How to improve?

[kaf7]

Hi Ladies
I have read the other threads here and on SAIF about how some women feel unwelcome on SAIF. I had my first in 2013 and my second in Dec 2015. I am genuinely interested in knowing how we can improve things on SAIF. Can you guys provide examples of how you were made to feel unwelcome? Or what would make you feel more welcomed? I admit I don't routinely read checkins that don't apply to me. At times, often for months at a time, my tcf time might be limited to a few min a day at best. Those are things I have identified that may have been barriers to me getting to know new members. Any other thoughts?

Eta: how do I cross post? I am not sure where the people who might have opinions are most likely to see this. Thanks!

[milkeyway]

I would just copy and paste this post onto SAIF and check both threads for feedback.
I'm going to use general terms like "they" and "vets" just because it's easy I'm not thinking of anyone specific in my comment here. When I was on PAIF it was a hopping place we had our trimester check ins plus HDBD, touchy Tuesday, throat punch thursday, furbaby friday, etc....transitioning to SAIF there wasn't/isn't as much and when items were posted it felt like all is newer ladies commenting. Granted some of the "vets" have more kids so understandable they couldn't always comment timely but then starting a toddler check in and not commenting on whatever else there was seemed like they didn't care to get to know us. Maybe trying to start up the regular weekly threads and encouraging all members to participate would be a good first step. I really don't know though I'm anxious to see what others say.
ETA: there was talk of a "new to the board read here first" type post because when we joined there were "rules" that we didn't know about and people were called out for breaking them.

[milkeyway]

Also just thought of a SAIF roster like most BMBs have. We could have screen names kids ages and whatever else. Then we'd know who's even on SAIF and who we should call out for checkins.

[milkeyway]

Me again... I know that welcome posts can get old especially when there's a baby boom but commenting on them welcoming new members to the board is super important for the new ladies to feel welcome.

[kaf7]

Thanks for the input both of you.

I was the one who wrote the read this first post and got input on the content and I am not sure why it isn't posted. I will look into that.

I agree that things get sleepy there. Until the fall 2015 influx I am not sure we were even doing any checkins at all except maybe ttca. I would have to go and look though.

I agree that perhaps bridges can't be mended but I do think that with some reflection and understanding perhaps we can be more inclusive and welcoming from this point forward even if just a few individuals make more of an effort. I am willing to try.

[MellyKnu]

Thank you for asking!

When I came to SAIF, it seemed like most of the support being given was by those who were pretty new to SAIF themselves, with a few exceptions. I was very thankful that there was a baby boom a couple months before Ro was born and that I was part of another big boom because that's where most of the "my LO did that and here's what we did" posts came from.

I understand that life with kids can be crazy and you (all of us SAIFers) don't necessarily have a lot of time to spend reading every check in. I get it. But even just skimming through the challenges in some of them and chiming in with your experiences with problems that newer moms are coming across makes all the difference. I will say that when somebody makes an AW post it's more likely that some vets will respond, however it's not feasible to do that with every issue. AW posts should, in my mind, be more like "I've tried everything I can think of and now I'm desperate" or "this sudden scary thing just happened, help!!" Like I once had to tell my coworker "if you highlight everything on the page, nothing is going to stand out." So check ins are naturally where we air our day to day, non-emergent but not unimportant problems/challenges/concerns. As such, that's where the most support is needed.

Also, there is a bi-weekly check in for young toddlers (12-24m), but nobody has started one for older toddlers and kids. If there was one, maybe more vets would be more active and these "old lady/vets, come say hi" type threads would no longer be necessary to keep in touch and the us and them atmosphere that a lot of us are feeling could be eradicated. Also, I know a lot of us do lurk on check ins that we don't belong to so adding this check in would help us get to know the vets better than just "that SN seems vaguely familiar."

[milkeyway]

I will add after ketchups comment, that even if the items I mentioned were taken into consideration and SAIF made some changes I would not feel comfortable just waltzing back in and being a regular contributing member of SAIF. I'm more posting my suggestions for future members so they may hopefully feel welcome. I really hope changes are made and that members try to fix SAIF but I've been hurt by all of this and I won't be forgetting that I have been hurt. And I'd venture to guess many SAIF rejects feel similar.

[kaf7]

Just want to be clear my love tips are for support.

[TJ]

Oh hey. Glad to see the contents of my "private" messages get to remain private... not.

I'm sorry if anyone was offended that we tried to start posting more after shit went down. I guarantee you that I meant absolutely nothing rude by it. But seeing that our home might go down on flames, reminded me of how important it is to me.

I've been struggling really hard with mh depression lately. Bouncing from AD to AD, seeing multiple drs, and still just struggling to breathe on a daily basis. The last year and a half has been so, so hard. I got to the point where I couldn't handle posting. At first, I quit reading intros. Then check ins. Then I was really only watching out for spam. (I was in contact with admins the whole time. They knew what was going on.)

And so part of me feels like I'm to blame for a lot of this, and that I let my community down. Which is a pretty tough pill to swallow when you're already feeling pretty shit on by life. So that's why I started posting a ton.

I think if everyone can agree to just put on your big girl panties and move forward, we can all find a compromise. But if you're going to keep criticizing us for every move we make, we can never move forward.

[murrt]

During my 9 months on PAIF it was pretty boring other than the trimester check ins. This gave me the sads because I never really jiived with my BMB. I was eager to get to SAIF and "see" lots of my friends on the regular. Then when I got there I saw it was sleepy over there too. It made me miss the 3T/IF vibe.

I'm too new to have seen the divide on SAIF, but it is sad. I don't have suggestions on fixing it because I didn't experience it (or maybe I didn't realize I was experiencing it).

But as for PAIF, I feel like I can share a *little* here as a fairly recent grad. I think regular fun check ins that happened on 3T/IF would be welcome here. Lots of ppl don't want to take over the work of a formal check-in, so ppl just posting randoms, throats punch Thursday, etc. would liven it up. In retrospect, I wish I was more of a leader in that aspect during my time here.

Also, lemonliz has occasionally started an all-IF play date which I really enjoyed because it was an easy and fun way for me to see some of the newbies and ladies I "knew" and was rooting for, and the grads that I missed. It also sometimes made me curious about who a poster was that I hadn't seen before and interested me in getting to know them a little more. So, all IF play dates...I'm a fan.

[milkeyway]

Jan 26, 2017 15:40:19 GMT -5 TJ said:

Oh hey. Glad to see the contents of my "private" messages get to remain private... not.

I'm sorry if anyone was offended that we tried to start posting more after shit went down. I guarantee you that I meant absolutely nothing rude by it. But seeing that our home might go down on flames, reminded me of how important it is to me.

I've been struggling really hard with mh depression lately. Bouncing from AD to AD, seeing multiple drs, and still just struggling to breathe on a daily basis. The last year and a half has been so, so hard. I got to the point where I couldn't handle posting. At first, I quit reading intros. Then check ins. Then I was really only watching out for spam. (I was in contact with admins the whole time. They knew what was going on.)

And so part of me feels like I'm to blame for a lot of this, and that I let my community down. Which is a pretty tough pill to swallow when you're already feeling pretty shit on by life. So that's why I started posting a ton.

I think if everyone can agree to just put on your big girl panties and move forward, we can all find a compromise. But if you're going to keep criticizing us for every move we make, we can never move forward.

The divide on the board is no ones fault. I believe it is more because of personality clashes. Take care of yourself❤️

[westiemom]

Jan 26, 2017 15:40:19 GMT -5 TJ said:

Oh hey. Glad to see the contents of my "private" messages get to remain private... not.

I'm sorry if anyone was offended that we tried to start posting more after shit went down. I guarantee you that I meant absolutely nothing rude by it. But seeing that our home might go down on flames, reminded me of how important it is to me.

I've been struggling really hard with mh depression lately. Bouncing from AD to AD, seeing multiple drs, and still just struggling to breathe on a daily basis. The last year and a half has been so, so hard. I got to the point where I couldn't handle posting. At first, I quit reading intros. Then check ins. Then I was really only watching out for spam. (I was in contact with admins the whole time. They knew what was going on.)

And so part of me feels like I'm to blame for a lot of this, and that I let my community down. Which is a pretty tough pill to swallow when you're already feeling pretty shit on by life. So that's why I started posting a ton.

I think if everyone can agree to just put on your big girl panties and move forward, we can all find a compromise. But if you're going to keep criticizing us for every move we make, we can never move forward.

Definitely not your fault. 💗

[westiemom]

I am tired and moving and don't have much to add other that what's been shared but wanted to thank you for starting dialogue kaf7. I think everyone shared lots of feelings and thoughts this week and hope we can move forward and change board culture together.

[dp21]

********GRAD WARNING***********************************************************

Hi ladies,

So I'm trying to create a sticky for SAIF to make things more welcoming for you guys when you come over from PAIF!!!!

Here is the document below, it's anonymous, editable, don't need a google account. I have some things started, any other topics you guys would like to see?! If so, just dump it in the document in bold! So far I'm the only contributor but trying to get people to participate. Also don't judge my writing or thoughts haha. Please edit my stuff if it sounds stupid or delete it, I won't be offended!

docs.google.com/document/d/1T6iyyQ6bw-7pNhuqggIiq_y9vQaPhRYTD73nLttraCo/edit

[nomnom]

********** grad warning **********



I mostly lurk on SAIF (and sometimes PAIF) because IF is no longer a big part of my life. I will probably never get pregnant without medical intervention. It's disappointing, but I had/have an easier road than many who face IF so I think I find it less upsetting.

I feel that PoM and my BMBs more closely reflect my current life. This is the same reason I did not return to PAIF for my current (2nd FET) pregnancy.

I am, of course, happy to chime in if I think my experience can help someone. That is why I lurk (and I'll always answer a tag if I don't lose it).

[kaf7]

nomnom, you are so close to having those babies! GL!