PgAL/PAIF check in week of 12/18

[teachermomtobe]

The weeks keep ticking by, how are the emotions doing?

QOTW: Is this holiday season emotionally different for you than previous ones?

[ihatepizza]

Thanks for starting teachermomtobe, I'm still on the fence about getting a home doppler. Now that I can see and feel my uterus I feel that it has become a lot more anteverted and I *should* be able to hear something but I still have my what ifs. We received a massive influx of baby stuff this last week so whenever I start to have extreme anxiety I go and start sorting through it. Really debating about giving up team green in an attempt the try to make this pregnancy seem more "real".

QOTW: I gave up the "by next Christmas I'll be" years ago because of all the grief associated with it. I'm scared to even think "by next Christmas I'll have a newborn". On the other hand I can't wait to share with extended family who haven't heard the news. I feel like I've been waiting years for this and am letting myself get excited

[teachermomtobe]

ihatepizza, I fear the doppler will increase my anxiety so I have decided not to get one.

I *think* I feel my uterus which is helping me know baby is growing. I wish I had a bump though to show me for sure baby is getting bigger. My lower abdomen is not as flat as it used to be and DH and I can tell there is a small bump but anyone else laughs at me. I'm very thin which I've heard can mean it will take awhile to show.

We announced on FB and acknowledged IF. I got messages from others I know who have kids now but struggled with IF at the time. It's nice to know how many strong women are a part of this crappy club. I am telling my students this week because their parents are coming in Thursday and *may* be able to tell I'm pregnant so I want it out in the open. Of course this is causing some anxiety with the "what ifs".

QOTW: Last year my period started on Christmas Day after a failed IUI. I was definitely bitter and in a bad place and hurting so much on the inside. This year I am in a much better place emotionally and feel able to enjoy the holiday season. I am still sad though for all of those that I know on TCF and IRL who are still struggling this year.

[cateyes]

I feel like I have moved into a weird middle ground with my thoughts. Like I finally accepted that we are pregnant and things are going good and life is happy. But on the other hand, I still can't see that this will result in a take-home baby and life is going to be good. It is weird to try and explain, like somehow I'm going to be pregnant forever and never get to that next step. Or maybe this is all a dream I will wake up from.

QOTW: I feel like how I stated above is how I feel at Christmas. The last two years we have avoided a lot of family functions and parties because it was just too hard. Each year was filled with more babies and more pregnancies and more things that I just couldn't handle. This year, everybody is all excited and like ihatepizza said, talking about how next year we will have a newborn at Christmas, and it just sounds foreign to me. Like I still can't believe that we are actually going to get to that step. The holidays are much happier this year and I feel like there is a lot of excitement, but I still feel a lot of guilt and sadness for people who I know are still struggling. I'm also still struggling with all the new pregnancies because I know that they have not had struggles and it still is hard for me to be joyful in those situations, obviously, I am still part Scrooge.

[teachermomtobe]

Like I said I got lots of supportive messages on FB after coming out about our IF. I got one that pissed me off. My old roommate (we weren't friends, just random roommates) messaged me that she had a baby in July and it's the most magical thing and sent me a photo. I had hidden her because she got pregnant before her wedding day and in my IF bitter brain I didn't need reminders of how fertile everyone else is. All these months later it still pissed me off that she messaged me that. Like she clearly does NOT get it at all.

[huskermom]

Emotions are getting better for the most part. We moved DS into his big boy bed and rearranged his room to move some of his toys in there since his playroom will now be the nursery. Part of me felt that silly mom guilt because I'm taking that space away from him but at the same time, we aren't taking it yet and he freaking loves his big boy room. I've had a couple of days where I was convinced that baby wasn't alive anymore for some weird reason, but thankfully we are able to use the doppler at work and I've heard the heartbeat a few times this week so I know peanut is still there.

QOTW: I'm in a very odd place emotionally this holiday season. My heart aches for our friends who lost their baby girl in April and who haven't been able to conceive again yet. I'm kind of sad thinking about how I should be 7 months pregnant instead of 3, but also happy that we have this baby to look forward to. But I'm like the rest of you and still don't really think about taking baby home because you just never know. So basically I'm in a glass case of emotions.

[huskermom]

I'm sorry teachermomtobe. People can be so insensitive and just not think before they speak. I'm glad you've gotten mostly supportive messages since "coming out" about your IF.

[sdlaura]

I am headed to MD for Christmas on Wednesday. We haven't been back at Christmas in 6 years. The last time we went back, 6 years ago, I was 19 weeks pregnant with our first baby, after dealing with IF, and had just had the anatomy scan that told us the baby was unlikely to survive. We couldn't get any medical appointments right around Christmas and figured being around family might be comforting, so we still made the trip and just canceled all social stuff we had planned. When we got home after the trip, we got second, third, and fourth opinions telling us that baby wouldn't survive, and we ended the pregnancy in mid-January. It was definitely the lowest point of my life. The saving grace of this trip is that I will be so busy with the two kids and seeing family and friends that I hopefully won't have time to think about it much. At the time, we wondered if we'd every have kids, so I'm going to focus on how incredibly lucky we are to have two healthy kids now and be expecting a third.   

[honda13]

sdlaura, all the hugs to you.