Feeling unsure (bit of a vent)

[olivegoose]

Ever since I first voiced concern about DD's behavior, about 1.5-2 years ago, I haven't had any IRL support. Friends and family say "That's just her personality" or "She's just 2 (and then 3)." My husband says that he doesn't really know because he's not with her as much as I am, but if I'm concerned then go ahead and pursue it. In the last year I have talked myself out of really pushing this process forward so many times. I worry that since she doesn't exhibit the same behaviors with other people that she does with me that I'm the problem (I have SAD, GAD, ADHD) and am taking us down a potentially long road for no reason. 

I feel very overwhelmed and unsure that I am doing the right thing. Did anyone else experience something like this? 

[litebright]

Well, I've seen it go both ways and I would encourage you to stick with the evaluation.

With my DD1, I had some inklings but let myself be talked out of them for a pretty long time. A lot of "you're expecting too much," "all kids do this," "she's developing at her own rate," "she's just focusing on other things," or "you're being a paranoid first time mom." I would pore over the milestone charts and since she technically hit them, I thought some of the other things were just quirks. Luckily, it wasn't too long before someone else noticed and affirmed my gut feeling. She was dx'd with autism.

When my DD2 came along, at about 15 months we had her evaluated. She wouldn't respond to her name, wouldn't meet my eyes, would use my hands/use me as a tool to get me to do things, plus she had very few words, definitely fewer than she should have (all things, BTW, that I didn't notice with DD1). I was completely freaked out and convinced she had autism as well. Well, we had her evaluated and she was actually a bit advanced socially, although had a small delay in speech that didn't require services. They did notice that she didn't make a lot of eye contact with me, but she didn't have that issue with the therapists in the room (or with DH, which of course just made me feel even crazier, that no one else seemed to see it). After her eval came back fine, my pedi asked me if *I* was okay, and I burst into tears.

Babies of moms who are depressed can have some similar signs to early signs of autism -- less expressive faces, less eye contact. Once I got my PPA/PPD addressed, those things went away and our relationship got back on track.

If you feel your conditions are not well controlled, then you need to take care of you, regardless of any dx your DD may or may not have.

[olivegoose]

litebright, thank you for the response and insight.

My conditions are well controlled now, but they weren't always. It's been a bit of a battle to get myself properly diagnosed and medicated. I'm like a whole new person now, though.

I have been obsessing over typical development for her age range, trying to convince myself one way or the other. I told my husband she's been throwing the exact same fits for 2 years now... How is that not concerning? He just shrugs.

[cam]

Hugs. My family definitely did not see anything concerning. MH at first had a similar view as your H (he also defaulted to me because he isn't around other kids LO's age to have a baseline for comparison, I have knowledge about SNs, blah blah blah - not particularly helpful as I felt supported but not like I help deciding to go ahead with the evaluation). There were moments I would think maybe I should wait and see a bit longer, but overall, I knew it made sense that I was more aware of the issues. In part, he was more comfortable with me to break down. I also could see his behaviors for what they were (for example, my parents commented with surprise that LO was actually wearing short sleeves one day as they knew he was resistant, but grandparent goggles didn't see that resistance as a concern). Being around more meant being around to see more of the concerns. I also knew in my gut that I was right. The more I gathered data, examples, and other information to prepare for the appointment, the more and more obvious it became that we pretty much already had our answer, so why not make it official so we could hopefully open doors to getting LO more help. Good luck! I think it is normal to feel those feelings of doubt in the concerns or in the timing of the evaluation (will there be enough evidence to get a dx or rule something out?).

[kmc2]

Olivegoose, I'm sorry you have had to deal with others making you feel as though your concerns about your DD are unnecessary. Better safe than sorry, might as well get things checked out right? In the end its what you and your DH want and even if he isn't overly concerned, sounds like he wants you to get everything checked out with her. Try not to let others trivialize your concerns. Much easier said than done!

[speedymarie]

Hi, I'm a lurker, but if my experience with gross motor delays translates, it is that getting them checked out is never a bad idea. If nothing is wrong you can relax and if something is, you can start working on figuring it out. In my opinion, information is always better than wondering what if.

Good luck to you.

[mrsbuttinski]

FWIW, what you're experiencing is super common. Many of us who have kids with invisible disabilities or more subtle behavioral/developmental disorders have BTDT. There could be a couple things at play.

1. Sometimes people who love you, and her, will dismiss your concerns thinking that's how to show you they love and accept your child. If you asked them, they'd swear this was being done to be "supportive" even though to you it feels like dismissal.

These are the ones who will find reasons why your kid is different. DS's pedi claimed it was because DH and I are older and I was a SAHM, his preschool teacher thought he just needed more exposure to kids, my dad said I could "fix" DS by moving to a cul de sac and getting a minivan.

2. Often little apples don't fall far from the family tree. When a grandparent has already raised a child with ADHD/SAD/GAD, she may not be the best judge of what typical development and behavior look like. DH and I come from families full of quirky folks- they wouldn't know what typical looks like. Or they'll be all "Uncle Dick was like that as a kid and look at him now- a successful doctor" Only Uncle Dick is kinda odd and has read everything ever written about the Titanic.

3. Related to #2, sometimes things run in families and the grandparent feels a sense of guilt that this is kind of their fault in some way.

4. There's also a corollary where they go "not in my family" and blame the in-laws. DS is dyslexic which came as a shock to me. It wasn't until after DS was in his special school that I found out that only one of DH's 5 nieces and nephews learned to read at the usual time and without intervention. And yet MIL claims none of them have LD issues- that it must be from my family. Not that it mattered, but knowing to look out for it would have been useful. I'm pretty sure the one niece is still borderline illiterate based on her FB posts- she's a bright, capable kid- it's a shame they never addressed this effectively.

Trust your gut. The bottom line is she is who she is. If she doesn't have a dx'able condition, and evaluation won't change that. If she does have a developmental or behavioral condition, pretending it isn't there won't improve her quality of life. The die is already cast, more information can only help you help her grow to be her best self.

[mrsbuttinski]

www.audiologyonline.com/ask-the-experts/capd-apd-age-restrictions-716

[mcribster]

your gut is key. I would absolutely get her screened. My son's issues would have likely gone unnoticed if he was not in daycare from such an early age. family and friends usually underplay issues. We had a similar situation. i had SAD and GAD symptoms all my life. As it turns out I had Lyme and a bunch of tick borne infections unknown to me and passed it to my kids (one is ASD/PANS/PANDAS and one is PANS/PANDAS). Good luck!

[BostonKisses]

I'd still do the eval. Yes, it's a long process, but I'd rather have a more concrete yes or no to check my gut instinct.

I've experienced this many, many times. My own H is and has been in denial that there's something else going on, even though he's starting to get a little better with it. People IRL are way too quick to blame everything on her being premature. Yes, there are lingering issues from that, but when you see your preemie catch up and then suddenly falling behind again, it's not "just a preemie thing." My gut's been telling me something's off for a while now, and it wasn't until one of my good friends started pointing some things out that I was getting confirmation with my gut feelings.

FWIW, I also get denials from people IRL, mostly acquaintances or strangers, that she can't "possibly have CF" because she's "way too healthy" or "she looks totally normal, you're overreacting/overexaggerating" etc. I think a lot of what this stuff ultimately boils down to is people are either A.) ignorant, B.) in denial, C.) don't know what to say or are afraid of pointing something out for fear it might piss you off so they go for the denial/positive route instead, or D.) any combination of the 3. When people comment in a way that says they think you're crazy or overreacting without actually saying it, it definitely throws your gut feelings off, and it's normal to second guess yourself. That's why it can't hurt to get a professional to check things out and either confirm or rule out an issue based off what you're seeing.

[olivegoose]

mrsbuttinski, that's a great point. The family history of having mental health issues is one of the reasons I am concerned. My husband and I both have ADHD, and all of my immediate family members have had mental health issues. My MIL is the only one who has noticed DD's behavior as problematic, and that's because she's so much like DH was as a child (and she sought intervention for him).

My own experience is part of the reason I want to get her evaluated. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until about 4 months ago. Speaking with my therapist I have always had symptoms, but I'm inattentive and not hyperactive. I don't want to not act on my worries and then have her struggle in life like I did as a result. I had one friend tell me that everyone is ADHD but some people just handle it better than others do.

Either way, I started the process and I'm not stopping this time. Thank you all for responding and sharing your stories! It means a lot to know at least there's people out there who get it!

[NandaB]

Hey buddy! I have nothing of value to add, I just wanted to say hi, and tell you that listening to your gut is rarely the wrong answer.