AW: in need of hair pats

[bocaburger]

Hi, I need a pep talk and some hair pats. I'm feeling really overwhelmed today. TLDR: I need more sleep and I'm nervous for H going back toschool/work.

So, I don't handle sleep deprivation well. The first week I was falling apart so for the next week H really stepped up with the night shift. He was on from like 12-7am and would nap for a few hours before and after.

Of course, H then was totally exhausted so we decided to try taking turns throughout the night and splitting it more evenly. After just a couple nights of that I feel so tired and the whole parenting experience feels much more overwhelming.

In the meantime H goes back to school and work in a week and I will be a SAHM all by myself, with two babies. And I don't know how to be on all day AND help at night... but it's not fair to expect H to work hard all day and then come home and stay up all night.

Someone please just tell me we can do this and it will be ok.

[elvenqueen]

bocaburger, Well, you're definitely not going to not be able to handle it. Because you have to. That's all there is to it. There will be hellish days, hellish nights, and you'll likely have a fair few meltdowns (a POM rite of passage, I think), but you'll get through it.

I personally could not handle nights by myself when we were doing OUBU in the early weeks. Once DH went back to work, he still helped me at night. Some nights I'd get him up to help me with each waking, other nights I'd get him to help with just one. So he'd have days of utter exhaustion, but days where he felt much more rested. That was manageable for him, but he is a bit of a night owl anyway.

Does your H work/school on weekends? That was usually my recovery period from five days without mine, and it helped immensely.

The daytime stuff takes a bit of time to adjust to on your own, but it's just practice and it gets easier and easier. I'm not sure how you feel about parent-led schedules/routines, but that can really help. I was winging it and doing a baby-led schedule for the first... 7 or so weeks, and I lost the plot because naps did not happen and I had no time to feed myself. Once I got to grips with an EASY schedule (have you read about this/are you trying this?) it was a lot more manageable.

Just throwing this advice at you really, but the bottom line is you'll find your own way through this, it'll just take time and get easier in tiny baby steps.

[bocaburger]

elvenqueen what is the EASY schedule?

We have not been doing OUBU at night because if they are both awake, we both have to be awake. Instead there is pretty much always one baby awake, but only one of us has to be up to deal with them.

[elvenqueen]

Aug 28, 2016 20:18:04 GMT -5 bocaburger said:

elvenqueen what is the EASY schedule?

We have not been doing OUBU at night because if they are both awake, we both have to be awake. Instead there is pretty much always one baby awake, but only one of us has to be up to deal with them.

EASY is an Eat/Play/Sleep schedule. It stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, You-time. Here's a page with an explanation and example schedules.

Remind me how old your twins are? It always took us forever to settle both back to sleep in the early weeks, that was the most challenging thing, because they're not on a day/night schedule. This is why we ended up co-sleeping for a few months EDIT: I mean weeks, it was from 6-12 weeks ish; even if it took them an hour or so to fall asleep again, they'd just do that in bed with us and be quite happy there. I know that probably doesn't help you if co-sleeping isn't your style, though. 

Is it 12 weeks when newborns start to develop their internal day/night clocks? I can't remember exactly when, but when that happens, nights will slowly improve, longer stretches of sleep, etc. It's just survival mode until then.

[bocaburger]

Aug 28, 2016 21:01:50 GMT -5 elvenqueen said:

Aug 28, 2016 20:18:04 GMT -5 bocaburger said:

elvenqueen what is the EASY schedule?

We have not been doing OUBU at night because if they are both awake, we both have to be awake. Instead there is pretty much always one baby awake, but only one of us has to be up to deal with them.

EASY is an Eat/Play/Sleep schedule. It stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, You-time. Here's a page with an explanation and example schedules.

Remind me how old your twins are? It always took us forever to settle both back to sleep in the early weeks, that was the most challenging thing, because they're not on a day/night schedule. This is why we ended up co-sleeping for a few months; even if it took them an hour or so to fall asleep again, they'd just do that in bed with us and be quite happy there. I know that probably doesn't help you if co-sleeping isn't your style, though. 

Is it 12 weeks when newborns start to develop their internal day/night clocks? I can't remember exactly when, but when that happens, nights will slowly improve, longer stretches of sleep, etc. It's just survival mode until then.

They are not even 3 weeks old yet.

[elvenqueen]

Aug 28, 2016 21:03:56 GMT -5 bocaburger said:

Aug 28, 2016 21:01:50 GMT -5 elvenqueen said:

EASY is an Eat/Play/Sleep schedule. It stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, You-time. Here's a page with an explanation and example schedules.

Remind me how old your twins are? It always took us forever to settle both back to sleep in the early weeks, that was the most challenging thing, because they're not on a day/night schedule. This is why we ended up co-sleeping for a few months; even if it took them an hour or so to fall asleep again, they'd just do that in bed with us and be quite happy there. I know that probably doesn't help you if co-sleeping isn't your style, though. 

Is it 12 weeks when newborns start to develop their internal day/night clocks? I can't remember exactly when, but when that happens, nights will slowly improve, longer stretches of sleep, etc. It's just survival mode until then.

They are not even 3 weeks old yet.

Yeah. Newborn mode. You just gotta sleep when they sleep. I totally hear you on not coping well with little-to-no sleep, but it won't be too long before they start to be awake for slightly longer stretches during the day and make up for that with slightly longer stretches at night. You can totally do this!!
Do you have anyone that can pop in to help you for a few hours during the day the first week or two your H is back to work?

[bocaburger]

Aug 28, 2016 21:08:26 GMT -5 elvenqueen said:

Aug 28, 2016 21:03:56 GMT -5 bocaburger said:

They are not even 3 weeks old yet.

Yeah. Newborn mode. You just gotta sleep when they sleep. I totally hear you on not coping well with little-to-no sleep, but it won't be too long before they start to be awake for slightly longer stretches during the day and make up for that with slightly longer stretches at night. You can totally do this!!
Do you have anyone that can pop in to help you for a few hours during the day the first week or two your H is back to work?

We're hoping to hire a mother's helper for the first while. We have to deal with that this week.

[Squishy622]

Hang in there, bocaburger. The beginning is so hard but you will hack and fumble and push your way through and soon it'll all be in the past. People tell me all the time that they don't know how I do it with twins.... you just do! I know this is probably supremely unhelpful and I'm sorry for that!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that most, if not all, of us have been there and it sucks but it will be okay, you will take it a day at a time, you'll keep doing what works and tweak what doesn't. Hugs mama!

[nomnom]

My best tip is to lower your standards. Feed you, feed babies, and get everyone to sleep at some point, even if it's in short spurts. Bathe when you can. Don't worry about the house or how well you're eating as long as you're not surviving on donuts and Dr. Pepper. Add these extras back in as you're able.

You and YH will probably be tired to exhausted for a while. You may wonder if you can really handle this and sit and cry. But you'll make it and it gets easier.

[mrsmcsmith09]

It gets easier but you have to just be in survival mode. I like what tweety said make sure they are fed, you're fed and everyone get sleep. Once DH went back to work we started doing shifts, he'd take the first half of the night and I'd do the 2nd half and then we'd switch the next night.

[requiressnacks]

You can do this, bocaburger!

[babys2015]

It's going to be hard at times, for sure. Cut yourself some slack on the hard days and do whatever it takes to get through it. Don't worry about doing things the "right" way for now..

The babies will get easier and will slee for longer stretches soon so just hang tight!

[bocaburger]

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit better today.

[hollyberry]

I am sorry bocaburger, it is all so hard. You will get through this. Baby girl does not like to sleep on her crib, in our room. She only sleeps in arms. I co sleep with her. Its the only way i would get sleep. Baby boy sleeps ok in the crib thankfully. The babies are on the same eating schedule 3.5-4 hours and eat at the same time. Mh and i feed them both at the same time. This was stressed at zhe hospital and we kept it up at home. Mh feeds one and then goes to bed while i soothe them to sleep and cuddle with baby girl and then sleep with her in my arms. If i was not ok with co sleeping i would not get sleep. I never wanted to co sleep. But its just what i have had to do.

But it is super hard. I h
Get overwhelmed often too. But we got this and newbornhood will be over before we know it and it will be like a dream! Hugs!

[robertjane33]

If you have friends/family around, have them come over and watch the twins while you nap. A friend of ours did this early on - we were all set to entertain - and it was lovely.

But otherwise, it's just survival, and you are doing great!

[schmella]

MH went back to work at 4w and I cried everyday the week before. It was scary, and hard. Having a conversation about how much sleep you each really need can help- MH is a night owl so we worked it out where I would go to bed at 8 or 9pm and he would feed them at 9 and put them to bed around 10 or 11 at that age I think? They usually slept until 1 or 2, so I got at least a 4hr stretch. The good news is around 4 weeks was when we were able to start getting longer stretches at night. And that first time we slept more than 2hrs straight felt every bit as wonderful as sleeping in til 10 on a lazy Sunday!