I gave Pobre ehugs, so fuck me. In no way shape or form am I saying what she did was right or ok. I do not condone cheating. I have a shit ton of thoughts regarding cheating but really what point does it fucking serve now? The deed and damage are done. She's now dealing with the fall out. I don't feel bad for her having to deal with the consequences of her actions. However, I can still support her as she navigates this new life. I think about Pobre daily even though I might not say it. Whatever. No where does it make me a bad person for not cutting her out of my e-life because of an infidelity.
Whoa I don't think anyone should cut pobre out of their life. I do not think that in any way, shape or form and I sincerely apologize if you or anyone else thought I was saying that. I believe in redemption for people and I do not think any of us are above making mistakes, let me be clear about that. I value forgiveness and redemption above nearly everything.
As far as what purpose does it serve to discuss it or flame it? None really - no more than it does any other time we've flamed others for their actions that have already been done. Though I suppose openly discussing things can (hopefully) help others learn from those experiences and let it guide them in the future if they are in a similar situation.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
This is the same place that if a poster posts their husband was inappropriately texting someone, responses range from burn that bitch down to counseling.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I am not saying drag anyone over the coals however, she confessed attraction a long time ago. She confessed being invited out for drinks. Every one was like shut it down, don't go, etc. So clearly she made a choice and a line was crossed somewhere. This was not anything done to her. The comments like you can't help this and can't help that are patronizing. People make choices.
It should not matter if someone has dealt with infidelity or not. That has nothing to do with what another motherfucker has done. Like is that some defense mechanism?!
Just last night a poster shared something about marriage counseling and several people were like, "Girl it couldn't be me" and other comments that could be received as belittling.
I am not telling anyone how to feel or what to do. However, I am damn sure saying you can't get mad a bitch cause she isn't all "well girl mistakes happen" and rah rah about the shit. Maybe some people will get there. Maybe some never will. I mean didn't you all just say yesterday, you can't dictate how someone feels?
There are no sides here FFS. You fucked up. Mistakes don't define you. It's what you do after you have made the mistake that makes all the difference. No one said she was a bad person. However, let's not act like she didn't fuck up royally.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
This is the same place that if a poster posts their husband was inappropriately texting someone, responses range from burn that bitch down to counseling.
So yeah...
I hear what you are saying, but in this case we already know that counseling is happening, that what has been done is known, and that steps are being taken to fix the wrongs. So it didn't need to be said.
I don't know that. I know she goes solo. I don't know there are steps to fix anything. Nor am I saying I need to.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
So yeah, I once confessed to thinking about calling an ex when I first got to TX simple due to lack of attention and boredom. I also stated that I didn't cause I knew that it wouldn't be for drinks etc. we would fuck. That doesn't make me a strong person. That makes me a person that recognized temptation and ran like hell cause I didn't want to fuck up.
PDQ - if one of you quotes it I will burn this bitch down
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I once told someone this IRL and I will leave it here -
You need to evaluate yourself and think to your self, how are you carrying yourself that gives the impression that you are approachable? That you are ok to flirt with? That it is ok to suggest certain things to you? You need to think about that and acknowledge that. People are surrounded by opportunities and temptations all day. But what are you doing or not doing in how you move around in the world? How are you portraying yourself to others? Only you know the answers. If you are honest with yourself the answers are very clear.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I gave Pobre ehugs, so fuck me. In no way shape or form am I saying what she did was right or ok. I do not condone cheating. I have a shit ton of thoughts regarding cheating but really what point does it fucking serve now? The deed and damage are done. She's now dealing with the fall out. I don't feel bad for her having to deal with the consequences of her actions. However, I can still support her as she navigates this new life. I think about Pobre daily even though I might not say it. Whatever. No where does it make me a bad person for not cutting her out of my e-life because of an infidelity.
I don't think anyone is saying cut her out of anyone's live. I think the opposite side is saying that a lot of people are taking it easy on her. Easier than other people would've received. The reg/not reg has been discussed. And much easier than she herself would have went on someone.
Yes she is dealing with the consequences. Some of that consequences will be here. When you tell a room full of married women that you slept with a married man hackles are going to be raised.
Throw in people who have been the one cheated on or affected by cheating and you will get personal bias. I can support her as much as someone she never really interact can support her but I think there are valid points.
Did I miss where she said this?
Here is my take. I was not on here last night, but I probably would have lent support to Pobre because she is my friend. The difference between a reg and someone just coming in to drop this bomb is that we have seen Pobre struggle with her feelings for months without even knowing all the details. She was taking steps before to see if she was unhappy with herself or just in her marriage. Unfortunately falling out of love happens sometimes.
Do I agree with even an emotional affair no because to me that is even worse than physical, but it isn't like she is all well I found someone else so I am divorcing because you can tell by her post that is not the case. She is torn up about the divorce and you can tell. And yes the guy is married, but it isn't like Pobre forced herself on him.
I once told someone this IRL and I will leave it here -
You need to evaluate yourself and think to your self, how are you carrying yourself that gives the impression that you are approachable? That you are ok to flirt with? That it is ok to suggest certain things to you? You need to think about that and acknowledge that. People are surrounded by opportunities and temptations all day. But what are you doing or not doing in how you move around in the world? How are you portraying yourself to others? Only you know the answers. If you are honest with yourself the answers are very clear.
EDIT: Okay but this is bordering on victim blaming, not really slut shaming as I first said. Anyway - it makes me feel a bit squicky because people get hit on and cat called and such and it's not their fault
I will also say that I love Brux and I hope that she comes back. She is more than welcome to her own feelings and to not have her own personal life brought in.
Okay but to be fair, I didn't have any of this backstory. All she said was "I'm getting a divorce because I fell in love with someone else". And she said it on a thread specifically dedicated to flamings as though she almost wanted to be reprimanded. Shrug.
Anyway, I don't really care one way or another, just having a conversation about cheating in general.
I guess you don't see the irony here. You're asking for consideration or benegfit of the doubt because you didn't know the back story, but you aren't giving the same consideration or benefit of the doubt to the responses of people who do know it.
I don't think there have to be sides. I'm sad for everyone who's been hurt here.
You're right. Everyone resume their normal reactions, lol.
Then I will unsink. I'm not sure who you think I'm showing favoritism for though because honestly if this had occurred in its own thread I'm almost positive it would have been requested that I (or a mod) would have deleted it by now and we would have because TCF policy is that we will delete a thread for a poster if it is about a personal matter in their life. Then no one would be processing or even having a chance to respond, but that has been our policy for all members regs, non-regs, etc and we've always handled it quickly.
You said yourself something to the effect of its upsetting that people you like (I'm paraphrasing) GBCTCF - and I think that's where the favoritism comes in. Would you be doing the same thing if it was just some random and/or someone you didn't really care about?
McBenny, You said yourself that we told pobre to shut it down. Not one person was all go on pobre it is ok, but it happened I am glad that you were able to let go and fight temptation, but if I remember correctly you were fine in your marriage and you weren't having doubts. That temptation can sometimes be hard to fight when you want to feel any kind of happiness.
I once told someone this IRL and I will leave it here -
You need to evaluate yourself and think to your self, how are you carrying yourself that gives the impression that you are approachable? That you are ok to flirt with? That it is ok to suggest certain things to you? You need to think about that and acknowledge that. People are surrounded by opportunities and temptations all day. But what are you doing or not doing in how you move around in the world? How are you portraying yourself to others? Only you know the answers. If you are honest with yourself the answers are very clear.
EDIT: Okay but this is bordering on victim blaming, not really slut shaming as I first said. Anyway - it makes me feel a bit squicky because people get hit on and cat called and such and it's not their fault
Like I can't even entertain what you are saying. Also how is she a victim?
Yes people get hit on, then what? Are you he he laughing about it? Shut it down?
I feel in every circumstance there is some self evaluation that can be taken. Just you and yourself. If you acted professionally at all times and it was just that person then that's what it is. If you can see where you didn't act professionally at all times, then that's when you learn.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
EDIT: Okay but this is bordering on victim blaming, not really slut shaming as I first said. Anyway - it makes me feel a bit squicky because people get hit on and cat called and such and it's not their fault
Like I can't even entertain what you are saying. Also how is she a victim?
Yes people get hit on, then what? Are you he he laughing about it? Shut it down?
I feel in every circumstance there is some self evaluation that can be taken. Just you and yourself. If you acted professionally at all times and it was just that person then that's what it is. If you can see where you didn't act professionally at all times, then that's when you learn.
I don't mean pobre specifically - just the part about "what gives the impression that you are approachable? That you are ok to flirt with?" - I think that women (and men) get hit on in the workplace and it's no fault of their own. That's why sexual harassment is a thing. Now, how we react or respond is within our control - but I don't think a person has to put out a "vibe" in order to be hit on.
Also, to make this all about me, I feel fucking vindicated for last year when I was so dismissed after saying cheating ruins lives. I don't mean ruin forever but man does it feel like it in the moment.
It definitely has the power to ruin the lives for some. It sure as shit destroyed my ex-BIL's life.
You said yourself something to the effect of its upsetting that people you like (I'm paraphrasing) GBCTCF - and I think that's where the favoritism comes in. Would you be doing the same thing if it was just some random and/or someone you didn't really care about?
I'm not going to continue to argue it. I did what I felt was right with the information I have. People disagreed so I changed it and unsunk the thread. Is there something more you would like me to say or do right now?
No? You said you weren't sure who you were showing favoritism to. I responded, as commenters on message boards tend to do.
I think some of you need to go back and read the responses, a few were very...I don't even have the words.
I read them and yes I agree some were not what I was expecting, but just like Brux is allowed to have her opinion so are others.
I also think that some of us who have been cheated on in the past can take things a little harder than those who have never dealt with it. That being said I can take my own personal feelings about cheating out of the equation. Do I think Pobre was right in what she did absolutely not, but I can still support her obvious remorse and emotion about the situation and not make her feel worse than she already does just because I was cheated on in the past.
I think some of you need to go back and read the responses, a few were very...I don't even have the words.
I agree with this. But it was a few, not the majority. I only point this out because it's so easy to talk about "The board" when the board is made up of different people with different view points.
I said this last night and will reiterate it again, that I think the honesty and the genuineness that I see in this thread, and most threads on Parenting, is impressive. I do not thinking cheating is ok or should get a pass. I think human beings are fallable and the world is not black and white or always all that easy to navigate. I choose to support pobre as a human being who I respect and who I care about, despite her mistakes.
My last marriage ended in part because of my partner's cheating on me. If I'm being 100% honest, my partner is a human being who deserves happiness and made a huge and hurtful mistake seeking out that happiness. If I'm being 100% honest, I hope my partner had people in her life who supported her through those mistakes because she is a human being who needed support. That being said, I don't like her and I don't forgive her and I don't have to.
I hope this comment is contributing constructively.
---- 39 years old, MH is 43 TTC since 2010; Dx Unexplained Infertility; possible male factor 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, 1 mmc, 1 CP Started Adoption process Feb 2015, officially waiting July 2015
@ftwr I'm sorry about the job. I know I am way late but you are local to me, right? Send me your resume, my H is always looking for IT people and he has a solid network of other govt contractors he can pass it to (Or, if that's way creepy, just ignore me)
She was taking steps before to see if she was unhappy with herself or just in her marriage. Unfortunately falling out of love happens sometimes.
Do I agree with even an emotional affair no because to me that is even worse than physical, but it isn't like she is all well I found someone else so I am divorcing because you can tell by her post that is not the case. She is torn up about the divorce and you can tell. And yes the guy is married, but it isn't like Pobre forced herself on him.
You can't evaluate your marriage while having another relationship so I don't know what steps were actually taken. For me (and this is only my opinion) taking steps would include cutting off communication with the outside person.
I can't tell what you can tell. I am not saying you are wrong. I am not saying I am right. I am saying maybe you have more info.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
She was taking steps before to see if she was unhappy with herself or just in her marriage. Unfortunately falling out of love happens sometimes.
Do I agree with even an emotional affair no because to me that is even worse than physical, but it isn't like she is all well I found someone else so I am divorcing because you can tell by her post that is not the case. She is torn up about the divorce and you can tell. And yes the guy is married, but it isn't like Pobre forced herself on him.
You can't evaluate your marriage while having another relationship so I don't know what steps were actually taken. For me (and this is only my opinion) taking steps would include cutting off communication with the outside person.
I can't tell what you can tell. I am not saying you are wrong. I am not saying I am right. I am saying maybe you have more info.
I honestly am just going off what is posted here. I don't talk to anyone in real life.
I get what you are saying about evaluating a marriage while with another person
@ftwr I'm sorry about the job. I know I am way late but you are local to me, right? Send me your resume, my H is always looking for IT people and he has a solid network of other govt contractors he can pass it to (Or, if that's way creepy, just ignore me)
It's not creepy and thank you for your offer! I am, however, Midwest FOREVA, and @sterling has already claimed me.
Thank you for your thoughts. I spoke with the VP of IT this morning and he's going to counter my original request. We'll see what happens.
Like I can't even entertain what you are saying. Also how is she a victim?
Yes people get hit on, then what? Are you he he laughing about it? Shut it down?
I feel in every circumstance there is some self evaluation that can be taken. Just you and yourself. If you acted professionally at all times and it was just that person then that's what it is. If you can see where you didn't act professionally at all times, then that's when you learn.
I don't mean pobre specifically - just the part about "what gives the impression that you are approachable? That you are ok to flirt with?" - I think that women (and men) get hit on in the workplace and it's no fault of their own. That's why sexual harassment is a thing. Now, how we react or respond is within our control - but I don't think a person has to put out a "vibe" in order to be hit on.
I agree and maybe I should have made it more clear about reaction and I wasn't saying you're emitting waves or anything. I also didn't feel on a board of adults I needed to clarify every little thing. I would have never thought anyone would have said victim shaming in a million years for example.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
No? You said you weren't sure who you were showing favoritism to. I responded, as commenters on message boards tend to do.
Ok. I didn't want to just not respond to your questions, but I'm battling what looks like it will be a three day migraine right now. I'm going to see myself out of the thread.
Sending you dimly lit rooms and soft spa music. Hope you feel better soon.
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