Loss Check-In 2/16

[mrswheelo]

Hi ladies! I hope you've all been keeping warm this past week. Here in Ohio, it's been windy and freezing!!

1- How are you feeling this week?

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle?

3- Any major events/milestones this week? (Or coming up that's you would like to share)


littleowl913- How's ttc going? Are you taking treatments or conceiving on your own?

flutterfly88- I hope this past week has been sister-drama free! Did you and H do anything on Parker's due date that helped you get through it?

wrenofthesea- Have you been able to open up to H with your feelings about Lillian and your loss?

penguininthecity- Hopefully you were successful in silencing those persistant pregnancy updates.

happyin14- I haven't seen you here in a while. How are things going?

[happyin14]

Thanks for checking on me. I have been having a super hard time. MH and I hit a rough patch and I have been trying to get into a routine now that I am back to work. I miss Jack so much these days. Crying a lot. And having flashbacks.

2- my only answer on this is that with the waves of grief that come, I feel like I've been hit with a tsunami.

3- we started a foundation in Jack's honor and our big launch is in 2 weeks. We had all of these amazing performers who had agreed to be a part of the event and now they are all bailing. Half of the lineup is gone... And while we can find other people to replace, I don't think the names will be as "fancy" and it's not who people bought tickets to see. I am worried that people will be upset and disappointed and the whole point was to use this to grow... Plus, I wanted it to be perfect, you know? Two weeks out and I am scrambling to find people...

[mrswheelo]

Feb 16, 2015 9:09:52 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Thanks for checking on me. I have been having a super hard time. MH and I hit a rough patch and I have been trying to get into a routine now that I am back to work. I miss Jack so much these days. Crying a lot. And having flashbacks.

2- my only answer on this is that with the waves of grief that come, I feel like I've been hit with a tsunami.

3- we started a foundation in Jack's honor and our big launch is in 2 weeks. We had all of these amazing performers who had agreed to be a part of the event and now they are all bailing. Half of the lineup is gone... And while we can find other people to replace, I don't think the names will be as "fancy" and it's not who people bought tickets to see. I am worried that people will be upset and disappointed and the whole point was to use this to grow... Plus, I wanted it to be perfect, you know? Two weeks out and I am scrambling to find people...

Oh no! I'm so sorry ppl are bailing last minute.  Planning these events is hard for many reasons. I understand want in it to be perfect.  Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't meet your expectations.  I've had this problem in the past when things seem to be a complete disaster and totally off schedule and no one ever seems to notice.  Except me of course! Lol. The ppl attending are there to give support. The show is just a bonus. You are doing a wonderful thing and honoring your son. Don't sweat the fails of this year. Use them to make sure next year is even better! Thinking of you during this crazy time. Is there any way any of us can help? What sort of performances do you need and where?  ( you don't have to share if that would be too personal)

[mrswheelo]

1- How are you feeling this week?
I'm a rollercoaster, as usual. Except I don't go all the way down now. I'm not as tense this week, but I feel sad for different reasons than usual. I'm sad that I hurt my H feelings bc I don't always process my feelings well & I'm sad that we're not pregnant again, yet. I am happy to have such a patient H. I'm feeling motivated to get out and about. Having mixed feelings about the many triggers I didn't know I had while in public.

2- where are you in your grief cycle?
I'm at the point where I'm able to accept that things happened that I couldn't control and will never fully understand. No one will. I'm working towards being at peace with that fact. Still trying to find that balance of grieving in a healthy way and withdrawing.

3-Any major events/milestones?
A major discussion with DH revealed that although i have been open about my grief and the group, I have actually created distance between us. I vent here. I read the stories you ladies post, & I feel a little better. Then I don't flood my H with sadness and worries as soon as he gets home. I thought doing that would prevent him from getting upset. Well, that doesn't work. DH told me he feels like it has caused me to withdraw and that he is upset that I dont share with him like I did in the beginning. He handles his feelings so differently than I do, it's easy to forget that he needs to talk sometimes too. In focusing so much on what happened, I lost sight of the reason we wanted those babies in the first place! Bc we love eachother so much. And bc we want to use that love to grow our family. I realize that I can't change anything that happened. I will always wonder "what if". I will always have questions with no answers. I will always love and miss my perfect twins. And I will have to live with that. The problem is, I haven't been "living". I've just been going through the motions. Trying to act normal in hopes that I will be. But, there is no more normal. There is no going back. I will always be the mother of 2 babies that that died. But my H and I are still here and have possibilities for the future. Maybe there will be more children & maybe there won't be. My milestone has been to see how much I've been missing out on; how much I truly have, by focusing on what I don't.

Every week is different. I just hope to continue to learn as I go.

[happyin14]

mrswheelo- I am glad you guys had a good talk. Buts always good to check-in... And there will probably be times where he needs you to vent elsewhere. It's all so cyclical. MH and I really try to do those check-ins.

Also, I will be honest and say that we aren't always on the same page. My therapist and I would talk about this a lot. He would say "in sync"... And sometimes we just were out of sync. But we find our way back... I think it's all normal.

And thanks for the offer for the benefit. I live in NYC and work in theater. So I have had some great Broadway singers lined up. And I always knew there was a chance I would lose some, I just didn't think so many and all right before... I have a lot of other actors to ask, I just worry about having as strong of a lineup so people who bought tickets don't think I misled them.

[flutterfly88]

I'm on my break at work so I'll respond to everyone later, just needed to get this out and process. Thanks for being my sounding post ladies (((( hugs))))
1- Yesterday was good, we got a bunch of new plants for our patio that look great. A pussy willow tree, and some tulips and hyacinths (sp) plus some other stuff. It was good to focus on something positive. Today I am an emotional wreck. It's Parker's due date and I'm struggling to get through my work day (I work with preschool aged children in a daycare.) 4 more hours and then I'm done. Today has hit me a lot hardrr than I thought.

No sister drama lately, so that's a plus!

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle? Today I'm a mess. I know bad days are to be expected and I'm hoping to make it through. I was feeling good, almost ready to get back to more of my normal life with teaching Sunday School again, aiming for March to start that. With going back to teaching it makes the loss of Parker that much more real. I had volunteered just until my due date,but now that I'm not due anymore I feel I should finish out the year.

3. Parker was due today, the 16th. After I get done at work DH and I are bring flowers and a couple Mylar baloons to his grave. I'm hoping it will help. I also think I want to dedicate our patio garden to Parker and the baby we lsot to an earlirr miscarriage, with a sign or something.

[happyin14]

Feb 16, 2015 17:05:35 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

I'm on my break at work so I'll respond to everyone later, just needed to get this out and process. Thanks for being my sounding post ladies (((( hugs))))
1- Yesterday was good, we got a bunch of new plants for our patio that look great. A pussy willow tree, and some tulips and hyacinths (sp) plus some other stuff. It was good to focus on something positive. Today I am an emotional wreck. It's Parker's due date and I'm struggling to get through my work day (I work with preschool aged children in a daycare.) 4 more hours and then I'm done. Today has hit me a lot hardrr than I thought.

No sister drama lately, so that's a plus!

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle? Today I'm a mess. I know bad days are to be expected and I'm hoping to make it through. I was feeling good, almost ready to get back to more of my normal life with teaching Sunday School again, aiming for March to start that. With going back to teaching it makes the loss of Parker that much more real. I had volunteered just until my due date,but now that I'm not due anymore I feel I should finish out the year.

3. Parker was due today, the 16th. After I get done at work DH and I are bring flowers and a couple Mylar baloons to his grave. I'm hoping it will help. I also think I want to dedicate our patio garden to Parker and the baby we lsot to an earlirr miscarriage, with a sign or something.

Hugs!!! I think you will feel better after your visit with Parker. I find on important dates, I need to build in time to grieve. Then I don't feel the pressure to keep it together which usually means I have an easier time. And feel all the things you need to feel!!! A good cry can be so, so good.

Hang in there. You will get through today, you've made it this far. And things will seem somewhat easier tomorrow. Although the lack of a big event ahead of you may also be daunting... Give some time to pamper yourself or just sleep this weekend. These emotions are exhausting!

[littleowl913]

((hugs)) happyin14, I'm sorry you're having a rough time lately.

mrswheelo, glad you were able to talk to YH and hopefully it gets you guys talking and sharing more.

((hugs)) flutterfly88. I always feel better after visiting Ronin's grave.


AFM,

1- How are you feeling this week? I'm better now. This past Thursday I was at the cardiologist and just totally broke down. I was telling her I was annoyed I still need medicine for my BP because I felt I should be back to "normal" after I gave birth. If my placenta was causing all this and it's gone, why do I still have high BP? Then cue ugly cry. My dr was so comforting and even said to call her if I just needed someone to talk to.

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle? I think I'm on the upswing. I survived Ronin's EDD and my friend giving birth a week later last month so hopefully it keeps going up.

3- Any major events/milestones this week? (Or coming up that's you would like to share) Nothing to report this week.

[mrswheelo]

Feb 16, 2015 17:05:35 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

I'm on my break at work so I'll respond to everyone later, just needed to get this out and process. Thanks for being my sounding post ladies (((( hugs))))
1- Yesterday was good, we got a bunch of new plants for our patio that look great. A pussy willow tree, and some tulips and hyacinths (sp) plus some other stuff. It was good to focus on something positive. Today I am an emotional wreck. It's Parker's due date and I'm struggling to get through my work day (I work with preschool aged children in a daycare.) 4 more hours and then I'm done. Today has hit me a lot hardrr than I thought.

No sister drama lately, so that's a plus!

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle? Today I'm a mess. I know bad days are to be expected and I'm hoping to make it through. I was feeling good, almost ready to get back to more of my normal life with teaching Sunday School again, aiming for March to start that. With going back to teaching it makes the loss of Parker that much more real. I had volunteered just until my due date,but now that I'm not due anymore I feel I should finish out the year.

3. Parker was due today, the 16th. After I get done at work DH and I are bring flowers and a couple Mylar baloons to his grave. I'm hoping it will help. I also think I want to dedicate our patio garden to Parker and the baby we lsot to an earlirr miscarriage, with a sign or something.

How did things go with visiting Parker yesterday? Those sound like beautiful ideas.

[mrswheelo]

littleowl913- I'm glad you are on the upswing! I'm sorry your bp is still outta wack, but your dr seems very caring.

AFM, DH & I actually spend alot of time together and are always talking. Apparently, just not as much as I thought. It's so easy to be completely absorbed in what happened. I think about the twins everyday. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes not. I worry if he knows how much of my day is dedicated to researching or looking through their pictures, it will make him sad. But he definitely noticed that I was not sharing everything, so I guess I have to let him in.

[flutterfly88]

Feb 17, 2015 8:24:49 GMT -5 mrswheelo said:

Feb 16, 2015 17:05:35 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

I'm on my break at work so I'll respond to everyone later, just needed to get this out and process. Thanks for being my sounding post ladies (((( hugs))))
1- Yesterday was good, we got a bunch of new plants for our patio that look great. A pussy willow tree, and some tulips and hyacinths (sp) plus some other stuff. It was good to focus on something positive. Today I am an emotional wreck. It's Parker's due date and I'm struggling to get through my work day (I work with preschool aged children in a daycare.) 4 more hours and then I'm done. Today has hit me a lot hardrr than I thought.

No sister drama lately, so that's a plus!

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle? Today I'm a mess. I know bad days are to be expected and I'm hoping to make it through. I was feeling good, almost ready to get back to more of my normal life with teaching Sunday School again, aiming for March to start that. With going back to teaching it makes the loss of Parker that much more real. I had volunteered just until my due date,but now that I'm not due anymore I feel I should finish out the year.

3. Parker was due today, the 16th. After I get done at work DH and I are bring flowers and a couple Mylar baloons to his grave. I'm hoping it will help. I also think I want to dedicate our patio garden to Parker and the baby we lsot to an earlirr miscarriage, with a sign or something.

How did things go with visiting Parker yesterday? Those sound like beautiful ideas.

It was good, I was able to leave work a little early, so even though it was dark, it was the dusky dark, and not pitch black. After setting the things up DH was ready to go and I wasn't so he gave me a few minutes by myself. I played the song we played in the hospital and at his burial service and sang and wept. It was really good to get it all out. 

This is what we left him (sorry it's sideways)

[flutterfly88]

Feb 16, 2015 19:03:13 GMT -5 littleowl913 said:

((hugs)) happyin14, I'm sorry you're having a rough time lately.

mrswheelo, glad you were able to talk to YH and hopefully it gets you guys talking and sharing more.

((hugs)) flutterfly88. I always feel better after visiting Ronin's grave.


AFM,

1- How are you feeling this week? I'm better now. This past Thursday I was at the cardiologist and just totally broke down. I was telling her I was annoyed I still need medicine for my BP because I felt I should be back to "normal" after I gave birth. If my placenta was causing all this and it's gone, why do I still have high BP? Then cue ugly cry. My dr was so comforting and even said to call her if I just needed someone to talk to.

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle? I think I'm on the upswing. I survived Ronin's EDD and my friend giving birth a week later last month so hopefully it keeps going up.

3- Any major events/milestones this week? (Or coming up that's you would like to share) Nothing to report this week.

Did she give you any answers on why your BP is still out of whack? (((hugs))) Glad to hear that life is on the upswing. 

[flutterfly88]

mrswheelo I'm glad that you and YH are communicating more. Do you think it would help if you and he scheduled a time every week (or few days) to communicate and share what's on your minds regarding your twins? ((((hugs)))).

happyin14 How are things coming along today? Any more changes to the line-up? Did you make a website of Facebook event for your benefit? If you haven't already maybe think about announcing that their will be changes to the line up of people performing, but you're still expecting it to be a great night. I hope everything works out the way you want it to. I'm sorry that tings seem to be hitting you hard again. Let yourself feel the grief and work through it, also be gentle and kind with yourself, do a little something just for you today. ((((hugs))))

[littleowl913]

Feb 17, 2015 11:15:38 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

Feb 16, 2015 19:03:13 GMT -5 littleowl913 said:

((hugs)) happyin14, I'm sorry you're having a rough time lately.

mrswheelo, glad you were able to talk to YH and hopefully it gets you guys talking and sharing more.

((hugs)) flutterfly88. I always feel better after visiting Ronin's grave.


AFM,

1- How are you feeling this week? I'm better now. This past Thursday I was at the cardiologist and just totally broke down. I was telling her I was annoyed I still need medicine for my BP because I felt I should be back to "normal" after I gave birth. If my placenta was causing all this and it's gone, why do I still have high BP? Then cue ugly cry. My dr was so comforting and even said to call her if I just needed someone to talk to.

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle? I think I'm on the upswing. I survived Ronin's EDD and my friend giving birth a week later last month so hopefully it keeps going up.

3- Any major events/milestones this week? (Or coming up that's you would like to share) Nothing to report this week.

Did she give you any answers on why your BP is still out of whack? (((hugs))) Glad to hear that life is on the upswing. 

She just said that after pregnancy, your body can change and apparently my body is now super sensitive to salt, hence my BP issues.

[happyin14]

flutterfly88 - the venue has a website and always says: "performers subject to change". But it's still disappointing. And I don't want anyone thinking they were intentionally misled.

Plus, now, I am just short. I need people. Everyone is out of town.... And the added pressure of wanting it to be perfect for Jack.

[wrenofthesea]

happyin14 I am sorry that performers have had to cancel on you- it is my hope that the people that come are there for your son and the performers are just an added bonus. I will be thinking of you and hoping that everything goes well as you continue to prepare.

flutterfly88 I love the balloons you brought for Parker and I am glad that you got to get off work a little early to go visit him

littleowl913 I am sorry to hear that you are still having trouble with your BP. It sounds like your doctor is kind and seems to have somewhat of an answer as to why it is still a problem.

mrswheelo I am glad to hear that YH and you are talking and discussing. I know with my H and I it is difficult at times. We do connect and open up to each other quite a bit, but I was also trying to keep some of it from him as I didn't want him to worry about me while he was at work or come home from a long day to a distraught wife. It is difficult to find that balance and as happyin14 put it "in sync"

ASM

1- How are you feeling this week?
Well, it helped that Monday was a holiday for my work and since I am currently only working M, W, F it makes for a short week for me. Work continues to be really tough and it has been really difficult to not draft a 2 weeks notice to my supervisor. H is out of town for work which has been difficult but he comes home tonight so that is making me a little happy right now. My parents did come over this past weekend and stayed through to Monday morning so that helped to have some family to distract me while he was gone.

2- Where are you in your grieving cycle?
Not quite sure where I am right now. Maybe a little bit in acceptance but also in anger. There are just times I am angry at everything. Mostly connected with Lillian and her death but also just random things- I admit to having very little patience for things that should be no big deal which then makes me feel ashamed and hard on myself. Luckily H has recognized it is part of grief so he is trying his best to help me.

3- Any major events/milestones this week? (Or coming up that's you would like to share)
I guess a milestone for me was H going out of town for 5 days. It was the first time I had to spend nights without him. I have gotten used to and found ways to get though my days without him, but not having him come home in the evening has been rough, but I seem to have made it through. Now my work wants me to go out of town early April. It means I will have to fly out on Lillian's 6 months... not sure how that is going to go for me and personally I don't want to leave H alone for that as I know that each month has been hard for him. It is also Easter that I would fly out on. For me and my family Easter is not that big of a deal, but it is for H and his family. So, I worry it will be hard on him that day as I know his parents were so excited at the possibility of their first grandchild coming over for Easter.