TTCAL 01/19/17

[Deleted]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: Do you have pets? Bonus points for pictures.

[Rama]

How are you doing? Apprehensive

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP, olgio-/anovulation

Updates/questions: First letrozole cycle! I'm just nervous about doing new things. I'm sure it'll be fine. But moving on to letrozole means getting closer to injectables, IUI, IVF and that all just feels so overwhelming.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I need more babies in my life. I need another shot at this mom thing. I feel like a fraud, calling myself a mom with nothing to show for it. I really, really don't want to be just an angel mom forever.

QOTW: Do you have pets? Bonus points for pictures. I have a Koda! I'll edit a pic in.

[aprilz81]

Hi! I kinda go here now...

History: TTC since October 2014, PCOS (anovulatory) and saw an RE to get pregnant. Our first Clomid cycle resulted in a loss at 5 weeks and last May we got pregnant on a cancelled IUI cycle due to over response to Femara. It was a difficult pregnancy from the start, she always measured small on each ultrasound, first it was just a few days behind, then a week, then multiple weeks.

At 18 weeks during our Level II ultrasound they found a birth defect called Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (hole in her diaphragm) which caused her stomach, intestines, spleen and part of her liver to move up into her chest cavity and prevented the lungs from developing. The surgeon's said her case was so severe that surgical repair was not an option and that if we were lucky she would have a few minutes after birth before she passed. At 31 weeks she started retaining fluid and was diagnosed with heart failure so we decided to induce in hopes of spending a few minutes with her. She was born on November 17 at 32 weeks exactly but the stress of labor and delivery was too much for her heart to handle and she was born still. We named her Ava Grace and she weighed 4 pounds 15 ounces and was 17.5 inches long (larger than we expected from all of the ultrasound measurements).

Our OB said 3-6 months would be find to try again. I'm doing one more month of BCP, we will try one month on our own just in case I ovulate the first month off of the pill before my natural screwed up hormones take over (it happened our first month of TTC) and then we will to back to the RE if needed. So right now we are officially benched for another month.

Physically I'm almost back to normal (10 weeks post partum today) but my tailbone still hurts sometimes from the breech delivery with forceps. It is leaps and bounds better than it was a few days after she was born but still gives me problems when I sit on hard/firm chairs. I've lost my pregnancy weight and then some which I didn't expect but I'm happy about. I'm trying to lose a little more weight (I'm overweight to begin with) in hopes that it will help us get pregnant easier or at least lead to a healthier pregnancy.

I sometimes feel like I was never pregnant and I certainly don't feel like a mom. I'm forgetting what it felt like when she moved and I've forgotten how excited we were when we found out we were pregnant. Everything is overshadowed by the stress of her diagnosis and losing her.

Part of me is anxious to try again but I'm also terrified that we would lose another baby. I'm sure that is normal... Please tell me it is normal.

[MsG]

aprilz81 , I am so sorry for your losses! I think it's totally normal to feel terrified about another loss. I know I definitely do.


Rama, I totally get the fear about getting closer to all the things. I already feel like that too as I creep up on a year of trying. I love your Koda too! So pretty!

[MsG]

How are you doing? ok-ish.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS

Updates/questions: Expecting AF tomorrow and had a BFN yesterday, so not feeling super optimistic this month.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Can the next 4 years please be over? So very much dreading the inauguration and next four years.

QOTW: Do you have pets? Bonus points for pictures. I do! Two dogs and two cats. You can see my super adorable dogs in my profile pic, so I'll go ahead and post a cat pic here.

[ajetter]

****going to talk about living children***

How are you doing? I think I'm fine most of the time, and then I just completely lose it.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTA until next cycle

Diagnosis (if applicable): I'll use this space to give a brief history. DD1 was born March 2010. After her my cycles became irregular (30-50 days). But eventually DD2 came along in February 2013. Cycles were still irregular after her (30-60 days), and I had lots of pain in my ovaries. Ultrasound showed polycystic ovaries, but besides irregular cycles no other symptoms of PCOS. Got pregnant 4th cycle trying, ended in a chemical at 5 weeks. Got pregnant again before next AF, DD3 was born July 2015. AF returned when she was 14 months. Decided to half heartedly see what would happen, and was pregnant before next AF. Everything looked great, found out it was a fourth girl. At 12 weeks I couldn't find a the heartbeat on the doppler. Two days later OB confirmed she was gone. Had a D&C on 1/6.

Updates/questions: Please forgive me if this is insensitive here. I don't know where to go or who to talk to. I'm struggling with how I should feel. I know there is no right way to feel, but having three already, I feel guilty about being sad that I lost a baby. But she was my baby and when we found out it was another girl I pictured our life with four girls. She was going to be our fourth and final. Still I know how lucky I am to have what I've got. Just today another mom at dance who I don't really know, but chat with occasionally, asked me if we were good with our three or were going to try for four. I responded that we'd consider four and smiled. But I immediately felt like I betrayed our angel daughter. We did have four. I wanted her so bad. But on the outside everything appears fine and I try to keep it that way. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. The chemical was so much easier to deal with. It hurt, but I could rationalize that there was never actually a baby. This time I saw her, looking very much like a baby on the ultrasound. I also feel like I was never pregnant. It was all just a dream.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I guess I was a debbie downer above. I will vent that I had an entire week without a drop of spotting, then last night all the sudden I passed some clots and started spotting a ton. It was all brown so I assume it was just some stuff that didn't come out before, but it was irritating.

QOTW: Do you have pets? Bonus points for pictures. We used to have two cats, but DD2 is allergic and has asthma so we had to give them to another family.

[ajetter]

aprilz81 I'm so very sorry for your losses. I'd say it is totally normal to fear losing another baby.

[aprilz81]

ajetter, I also struggle with the "how many kids do you have/do you have kids" questions. I want to say YES! we have a daughter, but then it just opens up to more questions that are hard to answer and make the question asker feel bad for asking.

I kind of go with the flow... If it is someone I know a little bit and hasn't heard I will tell the truth, if it is a stranger making chit chat I will just tell them we don't have children yet. I will still feel bad about lying but while it is a nosy question 99% of the time they mean no harm.

I do have to admit this week I avoided a situation where we could possibly see people we know that might not have heard what we went through. I didn't want to relive it all and explain yet again what happened. DH is the same depending on the day...

[diamondsndaisies]

Oh aprilz81 I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. There is nothing that I can say to take the pain away but please know we (I) am always here to talk. my twin girls were stillborn at 27weeks to TTTS.

ajetter For the how many kids question, there really isn't a right answer. It's hard deciding what to say and to whom. I find that when strangers ask me I say 3 because they have no idea that 2 of them aren't with us. If it is someone that I think is going to ask a lot of questions I say just 1. Anybody else I know well enough to say more too pretty much already knows. So in the end I play it by ear and sometimes my answer depends on my mood as well. Whatever you decide, it's not wrong.

[rosey06]

I think I'm going to come play here again sometimes if that's ok. I was here for a couple months in the fall after a loss but just had another loss.


How are you doing? I'm ok

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): benched for about 6 months I think. And I think I'm ok with it for now.

Diagnosis (if applicable): spontaneous loss in sept. Missed miscarriage in dec... or maybe a molar pregnancy. Waiting on tests to come back.

Updates/questions: I had my d&c on Jan 3rd but my doctors been out of town. So I don't have my follow up (and answers) till the 3rd. Hcg is still dropping though. Down to 66 this week.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I don't even know how I'll be able to TTC or be pregnant again after these back to back losses to be completely honest. I'm a paranoid person to begin with but yikes, it'll be bad.

QOTW: Do you have pets? Bonus points for pictures. 2 cats. Spongebob and nala

[MsG]

ajetter, I am so sorry for your loss! That you have other children does not mean you don't have every right to grieve your loss.

rosey06, I am so sorry for your losses! I can't even imagine how difficult the back-to-back must be. Your fur babies are gorgeous! Hope they're giving you tons of snuggles and comfort.

[ajetter]

rosey06 I am so sorry for your losses. I can imagine how much back to back ones would hurt. Glad your numbers are still dropping and hope they continue to do so.

[cnf2013]

I'm going to start playing here, if no one minds. I just had a loss at 5+1 over the holiday weekend.

Good luck Rama!

I'm sorry aprilz81. I can only imagine how difficult it is when people talk about pregnancy and kids with you. You are, and always will be a mom to Ava.

Sorry about the bfn MsG

rosey06, sending good thoughts to you about your test results.

****TW LC mentioned below***

ajetter, I'm so sorry. I told my H I was glad that things with this one ended before we ever got to see this baby on an ultrasound. We had a scar when I was pregnant with DD and we're told to expect to lose the pregnancy when I was 11 weeks and had already had two ultrasounds. It was devastating at the time having already seen her and felt so invested in the pregnancy. I hope you can start to process and heal. Big hugs.

[cnf2013]

How are you doing? I'm not sure. My feelings are very off and on. H and I had a really long talk last night and I'm feeling a lot of ways right now. But we're going to move ahead, so we'll see.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I've seen two people post about BFPs in FB groups this week. A lot of happy for you sad for me.

QOTW: Just one Griswold

[MsG]

cnf2013, I'm sorry for your loss! Even early, it's hard. Griswold is absolutely adorable though, and I have found with my two dogs that there is no substitute for puppy snuggles.