STM+, relationship changes after 2nd child??

[Starbuck128]

For moms who have already made the transition from 1 child to 2, how did your relationship change with your SO after the second child? I feel like it is easier to slip into gender stereotype family roles once a second kid is around, and I'm worried about being stuck at home taking care of everything 24/7. Any advice on how to still have a life? 

With my own parents, I think my dad was more hands on until my younger brother was born, at which point I really only saw my dad for birthdays and major holidays. He turned into a workaholic. DH and I have talked about how much I hated this, and he knows I expect him to be around.

The problem is, his family wasn't that much different. His dad wasn't a workaholic, but all his free time was devoted to childfree hobbies away from the house. He was gone for most weekends, and took frequent backpacking trips around the country with his friends. I'm worried that despite his best intentions, DH will do the same thing just because in the back of his mind that's what he thinks is normal. That won't work for us. I'm not like DH's mom. When it comes to the men in her family, I've never seen a more passive woman. I am not passive. Our relationship won't work if DH turns into his dad, but if DH decides to start spending less time with his family, I feel like there's nothing I can really do about it. I can talk to him, and I have, but he wants to do what he wants to do.
 

[snapdragon]

My relationship with H has improved dramatically since DD2 was born. Since I SAH and he works, yeah, we sort of fit into stereotypical gender roles, but that was our choice and having a second child had nothing to do with that. Without getting into the nitty gritty detail, he really stepped up with listening and helping around the house after DD2 was born and the more he saw that I needed it. I think we were both more cognizant of the way we spoke to each other by that point, also, because DD1 was old enough to really notice and pick up on those things.

As far as your main concern, H and I are kind of homebodies and don't have a lot of "outside hobbies" these days so neither of us has much desire to get out and "take a break" from the family, so to speak. If anything, we spend more time together as a family now that DD1 is older and there are more fun things to do and enjoy together. H has to go away for business sometimes, and he's always dying to come back home to us and begging for pictures of the kids while he's away. I've never taken a weekend away from the family.

I'm not saying there's anything WRONG with taking a trip away once in awhile, if that's your thing and that's what you need. But I didn't notice an increase in the desire to escape after we had LO2. Except maybe in myself, to Target for a couple of hours of kid-free shopping.

It sounds like you're asking a second question when you ask for advice on how to be a SAHM and still have a life. For me, it was re-defining what I thought "having a life" meant. Yes, you can look at it like you are stuck at home taking care of everything 24/7, because it's pretty true. But you're not exactly "stuck," and you're not necessarily taking care of everything. You are in charge of your home and your time, and that can give you some real freedom when you play it right. You can delegate jobs to your SO, and your kids when they're old enough. You can drop everything and go for a walk outside with LO when it's a beautiful day because it's a BEAUTIFUL DAY! You can take a nap when LO naps if it's been a super crazy day or night.

My biggest epiphany in achieving SAHM-satisfaction was when I realized I needed to appreciate the "non-fun" moments instead of looking forward to being entertained all the time. When I'm reading LO a story for the 5th time in a row or singing wheels on the bus AGAIN, it's easy to think "I wish I could just get on the computer or TV and relax." But when they're finally asleep and I'm doing that, am I really feeling fulfilled? Is THIS what I was really looking forward to all day? Is this what I want the focus of my life to be?

Once I got to that point, I was able to slow down and focus on the more boring aspects of being a SAHM as being a positive, fulfilling thing. Yes, I was changing a diaper yet again and cleaning up after yet another meal, but hey I was doing something really important for my family! I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing, right now, at this moment. Of course there are other "non-mom" things going on in my life and I think it's important to continue to make time for those things, but as a SAHM mom the majority if your time is going to be spent in mundane chores. And as one book I read put it, if you have to do something anyway, you might as well do it with joy.

(Sorry...that one turned into a novel!)

[Starbuck128]

I get what you are saying snapdragon. I didn't mean to come off as not liking being a SAHM. If I didn't I wouldn't do it. It just keeps getting harder and harder. DS has all the attitude and tantrums of a 3 year old, but because of his speech problems, still has the tantrums and frustrations of a 1 year old. He can't communicate his wants and needs. It is hard to deal with. Also, he doesn't nap so there are no breaks from the whining. I need a break or even just some help. I'm worried about how I will handle him with a newborn, and it's hard not to resent DH every minute he's off doing a hobby because some of that would have been time for me to unwind. I'm a better mom when I get a little time to unwind every day, so when I don't get it I feel so guilty and terrible about myself.

[tabH]

Feb 10, 2015 15:17:30 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Sorry you are wrestling with these issues, Starbuck128. I do not have any advice for you, but was DH into weekends away from you and other hobbies prior to your DS being born? Is this why you think it may become a thing? I wouldn't think that he would develop the habit or make the occasions more frequent if he hasn't already started doing these things.

Thanks snapdragon for your thoughts on SAHM-hood! I feel like I am at a point where after being a SAHM for a year, and knowing that I will do it for at least another year, I have to look at it as a necessity for my family. It's really easy to see each day as mundane but I try to leave the house at least once a day with DD, and that seems to help a lot. DH has also been making more of an effort around the house so I am hoping this continues and improves after DD2 arrives.

[snapdragon]

Feb 10, 2015 16:01:08 GMT -5 Starbuck128 said:

I get what you are saying snapdragon. I didn't mean to come off as not liking being a SAHM. If I didn't I wouldn't do it. It just keeps getting harder and harder. DS has all the attitude and tantrums of a 3 year old, but because of his speech problems, still has the tantrums and frustrations of a 1 year old. He can't communicate his wants and needs. It is hard to deal with. Also, he doesn't nap so there are no breaks from the whining. I need a break or even just some help. I'm worried about how I will handle him with a newborn, and it's hard not to resent DH every minute he's off doing a hobby because some of that would have been time for me to unwind. I'm a better mom when I get a little time to unwind every day, so when I don't get it I feel so guilty and terrible about myself.

Ah, okay.  I hear you.  I need my downtime too, and I think I'm going to cry the day DD1 gives up her nap.  Does your DS go to school?  Will he next year?  Full or part of the day?  I know he's young (three, right?) but if you can spare the cash it might not be a bad idea to enroll him in a part-time summer camp.  I thought about it myself, but my DD is 3.5, and I'm not sending her to camp because I need her to play with DD2 so I can focus on LO3!! (wow that just got real for the first time.  Excuse me while I go have a panic attack.)

If you need your SO to bail you out so YOU can have some hobby time too, have you said so?  I would also resent my H for taking time out of the house to have hobby time if it weren't something we had agreed to.  It's understood in our house that when someone is out, the other person MUST be home, so any time you take alone somewhere is time that you are preventing the other person from doing something.  I'm only home most of the time because he MUST be working, so obviously any optional activities he wants to do have to be cleared with me in the same way that I have to ask him to watch the kids if want to do something out of the house.  There's no reason he should be able to go and do whatever he wants just because you're "home anyway;" if he were home, you wouldn't have to be!!  

Hopefully, like my H, he will be more understanding of the need to give you a break once you have two of them.

About being able to handle your DS with a newborn: The newborn phase with DD2 was very very tough for me, but I think that was in large part because we had also just moved to a new city (when DD2 was 8 weeks old) and went from DH working from home to being out, and we only had the one car so I was really stuck and alone with the two of them, compared to being un-stuck and un-alone with one. DD1 was also not in school. But I will tell you that after some initial increase in neediness, DD1 actually became LESS needy overall because she learned that when I was going X for the baby, it was not a good time to ask me for something. Before DD2, I would drop anything (except my coffee. Coffee time is ME time.) for what DD1 wanted. Having a baby around taught her some very important lessons in patience, and she was only just turning two. She was also interested in the baby and sometimes entertained herself by having "tummy time" with her or rocking her. 

You never know how a child is going to react when they're no longer the only child, but there are definitely positives to it.  DD1 liked to throw diapers away for me, for example, or sing to the baby or pretend to read to her.  I think with more going on in the house to entertain them, little siblings sometimes end up being less fussy (you know how newborns cry the most when it's quiet and fall asleep in a crowd--same idea).  Anyway, just trying to give you some hope.  It's tons more work and a huge adjustment, not gonna lie, but there ARE positive differences to having #2 compared to having #1.  If I'm gonna be honest though most of that whole period is kind of a blank spot in my brain surrounded by moving boxes.

[Starbuck128]

tabH DH hardly ever left the house before DS was born, but he's becoming more involved in other activities since then. Before DS was born we talked a lot about how I wanted to be involved in things outside the home. I wanted to take yoga, etc. Fast forward 3 years and none of that happened. DH suddenly wanted to hang out at work an extra hour so I could do anything before bed time, and he's committing to weekend activities without asking me first.

snapdragon DS will be starting speech therapy at a PK for 3 hours a day. That will be a nice break in place of a nap.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with your first becoming more independent and helping with the baby. I guess he will be forced to become more patient. I hadn't thought about that. Thank you. That does give me hope.

[honeylemon]

Feb 10, 2015 16:01:08 GMT -5 Starbuck128 said:

I get what you are saying snapdragon. I didn't mean to come off as not liking being a SAHM. If I didn't I wouldn't do it. It just keeps getting harder and harder. DS has all the attitude and tantrums of a 3 year old, but because of his speech problems, still has the tantrums and frustrations of a 1 year old. He can't communicate his wants and needs. It is hard to deal with. Also, he doesn't nap so there are no breaks from the whining. I need a break or even just some help. I'm worried about how I will handle him with a newborn, and it's hard not to resent DH every minute he's off doing a hobby because some of that would have been time for me to unwind. I'm a better mom when I get a little time to unwind every day, so when I don't get it I feel so guilty and terrible about myself.

Hmm, that's tough. Hugs for you.

I will say the first 6 months after DD was born were really really hard. (It wasn't a constant struggle for six months. We had plenty of good days, but the hard times were very hard). DS was in a difficult stage, my PPD was being treated, but barely under the surface, just a lot of adjusting had to be done. DH's job requires a lot from him, even when he's home so I totally understand the feelings of resent when he gets to do something fun without worrying about stuff at home.

I'm not sure what the answer is. But it did get easier after those six months when we finally got a good routine going.

Have you thought about hiring a mothers' helper? 

[Starbuck128]

What does a mother's helper usually do? I've heard the term before, but I'm fuzzy on the details.

[honeylemon]

Feb 10, 2015 22:55:52 GMT -5 Starbuck128 said:

What does a mother's helper usually do? I've heard the term before, but I'm fuzzy on the details.

I think it depends on what you want or need?

I've never hired one, but from what I know, most people just pay a teenager/college age to come over in the afternoons a few times a week (or however often you need) to play with the kids while the mom can run errands or nap or sit outside in peace or get stuff done around the house.

[Starbuck128]

Feb 10, 2015 22:58:45 GMT -5 honeylemon said:

Feb 10, 2015 22:55:52 GMT -5 Starbuck128 said:

What does a mother's helper usually do? I've heard the term before, but I'm fuzzy on the details.

I think it depends on what you want or need?

I've never hired one, but from what I know, most people just pay a teenager/college age to come over in the afternoons a few times a week (or however often you need) to play with the kids while the mom can run errands or nap or sit outside in peace or get stuff done around the house.

That is a really interesting idea. I'm in a college town, so it probably wouldn't be hard to find someone interested in just a few hours of work a week. Thanks!

[corrys12]

Starbuck128 wow, you definitely have your hands full. I can't really lend advice since I'm neither a SAHM and I'm a FTM.

But I wanted to wish you luck on figuring out what will work for your little family. Also wanted to comment on the Mothers Helper thing. Its basically babysitting. I babysat during my 4 years of college for many professors (small college/college town). They would pay me to basically watch their LOs while they were on campus, or doing work at home, or even pick up their kids from school and entertain them for a few hrs after school, or attend a family friendly party they were hosting so they could focus on hosting responsibilities while still having their LOs around, fixing simple meals. I never realized back then how much relief it must have provided these parents, but it was easy cash for me.