Mothers (and in law)

[hurricaine]

Jan 23, 2015 12:13:08 GMT -5 daffodil428 said:

Thanks ladies. Part of the issue is my husband isn't 100% sure how he wants to play this out. Aka confront them? Just decline every time they offer? Etc.

I think it's best to have a conversation and be clear and upfront. I just needed to know I'm not insane for these feelings. My husband is having a hard time realizing his mother and father are not young anymore.

You know, sometimes I really want DH to sort of speak up with his parents about something, but 99.9% of the time his plan to sort of sidestep the issue works better. Instead of getting caught up in a conflict because *some* people interpret boundary-setting as an opportunity for negotiation, he sort of gently hints at things avoiding an actual confrontation. I don't know how he does it entirely its like he silently puts the line there and just doesn't let it move. Maybe your husband has got a different plan because he knows them a bit better and has another way to get to the outcome you both want (your kid safe and your ILs somehow still happy and connected to their grandchild). You've also got some time to let him figure out the best way to approach his parents about it.

Oh and you said that you'd be ok with them babysitting when your kid can walk? I'd just be cautious about committing to that so far in advance (probably at least a year away) because a lot can happen in that time. While hopefully this won't be the case, your ILs health could get worse. Probably best just to say, "for now" and go from there. 

[hurricaine]

@sarahwithah - I'm so sorry this is something you're dealing with.

[jumparoundbucky]

Overbearing parents are pretty much the reason we moved across the country. I have no advice (other than move), just commiseration.

[astheria]

Jan 24, 2015 20:43:19 GMT -5 jumparoundbucky said:

Overbearing parents are pretty much the reason we moved across the country. I have no advice (other than move), just commiseration.

Sadly my mom is over the top from a 1600 mile distance lol. 

Also, so, I think mil wanted to make sure we knew she was excited as well. We just got seven books today "to start baby's library".....I am 10 wks 5 days. Dear lord people!

[sunshinelady15]

My parents are absolutely wonderful. My mother is law was a pickle for a while, but she lives in GA and we live in NY. I didn't have to deal with her much thank heavens. She is now polite when I come around, but for a while we kinda ignored one another. She is old and doesn't want to be a pickle anymore so yay me.

[shellyr]

Jan 18, 2015 16:38:47 GMT -5 lawndog1216 said:

Still haven't told my mom (who, quite honestly, will probably be pissed) or my MIL (who will flip the fuck out and be over the moon)... Had planned to tell after the u/s this week, but now that it's upon us, I don't wanna. I'm thinking we'll wait until first tri is completely over.

We haven't told our parents yet either. This will be my parent's first grandchild, but even though I've been married for 10 years, they don't see this coming. My mom will most likely respond in a hurtful manner about how a baby is not compatible with my lifestyle and how much this will harm my career. DH's parents will be excited. They have wanted us to have a baby for years.

I live half a country away, so I can put it off for awhile (I'm almost 13 weeks), but eventually we need to tell them. Any advice on telling my mother while also trying to protect myself from a hurtful response? 

[lawndog1216]

Jan 25, 2015 3:32:10 GMT -5 shellyr said:

Jan 18, 2015 16:38:47 GMT -5 lawndog1216 said:

Still haven't told my mom (who, quite honestly, will probably be pissed) or my MIL (who will flip the fuck out and be over the moon)... Had planned to tell after the u/s this week, but now that it's upon us, I don't wanna. I'm thinking we'll wait until first tri is completely over.

We haven't told our parents yet either. This will be my parent's first grandchild, but even though I've been married for 10 years, they don't see this coming. My mom will most likely respond in a hurtful manner about how a baby is not compatible with my lifestyle and how much this will harm my career. DH's parents will be excited. They have wanted us to have a baby for years.

I live half a country away, so I can put it off for awhile (I'm almost 13 weeks), but eventually we need to tell them. Any advice on telling my mother while also trying to protect myself from a hurtful response? 

Hopefully someone else will respond with some fantastic words of wisdom for both of us... in the meantime:

I'm sorry, because that sucks -- and I'm envious of your distance. My mom lives 10 miles away and babysits once a week for us. I still haven't worked up the guts to tell her, but my plan for any negativity includes the phrase "I'm sorry YOU feel that way, but this is MY life and MY decision.

You might want to throw in something like "If you don't want to participate in this baby's life, we'll be sad but we'll move on."

I think the big thing - the hard thing - for some mothers to understand is that we're allowed to make our own choices and have our own opinions, and they can be very, very different from their choices, and yet that doesn't make THEIR choices "wrong" or "bad" any more than it makes our choices "wrong" or "bad."   Good luck, and keep me posted!