PGAL/PAIF Check-In (10/18-10/24)

[caer]

Pregnant After Loss / Pregnant After Infertility (PGAL/PAIF) check-in is posted once a week (generally on a Monday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss or a history of infertility and are now pregnant. Anyone who participates may start the thread each week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning or spoiler if you decide to talk about any living children.

PGAL Mantras

SPOILER: Click to show

Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.



I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.



My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c.



Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you. We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!



Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot jinx your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!



There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (God forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive"

How far along are you?

How are you doing Physically/Emotionally?

Any upcoming appointments or tests?

Updates/Questions/Rants/Raves:

GTKY: How has your IF and/or loss journey changed you? Has anything positive come out of it?

[mosdub]

How far along are you? 16w3d

How are you doing Physically/Emotionally? Physically I'm doing just fine. I don't even feel pregnant aside from being more aware of my uterus now. Emotionally I'm good, but now that I've begun telling coworkers I'm having fears of having to tell them all about a loss. It sucks to think like that, and I hope I don't ever have to do that again. I have been telling myself that bad things can happen ANY time, and to just embrace the happy right now while it's happy.

Any upcoming appointments or tests? I AW'ed all over about my Monday appointment, but in case you missed it - I had an excellent appointment with a really nice ultrasound tech (she was way sweeter and more talkative than my last one with the loss). She was really reassuring and explained everything she was measuring. We found out we are team blue! My doctor said "everything looks good, there were a couple of things I would have liked to see but it's too early so we will look again at 20 weeks." Which of course sent me into a "WHAT DIDN'T THEY SEE?" worry but I'm ignoring the worry. Hopefully if he saw a potential issue he would have told me. I had at least 2 nurses tell me it was unusual to have a 16 week ultrasound. Really? Is it that weird?


Updates/Questions/Rants/Raves: Nope! Just that I'm slowly telling society I'm pregnant and I'm scared! I will tell students at Halloween probably.

GTKY: How has your IF and/or loss journey changed you? Has anything positive come out of it? I think I've been able to offer help to women who have been through molar pregnancies and I understand the complicated emotions that come with it. I'm a part of some molar pregnancy groups in other areas and I think I have valuable insight for those whose heads are spinning from a recent diagnosis. I hate to say this because no matter what I would have loved my angel baby, but I think having experienced the loss I am maybe more appreciative of healthy ultrasounds and healthy updates? I want to say though that I don't think that either of those things were the "reason" I had my loss - I don't know why these horrible things happen to people and it has always bugged me when people say "everything happens for a reason". Maybe it doesn't. Maybe shit just happens and you have to do your best to react in a way that helps you grow and learn and maybe be able to help others.

[caer]

Yay for a great scan and for feeling good mosdub! And for team blue, of course. I hadn't really thought about it before but I guess 16 weeks is an unusual time for a scan. It's too late for the NT scan, too early for the A/S and waaay too early for a growth scan. So I guess there really isn't any medical reason to do a scan around that time. But regardless, it's so awesome your doc would do one for you! And even better that all looks great!

[mosdub]

Oct 18, 2016 17:29:47 GMT -5 caer said:

Yay for a great scan and for feeling good mosdub ! And for team blue, of course. I hadn't really thought about it before but I guess 16 weeks is an unusual time for a scan. It's too late for the NT scan, too early for the A/S and waaay too early for a growth scan. So I guess there really isn't any medical reason to do a scan around that time. But regardless, it's so awesome your doc would do one for you! And even better that all looks great!

Yeah I explained to one of the nurses that last time I had a healthy 10 week ultrasound and then we discovered the loss and a cancerous placenta at the 20 week appointment so I was just nervous to wait so long between ultrasounds lol.  I'm so glad they were understanding and I made sure to thank the doctor for letting me get an additional ultrasound for peace of mind.  Not sure how insurance will be billed, but hopefully it all works out. 

[caer]

Oct 18, 2016 18:11:49 GMT -5 mosdub said:

Oct 18, 2016 17:29:47 GMT -5 caer said:

Yay for a great scan and for feeling good mosdub ! And for team blue, of course. I hadn't really thought about it before but I guess 16 weeks is an unusual time for a scan. It's too late for the NT scan, too early for the A/S and waaay too early for a growth scan. So I guess there really isn't any medical reason to do a scan around that time. But regardless, it's so awesome your doc would do one for you! And even better that all looks great!

Yeah I explained to one of the nurses that last time I had a healthy 10 week ultrasound and then we discovered the loss and a cancerous placenta at the 20 week appointment so I was just nervous to wait so long between ultrasounds lol.  I'm so glad they were understanding and I made sure to thank the doctor for letting me get an additional ultrasound for peace of mind.  Not sure how insurance will be billed, but hopefully it all works out. 

Hopefully insurance will cover it, given your history. That's so wonderful your doctor is understanding and willing to listen to your input!

[amacbaby]

Mosdub, I can really relate to the "not everything happens for a reason" idea. My mom passed away at 18 and a lot of people told me that and it has really bothered me ever since. But like you said, it doesn't mean we can't eventually find positives or lessons in something bad happening.

[mosdub]

amacbaby I'm so sorry about your Mom I know people just think it's a nice thing to say but it's really hurtful and maddening to hear that. It's certainly nothing I would ever say to someone going through any type of loss.

[caer]

I'm so sorry for your loss amacbaby.

Re: everything happens for a reason. Have you guys read this blog post that was being circulated earlier this year? I really love it and it does a good job of explaining why that phrase is never helpful. www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

[glb30]

I'm sorry for your loss amacbaby.

mosdub I have similar feelings about my reactions to good ultrasounds, etc.

I'm going against the grain here and saying I actually find comfort that everything happens for a reason. I guess to me it's more upsetting to think I'm dealing with shitty things for no reason whatsoever. I never say it though bc I know not everyone finds comfort in that phrase.

AFM-

17 weeks, 3 days.

I'm doing good all around right now. I was AW'ing about no bump, and no movement yesterday, but today I'm not as nervous. Things are day to day here.

My next appointment is a week from today- regular OB appointment.

Updates: I think we have a name. Also, I started a new job today. I mentioned in the interview that I was pregnant and everyone knows. Similar to mosdub, I'm afraid of all of this, but trying to put fear out of my mind and enjoy this pregnancy.

QOTW: For sure. My H and I started TTC when I turned 30. Really only bc we'd been married 5 years, and I was 30. We got pregnant the first month off BC, and I was terrified/not even sure I was ready for kids. My losses, and subsequent IF, made me more sure in our decision to have kids, my marriage stronger and me a little bit more empathic in ways that extend past IF, and losses.

ETA: I can't articulate properly, but just bc I wasn't sure if we were ready, doesn't mean I regretted getting pregnant or anything. We wanted that baby very much. If anything, that first loss was the hardest of them all.

[mosdub]

glb30, I know what you meant about the loss making you more firm in your decision. I went through the same line of thinking, and I think that is what I was trying to say too. Glad you're new job knows, hope you enjoy the extra attention and encouragement from your new work place!

[caer]

I'm not going to formally check-in this week but I need to vent/chat/whatever. This post might be trigger-y, just so you know.

I feel like I've seen a lot of articles online and on FB this week about late term issues in pregnancy. These were all in response to Trump and his (dumbass) remarks at the debate about 9 month abortions. Most of the stories were from women who were faced with the heartbreaking decision to terminate later in pregnancy due to life threatening concerns for either them or the baby. I'm really proud of these women for sharing their stories. But wow, did it send me spiraling this week. Our A/S should be scheduled soon and I'm just terrified of finding something majorly wrong. I hate how easily my confidence in this pregnancy can be shaken these days.

[glb30]

caer I'm also real nervous about the anatomy scan. Hopefully we are able to relax after they are done! Hugs- this shit is scary!

[mosdub]

Oct 21, 2016 13:13:45 GMT -5 caer said:

I'm not going to formally check-in this week but I need to vent/chat/whatever. This post might be trigger-y, just so you know.

I feel like I've seen a lot of articles online and on FB this week about late term issues in pregnancy. These were all in response to Trump and his (dumbass) remarks at the debate about 9 month abortions. Most of the stories were from women who were faced with the heartbreaking decision to terminate later in pregnancy due to life threatening concerns for either them or the baby. I'm really proud of these women for sharing their stories. But wow, did it send me spiraling this week. Our A/S should be scheduled soon and I'm just terrified of finding something majorly wrong. I hate how easily my confidence in this pregnancy can be shaken these days.

I know, I thought the way Hillary handled that topic was graceful and respectful, and any woman or family who had to face those horrible decisions would have appreciated her words.  

I was about to post a little vent/worry here too and it's similar to your emotions.  I had a fantastic 16 week ultrasound and the doctor said everything looked good but he still wants to see a couple things on the 20 weeks.  I don't think he was trying to make me think there was something suspicious on the ultrasound but of course that's what my brain jumps to. 

After that ultrasound I told all of my coworkers and they are SO excited.  They want to throw me a baby shower in TWO WEEKS (they want to do it on our teacher work day and I'll be out on maternity leave by the next one we have).  That's before my official A/S.  I told my work friend that I feel a little uncomfortable with it since I'll only be 19 weeks, but she said I need to let other people be happy for me and to embrace this pregnancy.  I know she's right, but with my last pregnancy no one even talked about a shower before 20 weeks, so why now?  Why so soon?  I'm scared that some horrible surprise will pop up in the A/S and then I'll have all this baby stuff given to me by people and I'll have to box it all up like I had to last time too.  

But then loss can happen at any time, so maybe my coworker is right and I just need to embrace life right now and stop imagining the worst case scenario all the time.  

It would be SO NICE to be one of those women who don't even think about loss or devastating circumstances.  "Oh, you want to plan me a baby shower before my anatomy scan?  Sure!  I'm sure everything will be peachy anyway!"

ANYWAY caer, sorry for my own rant in response to yours - I guess I'm just having the same fears right now and it sucks that PGAL never really goes away.  *hugs* I'm sure your A/S and the remainder of your pregnancy will go smoothly.  

[caer]

Thank you glb30. ❤️

Lots of (((hugs))) mosdub. That's really sweet of your coworkers, but I can understand why it would make you anxious. Your friend is really right and I want to - and am trying to - enjoy each moment that things are ok. But boy is it hard. I'm sorry you've had similar fears.

[kristhegirl]

Lurking you guys today - the vitriol about "partial birth abortion" made me filled with rage at their ignorance and sympathy for everyone who has experienced loss and now has to deal with this horseshit. Nothing about loss is fair, but this feels especially heinous since it's everywhere this week.

All my love and light to you ladies.

[mosdub]

That's reassuring renegadewhit, thank you I'm sorry you guys are in life limbo right now with the house and the job situation. I hope it all naturally works out quickly for you!

[mosdub]

. I'm sorry your sister is internalizing and being irrational in her reactions. I hope in time she can balance out and see her selfishness, but if not, I hope you can be okay with letting there be some distance.