Thoughts About Loss

[14joa31]

I have been thinking a lot about loss lately. As a member of TCF, my eyes are really open now to the facts of pregnancy loss, especially later term and even child loss. Three women on our board went through excruciating losses last year. And I cannot even begin to wrap my head around it. I have been reading tons of blogs on loss in the past few days.

Today is Kenley's first birthday, and my heart is just breaking for rslh and her family.

Although I have never experienced loss, my mother had two early miscarriages. I asked her about them this week for the first time. It's weird to think that I could have two more siblings here today.

I started to feel guilty that I have never thought about my siblings before - I believe in the after life and I hope to see them again. I hope that they can see me and know that I am thinking of them. I just pinned their names onto a post-it next to my desk - Johanna and Stephen.

So, I don't know. This is just a thread to share thoughts about loss.

[kcrkcs]

Having too many feels to put down words. Going to try to come back later. After i get my thoughts together a bit.

[scorpioscuba]

😪 I think about rslh & little miss Ken.ley every day. Especially today. I remember exactly where I was when I read the news. And I just cried. It still doesn't seem real. Loss is so very hard. It's so not fair.

I had a very early miscarriage before I got pregnant with DS. It was so hard and devastating at the time. I didn't know anyone who had had one. I felt like there was something wrong with me or I did something wrong. I know better now and I'm so grateful for my two healthy babies. It really makes you appreciate the miracle that each baby truly is.

My heartfelt prayers and thoughts go out to the entire rslh family tonight. I miss her so much! 💕

[icequeen]

Losing a child is the worst pain I could ever imagine, whether in utero or in early childhood. My personal losses are hard to face but I don't think they can compare to birthing an angel and seeing him/her face to face. I get very choked up when I think about DS's twin who vanished in the beginning of second tri. It was excruciating to watch my other baby's heartbeat get slower and slower and grow smaller and smaller at each US visit. I will never forget the tech saying "That one just does not want to give up, still going" as if he wanted to stay and keep up with his brother. I HATED seeing my child fight so hard for survival knowing that he would never make it.

When I read the post about rslh last year, I couldn't talk, breathe, or think clearly. Everything was just a nauseating blur and I just remember thinking "This cannot be happening. What kind of sick joke is this?" I follow rslh on IG and wrote her a few messages on TCF but haven't heard back. I assume it's because she's either not getting them or because it's too painful to talk to me at this point. Either way, I know she is going through hell on earth today, especially. I do think, however, she has some joy in being pregnant again with another girl.

[14joa31]

icequeen - I remember your vanishing twin and hoping that he/she would defy the odds. So many T&P's sweet lady.
scorpioscuba - I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Before I joined this community, I was so unaware of pregnancy loss. T&Ps!!

I think DS sensed that Mommy needed some extra snuggles tonight. He fell asleep in my arms in the rocking chair tonight. It's been well over a year since that has happened. I loved every minute. Every Mama should have the joy of rocking her baby to sleep at night.

[crimsonandclover]

I lost my second pregnancy on DD1's first birthday. I knew it was coming sometime soon, but that was when the bleeding started and I had to go to the ER. 2 months later I was pregnant with DD2. On the one hand I grieve for that child and try to picture him/her up in heaven, playing with my dad (I feel a lot less sad about it since my dad died, however strange that might sound. He adored his grandkids and is most certainly enjoying playing with that one.). On the other hand, if I hadn't lost that pregnancy I wouldn't have DD2. And considering how dangerously her pregnancy ended, there's a possibility I wouldn't have lived through a birth 3 months earlier if it meant I would have ruptured earlier. So I have very mixed feelings about it, and I have mixed feelings about those mixed feelings.

I know everyone experiences their own losses differently, but for me personally I think it would have been a lot harder to lose a (close to) term baby when I thought I was "in the clear." And losing a child you've already experienced as their own person? I have a mild panic attack whenever I even think about losing one of the DDs. An acquaintance of DH (I met them once) had a 5 year old who developed brain cancer and died within 6 months of the diagnosis. That is a kind of pain I simply cannot wrap my mind around and hope I never have to.