I'm overwhelmed.

[piccyami]

It just seemed to hit me this week. I feel like I'm constantly doing laundry for someone between diapers, babies, sheets, towels, kitchen cloth, and my laundry. If I'm not doing laundry, I'm probably doing the dishwasher or measuring/making formula or cooking or feeding someone. I also only get 4 hours of sleep a night right now between house chores and wakeups.

H makes me feel awful for going out for two hours once a week for the puppy's class and I've already skipped the Multiples meeting this month because he can't handle two babies by himself. He's irritated with me because I signed up to help with the multiples sale. I need some me time and I don't know when or how I'm going to get it. Work isn't much better, so I'm looking for something else that'll maybe be a better fit.

Please tell me it gets better. Things are hard right now.

[fightersince83]

Maybe eliminating the diaper laundry would help? Anything that makes life easier at this point. Also, YH probably needs to get a little dose of reality. You do manage the kids all the time. He needs to figure it out. You can't do it all

[LydiaDeetz]

No relevant advice, but sending ((hugs)). I think the other ladies are right, your husband needs to understand his own responsibility. If you can do it (and obviously you do), why can't he? I've heard working the sales is so much fun, and you definitely deserve it.

[hollyberry]

No advice, just hugs and understanding. Mh has not really Been alone with the babies yet either. I take breaks when he is home and they are sleeping. But just like a walk or something. And it was extremely better for me when we gave the babies a bed time. They go between 630 and 7and that time is precious after they are asleep. I try to get as much done during the day as possible so the I am free to just veg and watch TV with mh.

[Run20K]

Hugs.

I've only been through this with a singleton, but in my experience it gets better. I recall many late nights making meals, doing laundry, making bottles, etc. I don't remember when I got easier, but it just did.

I've found many "life hacks" to get myself through each day. As a full time working mom, I don't have the time to do it all. We have a cleaning service, grocery delivery, and lawn service.

When I need "me" time, I just take it. DH gets overwhelmed when I'm gone for extended periods of time, but he's getting better. I also give him a few hours of time to himself. We still have a lot of work to do, but we're getting there.

Hang in there!

[mc13]

I don't have much advice. But, I'm right there with you. It sucks. My husband gets overwhelmed with the 3 kids so easily, even when I'm around. So doing all the house stuff on top of the kids plus a husband that doesn't "get it" is hard. Ask him to take on some of the chores to lighten your load. I'm home alone with them from 715am-6pm Monday-Friday with our closest family 6 hours away. Like, I don't have all the answers, I just figure it out as I go. Sometimes housework doesn't get done and I've accepted that. Or I make a list and we split up what needs to be done.

I remember with my first that months 4-7 were the hardest. Once she could crawl and sit up she became much happier and DH felt that she was much more fun and manageable on his own. And now she's 2 and he LOVES it and is pretty much her primary caretaker when he's home.

[requiressnacks]

Big hugs, lady. I think you are doing all the right things. Keep making time for yourself and scheduling time outside of the house to do whatever you want. Your husband will eventually learn to manage the kids. And while it may not be perfect, it will be good enough. Also, anything you can do to make your life easier...do it. I know finances are like whoa with twins but I'm all about my house cleaner, disposable diapers and Amazon prime.

[richzep]

I'm with everyone here. It's hard as hell and you need a time out sometimes. My husband just recently started watching the twins on his own and they're a year and a half. And he's never watched all 3 yet.
But you've got to do it. You've got to schedule time for yourself and trust that he'll manage. No baby has died from a little bit of crying. Your husband will be overwhelmed but he'll appreciate all you do so much more and be inclined to step in because now he gets how much of you babies consume.

[dukegirlsc]

I just wanted to send (((hugs)) and maybe hire a mother's helper, just a couple of hours a week to fold the mountains of laundry or unload the dishes, just to take something off your "to do" list so that you can breathe?

[pbandj714]

Everyone has given fantastic advice so far and I agree with them. It's so hard, but you will get through it. Your H really needs to step up. It took awhile for mine to feel comfortable enough to take over for extended periods, but once he did, it made a world of difference. We basically split up the chores to where I handle all the laundry (so yes, I'm still constantly doing laundry), and he handles dishes and kitchen clean-up at the very least. Most of my other housework doesn't get done, honestly. My floors are gross, everything is dusty, but everyone is alive and happy, so I just don't care about that right now. Do anything to make your life a little easier. Buy some paper towels or sposies if you feel like you're drowning. Amazon Prime Pantry or grocery pick-up programs are life-savers. And do not give up your YOU time! You don't have much, and it's so necessary to keep you in a good place. Big hugs! It will get better.

[piccyami]

Thanks, everyone. I wish we could afford someone to come clean or someone for yardwork or to stay home or full-time disposables, but we just can't right now. I'm struggling with trying to figure out ways to get H to help out more, but nothing has worked. He ignores the schedule we made together and bugging him to help just ends in me feeling like I'm just not working hard enough. For that matter, he hasn't done his laundry in about 2 weeks and is wearing dirty clothes to work because he can't be bothered to do his own laundry. He gets angry when anyone but one cat needs his attention. I've been trying to give him space while he comes to terms with his diabetes diagnosis over the past week or so, but he told me today that my attitude has sucked the past week.

I'm washing the last load of cloth diapers tonight and we're going to use up our stash of 2s and possibly 3s before we go back. I'm really hoping that what I put into the sale will cover what I buy from the sale so that I can do something next month, even if it is hiring someone to come clean.


And seriously, thanks. You ladies make this all so much easier and I feel so much more involved here than I do IRL.

[DVMmomma]

I have also only gone through this with one kid but it does indeed get better. I thought for sure I'd end up divorcing DH during the first year with DD. And we've been together since we were 15. It sucked. Sucked. Some of it was on me- I like a spotless house (no fingerprints on the stainless appliances, no toys strewn about all over the entire house) and DH is much more meh about cleaning. So I had to own that bit of things- that we're just different like that. Ultimately I found passing what I could off to him helped. Like sure, I washed your clothes. Here they are. Fold and put them away...or don't. Whatever. I definitely snapped a few times too and had to just run away. Even if it's just for 15 minutes. Sometimes that'll you need to recharge and you should never feel guilty about that.

[lastkiss]

Hugs piccyami. I've only done it with a singleton so far but it was hard that first year or so.

My house was a mess during the first year. We didn't keep up with regular cleaning but that's okay! The most important things are to make sure the babies are taken care of and you're taken care of.

You need to get more sleep. Nobody can function properly on 4 hours of interrupted sleep for very long. Lower your expectations about how clean your house and sleep!

I'm sorry you H is struggling with his diagnosis still. Has he thought about seeing someone to deal with those feelings? It sounds like he may be suffering from depression.

Do you have family nearby that could help with cleaning? My mom helped us out a few times and it was so nice to not worry about that (and not have to pay a cleaner to do it). Or what about a neighborhood kid who's old enough to clean well but would be cheaper than a professional?

[aydee]

First off, yes, it does get better. I promise you. You are still very much in the trenches as they say. I found that once the babies were sitting up really well by themselves life started to improve because they could play more and could see us more easily even when we weren't right near them.

I feel like the first year with twins is all about survival. I had to really lower my standards on most things, especially cleaning. DH and I also each had certain tasks that were ours alone- he made the formula and handled the bottles, and that really helped a lot even though I was still doing a majority of the actual baby care.

As for your H not being able to handle both babies alone, I will say that it's really damn hard to care for 2 infants. As twin moms, we find a way to get through it, but it isn't easy and it certainly isn't pretty. I very nearly lost my mind and my anxiety was through the roof for that first year. I didn't handle it well. Depending on what your babies are like, it might not be unreasonable to cut your H some slack on caring for both babies at once. I wasn't really able to do it alone for any lengthy period of time until my babies were about 12 weeks (I had a super colicky miserable baby and a 2nd pretty needy one). I don't remember leaving DH with both babies alone until they were quite a bit older, with the exception of briefly if the babies were both napping.

Would it be possible for a family member or friend to come over to be a second set of hands to help your H while you go out? Or maybe to hire a mommy's helper to assist him for a couple hours?

Just remember that this will all get better over time, and sometimes the change happens quickly. There will come a time when your H will be able to handle both kids.

I hope you're able to find a way to still get some time for yourself to do the things you want to do. Maybe there is even someone at the twins club with older twins who would be willing to volunteer to help out your husband until he feels better able to handle it while you go out? Like, see if someone's high school twins could go help your H handle the babies while you're at the sale.

[lotusbee]

Hugs, @picyami! I don't have two at the same time yet (and I'm terrified of all of this), but I definitely had my times with DS and figuring out how to navigate my new life with DH. I'm very particular as to the way I want things done around the house and found I needed to let go of some things and prioritize. In terms of what DS needs on a daily basis - I took/take care of him and what he needs. While I take care of DS, DH has taken on the responsibility of making sure both him and I are taken care of. This includes cooking/dishes/vacuuming. It's not always done the way I like but I've come to realize it's our reality and it may or may not work when the twins get here.

I completely get that you need that time away for your sanity! It is so important! At the same time, when DH was little (I'm sure I'll feel the same when the twins are here) and I was away I would constantly think about how stressed my husband might be. Could you hire a sitter/helped to assist your husband during your time away? Or as other posters mentioned - just to help you a couple times a week?

Again, I don't have two at the same time, but having one - it does get better and we're only 18 months in! Hang in there!

[piccyami]

Thanks so much for all the responses. H and I talked last night and he's agreed to help with all the nightly chores (dishwasher, bottles, sweeping [because W is scooting everywhere already and we have 3 long-haired pets that have decided now is a good time to shed], litter box) so that I can get some down time before bed without being so stressed about everything.

It looks like we're back to doing diaper laundry because of Z's eczema. She's apparently sensitive to disposables.

H sees how stressed I've been and is trying to help out, but we have a long ways to go. We also definitely utilize my mom when we need an extra hand, but H makes me feel bad when he tells me he's "babysitting." We're getting there. Seeing all of your responses has really helped.

[pbandj714]

I'm glad you guys were able to talk and that he's going to make an effort! It will certainly help. Now it sounds like he just needs to work on his filter. Babysitting...

[schmella]

I'm so late to this thread. I'm glad you and YH talked and have a plan. MH and I had to start having a "State of the Union" talk almost once a month to reset expectations. Having a weekly checkin (we tried for Thursday nights when I was working) where we talked about the plans for the weekend & next week helped too, and during those talks we always made sure we each had a plan for some alone time that week (mine was usually a solo Target run- sure it was chores but it refreshed me.)

I think the kids were like 9m before MH was really "all in." Until that point everything was a chore, he seemed resentful and to constantly be trying to get out of things. Looking back, it was really, REALLY hard. For 8m, I grew those babies in my belly, and not one second went by that I didn't know my life had changed, but that whole time was business as usual for him. Then they showed up and I had all the hormones in the world telling me what and when and how to love them and he felt completely blindsided. And his partner was a hormonal basket case. He had trouble expressing this at the time, and it probably didn't help that I burst into tears anytime he tried. And then one day he just snapped to and he's is an AMAZING dad and husband.

I guess my whole long winded point is that it's hard and it sucks and communication is a big deal. So is time. And some men take longer than others

[schmella]

piccyami, the only diapers both of my kids can tolerate are seventh generation. We get them on Amazon Subscribe & Save which is honestly the best price I can find.
And to be clear, I'm not excusing MH or YH or my or anyone's behavior or crappy attitude. It's just really fucking hard to be a parent that first year

[beachy]

Constantly keep talking and reassessing the situation. When our twins were born we also had a 2 year old so H primarily just handled him. He couldn't handle all 3 by himself for long at all. Like an hour tops, and I was coming back to him being frustrated and pissed, and it wasn't worth the hour I got to myself. We had several come to Jesus talks about it, and as the babies got older and less needy it was easier. Eventually I was able to go away for 5 days when the twins were 15m and our oldest was 3.5 and he handled it just fine, so I promise it gets better eventually!

One thing I had to learn was to just flat out tell him what I wanted him to do. I would sit and stew all night over the unwashed bottles in the sink until I just washed them. After a while I learned to just say "theres bottles in the sink for you to wash." Stuff that seems so obvious to us that we need help with isn't always obvious to them, and sometimes they just need to be told.