Multiple Mom Guilt

[richzep]

No sage advice. Same boat. Sometimes I'm jealous of moms of singletons who can just carry their kid and comfort them when they're crying. I mean I was that mom with DS1 but now I feel like I'm constantly letting them down. You're crying? Sorry. I need a second. I'm tending to your twin or your brother. You need some attention for a second? Sorry. I'm busy with another kid. Oh I guessed that caused another tantrum. What do you know?
If they were just one, we could easily avoid the tantrums and need for attention. I keep remembering my older son as a baby and I'm like he was the happiest kid ever! But looking back it's because he got the attention he needed. There was no reason to throw a tantrum or be upset. The twins? Different story. They have to wait their turn to be comforted.
All this to say, this is what happens with anybody who has multiple children. It's not a twin thing. It's a sibling thing. Our attention is divided and for better or worse, they become who they become because of it.
I tell myself that my twins are going to grow up to be super patient adults. (I hope I'm right!)

[nomnom]

I may not be able to play with them individually except in small spurts or when MH and I both take them out, but they have each other to play with. I think the trade off is worth it when I hear them giggling in their cribs after I put them to bed.

[callmeKD]

I think this kind of guilt comes with having a second child (whether it's a multiple or not.) I already have guilt knowing that DD won't have our exclusive attention plus the guilt of knowing that I won't be able to focus on just one baby while on leave, etc.

I don't have any solutions or advice, only commiseration.

[schmella]

Certainly not a BTDT mom, but I find in moments like those it helps to remind myself of the positive side of the trade off- sure that one on one time is rare for me, but I bet your friend is equally jealous that your LOs are happy for a few minutes without you. I certainly don't get to be the mama I planned to be, but it's not all bad.

[Squishy622]

We've had a handful of days lately when only one twin is home sick. It literally feels like nirvana to be able to focus completely on one baby at a time. But it also feels weird, because that's just not the dynamic that we've built with them. I don't usually feel guilty about the lack of 1-on-1 time because, especially with our big around, there just aren't enough minutes in most days. And it's not like it's in the realm of possibility, we are doing the best we can to give them all the attention they need. I hope that as they get older we'll be able to rotate and make it happen more.

[anakah]

I didn't have a lot of guilt when the twins were little. I felt like I was doing the best I could and in terms of not being one on one with each them I felt like I was fostering their independence better than singleton moms. I did have a ton of jealousy towards singleton moms because it just looked so easy with one baby vs. two.

Since having #3, I have a lot of hindsight guilt. I spend a lot if one on one time with the baby while the twins entertain themselves. I hate to think that the twins have some sort of residual memory about their infancy/toddler time and not getting that same level of attention. Or that somehow I love the baby more than the twins.

Now that the twins are in kinder, the guilt had changed. I put them in separate classes so they could develop individually. One teacher is a lot more hw intensive than the other so I have guilt about how much more time I am spending on academics with one vs the other while still tending to the toddlers needs.

I'm just rambling now and have no advice. Try to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. The kids don't know any different from the love you are already showering on them and that's really all that matters.

[mrsf0831]

No advice, but I like the idea of taking them separately. My guilt is I don't play with them enough (mainly at home) I stay home with them and just when they quietly play I take that opportunity to clean something. I do try to get out with them a lot though, but like your son both mines are all over the place touching stuff. Like do they ever stay put and play with 1 thing hahah. They also drain me and my patience a lot between the tantrums,fighting,biting and not quiet listening yet. Some "fun activities " I try to do don't last more than like 15 mins haha

[chiwifey]

I totally get it, @feegan . I feel guilt all the time because I had a singleton first and I know what how special that one on one time was and hate that I don't get that with each of the twins. I try to remind myself of all the special aspects of being/having twins and know that I am doing the best I possibly can and I know they feel loved. I think richzep said it perfectly with this :

"All this to say, this is what happens with anybody who has multiple children. It's not a twin thing. It's a sibling thing. Our attention is divided and for better or worse, they become who they become because of it.
I tell myself that my twins are going to grow up to be super patient adults."

[anakah]

I wanted to add that no matter how much guilt I have, it is totally worth seeing my kids being sweet to each other. I love that they will always have each other to rely on.