Baby shower rant/advice

[dream2be3]

I've been feeling kind of sad because not one of my friends or family members has mentioned hosting a baby shower for me since I first announced I was pregnant (the reasonable me knows it's still early). My mom made the comment to me about a month ago that if someone offered to host one I should request to have it after the babies are born. She said "people want to know the gender so they can buy stuff and they'll want to see them. I explained to her that I didn't want my newborn twins around a bunch of people especially during cold and flu season. I live in the upper Midwest so it will likely be super cold out as well.

Anyway, I get a text from one of my bff's this morning that said "should we have the shower after the twins are born? That way people can buy gender specific things and will give them a chance to meet the babies." I explained, as politely as I could, that I wasn't a fan of the idea and my reasons why. I haven't received a response back and I'm kind of wondering if my mom isn't behind this.

My question is am I being a selfish, ungrateful, bitch or is this reasonable?

Honesty is appreciated - I won't be upset if you tell me I'm being a selfish bitch!

[requiressnacks]

dream2be3, I'd be pissed. Baby showers aren't so you can get a bunch of cute sex-specific clothing. It's so you can get the stuff you need! AND, to be celebrated into motherhood!

I had heard of families being disappointed when couples don't share the sex of their baby(ies), but this takes it way too far. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this!

Hopefully they come around and want to celebrate with you sooner rather than later.

[schmella]

Ugh, I'd be pissed. It totally sounds like your mom said something- I'd probably call the BFF to talk it over. Have you started your registry yet? Maybe direct her to show her all the super cute gender neutral stuff you have on there. I really don't see a point in gender specific stuff until they get older, and I certainly wouldn't want any of our big stuff to be pink. But I'm not a pink frilly kinda mom. So IMO you're talking about people wanting to buy you gender specific outfits and they can just hold their horses. I'd make a point to your friend that If a shower is supposed to help you prepare for babies, its not all that helpful after their born, KWIM? If you wait til after they are born it will probably be all clothing if thats everyone's concern.

That said. I had three showers, my third was in January in Michigan when the twins were 3m old and it was awesome. I got all my newborn stuff at my first 2 showers before they were born and the third just didn't happen because it was a 5hr drive and we couldn't fit it in before I was too uncomfortable to travel. We were able to register for (and GET) stuff that they needed as they started to move around, stuff we didn't think or know we'd need, etc. and then all the out of town relatives got to see them in person in one shot. It was definitely a perfect storm scenario, but they can be really nice. I got a few gender specific outfits, but mostly it was stuff like sippy cups and bowls, toys, a superyard, bouncer, etc that don't need to be gender specific.

[pbandj714]

Not unreasonable at all! Having newborn twins is going to be overwhelming enough without having to worry about packing them up to go to their own shower. Plus you need things BEFORE they get here!

I was team green and had 3 very nice, neutral showers. And you know? I received sooo many useful gifts (bottles, blankets, sheets, books, diapers, car seats, swing, bouncer, etc.) even though people didn't know the sexes of the babies.

It turned out that after they were born a ton of our friends and family went out and picked up cute clothes for them. So we still got those useful gifts that were great to have from the get-go and we also got the cute clothes.

You are absolutely within your rights to refuse to let a big group of people around your newborns during cold and flu season. Anyone who has a problem with that needs to reevaluate.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that pressure. I would stick to your guns on this one. Other people can deal.

[nomnom]

You are totally reasonable. I would not want new babies being passed around during cold and flu season, which would undoubtedly happen if you have to tiny squishes at a shower. Not to mention there are plenty of baby items that are not sex specific.

[dream2be3]

Sept 14, 2016 10:54:08 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

The whole point of a shower is to help the parents-to-be accumulate stuff to help them navigate parenthood. Having a shower after the fact negates this (unless there are very specific reasons why someone waited).

Plus, and I've expressed this here before - I really wouldn't want people to get caught up in the societal gender expectations - I think it's dumb to wait and see so if it's a girl you can get frilly girl clothes and if it's a boy, they can buy blue clothes with trucks. You need STUFF - strollers, bottles, etc.

I would be pissed at your mom and assume she was behind it.

This is so frustrating. I'm sorry :-(

I feel the same as you about the point of a shower and people getting caught up in the gender. Other then some clothes I bought, I want everything to be gender neutral in case we decide to have another baby.

I have no issue with those that choose to have a shower after if that's what they want. It's just not what I want.

[dream2be3]

Thanks for the support ladies! I'm glad it's not me just being a selfish bitch. This whole thing makes me sad and I just feel like at this point I don't even want a shower.

[callmeKD]

you are being reasonable, completely reasonable.

other points to support your position - what if one of your babies is in the NICU? you will especially want to limit that baby's contact with others. what if you have a rough recovery after L&D? You don't want to worry about entertaining people at a shower, etc.

[dream2be3]

Sept 14, 2016 12:37:43 GMT -5 callmeKD said:

you are being reasonable, completely reasonable.

other points to support your position - what if one of your babies is in the NICU? you will especially want to limit that baby's contact with others. what if you have a rough recovery after L&D? You don't want to worry about entertaining people at a shower, etc.

I did use the NICU point with my bff but didn't really think about the recovery - good point!

[piccyami]

I'm with callmeKD. You have no idea what will happen towards the end of your pregnancy and one or both could end up in the nicu or could at least need more protection. I would not want to pass my newborns around, especially before they've gotten any shots.

It has also really helped me to know that we have everything we need since I can't really go out and shop anymore. I really don't want to go out and get things or have to ask people to get us things right after we come home from the hospital when we end up really needing something. I'm sure we're forgetting something and there will most likely be emergency runs for things, but I think we could manage for a couple of days with what we have.

So long story short, I would be pretty irritated, too. I might be more open to something after the babies are born if it were several months after they were born, but only as a meet the babies. Not as a shower.

[schmella]

Sept 14, 2016 11:31:22 GMT -5 dream2be3 said:

Sept 14, 2016 10:54:08 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

The whole point of a shower is to help the parents-to-be accumulate stuff to help them navigate parenthood. Having a shower after the fact negates this (unless there are very specific reasons why someone waited).

Plus, and I've expressed this here before - I really wouldn't want people to get caught up in the societal gender expectations - I think it's dumb to wait and see so if it's a girl you can get frilly girl clothes and if it's a boy, they can buy blue clothes with trucks. You need STUFF - strollers, bottles, etc.

I would be pissed at your mom and assume she was behind it.

This is so frustrating. I'm sorry :-(

I feel the same as you about the point of a shower and people getting caught up in the gender. Other then some clothes I bought, I want everything to be gender neutral in case we decide to have another baby.

I have no issue with those that choose to have a shower after if that's what they want. It's just not what I want.

Hey I just don't want it to seem like I think after is NBD- i definitely wouldn't have been happy if it was my only shower!

If your mom is dead set on something after the shower, you could do a sip & see? Usually it's hosted by the parents at their home like an open house, but it doesn't take the place of a shower (usually not a gift giving event) and the people I've known to do this do it a while after birth

[dream2be3]

Sept 14, 2016 13:16:28 GMT -5 schmella said:

Sept 14, 2016 11:31:22 GMT -5 dream2be3 said:

I feel the same as you about the point of a shower and people getting caught up in the gender. Other then some clothes I bought, I want everything to be gender neutral in case we decide to have another baby.

I have no issue with those that choose to have a shower after if that's what they want. It's just not what I want.

Hey I just don't want it to seem like I think after is NBD- i definitely wouldn't have been happy if it was my only shower!

If your mom is dead set on something after the shower, you could do a sip & see? Usually it's hosted by the parents at their home like an open house, but it doesn't take the place of a shower (usually not a gift giving event) and the people I've known to do this do it a while after birth

I didn't think you meant it was NBD. The sip and see is a great idea. If she pushes the issue I will suggest it!

[LydiaDeetz]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Others have mentioned all the points that I would make. A baby shower isn't about your mom's wishes or the guests, it's about you. Ain't nobody got time to run around and take pictures of twins in EVERY cute outfit that's been gifted.

And I'd be totally disappointed if no one had a shower that honored me. ((hugs))

[dukegirlsc]

You aren't being unreasonable at all, I think everyone has already mentioned all of the points I would make but just wanted to say I don't understand what in the world your people are thinking!!

[bocaburger]

My pediatrician says no large gatherings before their 2 month shots so I definitely wouldn't have it before then... and you kind of need stuff before then

[Becca]

You are not being unreasonable at all. I've already told my family we are skipping the holidays this year because of the cold/flu season. I would also stick to your guns about when you want your shower. My shower was this past weekend, my mom ignored everything I asked for and it was a huge disaster. You don't want to leave your shower in tears like I did.

[dream2be3]

Sept 15, 2016 7:03:13 GMT -5 Becca said:

You are not being unreasonable at all. I've already told my family we are skipping the holidays this year because of the cold/flu season. I would also stick to your guns about when you want your shower. My shower was this past weekend, my mom ignored everything I asked for and it was a huge disaster. You don't want to leave your shower in tears like I did.

I'm so sorry your shower was a disaster and you left in tears. I don't understand why people don't get that the shower is about the mother to be.

[Becca]

Sept 15, 2016 17:42:46 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

Oh no! What happened?!

This reminds me of my bridal shower. My mom thought (and you will get this reference being local) it was appropriate to hold my shower at the Hilltop Steakhouse. I died.

Now it's a funny joke since it closed. I couldn't believe it. I felt like such a brat but the last we spoke it was going to be at the Fairmont Copley. Uh, BIG difference.

Ugh, there is a HUGE difference between the two.  To make a long story short, almost my dads entire side of the family boycotted my shower, didn't even bother to RSVP, because of something my mom did.  She didn't even tell me until about 5 minutes before people were supposed to arrive that only 2 of the 12 invited were coming. Her side of the family was there, but it still wasn't what I was expecting. 

[Becca]

Sept 15, 2016 19:12:53 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

Uh, awful. I'm so sorry.

Thanks, it is what it is.  I'm letting my dad handle telling everyone how upset I was.  Don't need my crazy hormones getting in the way of that, lol. 

[dream2be3]

My BFF still hasn't responded to my text back that I was not a fan of having a baby shower after the twinkies are born but she did text me later that day to tell me the $400 litter box she ordered had arrived. Seriuosly? Ugh.

Never in a million years did I think I wouldn't get a baby shower because people want to buy gender specific things and see the babies. I just want to cry...again.

[dream2be3]

Sept 16, 2016 18:00:28 GMT -5 @wineandcupcakes said:

I'm so sorry dream2be3. That just sucks so bad. I'm hoping she took the info and is working towards a better baby shower.

I'd like to think so but if that were the case she would've asked me for some dates or sent me some some sort of response. Thank goodness for registry completion discounts!

[Deleted]

Another vote for not being unreasonable. Showers are to get the stuff you need for a baby/babies. Clothes and all the frilly/fun outfits are not why you are having a shower.

My sister is having her friends do a Sip and See after her baby is born because she wants to be able to drink at her shower... Major eyeroll on that one. Glad I was on the phone! 🙄

[dukegirlsc]

Sept 16, 2016 12:43:32 GMT -5 dream2be3 said:

My BFF still hasn't responded to my text back that I was not a fan of having a baby shower after the twinkies are born but she did text me later that day to tell me the $400 litter box she ordered had arrived. Seriuosly? Ugh.

Never in a million years did I think I wouldn't get a baby shower because people want to buy gender specific things and see the babies. I just want to cry...again.

Is there maybe another friend (without an agenda) that you can talk to about your shower? I would find one of my friends to do it that believed in the way I wanted my shower done! I know that sounds awful but hey in this case it's all about you!!

[dream2be3]

Sept 17, 2016 7:10:17 GMT -5 dukegirlsc said:

Sept 16, 2016 12:43:32 GMT -5 dream2be3 said:

My BFF still hasn't responded to my text back that I was not a fan of having a baby shower after the twinkies are born but she did text me later that day to tell me the $400 litter box she ordered had arrived. Seriuosly? Ugh.

Never in a million years did I think I wouldn't get a baby shower because people want to buy gender specific things and see the babies. I just want to cry...again.

Is there maybe another friend (without an agenda) that you can talk to about your shower? I would find one of my friends to do it that believed in the way I wanted my shower done! I know that sounds awful but hey in this case it's all about you!!

My other BFF is of the mindset that showers (bridal, baby, etc) are hosted by a family. Plus, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking anyone to host a shower for me. I just need to stop whining, get over it and start shopping. The bright side is I shouldn't get a bunch of stuff I'll need/want to return...lol

[dukegirlsc]

dream2be3, well there is that! I'm hoping your friend will come around and decide that you deserve a shower before these babies arrive. Maybe take her with you to register? Then she can see the things you need that are unisex and you can talk about the reasons for having it before they arrive (bedrest, possible NICU time, preparedness...)

[nerdykitten]

I am so sorry they aren't listening to your wishes dream2be3. It kills me how often family thinks they are entitled to our children and plan according to their wants and not our needs.

My kids were in the NICU and I wouldn't let anyone touch them except my husband and the nurses at first and when it got close to one of them coming home my mom was added in since she is a primary caregiver at home. After that unless I knew you had your shots and weren't sick no touching the babies until after they got their 2 month shots. Plus rules about having to wear never smoked in clothing, no exceptions, and of course showering before coming over if you smoke. Hard to monitor those things at sip and sees if you don't know all the people invited.