No motivation

[brachysira]

I feel like my child lacks motivation due to a fear that she won't succeed.  You may recall that we got OT, and one of the main milestone things that concerned them was that she could not put on her shoes.  But I think what they concluded and what I think too, is that she could but she wouldn't try.  She now does it but with tons of begging for help, crying in frustration, getting distracted, etc. but she still often doesn't even really get started before she's given up.  Her friend at school can do a cartwheel and DD wishes she could, but my child doesn't ever want to practice gymnastics at home and she's timid at class, doing the least or refusing to do things that she can do unless the instructor will help her.  My child loves being read to, knows some sight words, and can sound out words pretty easily, but she doesn't want to read easy readers even though she has success when she'll try.  We often go to a drop-in dance class where you pretty much just do a bunch of silly movements as dictated by teacher-narratives, and my child has been going for a year and loves it, so she's one of the oldest and most capable, but this week she didn't want to go.  I thought maybe she was getting bored with the class, but later she said she didn't want to go because she couldn't do some of the movements.  I know that she's 3, and mostly she should be playing, but she loves letters and books, so I thought she would enjoy reading.  We do indoor sports classes as a way to get exercise when it's too cold to play outside for long periods, and my goal for last year was that she just not become hysterical during class, but I'm starting to feel like my kid is the only one who doesn't move up and I'm wondering if we should even keep going.  My friend tells me that balance bikes saved them this fall, as her girls, ages 2 and 4, love to ride them around their apartment complex every day.  My child did not touch hers all spring and summer and has recently tried for a few minutes once in a while after seeing so many children doing it.  I'm wondering if this is a parenting thing and I'm doing something that is discouraging her.  Or if she needs a psychologist to work though some anxiety.  Or if this is just a 3 year-old thing and the halcyon days of your child enjoying anything you suggest are gone for good. Edit--one more thing.  She writes the first two letters of her name perfectly and has for nearly a year.  But she says those are the only ones she can write and won't try any other letters.  When she was 2, she sometimes would try to make other letters, but now she never tries.  When she was 2, she would draw suns and rainbows, but now she doesn't try to draw anything because she's not good at it.  At school, they have activities where they are supposed to color something almost every day, and hers just has scribbles all over it although I've seen her color with more precision in the past.

[beenandgone]

Of all the things you listed your child can't do, the only one my Feb 13 can do is rude his bike.

I'm lucky my kid even knows his name! :-) He can count to 5, but he doesn't know his letters. He can't spell his name, and the only words he can "read" are Wal-Mart, Target, and Meijer. At this age, I'm just happy to not have to wipe his butt for him.

Honestly, it sounds like she's feeling pressure to do too many things. She's afraid to try because she doesn't want to disappoint you, and she senses your frustration over her refusal to try, which sets the cycle. She sounds like she just needs a break.

I know that you've said in the past that she needs all these activities, but what about something like group play instead of structured classes? She just sounds overwhelmed, and yes, a little anxious to disappoint you.

[brachysira]

Your kid sounds totally normal except that the OTs were horrified DD wasn't getting dressed at 3. I also wipe for her. But I don't feel like I'm pushing her because we've been here forever. Like, I don't care if she writes, but I don't want her to stop drawing rainbows because they're not perfect. She loves gymnastics (and we only do it for the cold months), but she just is no longer brave. I wouldn't expect her to read except that she's known her letters and their sounds since about 18 months, and I just want to keep the momentum going. Last year, she forgot some letters and their sounds because we always just did active things appropriate for a 1 year-old (since DS), so I feel like I am doing her a disservice if I don't provide her with activities that allow her to progress and explore what she is capable of...

[wineandcake]

To me it sounds like just way too much. I wouldn't be able to keep up with that many activities and I doubt my kid would participate in any of them. I would focus on one or two things, over scheduling and over stimulating could be a cause for not wanting to. I know you say she needs to be doing something, but it really seems like too much and maybe she needs a chance to focus on one thing and Excell in that before adding in even more.

[brachysira]

Well, I read some advice online--you've probably heard this, but not saying "good job" or "wow, you did the whole puzzle" and instead saying, "I'm proud of how you worked hard on that" or "I love how you tried to put your sock on all by yourself" can help because your kid feels like you care about the process rather than completion or success. And not saying "you're so smart" but instead, "interesting, how did you have that idea?" will help them feel that your approval is not contingent on their successful performance. So trying that, and a few hours in, it seems good.

I don't feel like we're over-scheduled. DD has 3 mornings of preschool, and the other two mornings DS goes and she and I do something fun, which might be storytime, reading books, outdoor playgroup, playing at home, going to an indoor playground, etc. Everyone comes home and since preschool is only 2.2 hours, we may have a park playdate in the late morning or we might watch a bit of TV. Everyone rests and plays alone, and then in the evening, we might go to the park, have a baby-sitter take them to the park, or play inside. On Saturday mornings she can choose to do the movement class if she wants, and on Sunday afternoon is gymnastics.

I'm not pushing her but she can choose to draw, and if she does, I might ask if she wants to write some letters or draw a ghost for Halloween. She says, "You do it" and I do, but I suggest she tries too. If she wants to play a reading game on my computer, I encourage her to try some of the ones that involve reading instead of just the ones that involve passive watching. If she wants to do ninja tricks off the couch, I ask if she wants to work on her cartwheel.

[beenandgone]

Eta: This was in response to your second reply. You write faster than I do.

And I understand that feeling completely. With 4 children, it's a constant struggle about not giving the same "things" to the little kids that my oldest had. The deference is, we simply can't afford some activities any more. When DD1 was 2, creative dance vote her was $35/8 weeks (4 sessions total) and $10 for the recital. That was through the Y. They have since moved dance out of the Y and to its own company, and now it's $85/8 weeks over 3 sessions, and the last $85 season you can only attend of you are going to the recital, but the recital is another $100+ depending on the class and costume. Its insane. And that cost is ONLY for the 2-3yo creative dance classes, not the Ballet and Tap DD1 was taking, at almost double the cost.

But back to your child. Some knowledge "forgetting" is completely normal and acceptable. Remember when she was a tiny baby and would learn a new skill like shaking a rattle, and she would do it all the time. Then she learned that she could open a book, and she never shook the rattle again. (Just examples ) She didn't really FORGET, it was just a skill that went unpracticed. After a while she would start again. If your child knows her letters, great! Review them occasionally, play games with them. But don't push reading. Maybe try more sight words for a couple months. Give her a chance to decompress and unwind and remember that learning is super fun, not stressful. If she says that an S makes a K sounds, play out off as silly and remind her again. Honestly, my 9 year old still does that sometimes. Is it annoying as crap? Absolutely, but it's her coping mechanism when she needs to take a step back. I wouldn't worry about letters until at least 1st grade, and reading until at least 3rd (with the understanding that those benchmarks represent a point at which it might be more than being silly, and need more consistent correction).

Positive reinforcement, and try not to worry. Even if you never express disappointment, if you are frustrated with lack of progress on any given topic, your child will sense it and it seems like she is responding to that with anxiety and frustration on her part. She doesn't want to do the balance bike, try a tricycle. She doesn't want to ride a trike, try a scooter. No scooter, try a slide. Or waking on a curb, or a balance beam, or monkey bars and jungle climbers. Build with oversized blocks. Make towers and knock them over. Do it again. All of these activities build large muscle groups.

Get some stringing beads, or use yarn and noodles, use legos to build, lacing cards, scribble pages, finger paint. These all develops small muscle control necessary for writing.

If in a few months she's still not interested in reading, try more theory with her and looking for the point behind each tale. Read Bernstein bears visit hospital friend, and ask what they learned. Yeah they see cousin Fred, but they learned all about the different departments of the hospital and who works in them, and how they can help people.

I still stand by giving her a break from activities, or at least structured ones. Don't quit gymnastics permanently, but maybe take a month off (again, example because I can't see all the activities she does). Do something more like an hour of play at a bounce house play land. She's still getting physical exertion, but doing so in a play fashion. Do story hour at the library, but if she wants to pay with the toy kitchen instead of listen to the book, be okay with that. Ask her when it's time to go what the story was about. You'll be surprised how much she will pick up passively.

Lastly, of course, these are all just suggestions and they come from the most sincere place in my heart. I genuinely hope nothing comes across any other way. You alone knew your child best and you are an amazing mom who is doing a great job with everything. I am sincerely impressed with the skills your child has versus mine, and even a bit jealous.

[seadragon2013]

brachysira, I think focusing on praising hard work and trying new things instead of intelligence/getting things right is a really good start. I am a product of parents who, while well-meaning, predominantly praised intelligence and achievement. A lot of this happens naturally if you have a high achieving kid, so you may really have to try hard to step back from it. It was hard on my self-esteem and mental health, especially in my 20s when I was suddenly surrounded by other grad students who were at least as high achieving as me and where determination and hard work were what set people apart.

Good luck.

[pinkie]

I don't know your daughter at all, but in my experience of observing my 3 year old as well as friends 3 and 4 year olds, these kids are still so little, are learning, are testing boundaries and have no idea what they want half the time. They are told they are big kids but they may still feel like they are little.

My kid can put on his underwear and pants but he often wants me to do it. I don't think of it as lack of motivation but just him struggling between being a baby and transitioning to being a kid. He likes me to carry him, he gets comfort from it. I make him walk a lot but sometimes I do carry him. I know he can walk. He likes me to feed him, he can use a fork totally fine by himself. He definitely likes to be babied and I walk the line of trying to not force him to be big before he is ready and encouraging him to continue to become somewhat more independent.

It's great your daughter can read a bit, but maybe she just wants you or someone else read to her. I don't see it as her not wanting to progress but maybe she wants to still be dependent on you or maybe she just isn't ready to do all this yet, even though she can. Heck, my son can't even recognize one letter! He knows when he sees a 1, 2 or 3 maybe this is just too big for her, even if she is advanced.

I feel you are trying to make sure your daughter has the opportunities to grow academically and socially and I think it's great you give her these opportunities but I think you need to remember she is only 3.

[brachysira]

Yeah, this is a good point too. My kids are never carried...my son just turned 2, and he's walked everywhere for a year... They are just too heavy. But DD loves to sit on my lap and if I give her more love and babying, she will appreciate it.