Sanity suggestions for terrible twos?

[brachysira]

We don't do art any more.  Every single time it ends in a huge tantrum.  No one can stand to do legos or play cars with her either.  I noticed her playing with a bottle that had liquid in it, so I made a sensory bottle that had more fun liquid, but then she threw a tantrum because she thought it had juice in it that I wouldn't give her, but I did give her juice, but it wasn't that juice...seriously.  I feel like she needs the opportunity to do stuff and she's always excited to paint or bake cookies, but I do not have the energy to both deal with screaming tantrums and do activities.  We pay for a 2 year-old gymnastics class, but she usually just has a fit and we have to leave.  If I just leave her on her own, she'll look at books, and if I'm there, she'll ask to watch TV.  I feel like just books and TV will not help her learn to deal with harder situations...but I feel like an idiot getting out paints when I know that in 20 seconds she'll be screaming and crying.

[laketide]

Also following for advice on this because I need all the help in the world on this one.

My small sanity saver for the day is that my mom is picking her up today and I'm grocery shopping alone - I'm absolutely giddy about this.

[sagen]

With my first tantrums bothered me a lot. I felt like it was kind of a sign I didn't know what I was doing. I know rationally that makes no sense, but I always viewed tantrums as a big puzzle I could never figure out. They always put me on edge because I wanted to be the best mother, and I had no clue what to do about it. I think in the end it made me not as good as a mother as I could be, the trying so hard, and the worry.

Now on my fourth I have been through so many tantrums they rarely phase me, at least not inside the house they don't mean anything other than normal frustrations. She might have more than the normal kid but that's normal for her.

Play Legos or paint or whatever sets her off. If she has a tantrum be really calm, she feeds off of your emotions too. Remove yourself from it, don't let it get to you. Say "we can play again when you have calmed down." Then get up and go somewhere near by, but still away. If it is paint or art stuff take them away to another counter. Tell her if she asks for it that you can play again when she is calmed down, but you yourself have to be calm about it. Eventually she will learn how to handle her emotions, it will take awhile, maturity takes a lot if time and skill. In the mean time she will learn that crying mean we stop, calm means we can play.

The other day I was letting my son watch a train video on the computer so I could get my makeup on, and when I turned it off he freaked. It was seriously 20 mins if him crying. I used that time to wipe counters and pick up. I would tell him "sorry baby no more choo choos videos today, we can do something else when you calm down." Eventually he just got sick of following me around crying, and stopped, and we sat in the couch and read a book.

Personally I don't do time out for tantrums, I just let them run their course, but if you do I think that is fine too. My older kids it calms them down but it makes it worse for my 2 year old. I do time outs for hitting and stuff like that. Eventually I will do time out to let him get a minute to cool off, but I don't think it is effective now for him.

Now I am not at all saying you do anything wrong, or you get mad, or have a hard time with tantrums. I am just giving my opinion from my own experience. This post might have been 100% unhelpful, but I thought I would throw it out there just in case you or anyone else could get some helpful advice. I feel like with my first I made things about a billion times harder, stressed a billion times more than I should. I think I was a good mom to my toddler girl, but I was a better mom to my other toddlers as time went on, I think I just needed that confidence. I think I just needed to let go of perfection, and should, and could, and chill out, and I feel bad for it. Seriously I did nothing wrong wrong, but I wish I would have enjoyed my first more, and stresses less, and just in case someone is in that boat I am throwing it out there.

So sorry if this doesn't pertain, but all in all I do think you should keep trying with things that set her off. Hope that helps.

[laketide]

sagen I needed to hear all of that today. Thank you for posting it!!

[brachysira]

Thanks everyone--I appreciate hearing I'm not alone and also the advice. I tend to remain calm, but I'm starting to wonder if I should be getting a bit more angry actually. I mean, right now, she rejects everything that isn't exactly like she wants. I think I just need to tell her that that makes mom upset and she has to be flexible. But maybe this is just how I feel now, and tomorrow I will remember that it is better to be calm.

[expatmama]

This is all new for me because DS1 has never really thrown a tantrum (I know, there are really kids that are like that, he is just a really chill kid) ... anyway, I don't really know either. If it is a situation where I need him to make a choice (the choices often being - put on your snowsuit/boots/hat or run around outside in the freezing cold) I will usually just wait until he makes a decision I will push him to 'make a choice' because really all he wants to do is stand there and say NONONONONO! But if it is just a tantrum where he is mad because he cannot play with X,Y of Z (which is usually a container full of sewing needles or a glass candle holder) then I will just let him calm down on his own after I remove the object.

It sucks. But he does have a harder time of things. His big brother wasn't constantly surrounded by things he could not play with...

[cinnasugar]

Agree on most of the points regarding the tantrums.  Also, one thing that may or may not be relevant - I couldn't tell exactly - but I find that planning for those 'bigger' activities is key.  For example, if the kids want to bake cookies or paint other involved projects I do all the prep work ahead of time (measuring and mixing dry ingredients for cookies, getting all the paints out, etc) so that they just get to do the fun part.  Remember that their attention span is like zero, so they aren't going to have patience for all the prep work, and by the time they get to the fun part, they've probably lost interest.  Then they are frustrated because they haven't done the fun part, and you are frustrated because you are in the middle of a project that is halfway done.  Just thought I'd throw that out there...

[brachysira]

Yeah, you know, this is not a communication issue...we really never had those. It's not a "I can't have that" issue, because we've worked through that mostly. It's a "I am the boss" issue. She wants to paint, but she does not want me to help her get paint on her brush, even if she can't figure out how to rub the water into the water color. She wants to bake, but she does not want my help stirring even if she can't get things mixed. She wants to play cars, but you are not allowed to actually do anything. She wants to build, but you are not allowed to stabilize the tower even though you know she will be mad when it topples and even though you explain that a bigger lego on the bottom will prevent it. She tells you she has to poop, and then crouches down and goes, but she does not want to sit on the potty. She wants you to read, but then when you show the baby the pictures too, she picks up another book and "reads" it aloud while you are reading. She wants to color, but you cannot touch the paper to hold it in place, even though she isn't holding it down and can't make a mark because the paper is sliding with the crayon tip. God forbid you place some tape on it. She wants a story, but only in the guest bed, even if we don't play there. She likes to practice jumping, but don't mention it. She likes to tell you her name is M...but don't ask her. She is excited about the mats, but don't make any suggestions about how to play on them. She may want to play catch, but do not suggest it...

[sagen]

I would pick your battles. Let her figure out how to get paint on her brush, let her paint with out tape, let her learn how to stack her own Lego tower. Stay firm on some things. If you are baking and she won't let you help say " you can let mommy mix help or you can stop baking." That is one to put your foot down since unmixed baked goods are nasty. If she cries you decide for her "well I guess you are done helping now, you can go play here while mommy finishes up." If you are reading a book say "let's finish this one for the baby then read this one." If she cries let her cry. If you don't want her in the guest bed don't ever let her, just make it a no across the board then it will be clear and easier. It sounds like she is an independent girl, let her find her own way with blocks and mats. Be firm and consistent with things you feel are important. Example I do not let my son walk around if we go out to dinner. So I say "you can sit here with us and eat, or you can sit in a highchair, but you may not walk around. " If he cries and disturbs others we leave, or one if us takes him to the car to not ruin others dinning experience. Usually distraction works well though. That is something I never budge on and already he has learned that I am not budging on that, he is not walking around. It is about being calm but firm. Deciding what you will not allow and being consistent. Also picking battles. If it is not hurting anyone let her explore playing her own way.

[puck1182]

I think sagen gave really good advice. Pick your battles and let tantrums run their course. I find that DD calms down MUCH faster from a tantrum if I just get up and walk away than if I try to discipline her, and they are less likely to happen when I don't try to micromanage everything she does. I mostly stick to safety issues and when necessary schedule issues. If she wants to, say, wear a different outfit than I've picked for her, I just go with it, but if she is bouncing around on the couch like a crazy person, I will put my foot down.

[brachysira]

Yes, I agree at least in theory. It's just that we don't get very far with anything. We never do an art activity because it doesn't get off the ground, since any demonstration or suggestion result in screaming, even if she literally cannot get the paint on the brush, etc. Last week, DH gave her popcorn after dinner, and so for a week, she says she's done with dinner without eating (even foods she likes), and then goes and immediately requests popcorn, and then has a tantrum when we don't make it (and so hasn't eaten dinner this week). She just seems to be missing out on a lot. I have decided not to sign us up for any more classes because she ruins them for others and doesn't get anything out of them. If you try to point out something interesting (hey look at this huge pile of ants), she won't look (no no no). I just want to be able to spend time with her instead of being like, okay, here are your toys, have at it, and leaving it at that, but I really can't get much else going. I am happy to wait if she's just not mature enough, but I'm just not sure she'll get better if I don't try to engage her.

[sagen]

Why not play along with her but your own tower, and your paints etc.. Then you can say " look I am building my tower with the big block on bottom so it can get really tall, let's count the blocks, blah blah " That way she can do her own thing, but you are engaging her. "See how I dip my brush in, that is how you get the paint on you try." Show her an empty popcorn box and say "no more popcorn, it's gone, can you throw the box away?" Then at dinner time maybe she will remember.

[cinnasugar]

Well, you've pretty much described my daughter in the independent, I can do it myself department. When she was about this age (DD is now 4), we would try to get her to hold our hands to cross the street and she would grab her own hands in front of herself, and say, 'No - I hold it myself!' Anyway, we had her in gymnastics last summer which was a disaster because she didn't want to wait her turn and wanted to run over to do the bars when they were supposed to be on the floor, etc. She is just now getting to a point where we can do those types of classes, but even now, she only participates about half the time in her ballet class.

I've read you describe your DD before and my advice to you would be to be patient with her. She's very independent and while that will take her far in the long run, it is sooo hard, especially with a two year old who cannot, or, more likely, chooses not to, reason with you. Anyway, don't feel bad if she can't sit through a class or an activity. Just let her go -she IS only two and that other stuff will come with time, eventually. You aren't boring her if you don't sign her up for activities because she doesn't have the patience to sit through them. At this age, everything she does is learning of some sort.

[brachysira]

Feb 12, 2015 21:20:31 GMT -5 sagen said:

Why not play along with her but your own tower, and your paints etc.. Then you can say " look I am building my tower with the big block on bottom so it can get really tall, let's count the blocks, blah blah " That way she can do her own thing, but you are engaging her. "See how I dip my brush in, that is how you get the paint on you try." Show her an empty popcorn box and say "no more popcorn, it's gone, can you throw the box away?" Then at dinner time maybe she will remember.

This works, except for the addressing her part.  I played "memory" with some sesame street cards myself.  I would pick up two and say, "match" or "no match."  I asked her if she wanted to play with me first, and she ran away screaming, so I just played myself and now she picks them up and says "match" or "no match" correctly.  She still doesn't get the turn taking, because that is really hard to demonstrate by oneself.  I counted things forever myself, and now she counts things.  But seriously, she answers "no" to every question as a default, without listening, even if she then decides yes when she sees what it is.  She reacts badly to statements such as "see how I..."  I just talk to myself and pretend like I don't care if she's watching...  She will eat many foods only if I eat it and pretend like I'm not planning on giving her any.  it's really not that charming of a relationship, but that's were we are at these days.  It has to get better when it gets warmer and we can actually go outside...

[sagen]

Sounds like you are doing a good job, just keep on knowing that with your guidance her independence and strong will will be an asset someday. It makes for some fantastic tantrums in the mean time

[rosebean]

Have you tried having a "calm down spot"? When DS is having a freak out or melt down, I ask him if he want to go to his spot to calm down. We then take him to the couch and sit with him quietly until he calms himself down. When he's quiet, we ask him if he's ready to resume what we had started or if he wants something different. I find he's really good at calming himself down, and it gives me a moment to feel more relaxed.