My dear diary *XP from CAL*

[nikolie93]

Hey ladies! This is an XP from CAL and I didn't want to leave you out. You all have also helped me so very much and I thank you!


Hi. I'd like to apologize ahead of time if I ramble. I have so much to say but I'm having a hard time getting it all out because I don't want this to look like "Oh look at me" post.

I thought alot about posting this and finally decided that I needed to... For me.

Two shitty things (other pregnancies briefly mentioned)

1. MH and I finally talked about finishing the room that was to be the nursery. During our second pregnancy we took the time to gut it, fix some walls, and paint. We got as far as the painting before the MC. We left it alone because we were going to continue trying. We cleaned it once again during the 3rd pregnancy. And now there it sits. Walls all patched up, needing some TLC. It's going to be so very hard moving forward because it's going to look completely different than what I really want it to be... A nursery.

2. Someone looked at me yesterday after I told them we decided to stop trying and they said "why are you giving up?" And this came from someone with 4 little ones that had never experienced a loss. So fuck her and fuck my life.

So, I've been blah. The real reason for this post is because I think I need to step away for a bit. I know that some may think I'm crazy for needing to say this instead of just leaving since I've only known you lades since October but you all helped me so much. I got attached to you all, because that's what I do. And I'm going to miss the hell out of you.

I took today to think about things and I feel guilty for leaving. Because I want to support you all and I want you to all succeed in your journey. I can't help but check out CAR (all the time) and I'm so happy when I see a grad but I'm also sad for me and that's a special kind of mind fuck. I feel bad about that

I don't know how I'm going to stay away from you all and maybe in time it will be easier for me. It's so hard because you all make me laugh during my shitty times. It will be so hard to quit you. (and I may not be able to cold turkey)

Regardless of what happens just know that I will forever be cheering you on and always be thinking of you.

One more thing, I am sure I will check PM's so if anyone ever needs to chat about me and MH's decison, I will be there.

[boobacat]

(Hugs) sent your way. You have to do what's right for you. I've enjoyed reading your support and wit and will miss you. Best wishes.

[b0710]

I understand why you would need a break. Do what is best for you. You'll be missed for sure!

[aswedishbee]

I miss you already.
{ h u g s }

[wirt2cute]

Sending you big huge (((HUGS)))). Take the time that you need to take to heal yourself. You will be missed, I know that I chuckle a little every time I see your avatar.

[nikolie93]

Thank you, ladies. I may not be gone forever but I do need some time away I think

So much to you all and I will forever have my FX for you!

[lolbraun]

Hi, I know I haven't been posting long, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an amazing lady who has given us so much kindness, laughter and support. I think everyone would agree that you need to do what is best for you! I hope that you get the peace you need. Any time you want to come back I know you'd be welcomed with open arms.

[lucylulu]

Totally understand your decision. You've been suoer supportive and I'm thankful for thst!

[meredithcarole]

I am sorry that you are in such a painful place. I totally understand why you would want to step away for a while. I hope that the time away from constant reminders of the trials and tribulations of the TTC world prove to be therapeutic for you. ((Hugs))

[wannabmama]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I will miss you so very much! I understand needing the break and taking care of yourself first, though. I wish you peace, love, and joy. I am sending you hugs and best wishes!

[agpjt413]

[URMySunshine77]

I was just thinking about how awesome you are today, nikolie93. I am seriously going to miss the hell out of you. You're such a supportive member and friend in multiple boards.

Please do what is best for you. You are always welcome and loved here.

[WVaRN]

<<<hugs>>>

[nikolie93]

Thank you so much ladies. So much to you!

[vh2014]

I'll miss you! But I totally get the need to slip away.

[luvmyponies]

You absolutely need to do what's best for you. You need to come first. I can't say I won't miss you, but I completely understand your decision and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Fuck that woman with the four kids who can't see life through anyone's eyes but her own. (((hugs)))

[winogirl]

tons and tons of creepy internet hugs

[KirstenAlecia]

Im so so sad to read this because I totally get it. At least the part about the emotions making it hard.

While i have no news from tests or Dr visits that suggest we are out of the game (yet) I understand the emotional burden.

I haven't been active much in effort to take my mind away. I wander back in it seems because honestly for me........my mind never leaves it.

I for one hope you keep in touch. You will be terribly missed while you are away.

[nikolie93]

Feb 18, 2015 1:56:15 GMT -5 KirstenAlecia said:

Im so so sad to read this because I totally get it. At least the part about the emotions making it hard.

While i have no news from tests or Dr visits that suggest we are out of the game (yet) I understand the emotional burden.

I haven't been active much in effort to take my mind away. I wander back in it seems because honestly for me........my mind never leaves it.

I for one hope you keep in touch. You will be terribly missed while you are away.