Trouble Connecting?

[Deleted]

I could have wrote this for both pregnancies.

I'm trying to get more "into" this pregnancy but honestly I didn't feel a connection to DS until after he was born. I have a feeling this pregnancy will be the same.

I dislike being pregnant, I don't like fetal movement and pregnancy just feels like something that's happening to me, like its on a back burner or something.

Plus, once you have another child to run around after its just different I think. You know you're excited about the new arrival, and you know what having a baby is like. I think because of that sometimes there's just less "magic".

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2016 17:06:29 GMT -5 @justinslovo said:

Although I was not PGAL I struggled immensely with my second pregnancy.

I was depressed. And in my case it was purley hormonal. I wanted to be happy and excited for this baby we had planned for and waited to concieve for close to a year, but I didn't have it in me. The thought of loving it/her was almost revolting to me.

Talk to your doctor. They may have some suggestions for you. Without me handing out medical advice there were a few supplements I researched online that I ended up being told not to take and I had an rx filled for an antidepressant which just sat on my night stand and stared into the depths of my soul every night before I finally threw it out.

Although everyone is different I felt much better after delivery. Like the baby in utero created some weird imbalance and the only cure was delivery. Because I had been honest with my practicioners I was on a stricter post pardum depression watch, but it was wonderful to have the extra support.

Ironically I bonded quicker after birth with the second than the first despite having little connection while I carried her in me. And fwiw I have yet to be one of those women who instantly bond. Takes me a few weeks.

Not sure if this is helpful or not, but my strongest suggestion is to call your doctor and chat.

Hugs to you.

This is how I felt with my first pregnancy. I could've written this post, especially the part about everything getting better after delivery.

Hormones man, they do crazy stuff to you.

[elsmom]

I agree 100% with what @priss08 said about it being less magical after you already have a baby. My OB even said as much to me. For me I don't feel disconnected necessarily but I definitely don't have the same warm fuzzies I had the first time around. I think part of it is that things are more expected this time, like I know what's coming. Plus I definitely have more anxieties this time. What if DD feels displaced? What if this baby isn't easy like DD was? How can I possibly love another baby as much as the one I already have?? I know these are normal feelings and I always thought people were silly for feeling them but they're definitely real.
Not sure if this helps or if this is similar to how you're feeling? I think a lot of it is normal but agree with @justinslovo that it might not be a bad idea to call your Dr about it if you're worried there's more to it.

[callmeKD]

going to prenatal yoga (I want to go once a week but can't seem to fit it in that frequently) helps me connect with these babies for one hour. I don't have to think about work, managing my GD, or parenting a 3 year old. I just think about this pregnancy and these babies.

[caer]

I'm both PGAL and PAIF and have had similar thoughts. For me, it's partly a protection thing - I'm scared to get attached.

BUT - and maybe this is controversial - there is a big part of me that feels less connected because I'm a STM. Most of my world revolves around my toddler and he's here and needs me. This new baby feels so distant and hypothetical in some ways. I'm so, so grateful to be pregnant but I definitely don't think about it as much as I did when I was a FTM.

I would say definitely talk to your doctor if it's weighing on you but I don't think it necessarily means something is wrong at all. Sending (((hugs)))

[mikaela20]

Fearsy you are not alone with these feelings.

I've struggled with letting myself be happy about this pregnancy, my first time being pregnant. With my uterus abnormality, it automatically but me in a high risk for a late term miscarriage. That label has caused me much anxiety but I've been fighting through it and almost forcing myself to let myself be happy.

I can't say I feel "connected" to my baby right now either. The movement is bizarre and distracting, but I know it means only good things. I feel excitement when I see the baby on an u/s and can see him moving and know that he is healthy. The times between u/s are hard for me.

So many hugs. I hope you can find a way to work through these feelings. I would bring it up at your next appt too and see if your OB has suggestions.

[caer]

Fearsy - I'm one of the last people to become a STM on my other BMB and I've read lots of stories about how your heart simply expands when your second (or more) arrives. So don't be too hard on yourself for not feeling connected yet. You'll love this LO just as fully when he or she arrives.

[britab]

DH and I aren't "crazy excited" during pregnancy. I don't love being pregnant. We both love DD so much and will feel the same with this one too when she's here. We're having another girl so I don't have any shopping to excited about. It's different but that's ok.

Mamas of toddlers are busy. I took one bump picture so far, oops!

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2016 19:49:01 GMT -5 caer said:

Fearsy - I'm one of the last people to become a STM on my other BMB and I've read lots of stories about how your heart simply expands when your second (or more) arrives. So don't be too hard on yourself for not feeling connected yet. You'll love this LO just as fully when he or she arrives.

I head somewhere that moms feel their love will be split in half; really though our love will be doubled. That helped me a lot when I found out I was surprise pregnant.

[cosmicav]

Fearsy I feel you on this. My son is 18 months and he is so busy, and sometimes, I honestly forget that I am pregnant because there is so much going on. This never happened with #1, since I had time to daydream about what it would be like to have him here, etc. Apart from the differing symptoms, it's just different somehow. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it just being a more distant experience, as long as it is not seriously burdening you.

[Deleted]

@fearsy

I can't really understand the nursing aspect of it because I didn't experience it but I bet the hormone swings are to blame! I would have never thought ofnthat but it makes sense.

[ladytiffany24]

Oct 26, 2016 18:18:50 GMT -5 caer said:

I'm both PGAL and PAIF and have had similar thoughts. For me, it's partly a protection thing - I'm scared to get attached.

BUT - and maybe this is controversial - there is a big part of me that feels less connected because I'm a STM. Most of my world revolves around my toddler and he's here and needs me. This new baby feels so distant and hypothetical in some ways. I'm so, so grateful to be pregnant but I definitely don't think about it as much as I did when I was a FTM.

I would say definitely talk to your doctor if it's weighing on you but I don't think it necessarily means something is wrong at all. Sending (((hugs)))

This is so me!

Please don't feel alone @fearsy! I'm hoping these first hand accounts are helping to some degree but I do think you may want to talk to your doctor about it if you feel like there may be something more to it. When we're pregnant, our hormones are so out of balance that anything can come of it.

Also, please know that you are free to open up here and post about whatever you feel like posting about! I feel like most of the time, I'm not even posting about my pregnancy on this board. I'm just bitching about my MIL, my H or some other random crap. I rarely even post in the weekly thread anymore.

Hang in there! Hope it gets better for you. We're here for you!

[suelou18]

For me, I think a large part is having a toddler. The first time I was able to spend more time thinking about the baby, what it would be like, etc. I also think I felt like there were more things I 'needed' to do the first time. Perhaps, it's just a BTDT thing, but I know I'm a lot less concerned about everything being perfect for this kid and therefore I might not be connecting as much. It doesn't mean I will love this one any less. To make myself feel better, I say they are just gaining from my previous experience and therefore I don't have to think about things all the time.

[glb30]

Fearsy everyone has already said what I am thinking, but I just wanted to add that you don't have to hesitate to post anything!

I am PAIF and PGAL, and while REALLY EXCITED to be pregnant, and thinking about it multiple times an hour, I honestly don't feel connected to the "person" in there. Its like I'm pregnant, and the baby comes later.

[amandamh2]

Fearsy, the weaning hormones probably are compounding everything. My DS is 18 months and we just weaned a couple weeks ago. I'm only now starting to feel okay again after a lot of really intense emotional days.
Being busy with a toddler is also definitely impacting my connection with this baby. Last time around every movement was exciting, stop what you're doing and pay attention to the baby. Now I can only really focus on this new LO after DS is in bed because he needs me all day.
STM+ moms I knew during my pregnancy with DS talked about soaking up that first one because it will be so different the next time and I didn't understand at the time how it could be any less special. Now that I'm here, I see that in some ways it just is because you don't have as much attention for your inside baby anymore.

[jnow]

I didn't really read anything, but try not to worry. My mom asked me if I was excited because I didn't seem the same way as I did with my first. I honestly got mad but understand. I haven't been talking about it much because all I do is complain about feeling shitty. I am excited and it will be more evident later.

Also, fwiw, I cried after delivering dd....because it was over and I was so relieved. Not because it was magical.

[moutonrouge]

Oct 27, 2016 8:37:00 GMT -5 glb30 said:

Fearsy everyone has already said what I am thinking, but I just wanted to add that you don't have to hesitate to post anything!

I am PAIF and PGAL, and while REALLY EXCITED to be pregnant, and thinking about it multiple times an hour, I honestly don't feel connected to the "person" in there. Its like I'm pregnant, and the baby comes later.

I think I'm here. I don't think I've really connected the process to a person. 

I have also felt like I'm weird or abnormal at various times because I'm don't seem as excited as I think other people expect me to be. Like when I first saw the heartbeat, the midwife was kind of staring at me expectantly and I felt like I should be more outwardly emotional about it. And when my brother found out/talked to our parents about it, he cried several times - I definitely didn't feel that strongly but then again I don't think I've ever been so excited that I cried. 

[glb30]

moutonrouge I totally get it. When my nurse called with our first betas, she called me first out of all her calls and was so excited. I was like "okay. Thanks." She actually said: "This is good news" bc I sounded so blah.

[Deleted]

Oct 27, 2016 10:55:01 GMT -5 moutonrouge said:

Oct 27, 2016 8:37:00 GMT -5 glb30 said:

Fearsy everyone has already said what I am thinking, but I just wanted to add that you don't have to hesitate to post anything!

I am PAIF and PGAL, and while REALLY EXCITED to be pregnant, and thinking about it multiple times an hour, I honestly don't feel connected to the "person" in there. Its like I'm pregnant, and the baby comes later.

I think I'm here. I don't think I've really connected the process to a person. 

I have also felt like I'm weird or abnormal at various times because I'm don't seem as excited as I think other people expect me to be. Like when I first saw the heartbeat, the midwife was kind of staring at me expectantly and I felt like I should be more outwardly emotional about it. And when my brother found out/talked to our parents about it, he cried several times - I definitely didn't feel that strongly but then again I don't think I've ever been so excited that I cried. 

I feel you. My Dr seems so excited about everything. Like, when we could hear the heartbeat with the monitor he was like, ISN'T THIS GREAT?! I just, don't find pregnancy as...magical I guess?

That it I'm a robot.

[missi]

I've had surprise pregnancies, my first, normalish pregnancies.. my first and second.. hellish pregnancies, the twins.. and then this one. You guys are my last bmb. I do not like being pregnant. Period. Emotional rollercoaster, extra bills, waddling!

That said, each one is so different. I was just terrified of the first. I didn't want my life to change. I actually remember when I first felt my heart swell, and it was almost a day after I had her. The second.. I was feeling very much like most of you. I was overwhelmed and felt very meh about it all. I knew we wanted the result though. The third was just moments of extreme emotion. The excitement when the ultrasound tech said "twins." The terror of waking up to pee and seeing nothing but blood, all made worse by a (#*$ of a doctor telling us the twins were dieing. The tentative hope and pendulum of swinging emotions as we fought so hard for them.

Now, this one.. weirdly enough, i think I feel the most attached to this one. I have no idea why. I still hate being pregnant.

Per normal, I'm crazy amounts of wordy.. all to say, from my experience, each pregnancy is so different in all aspects. Never ever beat yourself up for how you feel. It is valid. We're all swimming in so many hormones, it's bound to throw us some curve balls!

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2016 21:29:57 GMT -5 corinne said:

When I told people that I was pregnant, multiple people said, "that's a good thing right??". I said yes, but it's not as magical now that I have a toddler.

That's not a very polite reaction for someone to have.

[moutonrouge]

I have had several people ask how I feel about being pregnant before they react. One of them (who has a deficit in the social skills department) said he always makes sure it's happy news before he says anything. I kind of see it but it's awkward no matter what.

[Deleted]

Guys, help talk me down.

I was one and done, DH even had a V scheduled when I found out I was pregnant despite my IUD. I thought I was fine/out if the woods with the difficult feelings but right now I'm not so sure.

I'm upset at myself, I guess? Upset that I got rid of baby stuff maybe?

I'm feeling clueless and overwhelmed, I kinda feel like a first time mom in some ways. There's this nagging feeling of unprepared-ness, or failure even?

I think, now that my pregnancy is more than halfway along I'm panicking a little. I was breezy about this while situation for a while but now...reality is hitting and it's got me shaken.

[kristhegirl]

@priss08 it sounds like normal "oh shit we're having a kid" feelings are being compounded by your situation. Totally understandable. Just because you're doing this does not mean your thoughts and feelings have all caught up!

Let yourself feel a little panicky; really, I think it's usually healthy (but not required, of course) to have these times of doubt and fear. It just means you're processing.

[Deleted]

kristhegirl I think you're right. It's the oh shit feelings mixed with failed science experiment feelings.

I feel slightly better since DH and I went item by item and made a rough baby budget.

[doves654]

I am PAIF/PGAL and am far less exciting than most people seem to think I should be. I keep waiting for it to change. I AM happy, but just not over the moon.