I really need some objective, sound advice here. This will for sure be TL;DR
My 20 yo has been battling depression, anxiety, and anorexia since about 15.
Many many many councillors , psychologist, psychiatrist, therapists have been in to play for many years. She was medicated for a number of years, but now is not, and straight refuses any intervention.
This sickness went with ebs and flows. If you were not her mother, you might not never know she was sick, as she would sit down to eat at family functions, be fine. And then not eat for 3 days after that, of course, not to my knowledge at the time.
She has just broken up with her HS boyfriend of 3 years. She is frail thin. She ate one piece of toast and and an orange today. And I'm pretty sure I heard her puke it up. She refuses treatment, councilling, and any form of acknowledgement towards her disorder. Really any form of communication and contact when it comes to that, she wont speak.
I am so mad that she is dealing with this shit. I have read many books and blogs but I am very unequipped to handle this shit. Yes, I have been to councilling for myself.
What dialogue do I use? How do I communicate with her? Without being sad/frustrated.
Last Edit: Feb 13, 2017 11:04:47 GMT -5 by zombiewasabi
Dear heavenly mother of dildos, Goddess to all below. Please let our friend Jap emerge from her sexual adventures shard free. May the glass of her dildo only be ribbed for her pleasure. May you be kind with temperature changes and the laws of nature. Amen. In the pussy.
Last Edit: Feb 13, 2017 17:07:52 GMT -5 by zombiewasabi
Dear heavenly mother of dildos, Goddess to all below. Please let our friend Jap emerge from her sexual adventures shard free. May the glass of her dildo only be ribbed for her pleasure. May you be kind with temperature changes and the laws of nature. Amen. In the pussy.
First off, I wanted to say I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this. I struggled with anorexia for years and the scars it left on my family still hurt. I think back, now as a parent, on the hell my parents went through and it breaks my heart a little. There are no easy answers and no easy solutions.
It's late so I can't get into too much but I wanted to share a little at least.
Large, large chunks of the worst years of my ED battle are hazy in my memory or just not there. I think that's important to know because it gives you an idea of the kind of mental place she's in. She literally can't help herself because her brain is so malnourished.
So IME, you kind of have 2 options. One is to take a step back and don't discuss it, make no mention of her ED, weight, any of it. Any even trying to be helpful comments will be so warped and twisted in her head that they'll do more harm than good. If you chose that you let her chose when (if ever) she's ready for treatment again and ready to fight it.
Or you say that no, she absolutely has to be in treatment. It's harder since she's technically an adult but if she's living at home/financially dependent you have some say. And not just talk therapy. That's great and important but the treatment for an ED is food. I spent years working with therapists figuring out where my ED came from and all of that. Which was great but I also spent that time not eating so in the end it didn't get me anywhere. What did was refeeding. It's a shitty process and my parents and I both went through hell with it but until her brain is better nourished, nothing you can say will reach her. There were many days that I literally spent most of my hours sitting at the table with food and my mom, crying.
I wish I had easier answers for you. I'm happy to help if I can but I have to stop here and get some sleep. Sorry again
I'm really upset that I don't know an exact answer to give you, I just want to wish you and your daughter the best and I hope she comes out of this peacefully and more happy.
She may be ok with a rehab type situation. Inpatient Or out. I think if my parents offered me this somewhere along the road, I might have taken them up on it at some point, or I might have gotten pissed, it just depends on where her head is at. It's worth a shot.
Thank you for your input. It was truly helpful. She's very much at the "pissed" point. Why are people all up in her business? We have offered her up everything in the world to get well. It's at a point where I'm so sad for her but equally resentful.
I did just also want to say that I think part of what makes this so hard is that my experience and another person with anorexia's are so different. So it's super hard to say this is what you should do because every case is so different.
First off, I wanted to say I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this. I struggled with anorexia for years and the scars it left on my family still hurt. I think back, now as a parent, on the hell my parents went through and it breaks my heart a little. There are no easy answers and no easy solutions.
It's late so I can't get into too much but I wanted to share a little at least.
Large, large chunks of the worst years of my ED battle are hazy in my memory or just not there. I think that's important to know because it gives you an idea of the kind of mental place she's in. She literally can't help herself because her brain is so malnourished.
So IME, you kind of have 2 options. One is to take a step back and don't discuss it, make no mention of her ED, weight, any of it. Any even trying to be helpful comments will be so warped and twisted in her head that they'll do more harm than good. If you chose that you let her chose when (if ever) she's ready for treatment again and ready to fight it.
Or you say that no, she absolutely has to be in treatment. It's harder since she's technically an adult but if she's living at home/financially dependent you have some say. And not just talk therapy. That's great and important but the treatment for an ED is food. I spent years working with therapists figuring out where my ED came from and all of that. Which was great but I also spent that time not eating so in the end it didn't get me anywhere. What did was refeeding. It's a shitty process and my parents and I both went through hell with it but until her brain is better nourished, nothing you can say will reach her. There were many days that I literally spent most of my hours sitting at the table with food and my mom, crying.
I wish I had easier answers for you. I'm happy to help if I can but I have to stop here and get some sleep. Sorry again
I'll be back tomorrow..It's way late here, so I need to go to bed. I really appreciate the feedback. It took a lot to type that and thank you guys for the honest discussion.
Last Edit: Feb 13, 2017 11:04:21 GMT -5 by zombiewasabi
Dear heavenly mother of dildos, Goddess to all below. Please let our friend Jap emerge from her sexual adventures shard free. May the glass of her dildo only be ribbed for her pleasure. May you be kind with temperature changes and the laws of nature. Amen. In the pussy.
I did just also want to say that I think part of what makes this so hard is that my experience and another person with anorexia's are so different. So it's super hard to say this is what you should do because every case is so different.
Dear heavenly mother of dildos, Goddess to all below. Please let our friend Jap emerge from her sexual adventures shard free. May the glass of her dildo only be ribbed for her pleasure. May you be kind with temperature changes and the laws of nature. Amen. In the pussy.
"I can't fathom a reason that you'd lie. But people also inject cement and superglue in their asses, so sometimes I'm just at a loss about people's decision-making abilities."-rocksforludo
I don't know if I have any advice different than what others gave but I wanted to offer hugs. This sounds exactly like me in college, right down to the breakup. My mom noticed something was wrong right away and offered support and eventually I decided to take it because I was miserable. Like others said, it took many long years of healing because it wasn't actually about food, but about issues deep under the surface.
I think just offering her support, and letting her know you're there for her is a great start. Obviously, you may need to intervene if things get very dangerous, but unfortunately, I'm not familiar with your options. I know I personally spent the night at the hospital when I hit rock bottom, but I went voluntarily.
I have an ED. I entered inpatient treatment for the first time when I was 28. It was life changing. I was at the point where I knew I couldn't continue what I was doing without help. I had been seeing a therapist for 6 months and would not believe I had an ED. But finally I went to treatment. learned SO much there. That being said, I was open to the idea and went along with the program. It sounds like your daughter is in the denial stage. As someone who has been there, it's so so hard to reach someone whose mind is clouded by the ED and malnourishment certainly makes this worse.
One thing that was helpful in inpatient was Saturday morning family therapy. Families met in a group with a therapist for an hour, learning about the ED, what to do or not to do. Then the patients joined for a large group.
I will try to find the material they gave to families to post for you. One thing that sticks out is to provide support and encouragement. Forcing her to eat (not saying you are doing this) will make her more isolated and secretive. I wish I had better advice but treatment where she is stripped of opportunities to use behaviora is a good start. The mind changes will come after she is fed and in a state of mind to think clearly and logically.
I struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years. It put a huge huge strain on my family. When I was deepest in my illness, it consumed my entire life. It was what I relied on to get through my days. And when shit happened, I ran straight into hardcore behaviors. So a breakup would definitely have caused me to go downhill.
My number one piece of advice is offer love and tell her you're there for her. She truly is not herself. EDs wreak havoc on brain chemistry especially, as do the anxiety & depression.
I was in therapy for years and inpatient treatment multiple times before I hit the point where I was ready to really give recovery a chance.
Definitely check out the link tLex posted. I have lurked that board and it is a great place.
I just wanted to offer hair pats and hugs. I don't have first hand experience with the ED but have a history of depression/anxiety. You've gotten some good advice. +1 to just making sure she knows that you are there for her. It's so tough. Huge hugs. ❤️
Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 11, 2017 8:59:31 GMT -5
Former anorexic/ bulimic here.
I was a bit younger than your daughter is when I was going through this. Looking back I know why I struggled so hard but these cases are very personal to the man/ woman / boy/ girl at the center of it.
When I was at my thinnest and in outpatient treatment, I was prescribed a drink like ensure. I'm not 100% remembering if it actually was ensure or something similar but I was horrified at the thought of having to drink it.
My dad would sit down with me and drink them with me. I remember thinking, well, my dad isn't fat and this drink isn't making him fat...so I started to drink them and keep them down. And that was really the beginning of my recovery, silly as it sounds.
I don't know much about ED. My SIL had/has one but during the worst of it I was going through my own depression and we don't really talk about that stuff.
One thing that helped me (depression) in the short term was having control over something and something to look forward to. The break-up alone would necessitate that. If she is in an okay head-space for it she might want to paint and re-arrange her room or get a hair cut. And those would be nice things to do together and opportunities to demonstrate how much you care.
Post by yogini kiki on Feb 11, 2017 10:32:20 GMT -5
My heart is breaking for all of you. I remember my father, so lost, hiding pints of Ben and Jerry's in the back of the freezer, and when my brothers went to bed asking me if I wanted to have some with him and watch Anne of Green Gables (my favorite movie.) He didn't know what to do, but I will never forget that. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I would eat secret ice cream with him at 10 at night in the living room.
If you have a Renfrew Center near you, they are phenomenal. For me, it took a Dr. telling me I wouldn't ever have children if I didn't get some help. It was a long road from there, but once I found my motivation, I mostly stayed on the path.
I've struggled with a later onset ED and am not currently out of it but am in a better place than I have been. I think it would be helpful to make sure the anxiety is being treated in part with the ED. I know for me, that need for control that comes from anxiety is manifesting in the food stuff. And I totally relate to PPs who talked about obsessive meal planning and consuming thoughts. She's probably overwhelmed herself without anyone else heaping on concerns.
I agree with not trying to say anything at all about her body image. I can turn even the most well-intended and loving comment into a criticism or a feeling like the person just doesn't understand. The love you express to her should be unconditional and unqualified. You love HER. Period. End stop.
Another thing I've struggled with is feeling so freaking stupid/incompetent. Like, I know this isn't good for me. I know it's not rational. I know X, Y, Z nutrition information. But that doesn't stop the emotions that go with the decisions and it doesn't FIX anything. So here I sit in a place where I'm doing irrational things and knowing it's wrong but feeling like I can't help it. Like, why can't my brain overpower this?
I'm really sorry you're going through this, too. I know it must be hard on you--DH struggles with me for sure.
Post by bunnyfungo on Feb 11, 2017 19:25:25 GMT -5
I have a friend that suffered from ED and is now a psychologist with her masters degree. She is an amazing friend and resource for me. If you would like her info, let me know.
Thank you so much everyone for the support and for those who have shared their own painful experiences with this hell. I have read and re-read this thread multiple times today and it's been hard, but comforting to read at the same time.
While I don't directly confront her about her appearance and how much she's eaten on any given day, I always make our connection and time together around food. Hey, want to watch a movie and eat popcorn, want to take the girls out for pizza, want me to make you a sandwich, etc. Type thing. So, I guess I should quit doing that, as I know she's shutting me out ans resenting me anytime I bring up "food". It's just so damn hard.
I will always let her know that I am truly here for her and support her, not just out of obligation (thank you PP for that). I want to fix her so bad, and I do not know how to operate standing on the sidelines and wait for her to come to terms with this and for her to want to seek help.
Thank you. But, I know if I set up parameters and ultimatums now, I'm probably saying goodbye to her for good. Or at least for a very long time. She will alainate her family and have no problems living her life without us. It is so fucking frustrating.
I can only speak for myself, but when I was going through bulimia, everything I did was an accomplishment to me. In my mind I didn't have a disorder. Every pound lost or meal I threw up was a "good" thing to me, so if anyone tried to speak on it, it felt like they were intentionally trying to sabotage my work. Anorexia and bulimia really fuck with your mind. It might not be that she doesn't want to talk about her problem, she may just feel like there isn't a problem. There's not really much you can do at this point except let her know you are supportive, open, non judgmental, etc (as others have said and you've already acknowledged)
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