My Maury Povich Life

[kkry123]

Lunch break. Now I have a bit of time to spill my guts.

I'll try to do the reader's digest version and answer questions as they come up.

April of last year, my DH and I found out that he has a four year old daughter he never knew existed. I, was served with child support papers for him. (Please envision the meltdown that happened here)

This one night stand happened before DH and I ever met, actually nine months before we met oddly enough, as her birthday is 3 days before we went on our first date. She turns 5 this May.

After a DNA test, and many court hearings, we now see his daughter regularly, and she's getting to know our family.

The only reason baby mama offered up as to not finding him from day one was, "she was going to do it on her own."

Obviously, that worked out well for her. (Side eye)

For months, I built up in my head this terrible person she must be to keep this girl from DH all these years. I had all sorts of scenarios of the type of person she was. I'm happy to say I'm wrong, and baby mama is not a terrible person. She's a good person that made a terrible mistake many years ago by not telling DH she was pregnant.

Anyway, as terrible as the situation started, it's turned out as good as it possibly can. DD is adjusting very well, and loves her baby brother.

I, however, have my good days and bad days. DH did not intentionally do this to hurt me, I know that. I just find myself feeling so resentful. Not directly towards him, but at the situation in general, and a a lot still at baby mama.

You make a commitment to someone, thinking things are one way, then bam, nothing is as it seems.

This is as hard on DH, if not harder (he missed so many firsts!), as it is on me. I know that. I just sit here and think, this is turning out as good as it can - why do I still feel so angry?

Time will help I'm sure, but almost a year later, and sometimes I'm still as angry as day one.

I've had a lot of resentful feelings this last week, I just wish I could shake them.

Thanks for being a sounding board, ladies.

[JoeLies]

So many hugs.

Oddly enough, a friend of mine has been in this same situation. Well except the baby mama is unstable and they didn't learn about the daughter until she was maybe 8 or so. She's in her 20s now and although it's been tough - especially in the early years - they are such a happy, tight-knit family.

I know that's anecdotal and doesn't change anything, and I don't blame you for feeling how you do. Just keep reminding yourself that this is news to your H as well. And take one day at a time.

[trtlcrzy]

What a mind fuck for you. My BFF's ex-boyfriend had the same thing happen to him, except his little boy was 9 months old when baby mama finally reached out to him. I'm sure it's a very tough situation for you to be in. I don't know if there is anything that anyone can say that will make it better for you. I hope you can come to peace with it sooner rather than later.

[kkry123]

Thanks, JoeLies - it actually helps hearing of others in a similar situation...feels a little less alone, you know? It's definitely a one day at a time situation. I can't imagine what it's like for DH to just find out that there's been a little girl with his DNA running around out there for four years. And her personality is a lot like his. It's crazy.

[JEMandtheHolograms]

Many hugs, I cannot even imagine. However, your feelings are normal and okay to have. Its okay to be upset/bothered/whatever at a situation and still know it isn't your husband's 'fault'.

Can you swing talking to a therapist or counselor? It's a lot to handle, and on top of that you need to be there for your DH and this child. Holy crap that is a lot on your plate. I hope you are able to find peace but never feel guilty for any 'bad' feelings you may have, just find an outlet for them (therapy, the gym, whatever).

And hopefully, get to a place where you can enjoy all these new memories and opportunities you were given by the baby mamma, which is a step daughter (did I get that right) that you can love and will love you back. Kids are pretty cool like that.

[Deleted]

Wow, that would be a huge shocker.

First, you are amazing to have embraced and accepted the situation. I think your marriage is incredibly strong.

I think the feelings you are having are completely normal. I don't have any personal experience or advice, besides to echo what others have said and make sure you find an outlet for your frustration and talk to your H about how you feel rather than keeping it inside.

[kkry123]

Feb 10, 2015 14:41:59 GMT -5 JEMandtheHolograms said:

Many hugs, I cannot even imagine. However, your feelings are normal and okay to have. Its okay to be upset/bothered/whatever at a situation and still know it isn't your husband's 'fault'.

Can you swing talking to a therapist or counselor? It's a lot to handle, and on top of that you need to be there for your DH and this child. Holy crap that is a lot on your plate. I hope you are able to find peace but never feel guilty for any 'bad' feelings you may have, just find an outlet for them (therapy, the gym, whatever).

And hopefully, get to a place where you can enjoy all these new memories and opportunities you were given by the baby mamma, which is a step daughter (did I get that right) that you can love and will love you back. Kids are pretty cool like that.

I have thought about seeing a counselor, an unbiased, professional ear could help. I just haven't looked into it.

I do enjoy spending time with K (step daughter). She's smart, and funny. She can definitely talk my ear off, and she has a big imagination. She enjoys spending time with us too, her mom always tells us she comes home talking about what a great time she had.

[rebeccag428]

Omg. Wow. I'm so sorry. This has to hard to come to terms with. I would just take it one day at a time.

[finnaroo]

Wow. That's a lot to have dropped in your lap.

I agree about the counseling. I think that most people would feel the way that you do. A counselor would enable to help you sort through those emotions so that you don't resent him for it.

[LizInFL]

Feb 10, 2015 14:54:02 GMT -5 @elvk583 said:

Wow, that would be a huge shocker.

First, you are amazing to have embraced and accepted the situation. I think your marriage is incredibly strong.

I think the feelings you are having are completely normal. I don't have any personal experience or advice, besides to echo what others have said and make sure you find an outlet for your frustration and talk to your H about how you feel rather than keeping it inside.

This exactly. No personal experience, but I don't think you're a terrible person at all for sometimes feeling resentful or just like, "WTF?!". That kind of news would be such a surprise, and would introduce a lot of issues into your marriage/family that you probably never dreamed of having to deal with. Sounds like you and your H are handling things well, but maybe having that outlet to talk things over with a neutral party would be a help to you.  

[JoeLies]

One more thing though: I hope you realize that you are being incredible about this situation, regardless of your (understandably) mixed emotions. It sounds like you are being an excellent step parent and dealing with your SD's Mother in an incredibly mature way. That little girl is really lucky to have such an excellent "bonus Mom".

[xolastunicornxo]

Wow, what a crazy situation! I don't have any experience, but I just wanted to say I think your feelings are completely valid, and I think you are handling the while situation very well. Counseling would be a great option to give you guys someone outside of the situation to vent your feelings too.

[kkry123]

Thank you, everyone. Your advice and support really means a lot. Your kind words make me feel a little stronger to power through. I'm definitely doing my best with the cards I've been dealt.

[kfran84]

kkry123 This is my family. My parents found out my dad had fathered a child in high school... at their 10 year reunion. So my sister was 10. My sister's mom's friend handed my mom a school photo of my sister and she knew instantly that it was his daughter. They never did a paternity test.

It was kind of the same deal.. her mom just ran off and had her and then moved across the country and never told anyone what was up.

Anyway, she's been part of our family for 25 years now and lived with us for about 6 months at one point. My mom is so awesome, she said she loved her from the moment she met her because she was our sister. My mom actually had a half-sibling that she never knew and I know that bothers her so she very fully embraced the whole "Hey, I have another daughter" thing.

I know there are some complicated emotions for us all, especially when my sister is being a pain in the ass, but it's just part of the family as far as we are all concerned. I have some jealousy issues with it, to be honest, but that's just my own shortcoming that I need to deal with and reflects more on my selfishness than the situation at large. My dad and her mom actually got along pretty well until just really recently so that was helpful because we could all vacation together and all that.

[kkry123]

kfran84 thank you for sharing your story. One thing is for sure, I do not harbor any resentment towards SD. This was not her choice. From the moment I met her, I just wanted to swoop her up in a big hug. Because she is part of my H and she is M's sister. She's a vivacious, sweet little girl, and I treat her as if she were my own child. I think one thing that's helped me adjust to my roll as step mom is that I was already a mother when this happened. I think that's really helped me absorb and adjust to all this.

What's funny, is that this isn't my first rodeo with a half sibling appearing. My mom and dad were separated briefly, and my dad got another woman pregnant, so I have a half brother. Difference is, my dad knew about him from day one, so was immediately an active part in his life. Unfortunately, his mom was more interested in being a parent than a friend, and he ended up getting in a lot of legal trouble in his teens and into adulthood. He didn't want to spend time at our house because my dad had rules (such as a curfew). Sadly, I haven't heard from him in about 5ish years now...we used to keep in touch but then he fell off the radar.

Anyway, my point is, my mother handled that situation with so much class, kindness, and grace, I had a good example. And my H didn't cheat on me. But my mother always treated my brother as her own child, and loved him all the same.

Unfortunately, my mom passed away many years ago, and I don't have her to confide in or seek advice from. Because if anyone would remotely understand my emotions it would be her. But I keep her example in my mind always, if she could handle it and persevere, so can I.

[kkry123]

And @kfran, holy smokes, the 10 year reunion?! Talk about timing.

[kfran84]

kkry123 Yeah, her mom is kind of dramatic like that. The only friction ever was between my mom and her mom and it was mostly because my mom didn't like some of the decisions my sister's mom made for her (like letting her drop out of school at 10th grade).

You sound totally awesome. I really admire (now that I'm a mom) the way that my mom stepped up and loved my sister. Sounds like you're doing the same. Good for you and your DH. I wish y'all the best.

[kfran84]

If you want to hear the funny version my mom tells here it is:

A classmate approached my mom and handed her a photo of a 10-year old girl and said "I think you should have this."

My mom takes her two best friends to the bathroom and says, "I'm going to show you something and I just want your instant reaction." She flashes them the pic. Friend #1 says "HOLY SHIT" Friend #2 says "SON OF A BITCH!" And my mom said, "Yeah, ok, that's what I thought."

I asked how my mom knew it was my dad's daughter and she said, "I knew what his babies look like, I had two of them at home already!"

[kkry123]

Feb 10, 2015 21:06:26 GMT -5 kfran84 said:

If you want to hear the funny version my mom tells here it is:

A classmate approached my mom and handed her a photo of a 10-year old girl and said "I think you should have this."

My mom takes her two best friends to the bathroom and says, "I'm going to show you something and I just want your instant reaction." She flashes them the pic. Friend #1 says "HOLY SHIT" Friend #2 says "SON OF A BITCH!" And my mom said, "Yeah, ok, that's what I thought."

I asked how my mom knew it was my dad's daughter and she said, "I knew what his babies look like, I had two of them at home already!"

Wow, just wow. Hahaha. That's amazing. Sometimes you have to find the humor in the situation, or else you'll drive yourself completely crazy.

When we first received the papers, of course the first thing I did was creep on FB fo baby mama. I found her easily, with pics of SD easily accessible. I didn't have an instant feeling though, as SD looks absolutely nothing like my husband, she's biracial, and looks just like her mom.

It wasn't until I met her, that I thought, yep, that's his kid. Her personality is the opposite of her mom (her mom is quiet, reserved, introverted, and K is super outgoing and chatty just like DH.

If this couldn't get anymore Maury Povich, baby mama is also now a lesbian.

Yep.

The best moment was when DH's grandpa asked him if, "he turned her."

Or when baby mama told me not to worry, bc she's into women now.

See, humor, gotta hang onto it.

I've asked myself multiple times if this is all real life.

[88sharonlee]

Thanks for sharing, sounds like you've got a real 'modern family' now! Don't worry it's very trendy!
All jokes aside I can't relate at all but I can imagine that having a huge life changer thrust upon you, out if the blue, without your say so, must be very stressful and understandably comes with some mixed emotions.
That said its great to hear that all the adults are really trying to get along and make the best of everything.

[Cherhorowitz]

Omg! That is a lot to take in. I wanted to congratulate you for being so accepting and taking on the stepmom role so effortlessly. We are always here to listen. So many hugs.


I like Maury.

[wineallthetime]

Wow! I'm sort of speechless. I can't imagine finding something like this out! All I can say is, as stressful as it must be for you, that little girl is really lucky to have you and your husband to help guide and support her.

[mamasoup030]

Wow, you had a lot thrown at you when you already had your hands full with a newborn and it sounds like have handled it beautifully. Your feelings sound so normal, but I think seeing a counselor could only benefit you and your family. Your SD is so lucky to have such a wonderful new mom!

[JoeLies]

I just read this and thought it might be a good read right now. Granted the author knew about her stepson from the start, but it's still a great lesson on co-parenting successfully.

www.yahoo.com/parenting/a-letter-to-my-stepsons-mother-110662790877.html

[kkry123]

JoeLies, thank you, that was a good read.

@loonylove, I hope you get that phone call someday!!