TTCAL 11/1

[doodler]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: Halloween is over and I'm on to Thanksgiving.  What is your favorite thing about Thanksgiving?  If you don't celebrate, tell us another fav holiday tradition.

[addymac]

Hi everyone, I'm finally coming out of lurking-ville. Obviously not really psyched to be a part of this thread, but life obviously had other plans...

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

- I'm addymac, I'm 30, an RN in the neonatal ICU. DH is 30 and a 4th year med student. We started TTC in March/April 2016 and I got pregnant end of May 2016 with my EDD of 2.16.17 but at our 8 week u/s they found multiple cysts on the umbilical cord. Between the info our dr gave us and everything we could find online in medical journals, we realized it had a grim outlook. Cysts on cords happen in about less than 1% of pregnancies and most research has been done on one cyst, and 2+ cysts are even rarer and less studied. In fact, only one study on two cysts vs one cyst has really been done and there were SIX patients with 2+ cysts. Of those six, 4 miscarried, as multiple cysts are associated with a trisomy. Anyway, we had an initial genetic screen for t13,18,21 done, it was negative, but at our follow up u/s at 14+4 weeks, there was no heartbeat. Baby was measuring 10weeks, so they think it died at about 12 weeks. I had to have a d&c on 8.25.16 bc my body didn't seem to get the hint that the baby was dead. The dr refused to do further genetic testing on the baby bc "it wouldn't change how we treat your next pregnancy" so he's chalked it up to an aneuploid chromosomal issue that shouldn't repeat itself. I wish I had a definitive answer on what the chromosomal issue was, but I never will.

We started to TTC again in September and I only do opks and sort of check my cm (I work night shift so my sleep is totally out of whack so temping isn't really an option). My opk said I was surging a week after my post-mc bleeding had stopped, and I got a BFP 12dpo and we were so excited, until I started bleeding four hours later. I freaked out thinking I was having a CP/another mc but my dr checked my betas the next day at it was a 6. So he decided I wasn't pregnant, just my levels hadn't dropped back to zero from the first pregnancy. So that was a total mindfuck and really screwed up my grief process, I think.

How are you doing? ... I have okay days and days where I am just surviving. I have moments where I feel okay and then feel guilty for feeling normal and days where I don't want to do anything and feel incredibly alone. Sometimes I just think, "how did I get here? How is this my life now? I miss my baby so much."

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC since the all clear from my MD two weeks post d&c

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: nothing...

Debbie downer (a place to vent): second cycle since mc and I'm 13dpo and have had two BFNs. Weird thing is I usually get cd1 12-13dpo and I have no symptoms of cd1 coming. This cycle has been extra odd, as my cd1 started earlier than anticipated, I spotted for about 4 days (cd14-17) while getting negative opks, and didn't get a positive opk until cd 22, when I've only ever gotten initial positive opks on cd17&18. So, idk wtf is going on with my body. I'm really frustrated and sad. We have one more cycle to try and then we have to stop bc we may be moving cities and I can't look for starting a new job in September when I'm due in September bc I won't get FMLA or any maternity leave. We won't know until march, when DH matches for residency.

QOTW: Halloween is over and I'm on to Thanksgiving. What is your favorite thing about Thanksgiving? If you don't celebrate, tell us another fav holiday tradition. The food? I guess the spending time with family is something I always loved. But this year Im dreading it. We haven't seen either of our families since the baby died (we don't live near anyone) and my parents were devastated by the loss, so I feel like it's just going to be depressing. I should have been started my third trimester the week of thanksgiving, so I just don't want to see family this year.

Sorry for such a depressing intro post.

[doodler]

Ugh, I had this whole thing filled out and then I accidentally closed the tab and lost it all....

How are you doing? Not good.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): I'm not really sure and that is why I'm such a mess.

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unicorn uterus, old, RPL

Updates/questions: I have had my period for 16 days this month. I stopped bleeding after the loss and thought I was going back to normal, then got another period 16 days later. Ugh.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm just a mess. My anxiety is sky high about EVERYthing and this weekend I just went into meltdown mode. Poor DH. I just emailed a counseling place to see if they have any appointments.

QOTW: Halloween is over and I'm on to Thanksgiving. What is your favorite thing about Thanksgiving? If you don't celebrate, tell us another fav holiday tradition. I really enjoy seeing the whole family. It is a long day for us but worth it. Of course I also love the food!

[pinkcat]

addymac I am so sorry you find yourself here. This board is a great place for support, though, and I hope your stay here is short! I am sorry your cycle is confusing you- I know AL cycles can be very different from your "normal" cycles and that makes a hard time even more frustrating. Hugs to you!

doodler I am so sorry. I haven't been around much lately but I have been thinking of you. I hope you are able to get into the counselor that you emailed and that talking through everything will help. So, so many hugs to you.

AFM, I am sorry I have been a bad TTCALer and have been away for so long! I haven't posted in a month or two, I just needed a break from the boards because I was having a really hard time. I have been thinking of you all and LTing and lurking though!

We finished our 4th round of Femara/TI last month to no avail. I wasn't very happy with the RE I was seeing, so I have an appointment on Tuesday with a new doctor to discuss IVF. Due to some MFI issues, based on my research I think moving right to IVF rather than IUI will be necessary- we'll see what he thinks, though! I am hoping that we can start in January.

[doodler]

addymac first, let me just say that I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you had to join us but I hope that we can help you through some of the hard times. Please don't ever apologize for letting it out in here. Sometimes this is the only place where I feel like I can be totally truthful about how I am feeling and have people actually understand.

This is probably totally redundant, but did your OB ever mention the possibility of a partial molar or molar pregnancy? I think that one of the signs is umbilical cord cysts. Also, either one could cause your hcg to stay elevated after the loss. I was monitored(hcg blood draws) for months after I lost a baby who had triploidy to make sure that it wasn't a partial molar. Again, I'm no doctor, just throwing it out there after what I went through.

[doodler]

pinkcat hi hun! I have also been in and out of here. I had a few weeks where it was just all too much and I had to take a step back from everything. I'm sorry your latest cycle didn't work out. I hope that your appointment on Tuesday goes well. Sometimes it takes a fresh set of eyes to suggest a new protocol. My good friend was with one of the big RE groups here and after 3 unsuccessful treatments, she felt like she was just another $$ to them and switched to a new RE. It worked for her, so hopefully it will work for you too

[addymac]

Nov 1, 2016 9:42:21 GMT -5 doodler said:

addymac first, let me just say that I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you had to join us but I hope that we can help you through some of the hard times. Please don't ever apologize for letting it out in here. Sometimes this is the only place where I feel like I can be totally truthful about how I am feeling and have people actually understand.

This is probably totally redundant, but did your OB ever mention the possibility of a partial molar or molar pregnancy? I think that one of the signs is umbilical cord cysts. Also, either one could cause your hcg to stay elevated after the loss. I was monitored(hcg blood draws) for months after I lost a baby who had triploidy to make sure that it wasn't a partial molar. Again, I'm no doctor, just throwing it out there after what I went through.

Thank you.  I'm so sorry you are here, too, @doodler, pinkcat

My dr did check for the possibility of a molar pregnancy and that came back negative, but that was the only thing he checked for. I just wish I had more definitive answers. Feels like a lack of info makes closure harder. I did ask him if he was going to monitor my hcg levels back to zero but he said there was no need since he took everything out with the d&c. Idk-  part of me wishes I had advocated more for more monitoring, bc that fake out positive was heartbreaking, but idk if it matters in the long run. I still wonder if it was a CP, but I try to not think about it and make myself more depressed. 

@doodler I've been thinking about finding a counselor myself, or a support group. My dr office offered me nothing in terms of support for my loss and very few people in my life have been supportive throughout this ordeal. It's been heartbreaking and eye-opening to see how people have reacted. It all just sucks. 

[doodler]

Nov 1, 2016 9:53:48 GMT -5 addymac said:

Nov 1, 2016 9:42:21 GMT -5 doodler said:

addymac first, let me just say that I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you had to join us but I hope that we can help you through some of the hard times. Please don't ever apologize for letting it out in here. Sometimes this is the only place where I feel like I can be totally truthful about how I am feeling and have people actually understand.

This is probably totally redundant, but did your OB ever mention the possibility of a partial molar or molar pregnancy? I think that one of the signs is umbilical cord cysts. Also, either one could cause your hcg to stay elevated after the loss. I was monitored(hcg blood draws) for months after I lost a baby who had triploidy to make sure that it wasn't a partial molar. Again, I'm no doctor, just throwing it out there after what I went through.

Thank you.  I'm so sorry you are here, too, @doodler, pinkcat

My dr did check for the possibility of a molar pregnancy and that came back negative, but that was the only thing he checked for. I just wish I had more definitive answers. Feels like a lack of info makes closure harder. I did ask him if he was going to monitor my hcg levels back to zero but he said there was no need since he took everything out with the d&c. Idk-  part of me wishes I had advocated more for more monitoring, bc that fake out positive was heartbreaking, but idk if it matters in the long run. I still wonder if it was a CP, but I try to not think about it and make myself more depressed. 

@doodler I've been thinking about finding a counselor myself, or a support group. My dr office offered me nothing in terms of support for my loss and very few people in my life have been supportive throughout this ordeal. It's been heartbreaking and eye-opening to see how people have reacted. It all just sucks. 

Hindsight is 20-20, right?  There are so many things I wish I could go back and change.  I've learned so much going through all of this shit.  But, back then I was naive and uneducated about how this all works.  Not to mention a hot mess and totally unable to advocate for myself in the moment.  

I also wonder if that second one was a CP.  I don't know how your OB could make a definitive call on it if he never monitored you down after the D&C.  Also, if your hcg was still high after the first loss, wouldn't that have delayed ovulation?  Also, how can he say there was no need to monitor you after the D&C, but then say oh well your levels were probably still high when he took them this last time.  That's totally contradictory.

Regarding counselors....just be careful.  Know that you might not be a good fit with the first one you try.  I went to one awhile ago and she said some pretty hurtful things to me.  I never went back and have been wary of counselors ever since.  But...I really think I need some help sorting through all of this and I know others have had great results.

[akraus2015]

addymac, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. I like to think we're a pretty supportive bunch.
doodler, sorry you're having such a shitty time. 16 days of bleeding would make akraus one ragey bitch for sure.
Haiiiii pinkcat!!! Good to see you!

How are you doing? I'm okay. Not looking forward to going back to reality this evening. End of vacation is always kind of a letdown. I am excited to snuggle LouDog though!!

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, taking a break and doing a few natural cycles while we save some money.

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR, RPL, Secondary IF

Updates/questions: If you've been following my cemetery drama, I finally got an appointment for Friday to design a headstone for Emmett. In the meantime they have promised to keep a temporary marker up.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing too extreme, I'm just still bummed that his cross seems to be gone for good. I was really hoping it would turn up somewhere. My MIL made it for him and I would have loved to keep it at home somewhere.

QOTW: Halloween is over and I'm on to Thanksgiving. What is your favorite thing about Thanksgiving? If you don't celebrate, tell us another fav holiday tradition.
PUMPKIN PIEEEEEEE!!!

[Rama]

addymac So sorry to see you join us. :( It's all depressing, don't feel bad about venting to us.

How are you doing?Confused, but pretty okay atm

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): T?TC - TWW

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP, oglio-/annovulation

Updates/questions: I'm not sure what prompted it, but my body has had two normal-ish cycles since our last treatment cycle. I'll take it. We have some pretty good timing this cycle, too. So if it happened, I'm pretty jazzed.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Tomorrow is Jackson's birthday and I'm sure I'll be thinking about him, LED, Ridley, and Blake all day. I've never met him and I miss him.

**spoiler for older child death trigger**

SPOILER: Click to show

Also, the day before we left for vacation, my mom called me to tell me that a family friend's daughter died. She just never woke up. Her parents found her very slightly warm to the touch and could do nothing to resuscitate her. She was 12. Had a few health issues and some developmental ones, I think, but she was such a happy and bright soul. Even though I wasn't close with them, I'm pretty devastated by this. I couldn't say anything other than "what" at my mom for about 5 minutes. To be absolutely frank, she annoyed me; I thought she was obnoxious. But...fuck. She wasnt a bad kid. Just...FUCK. I'm really, unreasonably upset about this. She didn't deserve to leave. Her family didn't deserve to get hit with this. Her siblings don't deserve to live with the horror and guilt that her void will cause. I'm so sad. So very, very sad.

QOTW: Halloween is over and I'm on to Thanksgiving. What is your favorite thing about Thanksgiving? If you don't celebrate, tell us another fav holiday tradition. I love the festiveness, I guess? Like, I like the food and family and all, but the general upliftedness of the day/season just makes me feel happy. :)

[Rama]

Nov 1, 2016 10:08:48 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Updates/questions: If you've been following my cemetery drama, I finally got an appointment for Friday to design a headstone for Emmett. In the meantime they have promised to keep a temporary marker up.

I'm glad that they're doing what they can to rectify the mishap. They better fuckin' not lose this one, too. I'm still steamed over them mysteriously losing your cross.

[akraus2015]

Rama I'm so sorry to hear about your family friend. My cousin passed at 14 and for some reason it just seems to hurt so much more when young people die.

I think you're a great friend for helping LED celebrate and remember her son. I can definitely count on one hand the people who are willing to do that with me, and it probably means more to her than you know.

[doodler]

akraus2015 I'm glad to hear that you guys enjoyed the vaca! You certainly deserved it! I'm with Rams at being pissed that they "misplaced" Emmett's cross.

Rama that is awful. I am so sorry. I can't even imagine. As hard as this shit is, I cannot imagine the total hell that it must be to lose an older child.

[rosey06]

Sorry for your loss addymac right there with you on weird after loss cycles. It's so frustrating.

doodler sending hugs. Hope you find some comfort with the counseling.

pinkcat never apologize for breaks. Sometimes you just need it. Good luck with the new doctor!

[rosey06]

How are you doing? Annoyed

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): ttc. First 'real' cycle after the loss.

Diagnosis (if applicable): spontaneous miscarriage

Updates/questions: im still waiting to O here. LAST sat I started getting positive (and almost positive) OPKs. It went on till Thursday. Then for a couple days they stayed dark, but not positive. Then sun and Monday, they lightened to a good negative. Yet my temp never jumped. Figured after a week, my body gave up. Then today, it went back to dark.. but not positive. I've never had this issue. We are trying so desperately to catch this little egg. But I'm just done and want to give up this cycle. Deep down I know every cycle is important and to just keep trying cause I've never actually not ovulated (even ovulated just weeks after the loss) so my fingers are crossed I eventually will.
And then my crazy mind wants to know if my egg has been trying to go for so long, is it still a 'good' egg? Google hasn't told me much. I feel silly even googling that also.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): i need a social media break. So many announcements lately, ugh!

QOTW: Halloween is over and I'm on to Thanksgiving.  What is your favorite thing about Thanksgiving?  If you don't celebrate, tell us another fav holiday tradition.
The food! Love thanksgiving dinner!

[esgrunner]

Delrurking for a couple of comments....addymac, I have been checking my levels with pregnancy tests once a week since my miscarriage in mid-October. I'm still turning them positive which is really starting to get on my nerves. So, it hasn't been too long but I guess that is a possibility. Sorry to hear your move/FMLA could slow down your TTC plans.
Also, rosey06, the announcements are driving me crazy too! I didn't know they would hit me so hard but I was bawling over it all again yesterday after hearing about one.
I know I haven't done an intro yet (not ready for that yet!) but I appreciate everyone sharing their stories. It is so helpful for me to read.

[Rama]

Nov 1, 2016 19:41:35 GMT -5 esgrunner said:

Delrurking for a couple of comments....addymac, I have been checking my levels with pregnancy tests once a week since my miscarriage in mid-October. I'm still turning them positive which is really starting to get on my nerves. So, it hasn't been too long but I guess that is a possibility. Sorry to hear your move/FMLA could slow down your TTC plans.
Also, rosey06, the announcements are driving me crazy too! I didn't know they would hit me so hard but I was bawling over it all again yesterday after hearing about one.
I know I haven't done an intro yet (not ready for that yet!) but I appreciate everyone sharing their stories. It is so helpful for me to read.

(Just make little comments like this and skip the intro, then. ;) Welcome, lurker!)

[rosey06]

Nov 1, 2016 19:41:35 GMT -5 esgrunner said:

Delrurking for a couple of comments....addymac, I have been checking my levels with pregnancy tests once a week since my miscarriage in mid-October. I'm still turning them positive which is really starting to get on my nerves. So, it hasn't been too long but I guess that is a possibility. Sorry to hear your move/FMLA could slow down your TTC plans.
Also, rosey06, the announcements are driving me crazy too! I didn't know they would hit me so hard but I was bawling over it all again yesterday after hearing about one.
I know I haven't done an intro yet (not ready for that yet!) but I appreciate everyone sharing their stories. It is so helpful for me to read.

Welcome! But sorry about your loss.

It's weird, I'm mentally ok.. till I see an announcement.

[addymac]

Nov 1, 2016 21:28:44 GMT -5 rosey06 said:

Nov 1, 2016 19:41:35 GMT -5 esgrunner said:

Delrurking for a couple of comments....addymac , I have been checking my levels with pregnancy tests once a week since my miscarriage in mid-October. I'm still turning them positive which is really starting to get on my nerves. So, it hasn't been too long but I guess that is a possibility. Sorry to hear your move/FMLA could slow down your TTC plans.
Also, rosey06 , the announcements are driving me crazy too! I didn't know they would hit me so hard but I was bawling over it all again yesterday after hearing about one.
I know I haven't done an intro yet (not ready for that yet!) but I appreciate everyone sharing their stories. It is so helpful for me to read.

Welcome! But sorry about your loss.

It's weird, I'm mentally ok.. till I see an announcement.

Lately, announcements have been all over Fb, and I just can't deal  I've hidden so many people with newborns and pregnancy announcements bc I just can't.  It sends me into a downward spiral and I just need to start protecting myself. As my BFF says, "it's about you and what you need, not about anyone else. Self care and hiding from fb or instagram is my jam. 

[akraus2015]

On my way to meet with the cemetery guy to design E's grave marker. I have a huge lump in my throat. And my stomach. If you have good thoughts I'll take them.

[doodler]

Nov 4, 2016 7:58:12 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

On my way to meet with the cemetery guy to design E's grave marker. I have a huge lump in my throat. And my stomach. If you have good thoughts I'll take them.

Sending all of the good stuff your way dear.

[Rama]

Nov 4, 2016 7:58:12 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

On my way to meet with the cemetery guy to design E's grave marker. I have a huge lump in my throat. And my stomach. If you have good thoughts I'll take them.