibly difficult. I wanted to make memories with this new life I was carrying (I was in third trimester)- but at the same time our house was empty and I was feeling guilty at times because I would think about how we would hopefully be celebrating next year with her little sister. It was a roller coaster of emotions and grief and everything- as pregnancy after loss is- compounded by the holidays.

[rslh10]

wrenofthesea ugh. You have me crying in bed right now. It's just so fucking unfair and it's bullshit. All of it. I want my baby back. I feel very much like you described, thinking of her at the holidays and what she would be doing. My husband was watching a home movie **LC** and it was our first Christmas in our home, and Landons first Christmas. He was around 10 months old. To see him, almoat exactly the same
Age as Kenley should be this Christmas....it cut like a knife. I couldn't watch. I was triggered and broke down. I'm hoping to be able to make it through, but I'm very scared.

I like your idea of a trip. Maybe I will toss that on the table to H.

iheartbroccoli, cardhard (((hugs))) to you. Thank you for sharing in this convo. I love you guys.

[wrenofthesea]

rslh10 oh, I am sorry I had you crying. Not my intention, I got to writing and then was unable to go back and edit.

I forgot to mention that you will be in my thoughts this coming Monday with the transfer

[rslh10]

wrenofthesea it was a good cry. It made me feel less alone, and surrounded by love in this community. Thank you again

[Deleted]

The year before we were pregnant we told our family we would no longer travel for the holidays. That helped a lot because we would drive hours and have 5 holiday parties to go to. Now we host, but not everyone can come so it works out we have maybe 4 people tops and then other people will come later for New Years or a birthday party.

I think it's good you are thinking ahead. I didn't think about the holidays being harder and then it just hit me. Sometimes the anticipation can be worse though, but I think if anything it still helps you go through the process.

I think this project is probably better for a few years out so something you can plan on later on maybe there is a picture grief thing you can do in October. I think part of it is figuring out new family traditions that honor your child. My experience is a little different, so I didn't go for ornaments or stockings overtly, more symbolically. But I think those things can be heartbreaking but healing in a way too to show your child is with you on the holidays in your heart.

[shandorfml2]

It is hard sweetie. I felt relief after I got through it though. Nothing was as hard as the first. How I got through mine (others have had excellent recommendations as well).

We talked about how thankful we were for Ana at thanksgiving. It took me a while to get to that place mentally, but I am very thankful for what she has brought to my life and that of my close family and friends. She made me a mama, and am very thankful for that.

Christmas we actually had a huge ice storm and lost power for three days. That helped because we were focused on staying warm and getting water/food haha. But, we made her ornaments (I still want to have a little Ana tree, with her ornaments, maybe this year). We also bought her a little ornament, its a little baby fairy on a flower. I also thought of doing the angel tree for a kiddo Ana's age. We decorated her grave when the weather wasn't to bad. We always bring her a pumpkin, fall wreath and christmas wreath. we sign our christmas cards with her name (for those we feel appropriate like close family etc). We got a family ornament in 2013 with three reindeer, Mom, Dad and Ana. Then last year after our rainbow we got one for the four of us. I really like to include her in all family themed things. we have a little stocking as well.

After my Mom died in 2014 right before christmas (she hosted the holidays) we decided to just do everything different. Instead of a huge tree, we did a charlie brown tree. Next year we might go to Florida. we tried to combine our traditions with new traditions so we weren't sitting around being sad.


GL on Monday, I really hope this is it for you and you can begin your journey to a rainbow