I am just reading this. I am so sorry for your loss. I am stunned.
I lost a DD at 21 weeks. I did have to take custody of the body by La law. We found a funeral home to come and get her from the hospital and we had her cremated. I have her ashes at home in a silver heart jewelry box that is sealed shut.
I didn't have a D+C. I delivered so I have no experience there.
I know Larry happened. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. Please don't talk to me about coffee. I don't drink it. I don't caffeine. When I state my opinion, that is me chiming in on a topic. This is not me saying you suck at life if you do or feel differently. If I want to say that, I will. If I want to speak on you, I will.
Post by thechickencoop on Sept 21, 2016 11:40:20 GMT -5
Fuck hon, I am so incredibly sorry to see this. Please please be kind to yourself; I know you 'know' that's it's not your fault but make sure you actually remind yourself that. Also there is no right or wrong way to behave or greive. If you guys are laughing and it feels ok, then go with it. If you break down, you break down.
I would also see if your H can get a hold of ANYONE to come stay with your son. Whether that be a hospital social worker or a family friend that's available. While you may want to explain to him what's happening and comfort him I would think it would be best for you and you H to just be together now.
My friend had a very late term loss last year and a kid about the same as yours. She basically tried to be as honest as possible without too much emotion. I think she told him that the baby was not going to be coming to live with them but instead was going to live in heaven with their grandpa. They are not religious at all but the heaven concept was the easiest for her to explain.
She said one of the things that really helped was telling the older kid that they could send the baby a balloon in heaven to say hello whenever they wanted. She said she let about 100 balloons go into the sky in the last year and the helps the older kid with a sort of understanding and also helped her heal.
Like everyone else said, there is no right or wrong way to handle this. Personally I'd probably focus on a brief, age appropriate explanation and then as much distraction as possible, maybe really telling myself he is to young to really understand.
I know I mostly lurk these days, but I just want to say I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Also, regarding your other questions my friend just lost her son at 24 weeks on Saturday. She is having him cremated and she is having a small memorial at her home for close family and friends in a couple weeks. She has also said that loss boards have been a helpful resource. She is also having a ring and necklace made with some of his ashes. I'm not sure what she told her two sons but I think you have had some good ideas presented here. (I'm just telling you this so you have more examples of what others have done, there is no wrong way to handle this, do whatever feels right for you and your family.)
Again I'm so so sorry for your loss and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
TTC since Sept 2012 M/C on 5/01/13 at 8 wks AF finally appeared 11 wks later per Provera Diagnosed with PCOS on 7/29/13 Three Failed Medicated Cycles, NTNP Indefinitely BFP #2 9/14/14, EDD 5/23/15...MMC discovered @ 9w2d; D&C 10/23/14 ***BFP #3 7/4/15, LO born 3/17/16***
Post by boozeplease on Sept 21, 2016 11:59:29 GMT -5
Omg Cher I am so so sorry. So many hugs sent to you and your family.
You've gotten a lot of great advice. However you tell your ds will be the right way. I hope someone can help you with him so you and your dh can have some time. Just take it a day at a time. That's all anyone can do. Oh and fuck that receptionist.
There is no such thing as "inappropriate" here in how you respond. React the way you need to.
And because it can never be said too much: Absolutely no piece of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong, could have done nothing differently.
Post by snowbigdeal on Sept 21, 2016 12:15:22 GMT -5
Oh Cherhorowitz, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there, and it is terrible and unfair and so hard. The Late Loss board here is a great resource. Also I'm sending you a PM. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk with someone who's been in your shoes.
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