How do you all keep it together?

[MamaPhD]

I've been struggling the past few weeks! Work is busy and will always be busy, there is never a good stopping point. In academia, there is always another paper to be published or grant to write! I work all day, work after DD goes to bed and it just never ends! I have two "to do" lists: one for work and one for the rest of my life and they keep getting longer and longer. I seriously have intended to make it to Target for 2 weeks now. I've been trying to return some crap to Ikea for over a month. I still have to mail photos of DD to my inlaws (they were supposed to be a Xmas gift). We bought a new car a few weeks ago and got a call last week that the license plates and new key are in. I haven't had a chance to go to the dealership and deal with that! This is just a tiny example of what I'm dealing with...

I pride myself on being well organized and efficient person so to feel like I'm struggling this much to keep my head above water right now is very frustrating. And on top of it, its not like I'm wining  at being a mom or anything like that. I haven't cooked a real meal in forever, the only parts of the house that are clean are the areas the nanny focuses on and this week I really haven't had much quality time with my daughter or husband.

This is more of a vent but if anyone has any tips on how you hold things together please share!

[sunbutter]

I spent a long time in academia and still actively do research so I know how hard it is to turn it off.

The best thing you can do for yourself is try to turn off work at night and the weekends.  I know this is hard but you need to protect that time.  Yes, there will be nights and weekends where you don't have a choice but many times you do.  Working long hours is a self perpetuating cycle and easy to fall into.  When you are at work, are you letting your family life disrupt your focus?  Probably not.  So don't let your job disrupt your life.  It goes by so freakin fast.  

Also, a personal day or personal morning without kids does wonders for a backed up to do list.  If you can do it, do it!  If I can't do that, I set aside a Saturday and just bust it all out.

[mamamd]

I agree that you have to *try* to control the amount of work you are doing at home. I don't know if this will work for you but I will sometimes set a time limit for myself. Like "I am going to work on 'x' for 30 minutes and then I'm done." So I get some work done but don't spend my whole evening on it.

I also have huge to-do lists but when there's major stuff to do I try to pick one thing that will be my goal to complete over the weekend. Like we always grocery shop on the weekend but I will also make it my goal to get LO new shoes that weekend or whatever. Then at least one extra thing is accomplished and if I happen to get to more then great but at least I crossed one thing off.

And I agree with PP that it's amazing what you can accomplish in a few child-free hours. Work that in if you can!

ETA: Oh yeah, and it's ridiculously hard for everyone (I assume)!

[MamaPhD]

Thank you both for your replies and the great advice! My other challenge is that my husband is a physician and working really long hours this month so I don't feel like I have a ton of help!

[Deleted]

Could you get your nanny to work part of a Saturday or Sunday while you knock out your at home list. It might help you feel more on top of things.

I only work part time since the birth of LO, but I am also in education and there is always work to do. Since having him, I have had to be a lot more intentional about unplugging from work at home.

[Deleted]

It's hard with kids and 2 full time working parents.

I would add that delegating some responsibilities and HIRING OUT where you can is well worth it.

I resisted a cleaning lady for YEARS because I thought I could take care of it myself. Why I tortured myself with cleaning toilets (and worrying about cleaning the toilets) during that time is beyond me. Cleaning lady = sanity.

I will also add that getting a sitter and getting out with your DH at least once a month will help the big picture enormously (if you are not already doing this). You two need to stay connected as a couple first, and if you are running in circles trying to take care of 'life' and not living your life as well then small problems will seem bigger than they are.  Very, very hard to do. I know from experience.

Good luck. I'd like to say it gets easier but I think as a rule the craziness of life after kids is just something you adapt to and eventually get used to.

[somebabiesmom]

We turn a lot of errands into family outings. My kids love Target. I'm sure they'd love Ikea. They loved the dealership when I took our car in for a recall. Anything that involves mail, I take to work with me. It's strange how much easier it is to find 3 minutes to stuff and address an envelope at work than at home. Even though my little helpers really just like to "help" it usually looks more like a game of "Whack-a-Mole" (minus the violence).

[sunbutter]

Feb 13, 2015 5:44:20 GMT -5 MamaPhD said:

Thank you both for your replies and the great advice! My other challenge is that my husband is a physician and working really long hours this month so I don't feel like I have a ton of help!

I am also married to a physician. And yes, most of the time, you are on your own and that "flexibility" that your job has actually makes it harder on you in many ways.

Just remember you can do anything, you can't do everything!

[alli2672]

I agree with hiring some of it out.

Also, this is what I use my vacations for now. Every few months I take a couple of days off work and check of my home "to do" list.

[judyblume14]

sunbutter - i think you've pointed out two really good things:

When you are at work, are you letting your family life disrupt your focus? Probably not. So don't let your job disrupt your life

and

Just remember you can do anything, you can't do everything!

High-fives to you. I'm really going to try to take those very seriously!

[supertrooper1]

I've come to the realization that some things are just going to have to slide, like cleaning the house. There are times when I'll have a big list of things to do and just plan on one of my off days to get it all done, like make one big trip to Target, Ikea and the grocery store all in the same day. I usually make my lunch while DH is giving DS a bath in the evening, so I'll try to knock out something on my list during that time too.
You mentioned your H is extra busy this month. When DH or I have an extra busy time at work, we both know that some things around the house just aren't going to get done. For cooking meals, check out the Monday Meal plan posted every week on here. There are some great ideas listed that usually don't take long to cook or crock pot ideas.

[litzo27]

I just accepted that I won't get tenure. I mean I still work a lot and I WANT tenure but I am not going to be as efficient as my male colleagues because I have three kids and I'm the mom and my 5-9 time is for family only. After 9 if I have energy I may do a bit of work but more often than not I spend it on prepping for the day, paying the bills, doing some home projects or just getting some rest. But at work from 8:30 to 5 I've had to force myself to be extra focused. Unlike right now... Because that's my coffee break/board check in time

[2chatter]

My former boss got me in the habit of evaluating - does this need to be done today or will it keep until tomorrow? It took about two years, but I finally "got it". Initially I evaluated every task with a view to my wider pipeline "I have to do this NOW at 9 PM because tomorrow I have to do something else all day." When I started to take a triage approach to my work I freed up a ton of time and started working smarter - on the things that were really imperative and benefitted my career. It also forced me to delegate (ie can you use grant money differently to get more research from assistants, things along that line). It made me prioritize differently and be less reactive.

I also really don't go to brick and mortar stores except for groceries. We survive due to Amazon Prime and Brad's Deals.
For instance, I ordered DH three ralph lauren button downs when they were $20 with free shipping and stashed them in the closet at the start of January. One of those plus a restaurant GC and movie tickets = a date night valentine's gift.

I do subscribe and save for things like paper towels, toilet paper, razors, deodorant, etc.

Target is 20 minutes with traffic from my house. So I don't go there anymore. And I don't really miss it after I had time to acclimate to needing to plan in advance for things. I order birthday party supplies the month or two before the party. I keep a stocked gift closet of boy and girls gifts or gender neutral presents and wrapping and thank you notes so we don't have to shop for parties. Once you get in that groove it feels like life is on auto pilot and it's a wonderful "surprise" when events pop up and you don't have to do any shopping or you are hosting an event and have everything you need. I also stock up on end of season sales - so we have all the supplies for one boo basket per child for next Halloween, new décor for that, everything I will need for Christmas that is disposable (like ornament hooks and advent calendars that are good until 2016). I am essentially a year ahead of all of our needs. After getting set up on that (it does take time to get ahead) it freed up a ton of time.

[sirhiss]

Feb 13, 2015 9:25:03 GMT -5 litzo27 said:

I just accepted that I won't get tenure. I mean I still work a lot and I WANT tenure but I am not going to be as efficient as my male colleagues because I have three kids and I'm the mom and my 5-9 time is for family only. After 9 if I have energy I may do a bit of work but more often than not I spend it on prepping for the day, paying the bills, doing some home projects or just getting some rest. But at work from 8:30 to 5 I've had to force myself to be extra focused. Unlike right now... Because that's my coffee break/board check in time

Similarly, I've accepted that if I stay at my current institution, I won't become faculty (and if I become faculty, it will be too hard to obtain tenure). MH suffered through all of my schooling (we started dating at 17), and I just can't get it up to work all the time at home. Sometimes I will work at home over the weekend, but only a couple of hours a day.

OP - are you able to come and go as you please at your institution? (We are expected to be on campus 8-5 every day, which is unlike the universities I've gone to school at...) If so, could you make Target / Ikea runs in the middle of the day when 1. LO(s) will be in daycare, 2. the stores are less busy? When I was in grad school, we always ran errands (like Target and grocery store) in the middle of the day so that we could avoid crowds.

[frozenpeas]

My husband is in academia & we both have really demanding jobs. I don't know if in your situation one of your concerns is getting tenure, but after we had 2 babies in 18 months, my husband opted to officially pause the tenure clock. At his university, this means he was granted a year which would not count against him. He still had teaching & departmental responsibilities, but the pressure to publish was off. This effectively extends the (already super-long) tenure process by a year, but it took a little of the pressure off for a time.

Otherwise, I echo PPs. We have a cleaning service, lean heavily on Amazon Prime, and have a weekly family field trip to the grocery store & Target. I rarely go anywhere alone and "family time" often means all 4 of us piling into a car to run errands. I work from home and make an effort to leave my home office by 6:30pm, then log back on after the kids go to bed (with DH working next to me--that's our "couple time" .

[pitta12]

I agree with outsourcing cleaning and using Amazon Prime. We often use Amazon Fresh for grocery delivery as well.

When I am starting to feel overwhelmed with all the little things that aren't getting done I will sit down and make a list of all of them, prioritize them, and then divide them into things I need to do or things I can delegate. For instance we have a regular cleaning lady every 2 weeks but we also have a crew of 2 coming in today to do a spring cleaning (baseboards, blinds, wiping down cabinets, all the stuff I keep meaning to get to but never ever will). The things I absolutely need to do myself I work through in order of priority by trying to tackle one per week. Just having a plan makes me feel a little better.

[Deleted]

This is one of the reasons I decided not to stay in Academia honestly. I work 37.5 hours a week full time and make maybe just a couple thousand less than I would in academia with no stress to publish or research. I'm not saying quit your job, but when 2 people have very demanding jobs it gets really hard. I actually never really go shopping, and I never return things. Most of the time my shopping is done at Amazon Prime or just simply Walgreens that I can run to quickly during lunch. I only go to Target or Ikea maybe 4-5 times a year. My H handles more of the shopping and/ or returns. Maybe a personal errand runner type person might be helpful for you.

As far as the photos, I feel like you are just procrastinating (I do this too, that's why I am saying that). It literally takes 10 minutes to shove photos in an envelope and put them in the mail. Just put it at the top of your to-do list. As far as the car, I really can't believe you can't make it to the dealership to get a new car?! Prioritize- its a NEW CAR lol!

I used to have the parents of doctors doing their residency calling me and signing up for services (at my last job), and I am thinking this is a grown ass 30 year old man and his mommy is calling on his personal affairs. Maybe they really are that busy? In that case you do need to hire more outside help. A house cleaner would be great for you. I used to have one, but now I do it Sat mornings or on my days off. With holidays, sick time, and vacation time I usually have a good 4 hours to clean about 2 times a month. And the times that I don't, I just use my Sat morning.

DH travels for work, so I get doing it all on your own. I do the absolute minimum during the week. I get the kids to school and me to work. I cook a very easy dinner with the same menu every week things like Taco Monday, Homemade chicken nuggets, Mac n Cheese, soup, and spaghetti. We go out to eat Friday nights and usually 1 weekend morning or lunch. All laundry is left for Sunday and Grocery shopping too. If you don't have time to Grocery shop then try Fresh Direct or Pea Pod or another local grocery delivery. You can also call some grocery stores and they will get the items for you, and then help you load the car and all you have to do is pay. Good luck to you! We all have our moments, or days or weeks.

Never mind I see that you got the new car, but not the plates.  Sometimes a time cost analysis is helpful.  For example how much of your time/ money would be wasted if you got pulled over on your temporary plates.  I mean they aren't good forever.  Then you might have to go do court and pay a fine etc.  Also, I find scheduling these things in my calendar is helpful.  I will go to the dealership Tuesday night at 4 pm the pick up the kids or Sat at 10 am with the kids. 

[harperandco]

Agree with PP's, delegate and outsource as many things as you can. I handle all chores because DH works full time at night and watches the baby during the day. I meal prep on Sunday, which helps immensely, and I have set chores I tackle on specific days of the week. I also have a set time period at night when my phone and laptop are off limits. To be completely honest, I take Adderall M-F and it is my saving grace.

[gamora24527]

Like 2chatter, I rarely go to brick and mortar stores anymore. Amazon Prime is my best friend, even for things like deodorant. If I do shop at a store, it's someplace like Costco so that I can pick up what I need in bulk and go to the store less frequently. I have fresh groceries delivered using Instacart. And, I have someone come and clean our house once a week. The only things I'm left with are taking care of bills and appointments, laundry (which I would outsource if there was a good option for that here), and daily chores like dishes.

Try to be kind to yourself. It's okay if not everything gets done or if things are not done perfectly. I became a much happier mom when I stopped holding myself to a standard that was impossible for anyone to meet.

[CurlieWhirlie]

I really like the idea that you can do anything, but you can't do it all. My mom said something along those lines to me after the fourth or fifth time that I let the plants on our deck die. She's a great gardener, and I'd love to have pretty flower boxes on our deck, too, but I never even watered the damn things. And I felt ashamed! And she said "you are good at so many things. You can't be good at everything." And it made me feel so much better.

All of the really smart people I know tend to hold themselves to a higher standard than anyone else, so maybe you need to take a look at your life and acknowledge that you ARE keeping it together, you DO a lot of amazing things, and it's not as amazing or perfect as you would like it to be, but that's ok!

[traveltheworld]

I think PPs have said it all. For us, we hire/utilize/beg for a lot of outside help. And every 2 months or so, DH and I take half a day to just run household errands. For example, we are dropping DS off with the in-laws Sunday afternoon so we can pack away all of our Christmas tree and decorations, put together DS's big boy bed, and clean up the house in general. I find we get lots done in a few hours when we are both doing it and without DS here.

[Deleted]

tell me more about amazon prime, many of you mentioned it as a time-saver for items

[MamaPhD]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I have not felt this much support and a very long time and from internet strangers nonetheless. Your words of encouragement and advice/tips are wonderful. I'm actually in bed with a glass of wine copying and pasting all of your wonderful tips into an excel spreadsheet so I can reference them frequently (lol)! Our nanny is coming Monday but I am going to take a personal day and try and get a handle on some of the things that are piling up and hopefully get to a point where I am feeling like I'm in better control of my life. I also plan to get to a manicure and pedicure.

[MamaPhD]

Feb 13, 2015 14:03:48 GMT -5 @clarypax said:

This is one of the reasons I decided not to stay in Academia honestly. I work 37.5 hours a week full time and make maybe just a couple thousand less than I would in academia with no stress to publish or research. I'm not saying quit your job, but when 2 people have very demanding jobs it gets really hard. I actually never really go shopping, and I never return things. Most of the time my shopping is done at Amazon Prime or just simply Walgreens that I can run to quickly during lunch. I only go to Target or Ikea maybe 4-5 times a year. My H handles more of the shopping and/ or returns. Maybe a personal errand runner type person might be helpful for you.

As far as the photos, I feel like you are just procrastinating (I do this too, that's why I am saying that). It literally takes 10 minutes to shove photos in an envelope and put them in the mail. Just put it at the top of your to-do list. As far as the car, I really can't believe you can't make it to the dealership to get a new car?! Prioritize- its a NEW CAR lol!

I used to have the parents of doctors doing their residency calling me and signing up for services (at my last job), and I am thinking this is a grown ass 30 year old man and his mommy is calling on his personal affairs. Maybe they really are that busy? In that case you do need to hire more outside help. A house cleaner would be great for you. I used to have one, but now I do it Sat mornings or on my days off. With holidays, sick time, and vacation time I usually have a good 4 hours to clean about 2 times a month. And the times that I don't, I just use my Sat morning.

DH travels for work, so I get doing it all on your own. I do the absolute minimum during the week. I get the kids to school and me to work. I cook a very easy dinner with the same menu every week things like Taco Monday, Homemade chicken nuggets, Mac n Cheese, soup, and spaghetti. We go out to eat Friday nights and usually 1 weekend morning or lunch. All laundry is left for Sunday and Grocery shopping too. If you don't have time to Grocery shop then try Fresh Direct or Pea Pod or another local grocery delivery. You can also call some grocery stores and they will get the items for you, and then help you load the car and all you have to do is pay. Good luck to you! We all have our moments, or days or weeks.

Never mind I see that you got the new car, but not the plates.  Sometimes a time cost analysis is helpful.  For example how much of your time/ money would be wasted if you got pulled over on your temporary plates.  I mean they aren't good forever.  Then you might have to go do court and pay a fine etc.  Also, I find scheduling these things in my calendar is helpful.  I will go to the dealership Tuesday night at 4 pm the pick up the kids or Sat at 10 am with the kids. 

[sunbutter]

Feb 13, 2015 9:09:14 GMT -5 judyblume14 said:

sunbutter - i think you've pointed out two really good things:

When you are at work, are you letting your family life disrupt your focus? Probably not. So don't let your job disrupt your life

and

Just remember you can do anything, you can't do everything!

High-fives to you. I'm really going to try to take those very seriously!

It has taken me years to get to this point and I still struggle with it every day!