TTMA Returning to Work

[iheartbroccoli]

Big hugs. I took about 8 weeks off from work (my maternity leave was supposed to be 3 months).

I had reservations about bringing in a picture of Theo to work. I didn't feel like my coworkers deserve to see him, still feel that way actually. So my therapist recommended I bring in something that is symbolic of Theo, and for that is koala bears. My desktop background is a koala bear and when people comment they like it, I take it as a compliment of Theo.

I would bring headphones so you can put them in and tune everyone out if you need to. I sent out an email to coworkers I was close with, letting them know how I would like to be treated (was I ok with being asked about Theo, what to do if I had my headphones in, etc). Some listened, some didn't.

At first I found work a great distraction, but soon I began having a hard time concentrating. So I started doing work in short spurts. I.E. work for an hour, take a 5 minute break. I bribe myself to get stuff done, and sometimes I scare myself into thinking my boss will fire me if I don't finish the project. I keep gum on hand as that helps me concentrate sometimes. Sometimes these don't work. And when that happens I tell my boss I'm going on an extended lunch. Fortunately my boss is flexible.

If you have an understanding boss, I would keep him in the loop (to an extent) about how you're doing. I saw a decrease in my productivity at work and my boss cut me some slack because I kept him in the loop.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. Do whatever you need to do. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Big hugs.

[iheartbroccoli]

And I'm sorry for how HR treated you. Hugs

[rslh10]

**lc mentioned in context kinda?**

I am a SAHM so I didn't "have to go back" after X time, I had to go back immediately if that makes sense? It was hard. SO HARD. It's still hard to this day. My husband however said that going to work was a welcomed distraction for him.

As for a photo, don't beat yourself up. It's 7 months this Thursday and I JUST put Kenley's photo on my night stand. (((Hugs)))

[flutterfly88]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the problems with HR. (((hugs))) I went back 4 weeks after my son was born. It was so hard (I work with young children too, so had to be engaged the whole time I was there. My first week back I did half days, in the middle of the day (mostly to avoid the parents as much as I could). I like iheartbroccoli's idea of having something to represent Ethan if you're not ready to have his picture on your desk.

[shandorfml2]

Big hugs. It was so hard to go back to work. I also took 6 weeks off. I'm sorry HR is being an ass. I struggled with people getting it once I returned to work. Remember, you can always take a break. I took a couple mental health days in the beginning. I would go lock myself in the bathroom stall or my office and cry when I needed to. It will get easier after those first couple of weeks

[mommytoava]

Sorry your HR is giving you a hard time. . I went back to work two weeks after Ava passed/ I couldn't stand to be at home and it gave me something to distract myself. My supervisor offered to take down my pictures before I came back but I declined. It's hard enough not having her here, I couldn't not see her pictures.

[peaseblossom55]

Sorry HR is giving you a tough time. The last time I went back to work about a month later. I almost welcomed going back to work keeping my mind busy. I work for a small team and my boss and everyone were so supportive. This time I am on bed rest for at least 2 weeks so we will see when I return I am trying to find out too if I can work from home as well at least a few days a week.

[rslh10]

cardhard I hope tomorrow goes very smooth for you ((hugs)) I've been thinking of you all week.

[heartpresidents]

cardhard, Good luck today! Do you work in an environment where you can pop on to a loss board or email during the day? That helped me a lot during the first few days, being able to find quick support during the day. I work at a desk, so I'd put my headphones in, sometimes stream videos on my phone to distract me, and just ignore everyone. I also had a couple of close coworkers whose offices or cubes I'd hide in if I was trying to avoid a group in the cafeteria or something.

At the end of the day, just do whatever it is you need to do to get through. That might change each day.

Please post or send a direct message if you need to vent or talk throughout the day! I'll check in!

[bananas22]

I haven't gone back to work yet, so I can't give any advice, but I hope your day went well today.

[rslh10]

cardhard I'm so glad it went better than expected. Im pretty sure most (99%) of people don't know what to say to someone after a loss of this magnitude. It makes them uncomfortable (so fucking what- I'm uncomfortable every day!!) and they just avoid the subject, but as time goes on I'm so hopeful that people will approach you and talk about Ethan. Maybe if you put his photo on your desk (if this is possible) or something like that, they might feel it's "ok" to talk about him. I hope you know what I mean...I just mean that people suck when it comes to supporting us after our losses. The "normal" people, anyway. They just can't "ever imagine" the pain you're going through so they literally don't...to keep themselves happy. Ethan was and is very real; a huge part of your life--your son.

I love to talk about Kenley, and IDGAF if I make someone uncomfortable

I would love to talk about Ethan with you. Please feel free to talk about him to me (and I'm sure this entire board) ANYTIME! We love you and him (((hugs))) for the first day back. You're such a strong momma, Ethan is so very proud of you.

[heartpresidents]

I agree with rslh10, people just don't know what to do around loss. Some people still get weird if I bring up Lincoln. It's frustrating, but I'm not going to stop doing it.

But I do remember after a few weeks at work a couple of people I wasn't close with, who I wouldn't have expected to say anything, made it a point to tell me they were sorry and that I was incredibly strong. One of them even said it took them awhile to get the nerve to talk to me about it, they didn't know how to. I guess I wonder if there are people at your work like that, who just don't know what to do yet.

Either way, great job getting through the first day!

[rslh10]

cardhard I'm glad you went to a group. I know a few ladies who go and say it helps. I couldn't, I would cry the entire time. I can do therapy though. (((Hugs)))

[heartpresidents]

cardhard,So glad the grief group was helpful! There's nothing like talking to others who truly understand.