Post by periwinkledaydreams on Jul 19, 2016 18:29:30 GMT -5
@scoop I'm in no way saying that we should just "let whoever the fuck you (we/I?) want into the private board. Not at all. I agree with all the parameters that we all discussed and decided on.
What I don't agree with is jumping to suspicion of someone who has been a part of our board since it started and took some time away.
I guess now is a good a time as any to bring up that I'm really sad and can't stop thinking about that ombradellarosa was called into question last week and then referred to just as ODR while people conversed about wether or not she was trusted to be in the private board, etc. I'm not wanting to put words in anyone's mouth and since I came into that whole issue and conversation a day or two after it even started, amd then the private board was shut down, I really don't know exactly what was said. What I do know is that ombradellarosa was caused to feel ostracized from our community, for one reason or another. I think that the jumping to specific suspicion regarding individual members before any concrete and conclusive information is found is likely to breed these feelings. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable here for no good reason. And I don't think going off the board for a few months because of legitimate life circumstances and then coming back when things IRL settle down is cause for suspicion.
Like I said, I don't know exactly what was said. But I do know that someone who has been part of this community for as far as I can remember left here feeling talked about and unwanted, and I have a lot of feels about that.
Nothing was suspected of her. It was stated that I did not feel comfortable with her accessing the private board because she is not and has not been an active participant in this board. I do not understand why she needed to be privy to what was shared in the private board when she could find the support she needed in the public board.
It was comparable to exactly the case with cnumbers. I was looking for some continuity.
Jesus Christ.
Has not? What, ever? I think you'll find that is not accurate.
I wanted to be part of the private board because it seemed at the time as though that's where everyone went to talk. I wanted to talk too. I was trying to get back into the board because I remembered it as a good source of friendship.
Fucking hell. Let whoever the fuck you want into the private board. I literally no longer give a shit. It is not and will never again be to me what it was.
FFS. Carry on.
Do you feel like you personally have to know everyone in order for them to be on the private board?
Post by periwinkledaydreams on Jul 19, 2016 18:47:19 GMT -5
Everyone is entitled to their feelings, absolutely. And anyone is entitled to say what they want to say. If anyone was like "hold up why does this person have access to the board?" and gives their reasons why they disagree with that person having access, of course they can call it into question. Don't be surprised if that persons reaction is "WTF" or they are surprised or even hurt by it. I think its great that we as a board ended up taking the time to figure out what would make the most people feel comfortable and safe. I didn't know at the time that what originally spurred the whole thing was the presence on the board of one person who, if my feelings are taken into account, obviously belonged there.
Being entitled to feeling suspicion is not the same as accusing someone with no evidence. It does make people feel like crap.
What exactly were you accused of? From what I have seen its just that some were suspicious because they do not know you.
Oh no I'm referring to mrskblack11 being accused of being maxblack and people deciding that the troll was "obviously" jimbobcooter, pcrunk, or whoever. I think budders was in the right to hold off on pointing fingers until something more is figured out because everything else is speculation.
But I do think it's interesting that you are saying only some people's feelings matter. Seems like most people on the private board were all about changing the rules so @scoop could feel comfortable. I even cheerfully said I would leave the board because I wasn't trying to freak anyone out. I don't see you having a problem with that, it's only when periwinkledaydreams stood up for my feelings that suddenly it's a problem.
edited to change JBC to jimbobcooter because being called ODR felt very distancing to me.
What exactly were you accused of? From what I have seen its just that some were suspicious because they do not know you.
Oh no I'm referring to mrskblack11 being accused of being maxblack and people deciding that the troll was "obviously" jimbobcooter, pcrunk, or whoever. I think budders was in the right to hold off on pointing fingers until something more is figured out because everything else is speculation.
But I do think it's interesting that you are saying only some people's feelings matter. Seems like most people on the private board were all about changing the rules so @scoop could feel comfortable. I even cheerfully said I would leave the board because I wasn't trying to freak anyone out. I don't see you having a problem with that, it's only when periwinkledaydreams stood up for my feelings that suddenly it's a problem.
edited to change JBC to jimbobcooter because being called ODR felt very distancing to me.
It wasn't just @scoop who didn't feel comfortable on the private board. Can we get that straight?
Oh no I'm referring to mrskblack11 being accused of being maxblack and people deciding that the troll was "obviously" jimbobcooter, pcrunk, or whoever. I think budders was in the right to hold off on pointing fingers until something more is figured out because everything else is speculation.
But I do think it's interesting that you are saying only some people's feelings matter. Seems like most people on the private board were all about changing the rules so @scoop could feel comfortable. I even cheerfully said I would leave the board because I wasn't trying to freak anyone out. I don't see you having a problem with that, it's only when periwinkledaydreams stood up for my feelings that suddenly it's a problem.
edited to change JBC to jimbobcooter because being called ODR felt very distancing to me.
I'm not sure why you think it's just @scoop who wanted a change to the regulations. Yes she tends to be most vocal about it, but she is far from the only one who wanted them. I wasn't going to stop you from leaving the private board because you are an ADULT and that's your choice. And this isn't the first time I've been vocal about listening and hearing everyone feelings on the issue. See the many many revised regulations Kristykristyleelee and I spent time putting together so that YOU and everyone else could stay on private and not worry about disappearing for awhile.
I meant that you didn't have a problem with people changing the regulations because a few people had a problem with me. I apologise for my poor structuring. I saw a lot of people say they didn't have a problem with anyone on the board. I am curious if there were an actual majority vote how many people are really uncomfortable with me. But despite how many people said they had no problem with anyone on the board, they were all supportive of changing the rules. I don't have a problem with having rules for the private board. But it was asked repeatedly, what is the point of the private board if you let everyone in? It hurts to think I only count as "everyone" and not a valued member of J15. I think that's fair to say since I was one of two specific members mentioned and the other was quickly exonerated.
I do appreciate the rules that you and Kristykristyleelee put together. I know that doing stuff like that takes a lot of time and consideration for a lot of differing opinions, and it is not easy. But I don't want to be part of the private board because I fit the rules if it's going to make people uncomfortable to have me there. That defeats the purpose for everyone.
Oh no I'm referring to mrskblack11 being accused of being maxblack and people deciding that the troll was "obviously" jimbobcooter, pcrunk, or whoever. I think budders was in the right to hold off on pointing fingers until something more is figured out because everything else is speculation.
But I do think it's interesting that you are saying only some people's feelings matter. Seems like most people on the private board were all about changing the rules so @scoop could feel comfortable. I even cheerfully said I would leave the board because I wasn't trying to freak anyone out. I don't see you having a problem with that, it's only when periwinkledaydreams stood up for my feelings that suddenly it's a problem.
edited to change JBC to jimbobcooter because being called ODR felt very distancing to me.
It wasn't just @scoop who didn't feel comfortable on the private board. Can we get that straight?
Yes I got that. There were lots of love tits on her posts. I still don't understand what I did to make everyone so uncomfortable.
Wow. I feel like all of this is way too serious for what it is.
FWIW I want the private board back to do HDBD but I'm one of the few that will do it public if need be...
Like, I'm simultaneously entertained and annoyed by all of this. It's just too much.
I wonder if you would feel that way if it were you that people were uncomfortable with. It's pretty serious to me.
I'm not sure how I'd feel to be honest... I think it would be more eye roll worthy than anything. Like honestly they're uncomfortable because you didn't post for a long time, and then wanted to post again? Okay so what. That says more than them then about you. You know your own intentions. The majority of us are cool with you so who cares about a couple people?
This isn't saying I don't care about them as posters or am trying to put them down, I'm just saying how I might take it if I were accused.
I wonder if you would feel that way if it were you that people were uncomfortable with. It's pretty serious to me.
I'm not sure how I'd feel to be honest... I think it would be more eye roll worthy than anything. Like honestly they're uncomfortable because you didn't post for a long time, and then wanted to post again? Okay so what. That says more than them then about you. You know your own intentions. The majority of us are cool with you so who cares about a couple people?
This isn't saying I don't care about them as posters or am trying to put them down, I'm just saying how I might take it if I were accused.
It's hard to know the majority is fine with me.
I think the main problem I have is that my fears are coming true. I fear that people don't want me around, that I don't belong here, that I don't matter. And then some people don't want me around and say I don't belong here. So I feel like I don't matter. And it seems like more people feel comfortable posting and love-titting that they were uncomfortable with me than people saying they know who I am.
Yes I got that. There were lots of love tits on her posts. I still don't understand what I did to make everyone so uncomfortable.
You disappeared. For long periods of time. During these long periods of time many people were posting about very personal and private things. Sharing pictures, sharing parts of themselves. So it's not necessarily that you weren't trust worthy, it's that at that point in time you weren't an active member and for those of us sharing this information, it's scary that people who are not participating would want access to.
The wanting access but not participating feels weird. It feels like there are ulterior motives. I am NOT saying you had ulterior motives, I am just trying to help you understand the flip side. Why people would have an issue with an non-participatory member having access to the private board.
I wanted access because I intended to post and be part of it. And then I felt like everyone was going on fine without me and I wasn't part of anything and I wasn't missed so I didn't post after all. And then I remembered that a lot of people were nice to me here and I should try again because I am in sore need of friends--real, regular, all-the-time friends, not just that I needed to vent--and when I came back people are like whoa you're lurking. And I wasn't lurking. I feel like, I can understand what you're saying but I thought people would know me and give me the benefit of the doubt. Or if not, check my profile and see that I wasn't lurking.
I don't post pictures of my baby online for similar concerns and I don't blame anyone for being worried. But I haven't even looked at the baby pictures. I just wanted to feel part of the discussion and be a part of something again.
I'm not sure how I'd feel to be honest... I think it would be more eye roll worthy than anything. Like honestly they're uncomfortable because you didn't post for a long time, and then wanted to post again? Okay so what. That says more than them then about you. You know your own intentions. The majority of us are cool with you so who cares about a couple people?
This isn't saying I don't care about them as posters or am trying to put them down, I'm just saying how I might take it if I were accused.
It's hard to know the majority is fine with me.
I think the main problem I have is that my fears are coming true. I fear that people don't want me around, that I don't belong here, that I don't matter. And then some people don't want me around and say I don't belong here. So I feel like I don't matter. And it seems like more people feel comfortable posting and love-titting that they were uncomfortable with me than people saying they know who I am.
I think you're great. I like it when you post. You matter to me, and I think you belong here. When you don't post for a while, I worry about you a little. But please stay.
Admins help?Jul 19, 2016 19:48:19 GMT -5via mobile
Post by erbear on Jul 19, 2016 19:48:19 GMT -5
ombradellarosa I also like you and I've worried about you. I wish you'd post more again, because you are one of the old members.
But like KKLL said, you have to understand how some people were weirded out by you joining and not posting for what, three months? Not even a "hi guys, I'm on here now". We're not an intimidating bunch and you have friends here, so yeah.
Post by periwinkledaydreams on Jul 19, 2016 19:50:11 GMT -5
I can't speak for anyone but myself. I see a person we (many of us, but not all I understand) got to know, came to be friends with, who went through a hard time. I see her check back in when she could, when the shit she was going through didn't make coming here too difficult. I see a friend in need of kindness. I understand and respect anyone's concerns for privacy, and I'm not advocating that we don't valuable those concerns. I don't need ombradellarosa to be given acccess to the private board, its not about that for me. I just don't see why she'd be approached with anything but an effort towards undertanding. I'm just advocating for kindness.
I haven't said much on this matter because I often feel I struggle to make myself understood in a coherent and eloquent manner. I've been thinking about this for days and have some very strong feelings which makes it harder to be concise.
Here it goes: 1. ombradellarosa, I like you a lot and personally have no problems with you being on the private board. As someone who has dealt with depression I can imagine what you are going through and how hard it is to post.
2. That being said I believe this is a community and majority rules @badwolf321, I love how you explained things, I felt like this was a very reasonable concern and that you weren't "tilting at windmills". I also felt you were very respectful. I didn't have security concerns but can understand that other people do.
3. I do believe that we need some rules or guidelines for a private board, if only to save ourselves from having this fight every time someone disagrees. I hate that budders and Jimbob had to deal with some of this and hate that @jemomma and Kristykristyleelee, are now dealing with it.
I feel that @jemomma and Kristykristyleelee, did a good job with the rules, will it keep us completely safe? No I don't believe there is any such thing but I think it will help with consistency.
ombradellarosa, please feel free to pm me if you ever need someone to listen and don't feel you can post on the board.
What exactly were you accused of? From what I have seen its just that some were suspicious because they do not know you.
Oh no I'm referring to mrskblack11 being accused of being maxblack and people deciding that the troll was "obviously" jimbobcooter, pcrunk, or whoever. I think budders was in the right to hold off on pointing fingers until something more is figured out because everything else is speculation.
But I do think it's interesting that you are saying only some people's feelings matter. Seems like most people on the private board were all about changing the rules so @scoop could feel comfortable. I even cheerfully said I would leave the board because I wasn't trying to freak anyone out. I don't see you having a problem with that, it's only when periwinkledaydreams stood up for my feelings that suddenly it's a problem.
edited to change JBC to jimbobcooter because being called ODR felt very distancing to me.
I love how all of a sudden you have feels here when you have lent zero support to many of us in the past 9 months. Recent loss moms, job loss, stressful moves, relationship issues. You are not the only one in pain
Post by ombradellarosa on Jul 19, 2016 21:26:10 GMT -5
Not quoting everything individually because I don't want to distract from theo's post.
Thank you wegrowsheep . That really helps. I need to hear that specifically so thank you for patiently spelling it out.
Thank you @erbear. I'm trying! I miss being a part of things here. There's nothing like having people who know what you're going through and since I lost my IRL J15 friend I have been suffering for that more than usual. I guess I can see how I looked like a lurker but it was so bad. You have to understand, it's not that you're intimidating, it's my brain. My brain said "They don't miss you, they don't need you, you don't fit in here." I didn't see any place to post a "Hi I'm here" I didn't see the member list until when I came back. It didn't make sense to me to post an intro since I wasn't new and I just really didn't know what to do so I gave up in despair and yes, peaced out for a few months while more crap happened IRL.
Thank you periwinkledaydreams , I wouldn't have minded so much that people had concerns, it was the callous manner in which I was discussed that hurt my feelings so much. It was the air of suspicion and disregard for me as a person that made me feel unwanted.
@badwolf321 I am in favor of rules across the board. I am definitely a rule follower. I definitely appreciate your explanation. This is the first time I've seen how my sporadic posting could be a threat to someone. I just don't know what to do about it.
Bluedaisy thank you for that. It is really hard and I keep having experiences where my fears come true and it turns out people really don't like me. I agree that the rules ended up being very inclusive. It's not the rules I have a problem with but just that I showed up and the tinfoil hats came out. I felt like:
Oh no I'm referring to mrskblack11 being accused of being maxblack and people deciding that the troll was "obviously" jimbobcooter, pcrunk, or whoever. I think budders was in the right to hold off on pointing fingers until something more is figured out because everything else is speculation.
But I do think it's interesting that you are saying only some people's feelings matter. Seems like most people on the private board were all about changing the rules so @scoop could feel comfortable. I even cheerfully said I would leave the board because I wasn't trying to freak anyone out. I don't see you having a problem with that, it's only when periwinkledaydreams stood up for my feelings that suddenly it's a problem.
edited to change JBC to jimbobcooter because being called ODR felt very distancing to me.
I love how all of a sudden you have feels here when you have lent zero support to many of us in the past 9 months. Recent loss moms, job loss, stressful moves, relationship issues. You are not the only one in pain
I'm not sure what to do with this. First of all I don't know what you mean by I have feels here, I can think of a few possible interpretations and I don't want to take the wrong meaning.
I have never claimed to be the only one in pain. One of the main reasons I stayed away was that I felt too drained to offer anything and I was ashamed of the selfish nature resulting from my depression so I didn't post very often. I felt like a burden when I did post. I stayed out of most threads because of triggers.
So the support I offered before that means nothing? I'm not allowed to come back and try to get back into things so I can offer support again? I don't follow your logic.
I love how all of a sudden you have feels here when you have lent zero support to many of us in the past 9 months. Recent loss moms, job loss, stressful moves, relationship issues. You are not the only one in pain
I'm not sure what to do with this. First of all I don't know what you mean by I have feels here, I can think of a few possible interpretations and I don't want to take the wrong meaning.
I have never claimed to be the only one in pain. One of the main reasons I stayed away was that I felt too drained to offer anything and I was ashamed of the selfish nature resulting from my depression so I didn't post very often. I felt like a burden when I did post. I stayed out of most threads because of triggers.
So the support I offered before that means nothing? I'm not allowed to come back and try to get back into things so I can offer support again? I don't follow your logic.
I'm speaking in regard to the fact that we have threads on the private board that go through personal issues that we all are struggling with.recent loss, husbands leaving; eating disorders and you give zero love tap for support or any encouragement then you just announce on a thread one day ' hi ladies I love to talk about myself!' Do you not at all see how that would be from left field for many of us that are recently going through problems that you give zero support to?
Post by mrsdee1982 on Jul 19, 2016 22:21:35 GMT -5
Guys, I really feel like we're beating a dead horse here. ombradellarosa has explained why she disappeared and then reappeared. Various members, not just @scoop, have explained why that made them uncomfortable. Kristykristyleelee & @jemomma have come up with a set of proposed rules that the majority of the group has agreed upon. Admin is reviewing said rules.
I REALLY think we need to move the fuck on from this or our little community, that we've worked SO hard to establish and worked SO hard to protect is going to implode around us.
Guys, I really feel like we're beating a dead horse here. ombradellarosa has explained why she disappeared and then reappeared. Various members, not just @scoop, have explained why that made them uncomfortable. Kristykristyleelee & @jemomma have come up with a set of proposed rules that the majority of the group has agreed upon. Admin is reviewing said rules.
I REALLY think we need to move the fuck on from this or our little community, that we've worked SO hard to establish and worked SO hard to protect is going to implode around us.
Hey, this discussion literally just started a few hours ago and I'm just reading this thread catching up on everyone's opinions. I feel like it's valuable for O (sorry from mobile I can't see your whole user name) to know that there are additional members that were turned off by her treatment of us and why since she was asking why. I'm just laying it all out on the table. She also asked me a specific question so rather then ignore her I responded.
Post by mrsdee1982 on Jul 19, 2016 22:45:25 GMT -5
Well, to be fair, I meant move the fuck on from the WHOLE thing, not just the ombradellarosa thing. It just kind of feels like this has been a very tense and hostel place, pretty much ever since we started having issues on the PB about a week ago. That is not us. That is not our community. We are a group of loving women who support each other. And I am afraid that our community is going to crumble if we don't just pick up the pieces, brush off our shoulders and MOVE ON. Start a new private board. Use the new regulations that KKL and Jem came up with. IF you want to be a part and feel comfortable, great! If not, well, no one is forcing you to participate in the PB. But I think we, as a board, as a community, just need to move on past this.
Admins help?Jul 19, 2016 22:50:50 GMT -5via mobile
Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2016 22:50:50 GMT -5
mrsdee1982 point talked but in all fairness we just today found out who the troll was and just hours ago O expressed her feelings so some of us are processing this new information. to me the beating dead horse statement is left field considering everything that happened TODAY.
@poppyc8, I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not ombradellarosa, should be on the board and I understand where you're coming from. I can understand that it can be difficult to swallow when someone seems to offer no support but needs support. I do want to say that having been in her shoes before I know that you can feel that you have nothing to give and what you say or do doesn't matter. You get to a place where you feel like no one would even notice if something happened to you and then you start to second guess everything you say or do, you constantly think what you say will make people hate you, you type things and then delete.
I'm in a good place now and can see how this seems totally crazy and unbelievable, I mean how hard is it to hit the little like button right? But you get so in your own head you totally over-analyze that until you can't do it because you worry it's the wrong thing.
I'm not trying to white knight here, I just see a lot of myself in O and think that if I was in a rough place I might not be able to articulate why I couldn't give support.
And please @poppyc8, don't see this as an attack on you, I in no way mean it that way at all, I adore you.
Post by ombradellarosa on Jul 19, 2016 23:07:22 GMT -5
That's exactly what it's like and not trying to beat a dead horse more because I agree with mrsdee1982 , but I have said before that I posted as soon as I came back. I didn't read or do anything on the private board before that. I looked at thread titles and got overwhelmed and left. So, sorry for not LTing. Idk that anything I had done would be acceptable. I can't lurk, I'm supposed to post as soon as I get there but I did that and now I didn't offer support. I thought I was supposed to AMA but I knew that bit about talking about myself would bite me in the butt. This is why I don't post!
ETA: I agree with @poppyc8 too though I feel like I keep saying the same thing but it has been a short timespan since I posted back.
Admins help?Jul 19, 2016 23:29:18 GMT -5via mobile
Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2016 23:29:18 GMT -5
Bluedaisy I actually never said O should not be on the private board and in the poll I voted for no rules for entry and I wrote a post explaining why no rules. However this doesn't mean that I was not hurt or bothered by her complete lack of support in the last 9 months when we have all experienced hardship.
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