WWN13 do?

[cagoldi]

I need to apologize in advance because this will be long and maybe hard to follow.

So my mom lives in Vegas. LSS she is back together with my ex SD. They are not remarried but I expect they
are going to stay together. I always planned on having my mom around to help out when we were starting our family. It's been hard on me with her being so far away. I know she would love to move back and spend more time with Atticus.

My ideal situation would be moving into a bigger place and having my mom and SD stay with us. My SD could keep working and my mom could either stay home and watch A or seek out a job although I'm sure she would choose to watch him. Pete is *mostly* okay with this. They are both smokers and that is super annoying to both of us. They would never smoke in the house. My mom could go hours at a time without smoking so I don't think that would be a big factor with her watching A. But there's the fact that he has asthma so any remnants of smoke could be a problem for him. I know she washes her hands after smoking and I could ask her to change her shirt as well to try to mitigate that.

I am feeling lonely with Pete getting home after A is asleep most nights and I want to feel like someone is around that's invested in the outcome. I could hire a mother's helper or have my sister's come over but I want to feel like I have a partner in raising him. If it can't be Pete then I might as well have my mom. Another consideration is baby 2.0 should we TTC again. I don't want my next PP experience to be anything like the last and I know I would fare better if I had more help the next time around.

I guess my question is would you try to make this happen? Do I just need to accept that it would be a complicated arrangement and try to just cobble together whatever family members I have locally so they're around more?

[cagoldi]

Jan 16, 2015 16:06:15 GMT -5 @mx2 said:

I would struggle with the athsma and the smoking if living in the same home. Do they have any intention to try to quit ?eta like tgrimes1980 said maybe it will be incentive for them to cut back or try to quit

My mom wants to quit smoking and she could chew Nicorette or use vapor or something while she's watching A so she isn't exposing him to smoke.

My SD is a cancer survivor yet he has no intention of quitting. : (

[mishkaroni]

I would try to make it happen. There are always things that can be done in preventing his asthma from flaring up around them.

[mishkaroni]

Also saw what your mom may do with nicorette or vaping. Could your SD vape? It's the act and nicotine he needs no? K started vaping. Never around A directly. But he was getting way stressed at work and felt the need to smoke again. Instead he bought a good vapor.

[finnaroo]

Is there any way that they could move back but live independently?

[LizInFL]

I'm just going to play devil's advocate for a second: Is there any way y'all could do a test run? Have you lived with them before as an adult, i.e., are you aware of habits, etc (besides the smoking) that might drive you crazy? Is there any way they could move to your area (maybe rent a furnished apt) for a bit to see if they like the area, etc. before you and Pete commit to buying a larger/more expensive home?

I totally understand your desire to have family closer, and more help with A. I'm really close with my parents (my mom in particular) so I get it. But I'll say this...I lived with my parents this summer at their vacation house while we were in between homes, and it's definitely a different dynamic. It was very easy to slip back into parent-child roles, and at the same time I missed my own space and being "independent". (With that said, we were living in their 1500 SF vacation house that only has 1 bathroom, so there wasn't tons of room to spread out! It might have been different if we were in their much larger 'main' house).

So TL;DR...if there's some way y'all could do a test and make sure both parties are happy with the arrangement, that would probably be what I would try and do. But I definitely don't blame you for wanting to figure something out. Good luck with your decision!

[klongoria11]

I would sit down and talk to your Mom about different options, whether it be living with you or just close by. It is great that she is willing to quit smoking, but if her SO doesn't want to, that could be an issue, especially if they live with you. Would he be willing to abide by certain smoking rules? No smoking around A, you can only smoke outside, if you are going to be in close contact with A after smoking then you will need to change your clothes. He might not want to adhere to the rules of the house and thus that could be an issue.

[bostonmama1978]

I would make it happen, but after your DH is fully onboard, rather than mostly. This will be a huge change and I think it's better to be fully together from the start.

The smoking would bother me some, so I would have a serious conversation and agreement of what your expectations would be.

Family is important. B does not have any living grandparents, but if she did, we would want them nearby.

Good luck!

[shelbster]

I may have missed something. Is your SD in Vegas or here in OC? It would seem like a lot for both of them to relocate and for him to have to find a new job. But if he's already out here, it makes more sense.

However, I'm coming from the point of view of an asthmatic. I've had asthma since age 2 and by the time I was 10, I had already been hospitalized at least 5 times. I'm not sure how well controlled A's asthma is but constantly being around triggers might put him in a dangerous situation. I'd want them to cut down majorly, in order to feel comfortable with it. I don't know if it's an option, but I agree with finn's comment about them moving back but living on their own.

Sorry you're feeling so lonely…I'm struggling myself with that right now, as well

[mamasoup030]

I agree with the above that you give it a trial run (if possible). People can do amazing things for those they love. My grandfather quit smoking for me when I was born and I got to enjoy a wonderful relationship with him. He developed smoking related illnesses that were difficult in his last years, but I'd like to think we wouldn't have had any of that time without him quitting. Your mom and SD might just surprise you, I know my grandfather surprised my mom 20-something years ago.

My DH quit for H, he used the ecigs and slowly stopped without even realizing he was doing it.

It's got to be tough having Pete not home as much as you would both like. I think any way that you can get more support is a positive, as long as you all are onboard and set some ground rules that you can live with. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time, I hope that you find a solution that works! Hugs!

[kim22]

I would not be able to do it. My parents live next door and that is great but we need our space. We had a ton of fun staying at my sisters for 4 months but it was hard. There are so many details to work out (cleaning, cooking, visitors, money...) I would at least need a mother/daughter type space.

[calishove]

I would definitely try to make it happen. I have a family member who changes their shirt to be around V and it really isn't really as annoying/cumbersome as it may seem. I think that having family support is worth whatever obstacles you have to overcome.

[rebeccag428]

Jan 16, 2015 16:18:38 GMT -5 finnaroo said:

Is there any way that they could move back but live independently?

This.

I would need my space, but I also don't get along with my mother.. Kinda why I live 3000 miles away from her

[cagoldi]

All good questions, as always.

Shelbster my SD and mom live together in Vegas.

I could live with them again. My mom is not meddlesome or overbearing in any way. She wouldn't bother either of us at all. She is good about knowing her boundaries.

I think you could be right about having them get their own place. COL is a little higher here, so once you move out of state it can be hard to move back.

[kimmycup]

Jan 16, 2015 18:21:21 GMT -5 rebeccag428 said:

Jan 16, 2015 16:18:38 GMT -5 finnaroo said:

Is there any way that they could move back but live independently?

This.

I would need my space, but I also don't get along with my mother.. Kinda why I live 3000 miles away from her

Yea, same.

[dapostrophe]

Jan 16, 2015 20:54:39 GMT -5 kimmycup said:

Jan 16, 2015 18:21:21 GMT -5 rebeccag428 said:

This.

I would need my space, but I also don't get along with my mother.. Kinda why I live 3000 miles away from her

Yea, same.

I'm in this camp. But you know your threshold better than we do. It sounds like you really want them near by, and I can certainly understand why. I guess I just think living together brings on a whole host of issues, the smoking just being one of them. And that's a big one. What if she gets sick of washing her hands and changing her shirt, do you kick your mother out for the sake of your son's health? Then again, I'm a worst case scenario person in these situations. I try and anticipate all the ways something could go horribly wrong with the hope that I am pleasantly surprised